Page 22 | How do I break the news to my husband?

Rainbowdaisys · 2023-12-12T20:14:54+00:00

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy. My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant. I haven't told him, and I don't know how. He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion. I'd never want this. I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him. With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year. I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts. But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around. Any advise?

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 10:16

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 08:15

and an LA funding long term home tutoring… well unless you actually name any LAs all i can go on is my own - which does not.

How do you know LA's in England have a responsibility if a child cannot go to school then they have to provide and pay for home education. Online schools accept LA money. To say outright they don't is not the truth.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 10:30

MeMySonAnd1 · 14/12/2023 19:24

And at what time he will be studying or upskilling when he is working long hours to support a 6 people family on his own and he gets back home to a house full of young children who may need help to settle at night and who may still be waking up at random hours? When will OP get a rest to recover from the day with all the children if he needs to get back home and not help with the children because he has study assessments to submit?

OP mentioned they are comfortable with just one salary. If the household of 6 can be financially comfortable on a single income I would say that it is very likely he is very well paid already. If he needs to up skill, I can assure you he will need more than 10-15 hours of study a week.

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If the op wants to know I will private message her. I homeschool one of my children and I have 3 more children. My bloke is superman one minute and then batman the next and when you think that's it he's superman. I don't work how does he manage with a mortgage and all that goes with educating children. Last thing to add I am not on the pill either I am going for child number 5. Judge all you want life ain't that bad you have to work it out.

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 11:33

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 10:30

If the op wants to know I will private message her. I homeschool one of my children and I have 3 more children. My bloke is superman one minute and then batman the next and when you think that's it he's superman. I don't work how does he manage with a mortgage and all that goes with educating children. Last thing to add I am not on the pill either I am going for child number 5. Judge all you want life ain't that bad you have to work it out.

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sounds like utter carnage

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 11:53

escapethemaze · 15/12/2023 11:33

sounds like utter carnage

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Even though my kids are happy and are provided for. You're right sounds like utter carnage. I love my life and wouldn't change it for anything.

QueenCamilla · 15/12/2023 17:27

UserNMCHNG · 14/12/2023 14:34

Thank you for sharing your story@QueenCamilla it explains your stance on this subject. My heart is breaking for you and your brother, it's very sad.

I have a question. Despite all the suffering that has come out of your mum's unplanned pregnancy, you and your brother must still be thankful for your mum for giving you a shot at this life? What would be the alternative, not being here?

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You see, my mum knew that my father was against having children, which is the point where I see parallels with the OP.
My parents had already decided to terminate another pregnancy before my brother and I were born. No one was under any illusions. All along there was a way to avoid the oncoming crash - if my mum had walked away from an unsuitable partner. She wishes she had.

There are so many complex feelings around an absent parent that ran away from YOU. Not to another woman or better life by any tangible standards but just another place away from YOU.

I can't say for sure how much of a link there is between those hidden feelings and the fact that I have one child and my brother none.
If there is indeed a link, then it's a bit of a continuous mess now and it would be rather wise if two adults nearly four decades ago hadn't started it - even if that was to change everything.

Fathers are not optional. That's the main thing for some posters to consider.

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 08:56

Carpediemmakeitcount · 15/12/2023 11:53

Even though my kids are happy and are provided for. You're right sounds like utter carnage. I love my life and wouldn't change it for anything.

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to be fair…. your children are older teens so a little different

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/12/2023 10:14

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 08:56

to be fair…. your children are older teens so a little different

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Now they are teens. I was 19 when I was pregnant with my first and had 3 children 5 and under before I was 25. I had my 4th when my youngest was 7 and I was homeschooling all of them at the time. My 20's was a blur.

My partner has a fear of living in poverty and for throughout our relationship over 20 years he has always adapted and upskilled when he needs to. My partner has a big personality he is very confident. As you know it's always been only the two of us no other family. I believe anything is possible and I don't see why she needs to have an abortion if she doesn't want to have an abortion. It doesn't matter if the op was in her 20's or 40's it can be worked out.

Pinkkisugarmouse · 16/12/2023 17:22

So he can decide if you have an abortion but you don’t get a say in if he has the snip. That’s bad even more so considering he’s the one that adamantly doesn’t want more children.
Tell him and tell him in no uncertain terms that the decision about an abortion is yours. If he tries to push you into having one when you don’t want to that’s coercive control and it’s a form of abuse.

MeMySonAnd1 · 18/12/2023 14:11

Carpediemmakeitcount · 16/12/2023 10:14

Now they are teens. I was 19 when I was pregnant with my first and had 3 children 5 and under before I was 25. I had my 4th when my youngest was 7 and I was homeschooling all of them at the time. My 20's was a blur.

