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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 10:47

I would tell him sooner rather than later, OP. This is going to be a lot to take in.

Remind him that bodily autonomy works both ways and if you can't force him to get a vasectomy, he can't force you to have an abortion.

worryingalot · 13/12/2023 10:50

I’d either tell him now
<Or pretend you didn’t know> ahem this is not the healthy option
I definitely wouldn’t delay telling him and have scans

PlipPlopChoo · 13/12/2023 10:51

Id wait until after Xmas too and I’d be more than willing to let him leave if that’s what he wants. You need to find strength and some anger

So rather than suggest they sit down and decide if they can realistically support five children. You suggest getting angry.

Good one!

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 10:51

PlipPlopChoo · 13/12/2023 09:53

aaand the drip feed is complete. You have 4 children already. I wonder if the mumsnet dad bashers might actually see things from his point of view now.

He must have quite a stressful job to already be supporting 4 children if you are not working. This probably needs consideration.

Edited

The issue was given plenty of consideration when they agreed that he would get a vasectomy and the OP even tried to book it for him.

PlipPlopChoo · 13/12/2023 10:52

The issue was given plenty of consideration when they agreed that he would get a vasectomy and the OP even tried to book it for him

Erm. He never agreed to get a vasectomy. Read the first post again.

Pizdietz · 13/12/2023 10:53

I think if it were me, I'd tell him now. If you keep it secret until new year, that's a real betrayal of trust.

I'd say something like "Look, I've got this news and you won't like it. Let's just sit with it for now, and discuss after Xmas."

He might adjust to the idea over Xmas, if not, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Starryskies1 · 13/12/2023 10:54

He sounds selfish he couldn’t go through with the snip.
but it’s ok for you to go through an abortion?
I would tell him sooner. If he doesnt like it he can leave?

PeppermintMandy · 13/12/2023 10:54

I think it is incredibly unfair of people to say that he didn’t get the snip and therefore tough titties to him. It is completely ok for a man to decide he doesn’t want to get the snip.

They BOTH decided to have sex using only condoms. OP KNEW her husband did not want anymore kids. When he said he thinks she should have an abortion if she ever ended up pregnant again what was her response?

If I was OP it would be “That is absolutely not an option. If I get pregnant I will not have an abortion.” & presumably that would open up a conversation about contraception and sex? I could be wrong but it doesn’t sound like that’s happened. OP did you make it 100% clear that if you get pregnant you will not have an abortion?

My guess is you’ll tell him and he’ll stick by you since you have so many children already, and be miserable about it for the rest of your lives. Sorry but that’s just my honest opinion.

He had sex using only condoms knowing they aren’t 100% reliable, but assuming OP was fine with having abortion as she didn’t say otherwise (I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am). She had sex using only condoms knowing they aren’t 100% reliable and that he would want her to have an abortion if she ended up pregnant. Everyone’s been irresponsible here.

MarkWithaC · 13/12/2023 10:56

Newnamesameoldlurker · 12/12/2023 20:30

He has no right to say you should get an abortion when he wouldn't get the snip! I would tell him ASAP but be very strong, don't take any nonsense or sulking and don't let him make you carry all the responsibility for this.

Exactly this. How dare he?

Original poster
Rainbowdaisys · 13/12/2023 10:57

Thanks everyone, there will always be different points of view but I like to hear and read it all as they are all valid.

Sorry I should have said I'd be staying at home regardless of our eldest child, that decision was already made before we had children. But cemented it when her needs came into it (but would have been at home anyway). We are very fortunate to be financially stable.

My husband loves loves loves his job, it's a job and has it's demands, but he doesn't find it stressful. He's one of these lucky people who has found a job he loves. He would openly tell you he would choose to work rather than me to to work and he work less or whatever (he genuinely loves it). It's still a job though!

Like people have said regardless of what number child it is, I wouldn't abort as I am fortunate to be able to provide for another child both emotionally and financially. We are also to be fortunate to be friends with friends who also have large families. It's just whether my husband wants to do that or not (he may not).

My husband struggles as a dad, but has done since day one. Yes the number of children adds to it, absolutely, of course it absolutely does, it would be silly to act like it doesn't.

But the big but is, he'd be this way with one.

It's me taking on the load so to speak, but I don't want to dismiss his feelings or undermine his value (which probably sounds like I am doing) but that comes with trying to explain things online.

I've decided I'm going to tell and go from there!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to post and reply

OP posts:
PeppermintMandy · 13/12/2023 10:58

MarkWithaC · 13/12/2023 10:56

Exactly this. How dare he?

Show quote history

He’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t want the vasectomy. Did OP make it clear she wouldn’t have an abortion if she were to fall pregnant? If not then no they aren’t the same.

Aquariass · 13/12/2023 11:01

He sounds very selfish. For a man who is very anti another pregnancy he should really have gotten the snip. No uterus no opinion, especially considering he couldn’t be bothered to do much to prevent it.

