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Original poster

Pregnant Bridesmaid

200 replies

Firstimepregnancy · 18/06/2023 19:42

I’m due to be a bridesmaid at 20 weeks in a few weeks time.
ive struggled with my pregnancy with bad morning sickness, tiredness and pelvic girdle pain.
I expressed to the bride that I will struggle the morning of the wedding as I’m feeling sick in the morning and finding my mornings are slower and harder. Having to have a 6am start ready for wedding at 1pm will be a real struggle. I asked if I could arrive later in the morning ahead of her getting dress on and photos I’d get my hair and make up done of course before hand but allowing my to come later will give me a better chance to last longer in the day!
she said I was causing her stress and I have to be there at 6am she knows a pregnant lady who same date as me and she is ‘fine’ which made me feel as though she thinks I’m lying about my struggles.
am I being unreasonable for wanting to come a little later?! I will of course do what she wants but I feel she is being a little unreasonable considering I’m coming to wedding rehearsal and dinner night before and am still doing a lot of duties on the day!

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MargotBamborough · 19/06/2023 18:13

TrudyProud · 19/06/2023 17:43

@MargotBamborough I really don't think I am be. It's one day. If OP can't commit to what the bride wants OP should withdrawal.
End off.

What she shouldn't do is come to mn and complain presumably because she wants an excuse to make the bride look bad for wanting the day her and her groom want.

As an aside, I had 3 bridesmaids. We were round the corner from the venue and I hired 1MUA and 1hairstylist we still started around 7am. Not my (the brides) choice.
The ceremony time was booked my bridesmaids shared the hair and makeup they wanted done and the hairstylists and MUA then set the time.

Fact is being a bridesmaid can be a ball ache but you do it because you are a close friend to the bride. If you can't suck it up and Wale up to get your makeup done you are a bad friend. The OP hasn't mentioned HG or that she has a high risk pregnancy- she's being precious and seemingly forgets she had her day and chose to be a bridesmaid- she could have said no at any point instead of complaining weeks prior about the brides plans

This may come as a surprise to you, but the bride and groom will still be married, and no one else will remotely care, if the OP spends ten minutes doing her own makeup rather than getting up at the crack of dawn to have it done professionally.

The OP will have agreed to be a bridesmaid long before she got pregnant. It's not her fault if her current state of health means the bride's schedule is unnecessarily gruelling for her. Anyone who doesn't understand this and cut their pregnant bridesmaid a little slack has lost all sense of perspective.

TrudyProud · 19/06/2023 18:14

@Whataretheodds the entire post is "woe is me, how can I be expected to fulfil the requirements of bridesmaids at 20 weeks pregnant. Then moves to terrible is the bride for not changing the plans of the bridal party to accommodate me".

Opening doors to think pregnancy is a disease responding "how dare bride have plans for the wedding (that presumably has cost a fair bit of money) and not be willing to change them".

With the rest of us saying - OP doesn't have to be bridesmaid. She can back out. Equally the bride shouldn't have to add stress and possibly cost to the wedding day because a bridesmaid can't wake up and sit in a chair to get her makeup done

MargotBamborough · 19/06/2023 18:16

Oh and if a bride posted in AIBU to say her friend who was 4 months pregnant had pulled out of being a bridesmaid a few weeks before the wedding when the dresses were all bought and paid for, which is what you just suggested the OP do, I'm pretty sure most people would say the bridesmaid was being unreasonable and that they could easily have found a few workarounds to enable her to still be a bridesmaid, such as arriving at the venue a little layer for example.

Certainly if I were the bride I would much rather my bridesmaid asked to be let off some of the more tiring aspects of the arrangements than pulled out of being a bridesmaid altogether with weeks to go before the wedding.

buttercupboots · 19/06/2023 18:17

If the bride's stress levels can't withstand a bridesmaid arriving a little later on in the morning, how do you think she'll handle a bridesmaid pulling out? 😂

surreygirl1987 · 19/06/2023 18:41

It's not her fault if her current state of health means the bride's schedule is unnecessarily gruelling for her.

Oh my god. She's pregnant, not dying! And since when has a 6am start been 'gruelling'? She's not asking her to do Tough Mudder! If a one-off 6am start is seen as gruelling these days, I really despair.

surreygirl1987 · 19/06/2023 18:45

*My daughter's a nurse. She was up at 5:30 every working day of her pregnancy and then doing a 12 hour shift. And her first pregnancy was plagued with nerve pain and other issues.
Then she was a 28 week pregnant bride.

