Pregnant Bridesmaid

[Firstimepregnancy]

I’m due to be a bridesmaid at 20 weeks in a few weeks time.
ive struggled with my pregnancy with bad morning sickness, tiredness and pelvic girdle pain.
I expressed to the bride that I will struggle the morning of the wedding as I’m feeling sick in the morning and finding my mornings are slower and harder. Having to have a 6am start ready for wedding at 1pm will be a real struggle. I asked if I could arrive later in the morning ahead of her getting dress on and photos I’d get my hair and make up done of course before hand but allowing my to come later will give me a better chance to last longer in the day!
she said I was causing her stress and I have to be there at 6am she knows a pregnant lady who same date as me and she is ‘fine’ which made me feel as though she thinks I’m lying about my struggles.
am I being unreasonable for wanting to come a little later?! I will of course do what she wants but I feel she is being a little unreasonable considering I’m coming to wedding rehearsal and dinner night before and am still doing a lot of duties on the day!

Stop conflating one with the other. Your instance makes sense and is valid. In this case OP is weeks out saying she's too tired to sit down in a chair and get her makeup done.

Likewise if a attendee broke their foot you wouldn't mind if the didn't stand to welcome the bride however if they had a paper cut (or in ops case thought they might get a paper cut during the reception) you'd be a bit miffed that they'd taken that choice as it detracts from the day and focuses on them (OP)

What wouldn't ruin your day? One of your bridesmaids not having perfect professionally applied makeup in the photo?

I mean... one would hope not. Because that would be fucking bonkers wouldn't it.

@TrudyProud so would you have dropped the pregnant friend, or at least been annoyed with her, I had at my wedding who dropped down her role from bridal party to guest on the wedding day as she was concerned about her pregnancy (only telling me the day before)

@MargotBamborough so it comes out..., you were the bridezilla! Dictating wedding outfits etc.

And the idea that you'd downgrade a close friend to acquaintance level for not wanting to be up at 6am on your wedding day whilst pregnant and feeling shitty is just...next level.

I don't even know what to say to that. That's utterly mad.

I said I didn't want her to wear a colour which clashed with the bridesmaids' outfits because she would be in the photos with the wedding party and it would look weird.

It was my one bridezilla moment, and I'm not proud of it. I recognise now that it didn't matter a jot, and I was being unreasonable.

But on the plus side, I didn't tell a pregnant friend who was feeling rough, "No, you must be on duty at 6am sharp and I will not make any allowances for you just because you're pregnant."

Or tell a pregnant woman on an anonymous forum that pregnancy isn't an illness, plenty of pregnant women get up at 6am every day for work, and that if she was a true friend she would just suck it up. (Oh and by the way, she should be blooming in the second trimester.)

*She lost the baby a couple of weeks later.

So I don’t have the perfect wedding photos with all my bridal party but that hasn’t impacted my marriage, didn’t impact the day but I still feel so sorry for my friend and her DH*

Oh my gosh, how beyond awful for your friend. I can hardly imagine a worse trauma 💔.
it’s not the scenario debated on this thread, however. If there were serious medical issues or risk to pregnancy then absolutely 100 million percent, bridesmaids duties can go to fudge. I can’t imagine anyone would try to argue otherwise.

It's normally the vendor ie MUA and hairstylist speaking with the photographer that dictate timings/schedule not the bride or MoH (at least was the case with my wedding).

I picked my wedding hair and makeup. My bridal party did the same. The hair and makeup people said how many hours they'd need to deliver the vision.

In my case I said I didn't want to miss my wedding taking photos that could be taken before hand so took some individual photos , photos with the children in the wedding party and my bridesmaids prior to walking down the aisle so that after we could do combined and family and still have enough time for us to spend time with our guests plus enjoy the canapés and open bar we'd put on for our guest. Every friend who was married before me suggested this as they felt they missed most of their wedding for all the photos.

@MargotBamborough did you decide not to read my message before responding? I clearly said a bridesmaid looking crappy wouldn't have impacted my day (I wouldn't have allowed it - neither would my other bridesmaids tbf).
I just said the photos would serve as a reminder

@TrudyProud honestly if you would insist on a bridesmaid going to unnecessary lengths when she's sick because it's "your special day" then you're a shit friend. Why would you make any of your closest friends do something they aren't happy or comfortable with?

Now questioning whether your 7 month pregnant MOH did all those things for you because she wanted to, or because she was emotionally blackmailed and afraid of being cut out of your life 🤔

@MargotBamborough the anonymous pregnant woman came to the internet for opinions- I gave mine.

