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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
BlazingJune · 13/12/2023 11:14

Ultimately he had sex with a fertile woman using a contraception that does not have a 100% success rate.

The only 100% effective method is no sex.

I suspect he was careless with the condom.

Dillane · 13/12/2023 11:15

GoodVibesHere · 12/12/2023 20:21

Gosh I think he might be even more annoyed to hear you've had a scan or that you've known a while before telling him. I guess you need to be careful there.

Don’t be so ridiculous, if he was that determined not to have any more children he should have had taken responsibility and had a vasectomy.

MammaTo · 13/12/2023 11:16

I know this goes against the grain a little bit but with having 4 kids already, one with additional needs and then another baby that’s not even wanted by it’s father - who’s best interest is it in to have the baby?
There’s so much already on yours and your husband’s plate already and by the sounds of it he is struggling as it is, so why add to the stress and potentially cause detriment to the new baby and existing ones.

I fully appreciate he should of got a vasectomy, but I think that you shouldn’t keep this baby as a “well I told you so” sort of thing.

Babla · 13/12/2023 11:17

Your DH should have had the snip! It's a simple and easy procedure

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 13/12/2023 11:20

Op, I agree that maybe you should wait until after Christmas to avoid conflict. If you're definitely going to have the baby then for the sake of harmony over the Christmas time it sounds sensible.

BlazingJune · 13/12/2023 11:20

Don’t be so ridiculous, if he was that determined not to have any more children he should have had taken responsibility and had a vasectomy.

Even the snip is not 100%. It can reverse, naturally.

When a couple really don't want another child they have to be on the same page and even double up on contraception (IMO.)

If this was a genuine condom failure (splitting) and not carelessness, he is not at fault as it does take 2 to conceive.

CurlewKate · 13/12/2023 11:20

He is completely vile. But whether or not you have the baby is absolutely your choice. You need to think very carefully about whether you want to raise it alone. Which it looks as if you will if you have it.

If I were in your position, I'd take this as a wake up call. Have a termination and then divorce him.

WombatChocolate · 13/12/2023 11:21

Glad you’ve decided to tell him.

I couldn’t enjoy life and Christmas with this ‘secret’ hanging over me that I’d have to tell.

It is something you will have to deal with together. And you will deal with it together and comments which have been made about a pregnancy which was then theoretical rather than real, often cease to be relevant and faced with the reality, people feel and respond differently…..so don’t feel it is a dine deal and DH won’t be able to cope with the idea if the pregnancy.

Things that have already happened - him not having the snip, him saying you would need to terminate a pregnancy….try to move beyond these, to the reality if the pregnancy and moving forward from here.

Tell him very soon. Tell him you are shocked and it wouldn’t have been your plan but life throws things at you. Tell him you could never feel comfortable with a termination. Don’t start with an accusation about him not having snip or blame or resentment. Start with this having happened and being something to face together. Expect him to step up. Expect he will be shocked and first might say some things you don’t like, but expect him to think about it and adjust and step up.

I feel like in this kind of situation, too many people hold a grudge and suggest a course of action of leaving the man, based on some unpleasant theoretical comments or comments made when first hearing shocking news. Of course it would be better if these thoughtless or unkind comments were not made, but theoretical and first reactions are often throw-away comments and don’t necessarily reflect the thought-through feelings of someone who is thinking about a real situation and has had the time they need to process information.

He will need time to process the information. And what matters is how he reacts then and not what he said theoretically or even what his first reactions are when he first hears the news.

Tell him soon OP. It’s a big deal and if you withhold the info, that will make it a bigger deal still.

Be hopeful. As you say, you have money and time for another child. Most if it will fall to you. And once this is real for him and not theoretical and he’s processed it, believe that the man you love and father of your children will step up. This is what decent men do in this situation. And there’s nothing to suggest he isn’t a decent man. Even decent men say foolish things sometimes.