I think you're being a bit precious. Are you working throughout your pregnancy?*

Yes, I'm wondering this too. If a 6am start during pregnancy is freaking people out so much, how do pregnant women manage to work? Most women i know commuted to London for work while pregnant, and had very early starts every day as a matter of course. Or has there been a bizarre shift in mentality since working from home became a thing, which has led to this preciousness?

Maireas · 19/06/2023 18:48

I think it's less the 6am start, more that the early start isn't necessary for a 1pm wedding. Many of us got up that early to work through pregnancy and got up all hours to tend to babies and toddlers. That's the deal. A very early start for this wedding seems a bit much. Is it for pics and videos of getting ready in matching robes? Then she could just turn up at about 11am, no harm done.

stealthbanana · 19/06/2023 18:48

surreygirl1987 · 19/06/2023 18:45

*My daughter's a nurse. She was up at 5:30 every working day of her pregnancy and then doing a 12 hour shift. And her first pregnancy was plagued with nerve pain and other issues.
Then she was a 28 week pregnant bride.

I think you're being a bit precious. Are you working throughout your pregnancy?*

Yes, I'm wondering this too. If a 6am start during pregnancy is freaking people out so much, how do pregnant women manage to work? Most women i know commuted to London for work while pregnant, and had very early starts every day as a matter of course. Or has there been a bizarre shift in mentality since working from home became a thing, which has led to this preciousness?

Surely you can see there is a difference between getting up early to do a shift at work and getting up that early to go and slap a bit of foundation on and sit around for 7 hours for absolutely no reason? The latter is absolutely pointless and easily avoided. I would think a friend of mine had taken leave of their senses if they had suggested this as a bride.

Maireas · 19/06/2023 18:50

Cross post, @stealthbanana , but you're right. Book out a hairdressing salon for everyone to get their hair done simultaneously at 10.30, or whatever, put some makeup on get dressed, all good.

surreygirl1987 · 19/06/2023 18:51

Being pregnant with a 14 month old. I wish I only had to wake at 6am to get my makeup done 🤣

Haha same! The OP had better not have any more kids if she can't handle a one-off 6am start while pregnant - she'd get a shock! I don't think my toddler allowed me to sleep as late as 6am once while I was pregnant with my second! 🙈

surreygirl1987 · 19/06/2023 18:52

Surely you can see there is a difference between getting up early to do a shift at work and getting up that early to go and slap a bit of foundation on and sit around for 7 hours for absolutely no reason?

Well yes... the latter is infinitely less effort! 😄

surreygirl1987 · 19/06/2023 18:56

I think it's less the 6am start, more that the early start isn't necessary for a 1pm wedding. Many of us got up that early to work through pregnancy and got up all hours to tend to babies and toddlers. That's the deal. A very early start for this wedding seems a bit much. Is it for pics and videos of getting ready in matching robes? Then she could just turn up at about 11am, no harm done.

If that's acrually the case, then the pregnancy is irrelevant, and this is a simple gripe from a bridesmaid about what she considers OTT pre-wedding. However, the OP has made it clear it's about getting up early in pregnancy...

Maireas · 19/06/2023 18:58

It is about the OTT wedding I think. Maybe coupled with not being well in pregnancy.

stealthbanana · 19/06/2023 18:59

surreygirl1987 · 19/06/2023 18:56

I think it's less the 6am start, more that the early start isn't necessary for a 1pm wedding. Many of us got up that early to work through pregnancy and got up all hours to tend to babies and toddlers. That's the deal. A very early start for this wedding seems a bit much. Is it for pics and videos of getting ready in matching robes? Then she could just turn up at about 11am, no harm done.

If that's acrually the case, then the pregnancy is irrelevant, and this is a simple gripe from a bridesmaid about what she considers OTT pre-wedding. However, the OP has made it clear it's about getting up early in pregnancy...

Well yes, because many people are more tired in pregnancy and therefore less inclined to entertain requests to get up at antisocial times for discretionary reasons. This is also allowed, you know? And it is possible to hold down a busy job and want to rest when not working.

MovingBird123 · 19/06/2023 19:26

Wild. I was offered a hair appointment at 09:30 on day of my wedding and I had to turn it down because I wanted a lie in! Did my own hair instead. What on Earth do you all need to be there at 06:00 for? I would also be mortified to have one of my wedding party feeling uncomfortable because of me - that would cause much greater stress than having someone arrive late.

Practically though, weddings are stressful and expensive and it's difficult negotiating many different peoples' needs. She's got a lot on her plate. Are you able to treat yourself really well the day before with naps, and early night and plenty of relaxation so that you can manage the day? Take care of yourself...

surreygirl1987 · 19/06/2023 19:57

Are you able to treat yourself really well the day before with naps, and early night and plenty of relaxation so that you can manage the day? Take care of yourself...