Follow your own heart. It’s worth questioning whether he will support you if you do continue the pregnancy though, and if not, are you able to cope alone?

Cadenza12 · 13/12/2023 11:02

Telling him is the right thing to do, he will.need to know. You also need to do something to make sure you don't end up with six. You know the options, so it's a matter of choosing the right one for you.

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 11:02

OP, with a special needs child, 3 other children and a dad who doesn't another baby, is a 5th child really in any of your best interests? I know it's not nice to think about, and it is obviously your decision, but I truthfully don't think your wants come first here.

TackyTimes · 13/12/2023 11:04

He sounds like a decent man from your updates. His reaction (once he's got his head around it) will show if that's true.

If you think there is any risk that he'll leave then get copies/screenshots of bank accounts, pensions etc now. Make sure passports etc are secure.
This might be OTT in your case. I think I've been on MN too much recently 😹

MumblesParty · 13/12/2023 11:06

Well he was very stupid not to have a vasectomy, given that you have 4 kids already and he definitely doesn’t want more. So this is essentially a problem of his own making, and when you do tell him, you shouldn’t say “DH I’m pregnant”, you should say “DH you got me pregnant”, just so he can reflect on the physiology!!

Having said that, having 5, possibly 6 kids, at least 2 of whom could have SEN in addition to your eldest, is a massive undertaking. It creates a huge pressure on him to solely provide for potentially 8 people. I know I couldn’t do it. It’ll be hard on the existing kids too.

Declaring that you’re pregnant and you’re keeping it because you want to, and that’s his punishment for not having a vasectomy, is not a very considerate thing to do. Equally him declaring you have to have a termination isn’t considerate either. I think you both need to communicate better and consider each other’s feelings a bit more.

He may decide that this is the final straw, and the marriage may break down. Would you be able to cope on your own with all those kids?

Snowdogsmitten · 13/12/2023 11:08

Marshmallowtoastie · 12/12/2023 20:26

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.
thats a big statement from someone who failed to get the snip. Lovely that he feels he can make medical demands on you though, and also your certainty that he will ruin Christmas for your existing children too, he sounds a delight.

Decide what you want to do first, consider if you can do it alone also in case he leaves / is so unbearable that you leave. And make your own decision then tell him what’s happening. It’s best to be sure yourself so you’re not pushed by him sulking and being horrible into a decision you’re potentially unhappy with.
Ultimately he had sex with a fertile woman using a contraception that does not have a 100% success rate. He knew the risk he was taking. It’s not his place to now demand what you do. Good luck op

I agree with this poster. He’s appalling.

LeopardPJS · 13/12/2023 11:11

Sounds like it's him or the baby and I know what I'd choose- he sounds horrid.

Notsurehwhattdo · 13/12/2023 11:12

Doesn't want more children but won't go for the snip, eh? Me and several of my male friends wanted no more children and guess what, we got the snip. Job done. What's the excuse?

BlazingJune · 13/12/2023 11:12

TBH condoms are very good if used properly.

The failure rate is usually because of not using one in time (ie foreplay that includes some PIV) , not using one EVERY time, or it splitting (which he at least would be aware of.)

I'm only saying this as he can't be surprised if any ONE of the above were the case. And I bet one of them is.

I'm sorry you are in this dilemma. A poster mentioned you being in your 40s. (I can't see that in your posts.)

You need to make your own choice.

For me, personally, looking at if from the outside, I'd not have a 5th child in my 40s when I already have 4 children and one with autism. The burden will be very big, but I appreciate it's different when you are actually pregnant.

MumblesParty · 13/12/2023 11:12

What was his reason for not having a vasectomy?

diddl · 13/12/2023 11:12

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion

That is horrible.

Not sure how a failed condom is his fault unless he didn't use it properly.

Surely "body/choice" applies just as much to Op not wanting an abortion as him not going for the snip?

Maybe they should just have not had sex to be sure??

LizzeyBenett · 13/12/2023 11:13

I'm sorry but if he refused to get the snip there is of course always a chance of an unplanned pregnancy . It makes me extremely uncomfortable that he told you would have to have an abortion if you fell pregnant. I think the longer you wait to tell him the worse it will be . Having that secret for weeks and not saying anything will make his reaction even worse in my opinion. But please don't be pressured into doing anything YOU DONT WANT TO because you will be the one that has to live with the choice. You need to sit down and talk to him sooner rather than later.

Devonshiregal · 13/12/2023 11:13

Why why why why why why why are you with this man?

Im not a midwife or a charity so am happy to take on an advisory role so here goes: a man who would ruin Christmas because he got his wife pregnant and would encourage her to have an abortion is NOT a good man and you should not be tiptoeing around his feeeelings

caringcarer · 13/12/2023 11:14

I agree it sounds like it would be best to wait until after Xmas and in the NY to say you feel sick a few mornings. Then pretend you just found out. Be prepared for him to try to bully you to abort. By then you'll be further along. If you want the baby don't let him force you into abortion. Tell your DC soon after you tell DH. Get support from your family. Good luck.

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