How do I break the news to my husband?

[Rainbowdaisys]

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

I don't think it is at all as he is telling you. In the worst case scenario, the judge will aim to leave wife and husband in equally footing by considering all the assets and split them on the basis of need (with consideration to who is housing the children / caring for the children most of the time and how much each party earns). If he got less assets than her in such split, it is because the judge decided he was in a much better position to be more financially comfortable than his ex wife in the long run.

Having the pension ear marked won't make a difference for years to come. It won't pay to feed the children or send them to university.

The op could sell or remortgage. She has options.

Remortgage how??? She doesn't have an income, banks and lenders are not charities, they won't lend you a penny if you don't have a regular reliable income, even if you have a massive deposit.

She can sell or be forced to sell but again, unless she can buy a house outright with the equity she gets, she may end up spending that equity in rentals unless she secures a regular respectable income and can prove to the mortgage provider that that is enough to cover her family expenses plus mortgage payment.

Disclaimer: I am not asking the OP to abort, things do not necessarily will go wrong, he may come to accept the child, BUT I'm just providing her with information she needs to consider for the benefit of the family as a whole before she adds more pressure to her marriage.

Thank you for sharing your story@QueenCamilla it explains your stance on this subject. My heart is breaking for you and your brother, it's very sad.

I have a question. Despite all the suffering that has come out of your mum's unplanned pregnancy, you and your brother must still be thankful for your mum for giving you a shot at this life? What would be the alternative, not being here?

Also @Rainbowdaisys I'm sorry people on here are discussing you in the third person. This topic quickly moves on into an ethical debate of principles with strong contenders on both sides. This is also what happened to me when I once posted about this subject and in the first few weeks of pregnancy it's not very pleasant to read. Hope you are doing ok

I am in desperate need for some advice please. My 17 y/o daughter is 30 weeks pregnant, since Friday 08/12 very little movement from him I am going to say no more than five since then. She has been on a ctg alot and two growth scans and from medical terms baby is fine other than no movements.
My daughter is being admitted to have more ctg traces but is absolutely terrified something bad is going wrong with her baby that they are not picking up on. I feel absolutely useless 😕
Please any advice welcome

Despite all the suffering that has come out of your mum's unplanned pregnancy, you and your brother must still be thankful for your mum for giving you a shot at this life? What would be the alternative, not being here?

I am not the poster you are posing this question to, but I just want to say there are worse things in life than not existing. Childhood matters. It is maybe the thing that matters the most. It is what sets you up for life. And if it is a miserable childhood, that can mean a lifetime of pain and suffering. All because of other people's actions. A person's urge to have a child is not more important than the life they can provide that child.

@Thenewnanny You should start a separate thread by clicking on the Start new thread button at the top of the page. You are unlikely to get any useful advice here.

Hi Thenewnanny, you may want to post your own thread to get advice more speciic advice for your daughter, at this thread is pretty much about aborting or not.

To post you need to go all the way to the top of this page and, below the logo, on the right hand side, there is an arrow, click on it and select "start a new thread".

I hope your daughter and baby are ok, it is good she is going to be admitted soon as hopefully that would bring you some answers and adequate medical help if needed. But if you need to post for support, please do not hesitate to post your own thread (we are not protective of threads, it is just that otherwise your post about the issue will get lost in the many hundreds this thread already has 💐

Your answer is really interesting @SnowSwan and I've probably been too sheltered to even start to imagine that there are 'worse things in life than not existing' 😢

I totally agree with you that childhood matters.

Even non-traumatic life events such as thoughtless comments, an uninterested parent etc can shape us and create mental health problems.

But the pain and misery created through these pretty widespread events won't typically be on a level with the horrific events that cause severe trauma in a human.

So I'd argue that if you have a more difficult childhood (for example caused by an absent parent) you'd still have times in your life where you are more or less happy and would still prefer to have that shot at life than never being born.

Talking about mental health:

A person's urge to have a child is not more important than the life they can provide that child

Yes and this is especially true if there are other family members affected by the decision. However if the abortion causes the mother long term mental anguish such as a deep depression or self loathing etc then that mother won't be able to provide a good life for the existing family.

You see this discussion is a catch 22 because each very valid argument on one side will bring you an equally valid argument on the other side.

Childhood matters. It is maybe the thing that matters the most. It is what sets you up for life.

this. with bells on

I don't think it is fair to ask a man to destroy his fertility if he's against that. Many men ask for reversals if they divorce or are widowed and want more children.

If any man holds a thought like that in their head, that they may want kids in future with another woman so they won't get the snip just in case, but also think they're done having kids with their wife and that he'd expect her to abort if she gets pregnant then he's an utter scumbag

Even if he won't leave, it is important to start an open and frank discussion to see how they can afford this kid. Op is already mentioning that he is overwhelmed about finances, she might not know how bad the situation if she is devoted 100% to bring the children up and him to bring the money in.