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 13/12/2023 11:22

@MammaTo

Maybe she's keeping it because it's her baby and it's already done. Some people don't support abortion and just deal with the situation once it happens. I know that I wouldn't be prepared to have an abortion regardless of whether my husband wanted it or not or whether it was ideal.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/12/2023 11:23

So he knew perfectly well that there was a good chance you could get pregnant - as he told you often enough.

And...he did nothing about it.

I wonder if he will get the snip if the marriage does not work out.

Or will he be out there fathering more children...

Gettingbysomehow · 13/12/2023 11:23

This probably isn't a very nice thing to say but you said you wanted to hear all views so that's why I'm saying it.
How would you feel if you had a very severely autistic child or with disabilities that meant your child would never grow up and be able to look after themselves. Its possible.
But I think he is utterly irresponsible not having the snip and expecting you to have an abortion which can as I know from personal experience destroy your mental health for years and often cause a complete breakdown. IT IS HIS FAULT 100% make sure he knows this.

pontipinemum · 13/12/2023 11:24

Just read your update. I know I had said not to tell him, but I know I wouldn't be not able to tell my DH.

Just be firm. You do not want an abortion. The contraceptive failed, these things happen. But you won't be forced to do something you don't want to.

I'd guess he'll get the snip this time!!

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 11:24

PlipPlopChoo · 13/12/2023 10:52

The issue was given plenty of consideration when they agreed that he would get a vasectomy and the OP even tried to book it for him

Erm. He never agreed to get a vasectomy. Read the first post again.

So he agreed to take the risk of using condoms knowing that they aren't fool proof then.

He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

He chose to take the risk of this happening rather than get the snip.

eardefender · 13/12/2023 11:25

Congratulations on your pregnancy, all babies deserve to be wanted and loved and don't feel bad for wanting and loving this baby and being excited about it. You have that right to. Don't feel bad about wanting the baby more than the man child.

Sorry OP he doesn't sound very nice at all. If he absolutely didn't want anymore children then why didn't he practise abstinence from sex. Does he not know by now how babies are made. Everyone knows you cant rely 100% on condoms. He is just as responsible as you. He sounds like a big man child and really lacks maturity. I would tell him now, don't feel guilty or give in to his tantrums. I would be inclined to go it alone OP if you want to continue the with the baby.

Bingobatman · 13/12/2023 11:25

It sounds like you’ve made your mind up to keep the baby. You know he doesn’t want to.
in this scenario I wouldn’t tell him until after Christmas - enjoy it together, things will most likely change afterwards. Hopefully not, but I think you should realistically make sure you are prepared for life as a single mum as he’s been very clear with you about what he can cope with. I find it odd that you prioritise another child over your husband’s mental health but obviously I feel differently about abortion to you, it’s a horrible decision to have to make.
My autistic kids were fine at 8. Roll onto teens and it’s a very different story. We are on our knees, often. Maybe yours will be different, but ask anyone in your SEN network if their kids were still easy in adolescence. I wish I had had less.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and really hope it works out.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 13/12/2023 11:27

It sounds like you have decided to tell him now.

In the mean time, I’d plan fir him to nit it well at all and your marriage to end up in a divorce. With 5 children, and not working, you really need to have a plan B imo. Even though I really really hope for you and the dcs that it will not come to that.

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 11:27

PeppermintMandy · 13/12/2023 10:58

He’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t want the vasectomy. Did OP make it clear she wouldn’t have an abortion if she were to fall pregnant? If not then no they aren’t the same.

Show quote history

This isn't really the slam dunk argument you seem to think it is.

Because if you find yourself pregnant and not wanting an abortion you don't have to have one just because at some earlier point when you were not pregnant you hadn't ruled out theoretically having an abortion one day.

Agreeing to have an abortion is like consenting to sex. It can be withdrawn at any time, for any reason.

Mischance · 13/12/2023 11:27

Your marriage should be a partnership in which you can discuss things openly and disagree openly.

You should tell him. And that an abortion is not an option for you. If he flies off the handle then so be it; at least you will know how "good" a man or otherwise he is.