My partner has a fear of living in poverty and for throughout our relationship over 20 years he has always adapted and upskilled when he needs to. My partner has a big personality he is very confident. As you know it's always been only the two of us no other family. I believe anything is possible and I don't see why she needs to have an abortion if she doesn't want to have an abortion. It doesn't matter if the op was in her 20's or 40's it can be worked out.

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No need to be so smug especially if you were having children as a teen.

Ambitious men, require matching interesting wives so you are likely to have trained and improve yourself continuosly, a very lucky woman, one that looks like a model or… the dutiful good woman who raises his kids and keeps the house ticking while he is engaging in more meaningful relationships with women he has far more in common with.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 18/12/2023 16:38

MeMySonAnd1 · 18/12/2023 14:11

No need to be so smug especially if you were having children as a teen.

Ambitious men, require matching interesting wives so you are likely to have trained and improve yourself continuosly, a very lucky woman, one that looks like a model or… the dutiful good woman who raises his kids and keeps the house ticking while he is engaging in more meaningful relationships with women he has far more in common with.

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You watch to much EastEnders what an active imagination you have. If I exchange with you then I will be letting you in my secrets. I have kept quiet most of my life so why should I tell you, you figure it out for yourself. You seem to know more about me than me.

MeMySonAnd1 · 18/12/2023 21:22

Carpediemmakeitcount · 18/12/2023 16:38

You watch to much EastEnders what an active imagination you have. If I exchange with you then I will be letting you in my secrets. I have kept quiet most of my life so why should I tell you, you figure it out for yourself. You seem to know more about me than me.

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To be honest, I don’t give a hoot about your life or your “secrets” but I do resent seen you being so nasty and offensive to other people.

And no, no Eastenders here at all. I am one of those women who has no time for shite TV 🙂

Carpediemmakeitcount · 18/12/2023 21:33

MeMySonAnd1 · 18/12/2023 21:22

To be honest, I don’t give a hoot about your life or your “secrets” but I do resent seen you being so nasty and offensive to other people.

And no, no Eastenders here at all. I am one of those women who has no time for shite TV 🙂

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I have not been that way at all I think your imagination is running away with you again. You seem very invested in me to be stalking me on other threads should I be worried? I better double lock my doors tonight.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 18/12/2023 21:43

@MeMySonAnd1 it weren't you who found me another poster did. She found out about my children not you. I take it back what I posted to you. You have to understand the journey I have been on. Do you not think I wanted my family involved they would prefer me to be on the street than have what I have you sound like the people I ran from when you call me smug I know what that means. What do want me to do with 4 children not prosper be poor and fucked so you can feel sorry for me.

MeMySonAnd1 · 18/12/2023 23:28

I think you need to be treated for paranoia, I don’t remember you from any other threads. In fact I had not even noticed your name until it started appearing repeatedly in my notifications tonight.

If you have been all around mumsnet slagging single mums as gold diggers who should have kept their legs closed… yeah, probably I have replied to you in other threads as well.

Now grow a rhino hide or stop posting, this site gets more than 100,000 posts a day, nobody cares so much about what you say as to be following you around. If people replies to one of your messages they are not after you.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 19/12/2023 09:48

MeMySonAnd1 · 18/12/2023 23:28

I think you need to be treated for paranoia, I don’t remember you from any other threads. In fact I had not even noticed your name until it started appearing repeatedly in my notifications tonight.

If you have been all around mumsnet slagging single mums as gold diggers who should have kept their legs closed… yeah, probably I have replied to you in other threads as well.

Now grow a rhino hide or stop posting, this site gets more than 100,000 posts a day, nobody cares so much about what you say as to be following you around. If people replies to one of your messages they are not after you.

The other poster who found me found out I had older children that's all. I assumed it was the same poster on here being nasty but it's really you because I am not reading the names of the posters and making assumptions. I haven't slagged anyone off on here you have been unpleasant to me and making up stories. What you get out of it I don't know is it that time of year???

On a lighter note:

My daughter is coming home tomorrow from university and I can't wait. I have lots to do for Christmas and for next year. I hope you have a happy Christmas with your family.

If the op is still reading which I doubt she is:

To the op do what's right for you no one can coerce you into doing anything you are not comfortable with. Whether you decide to keep or have an abortion is up to you. Relax now and enjoy Christmas with your children and husband. Tell him when you're ready you know it won't be an easy conversation stick to what you want to do.

Pizdietz · 19/12/2023 12:15

Going back to OP, how are you getting on? Did you tell him? I hope things are going OK for you and the family.

shobiddi · 19/12/2023 20:54

Any update?

YerArseInParsley · 28/12/2023 09:40

@Rainbowdaisys

Did you tell your husband? How did he take it?