Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

[Pippin18]

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

Just to add he has said he doesn’t know what he’s going to be like when I start to show. He’s not coming anywhere near me now.

he came home and said he was sorry and that he was going to try. We laughed for a while and joked - just like old times (two weeks ago!!)
then tonight that’s all changed again!
I feel distraught!!

Just kick him out, how bloody dare he treat you like that. It's your body and your choice. What an awful man. We are all here for you OP, you do what you want, do not let him bully or manipulate you, he sounds awful.

unless he has already booked a vasectomy, he is being a massive hypocrite who isn’t really serious about not having another child.

Have you explained to him that actually if you abort you can never look at him again, so can he please do some thinking about how a separated family works while you think about if it’s a separated 2 child family or a seperated 3 child family? That’s the reality- if he can’t accept the baby, you also can’t ever really get over his insistence on aborting and there is no middle ground here. Tonight tell him calmly you see no way forward as a couple, given his attitude these are the two options, and could he suggest some living and contact plans please.

Wow! It takes two to make a baby and his attitude is horrible - he isn’t your best friend he’s your worst enemy.

You need to stop feeling like this is your fault - he also has choices like mo sex, the snip or condoms.

If fact why hasn’t he had the snip of he’s so adamant?

Step 1 take control of the situation and stop being his victim.

If he doesn’t want the baby he can move out because you will not feel like the problem in your own home!! You don’t need that negativity - and then tell everyone why he’s gone!

Disgraceful. .

That is absolutely horrible of him to treat you like that. He has no right to try to force you to have an abortion. That is exactly what he is trying to do by threatening to have nothing to do with the baby and refusing to support you.

If he is a decent person he would not do this to you, he would not do this to the baby and he wouldn’t hurt his children by putting them in that kind of situation where dad loves us but not our baby brother/sister.

Just because he is your best friend and has been a good partner and parent in other respects does not trivialise what he is doing now.

No decent human being would behave the way your husband is behaving now.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

He’s really not acting like your best friend.

I would point out to him that if he felt this strongly about no more kids why didn’t he have a vasectomy?

I thing the main thing here is you sort out how you feel. Hopefully he’s only acting like a twat because he’s in shock and will get over it to a degree. If you think realistically it is going to out a huge strain on your marriage then I think you need to weigh continuing the pregnancy against the impact it may have on your kids and your family.

If you do decide you want to carry on then you need to be clear with him that this was a mistake but what’s done is done and he needs to pull himself together and handle it. If he’s generally a decent guy he probably will. He also needs to go for the snip.

How did you get pregnant if he had a vasectomy and you had a coil?

Oh, hang on, he didn't have a vasectomy?

And he didn't wear a condom?

So this baby that he did absolutely nothing to prevent creating; he's blaming YOU for? You, the one person who did actively try to prevent the creation?

He should be angry at himself but instead he's upsetting a pregnant woman.

Start finding your inner anger. HE got you pregnant.

HE had sex with you without using any contraceptive; how fucking dare he then blame you for ruining HIS life, because his unprotected sex led to a baby.

This man is an arsehole.

I'd tell him that he needs to go and speak to someone about it professionally because it's unacceptable for him to be venting all of that on you. Sure he might have fears and concerns about having a third child but he's taking it to the extreme and ultimately its your body and your choice- he has no right to bully you into a termination if that's not what you think is right for you. Could you sit down together calmly, maybe with a counsellor or mediator to keep things on track and talk through what his actual concerns are. It seems like a bit of an over reaction if his only concern is enjoying his freedom so I'd want to get more info on where this reaction is coming from. If he keeps up then I'd be inclined to send him off for a few days to his mum's house or something until he's ready to address this with you as a team. Because as pps have said if he can't get on board that this is something he's jointly responsible for and has to step up with you to manage then he's creating a massive rift in your relationship. If you have an abortion without feeling its the right decision for you then you'd resent him for it.

It's understandable that he's struggling to get his head around it and is freaked out but you're also processing this so it's not acceptable for him to be taking it out on you the way he is.

he’s my best friend.

He's really not.

He sounds awful and very much ME ME ME, Fuck him. Sorry you have landed in such a nightmare.

Sounds like he maybe got his head turned. Even if not, and COL worries have got to him he should talk about it like an adult.

Your husband is being hugely unreasonable. He cannot coerce you into a termination.

but… a pregnancy with with an iud in place is risky. Has it been removed yet?

*he’s my best friend.

He's really not.