They may need to discuss what they are going to give up in order to afford 5 children, like:

• Would they be able to afford specialist support for elder child when he needs it (like private therapy, house adaptations, respite care, etc if the child doesn't get as much as needs in disability support?)
• Would the family need to lower their standard of living? This would cover everything from less holidays (superfluous) to more essential stuff like downsizing to reduce costs or moving to a cheaper area.
• What happens if any of the younger children or new baby are also diagnosed with a disability?
• Would mum need to go back to work to help with the family finances even if neither of mum or dad want that to happen?
• What happens if he loses his job /is unable to continue working?
• How opportunities for the other 4 children will be limited?

That kind of thing...

She said in her first post that she didn’t want an abortion.

The whole situatuon sounds limited. She don't or can't work for various reasons and he is not upskilling or educating himself so he can earn more money.

And at what time he will be studying or upskilling when he is working long hours to support a 6 people family on his own and he gets back home to a house full of young children who may need help to settle at night and who may still be waking up at random hours? When will OP get a rest to recover from the day with all the children if he needs to get back home and not help with the children because he has study assessments to submit?

OP mentioned they are comfortable with just one salary. If the household of 6 can be financially comfortable on a single income I would say that it is very likely he is very well paid already. If he needs to up skill, I can assure you he will need more than 10-15 hours of study a week.

Yes I do hope this isn’t too harrowing with what you are juggling at present. Some of us have tried to steer the conversation to the question you actually asked. My advice had been wait until it’s clear it is happening if you ( and not MN) have taken the decision to keep the baby. My reasoning had been there isn’t much point having ww3 in your home over Christmas if you know he will force an abortion and you know you won’t do it and then the pregnancy might naturally derail. As the thread has wound on, however , I wonder if it isn’t braver to tell him asap and then you have a cleaner conscience going into the discussion. And don’t listen to the noise about how difficult your LO will be. They might be very similar to your ND DC or they may be completely their own person. We all present our challenges to our parents. You know the DCs you already have and what you are capable of - which may well include NOT being able to imagine not having them just exactly as they are.

OP has not raised concerns around their financials.

He also worries about money

“We are financially secure.”

”We are financially secure” is OP’s statement.

Some of the wealthiest people I know “worry” the most about money.

@Rainbowdaisys I hope you are OK.

My 4th pregnancy happened in remarkably similar circumstances.
We even had a home educated ND child.

It took a good long while for things to settle. We had enough money and space. We bought a bigger car. The practical stuff was the easy bit.

We went ahead and had the baby who is now a much loved happy young person.

It was tough for a while, relationship wise, but all sorts of things are challenging in marriages. Once I was pregnant, javing the baby or not having the baby would have been challenging. Not all pregnancies are planned. No contraception is 100% effective.

I'm not saying you should, but after that baby, I went to the GP and asked to be sterilised. She said that everyone has a mirena coil instead as that was more effective.

I had one which made me a bit miserable and dampened my libido. DH wasn't particularly impressed but remained a snip refuser. I had another coil after that one and looking back I think it made my perimenopause worse. I stuck with it until I was absolutely sure I was into menopause.

Putting up with the coil was my way of being sure to avoid another unplanned pregnancy, not because I couldn't face another baby but I couldn't go through the fallout between me and DH and DH's unhappiness at another baby.

He's not a bad person. Neither am I.

Good luck.

We are financially secure but not well off.

he worries about money overwhelm

This is a sole income family which will be supporting 2 adults and 5 children (1 child who doesn’t attend school (and the natural costs that incurs with an older child being at home all day every day).

I think fairly safe to presume that if the Op is describing the family as “not well off” and the income provider is worried about money - that finances most definitely is a consideration and a concerning one at that.

Added to which - you can be financially secure in the sense you aren’t going to lose your home and can feed your family but what about…. pensions? what about saving for further education for your 5 children? what about leisure pursuits? activities for your children? opportunities for your children?

No, your point was that the LA won't fund tutoring. My point is that they do.

And even on your new point, well it does work. I've seen it. The eldest can be in a dining room with the tutor. Op can be in the rest of the house with the other children.

Also ND that is of such a severity that a special school is not appropriate for him - not about severity but about type. Could be an autistic child who doesn't need full on special school but can't fit in mainstream. There are rafts of children who don't fit in MS but aren't actually severe enough for one of the tiny number of coveted places in SS.

Sometimes people just want to pick holes in an OP without knowing what they're talking about.

Ok my error

sounds like an ideal environment for a home tutored autistic child with 4 much younger siblings around

and an LA funding long term home tutoring… well unless you actually name any LAs all i can go on is my own - which does not.

@escapethemaze my child is long term tutored, but I'm not going to name the LA. For an Education Otherwise Than At School package you do have to show that no school could meet their needs / it would be inappropriate to educate in a school. This is less about 'severity' and more about very specific needs.

Regardless, not sure there is ever a reason to pressure, coerce or guilt a woman into abortion. Both choices have to be free, true choices otherwise surely we're not really pro-choice?