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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 21:31

Thank you all. I have since finding out been blaming myself. I don't know why other than I didn't mind having more children, he did, so therefore it must be my fault.

I feel that's how his family will see it too (son didn't want any more children, so she must have caused this). I didn't, I reminded him at length to get the snip as he was so anti more children. Even tried to book the appointment for him (I couldn't obviously).

But somehow I feel it's all my fault and I'm so anxious about telling him because I fear he'll put so much pressure on me because he will panic. Despite how he sounds here, he's a good person, and a good husband, he just hasn't taken to fatherhood as he thought he would. He also worries about money, overwhelm. We are financially secure but not well off.

The organisation I spoke to today were a great help in writing everything down about what decision I wanted (to keep baby) but not how to tell my husband. Although they did say they'd be happy to speak to him either as a couple of alone, once he knew.

They understood why I wanted a scan first and tests - and to wait until after Christmas as sometimes men in crisis mode respond better to having all the facts rather than the 'what ifs'. They said it might also help him see the pregnancy as 'real' rather than something removed/easy to detach from.

OP posts:
Taurusandvirgo · 12/12/2023 21:42

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

Well I'd do it like this..."we're divorcing"

Doubleespresso33 · 12/12/2023 21:48

But he’s not a good husband or a good person if he’s willing to push you into an abortion especially when he’s not bothered to take proper precautions himself. That for me would be enough to make me LTB

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2023 21:50

But somehow I feel it's all my fault and I'm so anxious about telling him because I fear he'll put so much pressure on me because he will panic. Despite how he sounds here, he's a good person, and a good husband, he just hasn't taken to fatherhood as he thought he would.

Either you're right that he will put pressure on, ruin Christmas, blame you and allow his family to too. OR he's a good person and a good man. I'm afraid both of these can't be true at the same time.

I'd tell him as soon as possible as a fait accompli. "I'm pregnant and we're having another baby". No discussion of 'if' but dealing together with the consequences.

gamerchick · 12/12/2023 21:52

You can't keep something this massive to yourself for weeks OP.

Tell him, tell him it's happening and if he strops, to take it elsewhere.

Then remind him that booking the snip is his responsibility.

PurBal · 12/12/2023 21:57

OP I am sorry you’re going through this. We recently had a scare (already completed our family) but the test was negative. DH also promised to go for the snip but hasn’t. I’m an external processor so I didn’t keep anything from DH but I totally understand why you’d need to process this. He may surprise you though. DH was on the fence about DC2 and I was nervous to tell him (even though we weren’t being careful) and he was thrilled. I appreciate that’s not the same as vehemently against. Thinking of you.

Taurusandvirgo · 12/12/2023 22:01

Either you're right that he will put pressure on, ruin Christmas, blame you and allow his family to too. OR he's a good person and a good man. I'm afraid both of these can't be true at the same time.

100% this. A good man isn't someone you're afraid to tell you're pregnant or afraid to disagree with (about abortion or anything else). A good man is not someone you have to hide things from because his anger at his self-inflicted situation will ruin Christmas for your other DC.

Like a lot of them, I'll bet he's fantastic...as long as he's getting his own way.

MuggleMe · 12/12/2023 22:04

This pregnancy is on him. HE didn't get the snip, HE continued to have sex knowing condoms aren't 100% and that you are opposed to abortion. It's the height of hypocrisy to refuse to have a medical procedure to PREVENT further pregnancies then demand you have a medical procedure to end one when that's not your fault.

It takes TWO to make a baby.

wildwestpioneer · 12/12/2023 22:05

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion

Amazing how he's happy for you to go through an abortion, but won't have the snip.

This is as much his fault as yours! Do not blame yourself!!

Tbh I'd tell him, then tell him you will only discuss it after Christmas, that way you can both have a good think about it

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/12/2023 22:39

You could go in all guns blazing. "I am so angry with you. I told you to get the snap and you didn't. You knew that condoms weren't reliable. You knew that I wasn't prepared to have a abortion. Now you have got me pregnant."

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/12/2023 23:04

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/12/2023 22:39

You could go in all guns blazing. "I am so angry with you. I told you to get the snap and you didn't. You knew that condoms weren't reliable. You knew that I wasn't prepared to have a abortion. Now you have got me pregnant."

Yup this would be totally fair enough.

Original poster
Rainbowdaisys · 13/12/2023 08:20

I should expand and say my husband is a very hands on dad, he works full time and provides for us all (we mutually agreed before we started trying for children that I would remain at home and he would work - he wasn't interested in 50/50 shared care/workload or even 70/30 etc)
And we worked out a way between us where that was financially feasible.

He spends all his spare time with us, every weekend is family time etc

All our children were planned and tried hard for, but we did have a multiple pregnancy that suddenly doubled our number of children which he found a shock and has been struggling to manage since emotionally and practically.

