Pregnant Bridesmaid

[Firstimepregnancy]

I’m due to be a bridesmaid at 20 weeks in a few weeks time.
ive struggled with my pregnancy with bad morning sickness, tiredness and pelvic girdle pain.
I expressed to the bride that I will struggle the morning of the wedding as I’m feeling sick in the morning and finding my mornings are slower and harder. Having to have a 6am start ready for wedding at 1pm will be a real struggle. I asked if I could arrive later in the morning ahead of her getting dress on and photos I’d get my hair and make up done of course before hand but allowing my to come later will give me a better chance to last longer in the day!
she said I was causing her stress and I have to be there at 6am she knows a pregnant lady who same date as me and she is ‘fine’ which made me feel as though she thinks I’m lying about my struggles.
am I being unreasonable for wanting to come a little later?! I will of course do what she wants but I feel she is being a little unreasonable considering I’m coming to wedding rehearsal and dinner night before and am still doing a lot of duties on the day!

well I’m not an expert in employment law, but I presumed that was in case the nature of someone’s work involves doing something that might be dangerous to the health of the pregnancy? Like operating heavy machinery, or working with particular chemicals etc.? As far as I know, a work risk assessment wouldn’t exempt someone for getting up early in time to start work and you can’t start mat leave until much later in preg. OP hasn’t suggested there is anything in the schedule that might endanger the health of her foetus as far as I’m aware?

I still do think the bride is being obnoxious / a bridezilla though.

Neither of my pregnancies have been remotely easy. (I developed a serious, life threatening illness in my first). My personal experience has nothing to do with it.

Well then it is all the more surprising that you can't find it in yourself to have a little sympathy for the OP and agree that the bride should be more understanding.

You should understand better than most that pregnancy frequently IS like an illness for some women.

Unless your idea of a difficult pregnancy is the occasional wave of nausea in the first trimester.

I have sympathy for anyone being asked to get up at 6am, and I think the bride is being a bridezilla/ obnoxious as stated.

However , i do find it problematic when people act like a healthy pregnancy is an illness or disability. I don’t think that helps anyone - including pregnant women. Pregnancy is a normal physiological state and should be recognised as such.

I mean, where I live many pregnant women are signed off work completely from the second trimester onwards because society recognises that pregnancy is hard. And not just women who do physical jobs.

But you're missing the point. This isn't work. Most women continue to work through pregnancy because they need to pay the bills, although employers can and frequently do make accommodations for them during pregnancy. This is being a bridesmaid. The OP isn't being paid for this, she's doing it as a favour to her friend. A friend who is supposed to care about her. A friend who will still be married at the end of the day whether the OP - or even the bride herself - is up at 6am having her makeup professionally done or not.

Most women who get married have at least one thing they get irrationally worked up about in the run up to the big day. It takes on a disproportionate importance in their head and they believe that their wedding will be ruined if this particular thing doesn't happen the way they want it to. Then after the wedding they realise it really couldn't have mattered less. I hope this is one of those things and that the bride will ideally come to her senses before the big day, or if not, that she will look back on her behaviour and realise how unreasonable she was being.

If this isn't one of those things and she's just a brat who must always have everything her own way, she's not the kind of friend anyone needs in their life, and her marriage probably won't last five years anyway.

Tell her you are sorry but you can't do it. X

@Skinthin do you expect women to carry on regardless without any medication whilst going through the menopause as well, no matter what their symptoms are. No allowances for anything that are women health related.

I had to have a work place risk assessment when I was pregnant and I was in an office role, no heavy lifting or chemicals involved, just sitting at a desk

It’s a good point, and of course I think women should be allowed medication / allowances when struggling through menopause . But women don’t just stop their daily lives for the years they are going through the menopause and if we normalised that it wouldn’t really serve the interests of women imv.

re work assessment- I’m not daft, I know all workplaces do them. The purpose is to asses any risk to the health of the pregnancy. That’s why it’s called a risk assessment It’s to cover employers back. It doesn’t exempt you from getting up early for work.

it’s ok - we don’t have to agree. Imv OP is being precious in saying she can’t get up with the other bridesmaids just because she’s 20 weeks pregnant, and the bride is being obnoxious and demanding for demanding any of her bridesmaids get up at 6am , and insisting on it even when one of them has said she’s struggling . 🤷🏼‍♀️

You’re both being precious. You have to be awake at 6am. It’s not that hard. Equally you could rock up at 7 without too much trouble.

@MargotBamborough where do you live that signs pregnant women off from the 2nd trimester?
Short of it bring some conservative state where women "work" for pin(afore) money I don't believe it.

