Pregnant Bridesmaid

[Firstimepregnancy]

I’m due to be a bridesmaid at 20 weeks in a few weeks time.
ive struggled with my pregnancy with bad morning sickness, tiredness and pelvic girdle pain.
I expressed to the bride that I will struggle the morning of the wedding as I’m feeling sick in the morning and finding my mornings are slower and harder. Having to have a 6am start ready for wedding at 1pm will be a real struggle. I asked if I could arrive later in the morning ahead of her getting dress on and photos I’d get my hair and make up done of course before hand but allowing my to come later will give me a better chance to last longer in the day!
she said I was causing her stress and I have to be there at 6am she knows a pregnant lady who same date as me and she is ‘fine’ which made me feel as though she thinks I’m lying about my struggles.
am I being unreasonable for wanting to come a little later?! I will of course do what she wants but I feel she is being a little unreasonable considering I’m coming to wedding rehearsal and dinner night before and am still doing a lot of duties on the day!

10 weeks is generally much worse than 20 weeks though...

That seems incredibly inefficient, and leads to a very long and tiring day. Hire more hairdressers? Get them to do their own hair and makeup? If you're done first that's many hours to kill.

I've never been a bridesmaid, and reading this, I'm glad. I just couldn't put up with all this bullshit of fannying around half the day with make up and hair.

I couldn't agree more, @HotPenguin . It seems like utter madness.
I suspect much of it is for filming and photography for social media.

She said she had bad morning sickness, PGP which can make it difficult to walk. Maybe you had an easy pregnancy?

"Bad morning sickness" is absolutely NOT the same as hyperemesis. I had bad morning sickness, and I would never dream of undermining how awful hyperemesis is by comparing it to that!

Yeh I had PGP too. You're right, it makes walking difficult when it's really bad. But I don't understand why that prevents someone from having a 6am start, which seems to be the OP's gripe...? Now if she was being expected to walk a couple of miles as well, I'd totally get it! But why does PGP make someone incapable of an early-ish start...?

And regarding your suggestion that I had an 'easy pregnancy'... nope, I wish - first pregnancy was terrible PGP and morning sickness (vomited everywhere, and as a schoolteacher it was pretty horrific), and second pregnancy was actually a pretty awful high-risk pregnancy. But I obviously still went to work and woke up at 6am every day... and it seems to be the early start that the OP is complaining about. I just don't see what is so awful about a 6am start as a one-off at 20 weeks pregnant, unless there is an actual medical reason why someone is unable to get up until 10am or whenever OP would prefer to lie-in until!

Also, if waking up at 6am is so impossible for a pregnant woman... the OP will get a shock if she decides to have a second child within a couple of years of her first!

@surreygirl1987 I had easy pregnancies but in the first trimester I was bone tired. I went to a wedding (as a guest, not a bridesmaid) at 10 weeks pregnant and it didn't start until about 3pm, and by 10pm I was asleep in the car. I could barely eat anything either as none of it was suitable for pregnant women so I pretty much starved. If I'd had to get up at 6am to have my makeup done I'd have keeled over at the table and fallen asleep with my face in the starter by the time dinner was served.

You'll be fine by then. You are pregnant not Ill. Battle through it of you don't feel great but honestly you'll be fine in a few weeks

@surreygirl1987I had easy pregnancies but in the first trimester I was bone tired.

Yes me too... the first trimester can be knackering of course... but isn't she going to be 20 weeks when the wedding happens?!

I could barely eat anything either as none of it was suitable for pregnant women so I pretty much starved.

Oh god... what on earth have i just read?! What was on the menu, just swordfish, shark and brie?!

I don’t think we should be telling pregnant women how they should feel.

Some women have a hard time of it, some don’t.

Some women have a hard time of it but are able to push through it and broadly carry on as usual, others may still feel quite delicate or anxious even in a straightforward pregnancy.

What was on the menu, just swordfish, shark and brie?!

😂😂😂

Exactly - what a daft comment, nothing was suitable for a pregnant woman ... that's just impossible. Maybe she meant it was food that made her feel ill or that she had an aversion to, which I understand.

Incidentally regarding OP, I don't think your friend is being a Bridezilla. Early pregnancy is hard but by 20 weeks generally you'll be doing better. You are being a bit precious about it all - I do agree there seems to be a lot of faff about hair & makeup but getting up at 6 is really not the massive challenge she makes out.

The wedding was in France. The starters were canapés which all had either undercooked meat, raw fish, unpasteurised cheese or foie gras on them. The main course was chicken which thankfully I could eat. Then there was cheese - all soft and unpasteurised (I asked the caterers). Dessert was chocolate mousse. So I really was limited to the chicken main course and a few macarons.