He was happy with one child and done type thing, now he suddenly has several.

I agree he should have had the snip and this is where telling him becomes merky. Because I want to value his feelings of not wanting more, his mental load, his desire to provide sufficiently for his family and balance their needs with not adding to our load, and I think he sees abortion as the practical solution.

He says I think with my heart not my head. It's different for men I think

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 13/12/2023 08:24

So will this be baby 5?

OhComeOnFFS · 13/12/2023 08:24

So you already have four children?

LoreleiG · 13/12/2023 08:26

Five children is a lot, maybe he is hoping you will go back to work too. I can see his point of view but equally it is now your choice only.

Sholkedabemus · 13/12/2023 08:27

Sleepsleepsleep123 · 12/12/2023 20:52

Why the hell would he be furious when it's essentially his fault?!

I've said to my dh that if he doesn't want any more kids then he'll have to get the snip or take the risk.

He sounds like a bellend tbh.

Yep, you’ve nailed it.

ohdamnitjanet · 13/12/2023 08:30

Redannie118 · 12/12/2023 20:32

Sorry op but your husband is vile. Sit him down and tell him you are pregnant because he failed to protect you from pregnancy. He refused a invasive, painful procedure to ensure you had no further children, so you have the right to do the same. He can stay and be a man, or run away from the mess he created like a snivelling coward. If he treats you badly or leaves you will not hesitate to tell all friends/family/colleagues/SM exactly what hes done.

Couldn’t have put it better myself, what a piece of work he is.

Sholkedabemus · 13/12/2023 08:34

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/12/2023 22:39

You could go in all guns blazing. "I am so angry with you. I told you to get the snap and you didn't. You knew that condoms weren't reliable. You knew that I wasn't prepared to have a abortion. Now you have got me pregnant."

I’m liking this approach. He thinks he can tell you to have a termination, yet he can’t even take responsibility for having a vasectomy.

LyricalGangsta · 13/12/2023 08:37

ExH didn't want DC3 or 4.
Told me both times I would need to get an abortion.
I didn't and had the children.
He came round within weeks and was supportive throughout pregnancy and labour etc
However, I will never forget the times he told me "to get rid of it" when he took absolutely no responsibility for contraception

Since our divorce I have heard that apparently he holds it against me as I "forced him" to be a father to 4 kids when he only ever wanted 2.

But as I say, ex now for various reasons.

rainbowstardrops · 13/12/2023 08:49

Well firstly, nobody would be telling me I'd have to have an abortion.
He should have been more responsible and either had the snip, or kept his dick in his pants.
How old are your children?

Mariposista · 13/12/2023 08:56

He can’t force you into an abortion. You are both equally responsible for contraception so it is neither your exclusive fault nor his that this has happened.

Original poster
Rainbowdaisys · 13/12/2023 08:59

8, 5 and twin 2 year olds. The 8 year old has autism and has to be home tutored due to her needs. So we always knew I wouldn't be returning to work but so far manage fine (albeit busy!)

OP posts:
IdealisticCynic · 13/12/2023 09:01

I’m guessing this would be your 5th child (and 6th, if another multiple)? That is a huge undertaking and you need to know where things stand and get things in order sooner rather than later.

I think you should tell him ASAP. If you wait til after Christmas then he will accuse you of trying to run down the clock on an abortion. Obviously you don’t want one and absolutely should not be forced into one, but you need to start dealing with the consequences immediately and not add the complication of him being angry and resentful because you hid it. The sooner you say something, the sooner you can deal with it and make plans - together or otherwise. But it’ll be harder the further along your pregnancy you go.

More generally, in a good marriage, no spouse should be afraid of telling the other something that will affect them. You have bigger problems than the pregnancy if that’s how things are. And as for pp’s suggestion that you lie and tell him you only found out after Christmas - that’s appalling and deceitful - and again, would be an indication that there are issues in the marriage that you have to face up to.

Good luck, OP.

IdealisticCynic · 13/12/2023 09:03

Sorry, posted my guess re number of children before seeing your post confirming it!

My point still stands though. It is a huge deal and you really do need to speak to him sooner rather than later.

NonSequentialRhubarb · 13/12/2023 09:07

You need to tell him before you have a scan. Waiting so long to drop a bombshell like this would be unforgivable to me.

Is the idea that if you have the scan and you've miscarried or need to terminate for medical reasons, you'll just never mention this to him? That's a terrible idea, and a way to live under enormous pressure and possibly resentment forever.

Everyone on here will tell you to have the baby and screw what he thinks, but you're the only one who truly knows if that's a good idea or not financially and emotionally for all involved. I can't even say if your husband is unreasonable in his stance, without knowing how the contraception fail happened.