You clearly are not happy about the idea of having an abortion and presumably you have taken into account your family situation, so no abortion is a given. He will have to suck it up. Not ideal, but that is life.

It is unfortunate that you find yourself in this situation, but he made the choice not to have the snip knowing your views about having an abortion. He cannot have sex whilst insufficiently protected and say that if you get pregnant you must have an abortion. That is not his choice to make. HIS choice was to use effective contraception and he chose not to.

Worried234 · 13/12/2023 11:30

'Hasn't taken to Fatherhood' but you've continued to have kids with him?

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 11:30

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 11:24

So he agreed to take the risk of using condoms knowing that they aren't fool proof then.

He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

He chose to take the risk of this happening rather than get the snip.

Show quote history

In reality though, they both consented to sex with a condom, knowing they were not on the same page with their attitude to risk. Who's "fault" it is makes no difference to his response either.
She is entirely entitled to keep her baby, but it's not realistic to expect him to get over it or be happy about it.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 13/12/2023 11:34

BlazingJune · 13/12/2023 11:20

Don’t be so ridiculous, if he was that determined not to have any more children he should have had taken responsibility and had a vasectomy.

Even the snip is not 100%. It can reverse, naturally.

When a couple really don't want another child they have to be on the same page and even double up on contraception (IMO.)

If this was a genuine condom failure (splitting) and not carelessness, he is not at fault as it does take 2 to conceive.

The OP hasn’t said anything about why the snip or tte condoms.

But Fwiw i was in this exact same place because I can’t cope with any hormonal contraception nor do I cope well with the coil.
DH hates condoms so thought the withdrawal technique would be ok until he got the snip (many many months later). 😵‍💫😵‍💫

My point is, you can’t always double down on contraception. There are many reasons why the OP wasn’t taking the pill and it doesn’t mean he isn’t at fault fir not taking the one step that would have avoided this pregnancy.

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 11:35

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 11:30

In reality though, they both consented to sex with a condom, knowing they were not on the same page with their attitude to risk. Who's "fault" it is makes no difference to his response either.
She is entirely entitled to keep her baby, but it's not realistic to expect him to get over it or be happy about it.

Show quote history

Yes, they both consented to sex with a condom. Apparently only one of them was actually happy to accept the risk associated with that though.

The OP was happy to accept the risk of getting pregnant, she is now pregnant and she doesn't want to have an abortion.

Her husband was apparently not happy to accept the risk of her getting pregnant, but refused to get a vasectomy and said that if she did get pregnant she would have to have an abortion.

That's not OK.

You can't say, "I don't want another baby but I also don't want to have a minor medical procedure to reduce the risk of that happening to almost zero, so we will continue to rely on condoms but if you get pregnant you have to have an abortion even though that would be way more traumatic and invasive for you than getting a vasectomy would be for me."

Well, you can, he basically did, but you can't force the other person to fall into line if they don't want to.

As I said, bodily autonomy goes both ways. His right not to have a vasectomy doesn't trump her right not to have an abortion.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 13/12/2023 11:35

Right, so he said that if you fell pregnant you would "have" to have a termination, and yet he refused to get the snip?! That's pretty appalling behaviour to be honest.

Do what you want to do op - it's your body. Be prepared to go it alone though, as your DH sounds like a twat.

Reddog1 · 13/12/2023 11:36

Worried234 · 13/12/2023 11:30

'Hasn't taken to Fatherhood' but you've continued to have kids with him?

This stood out to me too.

Perhaps bear in mind the impact on your 8 year old of another child that may have additional needs (although this isn’t a certainty of course).

It’s a mess. But I agree with PPs that no one can force you to terminate. And that it takes two to create a pregnancy. Just be prepared for the impact on your marriage, which sounds frail already tbh. If it ends you will probably have to return to work.

janey125N · 13/12/2023 11:37

He thinks with his dick, otherwise he would have got the snip