He sounds awful and very much ME ME ME, Fuck him. Sorry you have landed in such a nightmare.*

This. Kick him out. He is disgusting.

Absolutely this

Is that what you took from the OP? I took that a husband with two existing kids is panicking at the thought of a third during a cost of living crisis.

Hi OP, more or less the same thing happened to me. Husband came round halfway through the pregnancy to the extent of no longer threatening suicide and saying he'd tolerate the baby.

Then he liked him from the moment he was born. But I stayed at the time mostly because I didn't want the two older ones to see little sibling as the cause of our breakup. Our relationship has never really recovered. I'm really sorry OP, it's shit.

My husband was talked round by a pregnancy bereavement counsellor from an organisation called petals if memory serves. Great woman. Do get professional help , but the right one - the first counsellor we saw seemed to think husband was entitled to call the shots....

His reaction to the situation is terrible!! Of course he might be shocked and not wanting another child as it is a huge decision for you both. Unfortunately he doesn't have a final say once you are pregnant it is your choice. If he categorically didn't want another he should of got the snip. Simple.
I think you may need to prepare to do this alone as a single mum, he may feel different once you give birth, or he may be serious about not wanting another.

I hope you both come to a resolution whatever you decide is best x

If you consider him to be your best friend then I think your standards are too low. He isn't behaving like a friend at all.

I'd have to reconsider the relationship and would give him an ultimatum - to sort his shit out pronto, to grow the fuck up (also pronto) or to get out!

If he so desperately didn’t want another child he should have done something about it, so doubling up on contraception

I took that a husband with two existing kids is panicking at the thought of a third during a cost of living crisis.

@Honeychickpea That's what I said. But communication is the key.

Anyway, I think he wants to check out of family life. Just my 2 cents.

I've been a solo mum for over 30 years. So much better than a man-child father not pulling their weight.

Totally bizarre if he was so adamant that a 3rd child would affect him like this that he didn't have a vasectomy!!! Did he have any reasons?! You should be telling him that he's lucky you are on board with supporting and loving another child who is BOTH of yours that YOU have to carry for 9 months and put up with all that entails. You sorted the birth control from your end while he's cumming without a care in the world.

If you haven't already, you should be honest with him and say, I need to share with you, how you are reacting is affecting me and what it feels like to be on the other end of it and ask him afterwards how that makes him feel? That'll give you the measure of the man if he isn't immediately apologetic and says that he'll try harder from now on as it's not an optional future for you both, it's the actual reality. The quicker he grasps that, the better for everyone.

What a dick. I take it he was also making sure he took responsibility having protected sex if he feels so strongly about not having another child? I'd kick him out, there'd be no coming back from saying those things to me. I have 3, my eldest 2 have the same age gap as yours and are very similar ages, we had our 3rd (planned) when the middle child was 3.5. I love having 3, the older 2 are brilliant with the youngest. I'm sure you will make this work even without your sorry excuse for a husband.

First of I’d be telling him to not fucking speak to me like that, and telling him exactly how he’s made you feel. It’s out of order. Tell him you can’t sleep because he’s been so harsh. And I’d say I can’t believe the father of my two kids and my husband is coercing and threatening me like this. Threatening that if you don’t abort he won’t stick around. Wow. I would also say does he have any idea how you feel? Has he even thought about it? I mean it was a mistake on both your parts and YOU’RE stuck with all the pain and consequences - both ways. If you keep it, you lose him. If you abort, he’s put you in this situation for his own selfish needs and you might end up regretting it.

Im really sorry you’re going through this. I’d be so hurt and so angry. The only way it’s forgiveable is if it was an emotional gut reaction and he massively apologises, sticks to the apology and tries to make amends. Otherwise I’d be telling him you need a break and for him to leave till he’s decided whether he wants to be a part of the family home again or not.

I think you should both seek counselling. Going against the grain here, but if you have a good relationship then maybe you can work it out and at the very least see each other's point of views. Its also fair that he doesn't want a baby, and also fair that you do. All the best.

It's reasonable for your husband to not be delighted about this, given that you were on contraception (how many of us actually double up on contraception? Not many I suspect) and it was completely unplanned. He needs to understand that he can't force you or blackmail you into having an abortion though. I agree with a pp that you might benefit from counselling to talk this through.

Whatever his “views” or the cost of living crisis his threats are horribly abusive and manipulative. Everything he says is so ugly. This is anger and spite talking—not grief or anxiety. His threats are not made in sorrow but in anger. Snd he has transformed everything in the family into a weapon including his own children and his paternal love.