Are you OP posting under a different name? She's gone awol and you want the rest of us to think pregnancy is some sanctified state that should preclude you from honouring a commitment to a friend or just stepping aside so the friend can have the day and prep they've planned and paid for.

After OP nonsense it's not a surprise that some brides worry about having pregnant women in their bridal party yet if the brides asked OP to step down when she got pregnant you'd probably be the first to say how terrible the bride was for ostracising OP because pregnancy doesn't affect your ability to fulfil bridesmaids responsibilities

No, @TrudyProud, I live in France.

I know loads of women who were signed off from quite early in their pregnancies and my own doctor would have signed me off from 4 or 5 months onward if I'd asked to be signed off, I only needed to say the word. People think you're very brave and a little bit crazy if you work past 35 weeks here.

Every week is different, hopefully you will be better by then. If not just arrive at 730. Still plenty of time and you won’t be so exhausted. Don’t ask, just turn up late.

And no bride needs to worry about having a pregnant woman in her bridal party unless the woman in question is so pregnant that there's a genuine chance her waters might go as she's walking down the aisle, or unless she is a bride bridezilla who is more concerned with trivial matters such as how the photographs are going to look or whether her bridesmaid will be up to being her personal servant all day than she is with their friendship or indeed her impending marriage.

If any aspect of your wedding arrangements is too much for a pregnant bridesmaid then you probably need to ask yourself whether what you are demanding is actually reasonable of any bridesmaid, or whether you need to chill out a bit.

The bride paying for all her bridesmaids to stay at a hotel, get their hair and make up done etc is a great bride. If you think having photos to remember such a great day is trivial that says a lot about you.

Also, if as a bride you want your bridesmaids to actually want to support you on your day (as groomsmen will do for the groom) and your bridesmaid won't do that for you that says a lot about the bridesmaid- the biggest mistake the bride made was thinking she had a strong enough bond that someone would "inconvenience" themselves by getting a lovely evening away and their make up done.

Personally, being a bridesmaid and MOH for my 2 best-friends was such an honour and I moved heaven and earth to ensure they had the best day and lead up to it incl dress selections, fittings, hen do etc. if you can't or won't do that make that clear at the start so the bride can agree or pick someone who will. What you can't do is start complaining that a very standard request has been made by the bride.

FYI when I got married (Covid delayed) my MOH was 7 months pregnant, had a toddler and lived in a different city to me. She still threw me a hen do, she still spent the evening and stayed at the hotel with me and woke up before me with present's because she was so excited that I was getting my bridal moment. Your bridesmaids are usually friends that have been there for years, know your dating mishaps and are now getting to watch you marry the love of your life. It shouldn't be an inconvenience to share in that joy. Or maybe I just have better friends that you so we know what's appropriate.

@TrudyProud how often do you look at your wedding photos?

Would it have spoiled your marriage if one of your bridesmaids didn’t have professional hair do and make up done at 6am?

Why wouldn't a pregnant woman get special treatment from a friend? Anyone who has been pregnant will know that being 20 weeks pregnant is harder than not being pregnant at all. If your pregnancy was a breeze and you can't relate, you must at least understand that women have different experiences and what is too much for someone else might not be too much for you.

Pregnancy itself isn't an illness but many women experience pregnancy related illnesses.

One of my friends who was in the bridal party was pregnant. She had a bit of a scare the day before, MW said all fine, but she asked if it was okay not to be involved in the morning but still came to the ceremony as a guest, as wanted to take it easy as still feeling worried. I was fine with this as her welfare more important. She lost the baby a couple of weeks later.

So I don’t have the perfect wedding photos with all my bridal party @TrudyProud but that hasn’t impacted my marriage, didn’t impact the day but I still feel so sorry for my friend and her DH.

Your bridesmaids are usually friends that have been there for years, know your dating mishaps and are now getting to watch you marry the love of your life. It shouldn't be an inconvenience to share in that joy. Or maybe I just have better friends that you so we know what's appropriate.

This is just pointlessly snotty and horrible as a comment.

In my friendships, we have different values - which are about comfort, piss-taking and having a chilled time with each other.

Your values are different, not better. DIFFERENT, NOT BETTER.

And your attitude is worse.

Your priorities are all screwed up here.

You can have a wonderful time with your bridesmaids and a fabulous wedding without requiring people to be in hair and makeup at 6am like they're a stonkingly well paid Hollywood actor getting ready for a long day of filming for the latest Marvel movie.

I actually did focus a little too much on what the photos would look like at my wedding, to the point where I asked my husband's female friend who was a witness to wear certain colours to match the rest of the wedding party, who were all either bridesmaids or men with a tie in the same colour as the bridesmaids' dresses.

