How do I break the news to my husband?

[Rainbowdaisys]

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

Are your twins identical? If not it could be two again!

Firstly, whenever this baby is born you need to go on the pill. That means even if he dawdles on getting the snip you are protected.

You have an 8yo who is neurodiverse. There is likely some ND in the other 3 (and in your DH by the sounds of it).

Can perfectly understand you being at home to be with the ND child and manage 4 children. Have you got DLA for the eldest child (and this heightened other benefits), had carer’s assessment etc.? Check that you have everything you are entitled to.

As for the new baby. It’s going to be really tough in so many respects and I would be with your husband that it’s not an awesome idea… particularly with potentially multiple disabled children already…

Please think carefully. It’s a lot to cope with.

I thought this too - 6 kids. 😱

No surprise that the tide is turning now posters know it’s the fifth baby.

Why would the OP want this baby any less just because it’s not her second or third? The husband is still a dick for telling her to get an abortion whether it’s their first or twenty first pregnancy.

Sorry OP but i think you should tell him immediately. It will be enough of a difficult discussion as it is, but if you kept something like that from him for so long, there will be an added trust issue and it will make things worse. I don’t think xmas is an excuse.

Obviously he hasn’t woreded his views correctly in terms of having an abortion, and he should have also considered the snip more seriously, but he’s still entitled not to want more kids and find parenting hard. I wouldn’t add secrecy into this already difficult conversation.

I’m a Mum of SEN kids.

It is bloody hard work.

For contrast, I looked at the amount of school admin paperwork attributable to year 2 child last night; it is 2 1/2 inches thick, vs what they would get if NT - 4 sides of A4…..

Presuming the OP’s 3 youngest haven’t shown any major developmental delays as yet, but this doesn’t discount they could be high functioning autistic, dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD… all of which usually shows up circa age 6/7.

If there was no neurodiversity I would say, you have 4, what’s one more!

But she is already not able to go out to work because the 8 year old has autism severe enough to require 1:1 tuition at home.

I just don’t see how she’s going to maintain the support that child needs, meet the - potentially greater than normal - needs of the other three as they age and cope with another one on top.

It’s a lot.

@FlatWhiteExtraHot

forgot to tag you - see my post above.

The issue is there is a disabled child in the family, and the younger three are likely to also develop problems…

I don’t think it’s fair to lump a fifth child on top of this. Her husband is already at breaking point.

Speaking from my own experience of how much more stressful it is having a SEN child, it just sounds madness to consider another.

if he found out, he'd be furious - this is such a bad scenario. I am widowed now, but OH and I were a partnership. We would talk this through with no hint of blame on either side - blame is simply not appropriate. It should simply not come into it. We would have had a quick gasp and settled in to discuss it all - we would have done the test together and planned the future together.

If he truly were a good man you would not be afraid to tell him. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. A good man would not do this to you. He would tackle this shared responsibility together.

Incidentally my OH was not keen to get the snip, then several months later booked it as he could see it was the best way forward. And then I had to have a hysterectomy!! Belt and braces!

OP considering the gravity of your situation and the atypical nature of the dynamics, I think you need to tell your husband immediately.

In your case it isn’t as simple as just another baby to join the fun, there could be significant additional care needs that impact your existing children (tests will not show ND) and your marriage very severely.

Your husband really does have a right to know especially considering the circumstances.

Only you and he together can assess the capacity you have; whether you can meet the needs of the existing four and take on another.

aaand the drip feed is complete. You have 4 children already. I wonder if the mumsnet dad bashers might actually see things from his point of view now.

He must have quite a stressful job to already be supporting 4 children if you are not working. This probably needs consideration.

The point is that both of you agreed no children. He didn't want the snip but you used condoms. That condom has now not worked and you are pregnant. This should be an issue you are discussing jointly. Yes, of course, the decision to have an abortion or not sits entirely with you and it's clear you do not want to do that - which is fine. But it's actually okay for him to be upset.

What's NOT okay is for him to treat you badly/blame you etc because you choose not to have an abortion. As a couple, you are now having another child because you - the person whose body it is - are not willing to have an abortion and because as a couple, your contraception failed. As a couple, you need to work through that.

I think the answer is pretty simple, you want the baby, your body, and you have to tell him that you're pregnant and keeping the baby. The message is simple, his reaction may not be so simple. Do you have a family member of friend you can warn beforehand to support you both after you tell him? Sometimes having a voice of reason may make him see sense about your choice.