Nothing whatsoever wrong with that it's not like I've gone and offered an unsolicited opinion.

So...let me get this straight.

If your bridesmaid was pregnant and feeling crappy, and as a result didn't come and get her makeup done at 6am as planned, but turned up at 9am having done her own makeup, during your weekly(!) perusal of your wedding photo album the sight of her slightly less contoured face would make you feel annoyed that your pregnant friend wasn't 300% committed to her bridesmaid duties rather than happy that your pregnant friend was there by your side on your big day?

Wow.

@Skinthin she was given the all clear by the MW the day before our wedding it wasn't deemed an at risk pregnancy, but friend wanted to take it easy on our day. How shit a friend would I have felt though if as a bride I had a hissy fit about that, when they had the sad news a few weeks later.

I let pregnant friends lead the way on how they feel

I think what truly proud is trying to say is it’s the effort that counts (like the thought that counts when gifting). Personally I’m not the kind of person to have a wedding with bridesmaids or generally make demands of anyone , but if I were and a friend started flaking out of the commitments she made to me on what is generally considered one of the most important days on one’s life (where she’d been given a special role to acknowledge the importance to me of our friendship) simply because they were 20 weeks pregnant and didn’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning (unless there were medical issues) I’d def start to question how much value they placed, and therefore I should place In turn , in the relationship. I think that’s what trulyproud is trying to say

The hair and makeup people said how many hours they'd need to deliver the vision.

😂

Howling at this.

Bonkers.

Question all you like @honeybeeeee the great thing is I know my friend. Never once did I ask for any of it. In fact I purposely said not to worry because Covid was making everything too stressful (I was still changing invites the week before our wedding).

My friend did all of that because a) she loves me b) she knows I'd do and have done that and more for her, her family and her kids
c) she recognised that (hopefully) it's a onetime event in her best friend's life and she wanted to be part of it d) she recognised weddings are stressful- Covid weddings make standard weddings seem a walk in your garden e) taking a full role in her best friend wedding is a joy not a chore

And f) She even said spending the night at the hotel with getting her hair and makeup done was far more restful and enjoyable that having her toddler keep her up all night. She said it was the best night sleep she'd had all pregnancy .

Some people are good friends and luckily have good friends. Some take what they can get and throw it in your face if you complain.

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Anyway, it doesn't seem as though OP is coming back or soliciting further advice/opinions really doesn't matter what any of us think or would do

I think it's really unfair to frame this as flaking out on commitments.

And doesn't this go both ways? If the friendship matters to the bride shouldn't she make a little effort to accommodate the OP?

Her uterus didn't get the memo that on the 15th July (or whenever) the day is ALL about the bride and the OP is not allowed to be in any physical discomfort.

What's bonkers ? That a professional has set the time constraints and I and my bridal party respected her professional opinion enough to listen and act on it?

Please elaborate

Yes but it’s not comparable. OP hasn’t “had a scare” or been “given the all clear”. She’s just a 20 week preg woman. It’s absolutely awful that people experience pregnancy loss as 20 weeks, but it’s v rare, and the world can’t work on the assumption that all 20 week pregnant women are at meaningful risk of miscarriage at any given moment in time and therefor can’t go about their ordinary course of business. If the world did work that way, it would not be generally good for pregnant women,

Thank you so much.
Honestly, I didn't think what I was saying was such an alien concept.

And doesn't this go both ways? If the friendship matters to the bride shouldn't she make a little effort to accommodate the OP

yes I do think it goes both ways. Hence, as previously stated, I think both OP and bride are sounding quite unreasonable.

What you were saying was pure emotional manipulation, which doesn't usually go hand in hand with having the kind of solid, healthy friendships you are claiming to have.

Well what do you think would be an appropriate compromise?

Either 6am is an appropriate start time for a pregnant woman who doesn't feel well or it isn't.

@TrudyProud so you would have been happy for your MOH not to bother arranging a hen do for you, but would cut her down to an acquaintance if she didn't show up at 6am for hair and make up when suffering with morning sickness? Weird but ok.

I can see why your MOH stayed at the hotel the night before if it was providing such a restful break for her. It clearly worked in her favour. However what the bride is asking for in this instance doesn't work in OPs favour and is the opposite of restful.

6am is a totally usual time for a 20 week preg woman to get up. As someone pointed out, if OP is planning to have some more she’s got a nasty shock 😂. OP was not a good friend to start reneging on commitments she made to bride on wedding day simply because she’s 20 weeks preg. However, given Op did ask, bride was not a good friend and extremely rude for saying no.