very dodgy subject....my friend is picking sex of baby, in the worst way imaginable

[jiggerypop]

A very close friend of mine is preparing to get pregnant for the forth time, she has 3 gorgeous girls and is desperate for a boy, she wanted a boy each time and although she has always wanted 4 kids she intends to find out with an early gender test (2 different types to be as sure as she can be) then a cvs to confirm it, she says she will abort if it is not a boy.
she is a very lovely woman, she is a great mum to her girls but she is so depressed at the thought of never having a son.
I am so sad about her plan, it is heartbreaking because I know she will do it and she will have to live with the guilt if she goes ahead with it. she will do it all privately, I have tried to encourage her to go to look into sex selection abroad but she says she doesn't have the money....

I won't dump her as a friend, I just can't believe what she is about to do

Gender selection abroad is not an easier option (if you aren't against abortion) because you have to have all those INF hormones, travel abroad, involve your husband and if you're trying to have a sneaky 4th child without the husband may be being quite on board with the idea as is probably the case here then that's not so easily an option for her.

Jiggerypop, you sound like a good friend.

I'm with the other people on this thread who say that this woman needs help, not vilification.

From MN threads previously, I think it's quite common to wish for a boy or girl, but this is extreme. What is wrong in her life that she'll be "emotionally scarred" forever if she doesn't have a son?

That's a hugely risky and damaging way to feel, and it won't just be "cured" by having a boy.

What if she goes through with all of this, and eventually gets her boy - and then he doesn't turn out to be the dream child she always wanted? What if he has severe health problems/SN/difficult behaviour - all those things which can happen to any one of us with any child? What if he's a "girly" little boy - would she love him just the same?

This is a huge burden of expectation to place on a little boy's shoulders, even if he never finds out exactly what his mother was prepared to do to get him.

If someone confided this to me, I'd push them very strongly to have counselling to work out why they need a boy this much. Because even if she doesn't change her mind about her course of action, when or if she has a boy, she'll need to love him for himself, otherwise she's risking doing him terrible emotional harm.

oh god reel yourselves in. honestly.

You agree with it Soph? A form of birth control that could mean the death of a girl at 20 weeks?

OP, Can you not suggest that a more moral thing to do would be to convince husband for a fourth child and when he agrees go abroad for some kind of treatment.

Sperm sorting isn't as expensive as IVF, I thought around £400 or so, That might be a more viable way of achieving a specfic gender....still terrible sad situation all around especially for the 3rd daughter.

"Oh God reel yourselves in" a bit of an OTT statement, IMO

This is about morals and ethics, not fruitshoots and sausage rolls

I completely agree that you should get counselling for your friend. STRONGLY suggest this to her with all your heart as her loving friend.

I think Welliemum and Lollipopmother both have said what I would be thinking.
Life long friends are not something to give up, and I really feel sad about the thought of someone aborting a healthy little baby because its the wrong sex.

The little girls in your friends life already must and will be affected by this, and a little boy with so much on his shoulders is even more worrying. By your friends logic she is looking for the perfect baby and well.. what if he isnt the perfect little boy she wants?

Also, I know its not your responsibility to tell her DH but he must already know something of her plans. He couldnt possilibly be totally in the dark to how much she wants a boy or about the lengths she 'might' go to. Perhaps finding time to talk to him could be a good idea.

She is your friend. It is her decision. No one can stop her. But I hope she gets the help she needs headwise. For her kids sake

Good luck with this. I'll send my good vibes your way.

xxx

thankyou for your support, it means an awful lot to me. I will definately look into the sperm sorting thing for her, I can't go there with her dp, that is not my place,
I will stress that she has said that she won't abort after 12 weeks, not that it makes it any better a reason, she intends to have a cvs at 11 weeks for a definate answer.

Why is this woman's reason for choosing an abortion worse than other reasons? Eg: having an abortion because you just don't want any more children, or because it's just 'inconvenient'. Having an abortion for those reasons would still be killing a healthy baby - and yet society seems to accept them as valid excuses.

Am not rabid pro-lifer by the way - just think it's got a bit too easy to have an abortion no questions asked.

It is different as in this case this woman is planning to get pregnant and then abort i.e. She is creating a life delibrately to kill it, if it is the wrong gender.

Where as presumably other mothers who have abortions have found themselves pregnant accidently and are dealing with their situation as they see fit for whatever reason.

I am pro-choice but to delibrately set out to create this kind of situation, is heartless.

agree with BE.......creating a life with the intent and foreknowledge you will end it if it is not the 'right' gender is different

But don't the results of a cvs take longer than a week to come through?? That's cutting it a bit fine isn't it?

Sperm sorting is not cheap btw. It is if you use the Ericcson method but that is notoriously unreliable. Microsort is around 90% effective but is only available in the US and I think can work out around 15,000 depending on how many "tries" it takes. I am expecting my 4th boy and can understand the sense of desperation as I've always wanted a little girl but really, this is taking things too far.

Exactly, BE - I am also Pro-choice, if a woman finds herself accidentally pregnant, after taking all reasonable precautions and also finds herself unable to deal with the situation.

But, I am not Pro-Control......... YOu cannot CHOOSE to become pregnant and then change your mind if you don't get the baby you wanted.....

your friend does not seem to me, to be of sound mind.

It worries me how lots of people are saying she must be ill to be thinking of doing this. Isn't it just more that the thought of a perfectly well and sane person choosing to terminate a child for being the wrong sex for her, is too awful to contemplate?

I agree nab, she is of sound mind, but she plans to do something that a lot of people can't even bare to think about, but I don't think she will be the first or last person to do such a thing. I will try to keep you updated on this, I will speak to her maybe tonight about it if I get the chance.

I have been googling to see if there is anything useful online. Though I don't personally believe in choosing genders of unborn babies, in your friends case anything which increase a boy child must be better than the alternative.

Anyhow found a forum dedicated to family trying to have a particular gender baby

Home Methods for TTC a Boy

High Tech Methods for TTC a Boy in England

Might be a load of cack, but maybe worth a try. It might be a good idea if she chats on the forum to the other families, they should understand her more than we do.

HTH

Here is the clinic that does high tech gender selection in England, treatment abroad for legal reasons

NAB - I see this a bit like I see suicide bombers - yes they are of sound mind, but their mind has been twisted and addled so that what they think is a logical and good thing to do is actually nothing of the sort. It doesn't make them any less in need of help, if she had a professional work with her to sort out the feelings she has that would make her do such a thing then maybe this tragedy could be averted. Dumping her as a friend will do nothing other than making her have one less friend.

Did you get to speak to her?

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