Well guess what? My photographer was having a really bad week because his best friend had just died and the photos were a bit shit. That one photo with all the witnesses that I was so focused on has my annoying aunt in the background wearing a fluorescent pink monstrosity and we never successfully managed to photoshop her out. The photographer didn't even get any decent photos of me and my husband, to the point where, a year later, we decided to hire another photographer to do some shots just of us and I paid hundreds of euros to get my hair and makeup done again and put the dress back on and we had some couple photos taken. And even after all that we still haven't got round to doing our album.

But also, guess what? It was still a fabulous wedding, we are happily married, I had a wonderful time with my bridesmaids, and nobody was required to be at my beck and call at 6am.

The bride who is paying for everyone to get their hair and makeup done at the crack of dawn isn't doing it because she's a kind hearted friend who is giving her bridesmaids a special treat. It's because she wants the photos to look a certain way. And whilst we all want to look lovely on our wedding days and for there to be beautiful photos, that can't be guaranteed. The bride herself might fall down the stairs and break her leg, or have an allergic reaction to something the day before the wedding. It might piss with rain all day. A guest might puke or spill red wine all over the wedding dress within minutes of arriving at the reception. The photographer might be in a car crash on the way to the wedding and not show up at all.

Trust me. The OP being on duty at 6am is not going to make or break this wedding, and any bride who had not lost her goddamn mind in the run up to her wedding would realise that her pregnant friend's health and comfort, and their friendship, are more important.

The wedding industry has a hell of a lot to answer for. The bride is not Kate Middleton (who apparently did her own wedding makeup anyway) or the new monarch being crowned. This event is not going to be televised and watched by billions of people around the globe. She is just a regular person, getting married, and nobody other than her very nearest and dearest actually cares that much about any of these details.

Is the moh doing the organising of the getting ready schedule or the bride ?
If it’s moh it might be better to speak to her just I imagine the bride is up to her eyeballs in organising and stress.

I don’t think you need to be there for breakfast tbh just make up and photos. So best to find out when your scheduled for and arrive 30 mins before as compromise.

I do think sometimes because it’s a wedding it is often seen as navel gazing or trivial because the organising is centred around women?

but organising a wedding is a lot of work and effort. Maybe if it was described as a big work project it wouldn’t descend into misogyny if we described everyone as stake holders and meeting KPIs

but usually one or two people are managing the schedule of an entire day while also being in the wedding. Trying to allow for lateness buffers, meeting everyone’s individuals needs. It doesn’t make you a bridezilla for voicing that making last minute changes is stressful.

of course she should accommodate her pregnant friend and I personally think 6am is nuts. But maybe she’s being over cautious or has perpetually late mates.

If it was a work project the OP would be getting paid to be there. And even then, if she felt it was too much for her she could speak to HR or get a doctor's note, without risking a major fall out with one of her closest friends.

I organised large scale professional events for years before my own wedding.

Part of the reason my events had such a great reputation and feedback was that when it comes to events, comfort is king. I applied that to every area of the wedding and every had a great day because I ensured that they would do so.

They were my guests, and I wanted them to be happy.

I have been a (non-pregnant) bridesmaid who had to put in a pretty hideous amount of effort for a wedding (husband and I spending the whole day between 9am-6pm running around doing things), and I was pretty pissed off that as supposedly one of the people who mattered the most, I actually spent a fractional amount of time enjoying it.

@surreygirl1987 lucky you then! For some women pregnancy is an illness. I had a slipped disk, pelvic girdle pain, hyperemisis, anaemia which all caused in no particular order, severe vomiting, fatigue and chronic pain (and other things too personal to list).

There is no way on gods green earth I could see have handled the wedding op has outlined.

You were very lucky that you had a straightforward pregnancy, many don’t. Mine was hell right up to the minute I was handed the baby, I could not have been more relieved it was over. (And I was a very athletic type before)

@Firstimepregnancy The @thecatsthecats has the right idea (also ex event planner myself)

I’d just cancel, you will end up feeling anxious leading up to the day and the day itself will be a grind. I had to replace a pregnant friend for an event later this month, and guess what, I was fine about it! I’d rather she was comfortable as a guest than overextend herself to participate. Any reasonable friend would feel the same.

I look at my wedding album every year on my anniversary and we have a photo of our wedding party on the alcove and a large print of all attendees in our hallway which I see every day so though it wouldn't ruin my day the image would be a daily reminder that someone i considered to be a best friend wouldn't do one thing (that I paid for) to support me on my wedding day.

The plus side is I'd now know the "friend" she was keep all future interactions pleasant but surface level as I would do with any acquaintance .

Ps - we didn't have a wedding of hundreds. We didn't allow extended family who've we not spoken to in years (but our parents still wanted to invite) attend. Everyone we had there were people who were special to mine and my husband's journey as a couple .