He really should not have been so irresponsible as to take the risk when you already have four kids one with additional needs. I can absolutely understand why he wouldn't want more as this sounds incredibly stressful especially when he is the only breadwinner. I can't believe he could be so daft as to take such a risk. you are also putting yourself in a vulnerable position. If he decides to leave how will you support yourself and five kids- obviously he will need to pay child maintenance but it is still likely to be very difficult practically and financially.

It’s not “dad-bashing” ffs. It’s pointing out that NO ONE can try and coerce another woman into having an abortion. It’s also pointing out that a supposedly good person and great dad would know that already.

Absolutely! Well said!

@Diaria I’m certainly not going to deny your very good points. If the OP was asking for opinions on what she should do then yes, I would agree with you.

However, she’s already decided she wants to keep the baby so I don’t think people telling her to get an abortion was what she was looking for. My actual point was the fact that when posters assumed she had a couple of kids they were on her side. I assume this baby isn’t less important or more disposable to her just because it’s the fifth.

I don’t see the tide turning. No one is telling the OP that she has to have an abortion or that her husband should be allowed to make her do so. Of course not.

But you’re living in a dreamland if you think that a 5th - possibly 6th if another multiple pregnancy - isn’t an enormous undertaking. If the “tide is turning” at most this will be posters realising that hiding the pregnancy until Jan is an even worse idea, given the inevitable impact this will have on their current children and them and their marriage.

How far along are you?

I think I would be worried about telling him before Christmas if you are worried about his reaction. Where abouts are you? Where I am you can only terminate up to 12 weeks. If it were me I'd wait until then to tell him so that he can't try and force you into a termination.

Do a test about the 11 week mark then book a scan together and find out you are further along than you though.

So you already have four kids, and he wouldn't commit to doing the one thing that would ensure he didn't have any more. Plus he completely checked out of your other pregnancies. Not a good husband or father, in my opinion.

That said, five kids on your own would be no picnic.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion

He doesn’t get to tell you what you do with your body, full stop. If you don’t want an abortion you need to tell him it’s not negotiable.

It’s a difficult secret to keep all that time though OP, unless you pretend you’ve only just realised. But then that’s more lies I guess. Not telling him is just going to delay the agony and cause more stress in the meantime. I think I’d bite the bullet and tell him today.

Sorry you are in this situation OP . I would just tell him and say you are keeping the baby, no matter what. You didn’t get pregnant on your own, he needs to take responsibility too.

I would tell him asap, as he might notice soon if you have morning sickness, no period, avoid alcohol at Christmas/new year’s eve etc. you shouldn’t be carrying this alone.

Good luck

What a tough situation OP. Personally I think you should tell him as soon as possible but after you've thought through how you will manage if he were to leave you if you decide to keep the baby. Four young children is already a lot, a fifth (or potentially 5th and 6th!) could make it impossible for you to cope and affect not just you and your partner's lives but all of your children. Whatever decision you make I think should take into account everyone's needs not just your wants - which I say gently as I'm not at all suggesting you are being selfish, just that you need to think with your head as well as your heart. I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to abort though.

To have sex is a decision between two people. A decision on whether or not to carry on with the pregnancy and add another child into the family should also be made between two people.

It is inherently wrong to lead with "your body, your decision" nonsense. It might be "your body" during the pregnancy but it very much isn't so as soon as the baby is born. Everyone in the family is affected physically, mentally, financially from that point onwards. For the rest of their lives.

If someone was to refuse to consider my needs in such a major way within a relationship... I'd have to say "my life, my money, my decision" and I'd leave.

Having said that, OP's husband might not feel quite as strongly against expanding his family as I do - I can't see myself touching with a bargepole anyone happy enough to be bringing about numerous children, bar touching them without solid contraception in place. So maybe his cost-benefit analysis is still in favour of more children.

How is this your fault . This is all
him he refused the snip . He wants an abortion . Well HE doesn’t get to make that choice . So he gets to play around literally and expects you to pick up the peace’s and abort your child .

Id wait until after Xmas too and I’d be more than willing to let him leave if that’s what he wants.
You need to find strength and some anger.

Ansoloutley. My opinion still stands.

Given he wanted one dc, he is even more of a twat for not getting the snip.