very dodgy subject....my friend is picking sex of baby, in the worst way imaginable

[jiggerypop]

A very close friend of mine is preparing to get pregnant for the forth time, she has 3 gorgeous girls and is desperate for a boy, she wanted a boy each time and although she has always wanted 4 kids she intends to find out with an early gender test (2 different types to be as sure as she can be) then a cvs to confirm it, she says she will abort if it is not a boy.
she is a very lovely woman, she is a great mum to her girls but she is so depressed at the thought of never having a son.
I am so sad about her plan, it is heartbreaking because I know she will do it and she will have to live with the guilt if she goes ahead with it. she will do it all privately, I have tried to encourage her to go to look into sex selection abroad but she says she doesn't have the money....

I won't dump her as a friend, I just can't believe what she is about to do

Yes, I agree that it's the ending of a life, and that should not be taken lightly.....

BUT, I found out I was pregnant at 20weeks... (Long story, different thread altogether) and TBH, I was absolutely shocked at the ease with which I could have gotten an abortion should I have wanted one.

I clearly remember leaving the hospital, rubbing my tummy, telling my baby that he wasn't going anywhere. I actually felt it was a personal affront to my baby to consider an abortion... I don't think I'd have felt that at, say, 6 weeks... Of course, I don't know.... I just don't think I would.

allgonebellyup - words fail me. You are just a large lump of cells.

Jiggerypop- are you still around? What, if anything, have you decided to do/say?

I really really wanted a boy 1st time round and got one. So I'm hoping that really wanting a girl will make my next a girl.

I can get ""truly" upset over a lump of cells as I have 3 children, have lost 2 and I have feelings and thoughts that maybe you don't. It isn't a baked bean. A baked bean is something you eat on toast.

I have a scan photo of my first child when he did look like a cashew nut at just over 8 weeks and that picture was so precious to me having had a midwife tell me I was losing him.

I think I might print out this thread and give it to her.
To answer a few questions, she plans on having two early gender tests, done at 7/8 weeks pregnant, she will pay for these, I have told her that they have been proven not to be 100% but she will have 2 or even 3 indipendent tests, each at about £150.
If the test says boy then she will go on to the cvs (again privately) and make absolutely sure this will be at 11 weeks pregnant, and if she doesn't get the answer she wants... well, I can hardly write it.
If the early tests come back as another girl then she intends to take the abortion pill (up to 9 weeks pregnant) and start again.
she has it all worked out. she has told me things before that she has kept from her dp, that is another issue I guess. but I don't feel that I can dump her as my friend, or that I want to even, she is a very mixed up girl and I'm not sure how much of her suffering is due to her constant longing for a son. dispite all this she is a very close friend, and the kind of friend that you only get one of in your life -(discounting her intentions, that is) so it is an extremely hard one for me as her friend.
she won't adopt as dp would never want to.
I was a bit surprised at how many replies this thread has got, but it has made me realise that I wasn't wrong in feeling so so heartboken about her plans.

sophable's point is a good one though. where do you draw the line about why you don't want the baby you are carrying?
I personally am pretty sure I couldn't ever contemplate a termination.
My ds1 was born 2 months after I turned 15 - many people would not have kept him.

This woman seems truly despicable though

I class myself as very mixed up but this is something that I just would not do.

she is white and british, I don't know why she is so desperate, she only had sisters, who she hated as a child and doesn't get on with now. she hadn't done the shettles metheod but pans to do so when she ttc.

Women are not required to give in-depth reasons for wanting an abortion anyway. If they don't want to continue a pregnancy they are legally able to terminate the pregnancy for reasons other than medical -up until 24 weeks.

I still find it quite hard to understand. I can understand why she would want a boy but I just wouldn't try for another. I was scared I would be disappointed when pg with ds that he would be a girl now looking back I feel very very stupid.
Once you consider all the people that can not have kids.
My mum's friend has just adopted a little girl after trying for a baby for 15 years.

If you can please talk her out of this. Its just not fair.

very wrong

when we have talked about it she says she hates the thought of it but feels that it wouldn't be as hard to live with as not having a son. she is a wonderful loving mother to her girls, there is no doubt about that. but I know that it will be hard for some of you to believe, given what you know about her. she also has people comenting constantly about her 'trying for a boy' etc as I do the other way round as I only have boys! but I have been with her when she has had these comments and it makes her weep. maybe she would be better going for sex selection abroad although she can't afford to, maybe it is better to borow the money get in debt than to live with the guilt?

Fucking outrageous, quite frankly

Couldn't support it, close friend or not

I don't want to support it though, I just can't ditch her.

What is gender selection abroad?
Surely if she can pay for private scans surely she can save up for going abroad

Sorry, Jiggerypop

That was a hasty post and I've only read OP

I just genuinely feel that I couldn't remain in a close, intimate friendship (am assuming it's intimate for her to divulge this stuff to you) with someone who could consider going through with this plan.

For me, it's one thing having strong, conflicting feelings about a very emotive subject. I don't think I'd 'ditch' a mate for feeling like the way your friend does... but to seriously consider acting on her feelings to me is just terrible

I think it is something like £15000 for sex selection abroad, I might be wrong? so a lot more than private scans etc here.

I will probably feel different if she does go through with it notnow

Did anyone see a programme recently linked to this news item news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7123753.stm about the 1500 missing no of male children in certain ethnic groups in this country, linked with a 1000s of missing babies? Women had receieved antenatal care but never delivered a baby. It is suggested that women at 18-20 weeks fly aboad.

Sorry - should say missing girls, not boys.

The thing is, and I am NOT condoning it, that for many Indian families, there is a huge financial and emotional pressure on a mother to deliver a boy - from family friends etc,. I am NOT saying it's right, but I can at least appreciate the pressure that a mother might feel if she finds out she is carrying, say, her 4th daughter.

But, this woman has none of these pressures. A DP who loves her, a wonderful family, no obvious financial worries (she could happily support a boy).

This is for her own personal preference, which in my mind at least, makes it even more hideous a notion.

Oh goodness me. Disposing of the baby if it's not in the version she wants. This woman cannot be quite well. A well person would not do this, surely?

I don't like the idea of being culturally sensitive with this topic.

It's WRONG no matter what the circumstances.

I agree notnowbernard