🙈 It's as though she's climbing Everest...

honeybeeeee · 19/06/2023 20:07

Oo when I was pregnant I got up at 2am every morning to commute to the moon, ran a marathon every afternoon and simultaneously looked after 10 toddlers so surely you can get up at 6am to get dolled up and doss around for hours until the wedding 🤷🏻‍♀️
^
Pregnancy is hard. Even the most uncomplicated pregnancy can be challenging. If you're unwell or not up to it that's ok. If you can get there a little later and be ready on time then it's reasonable to do that. If the bride can't handle that then she's lost all sense of perspective.^

Luxell934 · 19/06/2023 21:31

I can't believe there are so many patronising comments about the OP being "precious". She said she has bad morning sickness and having to be somewhere at 6am probably isn't the best timing for her as thats likely when she is the most sick. Does the bride want the OP to be throwing up whilst she and the other bridesmaids enjoy a nice breakfast? Probably not. After the brides ridiculous comment though about knowing one other pregnant women who was "fine" it might be fun for you to turn up at 6am and accidentally thrown up on her OP.

thecatsthecats · 19/06/2023 21:51

fireflyloo · 18/06/2023 20:06

It's pretty normal in all the weddings I've been in that the wedding party are up early to be with the bride. Breakfast, 6 hairs/ make up and all the other things that need to be done. If you were my bridesmaid though I'd organise it that you were the last for hair/ makeup and allow you to join as late as possible.

Blimey, I had three bridesmaids and both mum's to get ready, and I was pretty narked that my bridesmaid came to disturb me at 8.

surreygirl1987 · 19/06/2023 23:48

I can't believe there are so many patronising comments about the OP being "precious".

But she kind of is... 🙈

toomuchlaundry · 20/06/2023 01:02

Why? I think the bride is being precious expecting bridesmaids needing to get ready at 6am.

Everyone is different in their pregnancy, I arranged with work I could use some holiday entitlement for a few weeks so I could go into work later in the morning, as I was so ill in the mornings in the early stages. A teacher friend had to be signed off work from quite early on in her pregnancies as she was so ill.

The most important thing about a wedding is actually getting married, not that your bridesmaid hair is perfect. And if the poor bridesmaid is going to be throwing up in the toilet during the day, the chances are her hair isn’t going to stay in place anyway

MargotBamborough · 20/06/2023 06:41

It's absolutely wild that some people seem to think it is the OP who is being precious for not wanting to get up at 6am on a non work day when she's pregnant and feeling rough and has a long and tiring day ahead of her, and not the bride for refusing to let the OP have her makeup done after the other bridesmaids so she can turn up a little later or - shock, horror! - do her own makeup. All for what? So that she can have an Instagram perfect wedding day? I really hope she has put as much thought into her choice of husband as she has into the hair and makeup arrangements.

Skinthin · 20/06/2023 06:58

MargotBamborough · 19/06/2023 18:13

This may come as a surprise to you, but the bride and groom will still be married, and no one else will remotely care, if the OP spends ten minutes doing her own makeup rather than getting up at the crack of dawn to have it done professionally.

The OP will have agreed to be a bridesmaid long before she got pregnant. It's not her fault if her current state of health means the bride's schedule is unnecessarily gruelling for her. Anyone who doesn't understand this and cut their pregnant bridesmaid a little slack has lost all sense of perspective.

Show quote history

It's not her fault if her current state of health means the bride's schedule is unnecessarily gruelling for her

this is what grates me so much. Being pregnant is a normal physiological state of being a woman. It is not an illness or health condition. Unless there is a medical issue, there is no reason why OP’s “current state of health” at 20 weeks pregnant should make the schedule particular gruelling for her. Getting up at 6am is arguably gruelling for anyone, but being 20 weeks pregnant really isn’t an excuse for special treatment.

toomuchlaundry · 20/06/2023 07:01

@Skinthin why do workplaces have to do risk assessments when you are pregnant?

MargotBamborough · 20/06/2023 07:12

Skinthin · 20/06/2023 06:58

It's not her fault if her current state of health means the bride's schedule is unnecessarily gruelling for her

this is what grates me so much. Being pregnant is a normal physiological state of being a woman. It is not an illness or health condition. Unless there is a medical issue, there is no reason why OP’s “current state of health” at 20 weeks pregnant should make the schedule particular gruelling for her. Getting up at 6am is arguably gruelling for anyone, but being 20 weeks pregnant really isn’t an excuse for special treatment.

Show quote history

All pregnancies are different! Some women genuinely do spend long periods of pregnancy feeling absolutely awful. Even if you didn't, well, good for you, but you should just be thankful that you were lucky and have a little more empathy for those who aren't so fortunate.