It's generally hard being pregnant in France because so much French food is on the banned list for pregnant women. This is even more true around the holidays, but at least when it's Christmas Dinner at your mother in law's house you can ask her to adapt the menu or make yoh something else. Even at work dinners a couple of times I found myself looking at a menu and there only being a couple of things on it which I was allowed to eat. If you're choosing which restaurant to go to you're better off choosing some kind of foreign cuisine which doesn't rely quite so heavily on raw/undercooked meat and dairy products, or at least somewhere that does steak or burgers where you can ask for the meat to be well done. But at a wedding you have zero control, you get what you're given, and what you're given is frequently unsuitable for pregnant women. And you're usually trapped at a venue in the countryside, miles from the nearest boulangerie or corner shop, until 4am when the damn thing is over.

Not impossible at all, as I have just explained.

I’m torn - I got married last year and one of my bridesmaids was late in the morning (not planned), and it was very stressful. Surely you could have your hair and make up done last so you only have to get there at 9 or 10? It’s a shame if you get it done elsewhere as I loved the morning with my bridesmaids, so I can see where she’s coming from.

So what? Some women are knackered throughout their pregnancies. One of my friends didn't have HG but she did suffer from nausea and vomiting for the full 9 months. Another one of my friends flew to another continent at 7 months pregnant for her best friend's wedding, suffering from such bad SPD that she was on crutches. All pregnancies are different and I think it's awful to tell any pregnant woman that she should be feeling OK by a certain point in her pregnancy just because you were feeling fine. Good for you. Not everyone is so lucky. Some women sail through pregnancy and others have a horrendous time.

Oh and that was my first full term pregnancy. (I'd had recurrent miscarriages before that which meant I was very uncomfortable with ignoring the safe food guidance, especially in the first trimester. 10 weeks was the most pregnant I'd ever been at that point and I didn't want to fuck it up by catching listeria or toxoplasmosis at a bloody wedding.)

The second time round I actually had gestational diabetes as well, which meant I wouldn't have been able to eat the bread or the macarons either.

So what? Some women are knackered throughout their pregnancies.

Sure, but what makes the OP think that she's going to be one of those unlucky women? And even if you're tired, getting up at 6am as a one-off isn't really a big deal... if it was, how would the majority of pregnant women manage to hold down jobs during pregnancy?

That's fair enough @MargotBamborough and does sound like a challenging menu!

Regarding women's different experiences of pregnancy, I get that entirely. However, what the bride is asking isn't unreasonable. The wedding is at 1. I think being there at 6 & getting ready is about right.

I don't think 6 is a horrendously early start either - most women who are working will be up not much later than that.

OP should plan for rests / breaks later in the day eg between ceremony & meal.

So I really was limited to the chicken main course and a few macarons.

So you had a main course and a dessert? Doesn't really sound like you 'starved'... this is what I mean about some pregnant women being really precious.

It's generally hard being pregnant in France because so much French food is on the banned list for pregnant women.

Also, as far as I'm aware, the OP's wedding isn't in France?

I don't think 6 is a horrendously early start either - most women who are working will be up not much later than that.

Yes, exactly...

I think you’re both being a bit over the top. If you’re feeling a bit sick not that’s not really an indication of how you will feel at 20 weeks so it’s a bit pointless to rule it out now. Most pregnant women wake at 6am and do a full day either due to work or other children.
Equally she could just say ‘fine you come at 9/10” and can have your makeup done before her, but it’s probably stressing her out that the wedding is still weeks away and you’re already coming to her with problems.

I'm afraid I do think the bride is being unreasonable and should be more flexible towards her pregnant bridesmaid. Even if there is only one person doing hair and makeup and the bride needs to be done last, the bride could be done at 10am meaning the OP could be done at 8:30 or 9am. The OP could be done after all the other bridesmaids and before the bride. She could do her own makeup and just have her hair done. There are various ways round this which would allow a pregnant woman to not have to be up at 6am.

For what it's worth (and bearing in mind that I got married in France so my wedding didn't start until 4pm, I only had two bridesmaids, and we all went out to a normal salon in the morning and had our hair and makeup done so we were all done at the same time by different stylists), I can't imagine either wanting to get up at 6am or requiring anybody else to get up at 6am on my wedding day. The day is supposed to be fun and that seems to me to be a recipe for everyone being too knackered to enjoy themselves. Obviously the early start appears to be necessary here given the timings of everything and possibly the number of bridesmaids (?) but the bride should recognise that she is asking a lot of a pregnant woman and be more accommodating.

That said, I think brides who haven't already had a baby often don't realise the practical difficulties their wedding arrangements can cause for pregnant women. The food thing is a case in point. After the wedding where I was barely able to eat anything, I asked a friend who had been pregnant at my wedding whether it had been the same for her and she admitted that the menu had been a little challenging.

Haahaa, exactly this! The one thing having a child teaches you is pregnancy is the easiest part!

Being pregnant with a 14 month old. I wish I only had to wake at 6am to get my makeup done 🤣