Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

[Pippin18]

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

The midwife gave me a form to fill in for counselling which I will do today.

the issue is although, usually, I’m quite strong I am a people pleaser and that’s exactly what I’m doing now - trying to please and appease everyone, usually at the cost of myself. I’ve lost nearly a stone in 2 weeks, I’m not sleeping. I just feel like a shadow atm. I’ve told him if he really cared about me he’d see what this is doing to me.

I just never thought he would act this way and say all these nasty things. I need to get back into the mind set I had and realise that I’m not ruining our marriage or his life, he is!
I know I’ll never forgive him for what he’s said even though he thinks if I had an abortion/MC it would only take 6 months for me to get over it and for him to fix what he’s said, but I’ve inflicted something on him for life!!

to be honest writing this I’m just thinking, arsehole!

I had counselling through BPAS and they said to me, you must pick the option you can cope with. I couldn’t abort a healthy baby at 12 weeks - no offence against people that do, just I personally couldn’t!

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. Your partner’s behaviour is beyond awful and childish. You can’t be involved in conceiving a baby and then tap out and blame the other person for ruining your life. You also can’t pick and choose which of your children you are going to parent. You have done nothing wrong and he is being extremely self-centred and petulant.
How you navigate this I’m not sure, but I hope you figure it out. Please try not to let his words sink in in the meantime. You have done nothing wrong.

Are you able to voice yourself to him like we are all suggesting or are you not able to talk to him like you want to . I'm wondering if you are okay x

It's a personal choice OP. I couldn't have a termination but equally support women who do choose to have one and believe that it should be a choice, not coerced which it would be in your situation.

OP I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I'm of the opinion that your marriage is over. He is not your best friend - if he was he would never treat you (and his child) this way. I personally could not move past this. It's of love to you. I'm glad you have other supportive people in your life. You're going to need them

This is called 'reproductive abuse'. I think relationships can recover from a great deal, but there's no coming back from this.

www.mycwa.org.uk/reproductive-abuse#:~:text=If%20you've%20ever%20been,you've%20experienced%20reproductive%20abuse.

Please try not to let his words sink in in the meantime. You have done nothing wrong.

that’s exactly what I’m struggling with at the minute! He’s making me second guess myself, saying I’m going to rock the boat for the kids ect!
what if the baby is disabled. What if the baby has something wrong with it. It’s your choice I hope it’s right for you.

Wish the snip was more popular, readily available and no hoops to jump through.

Sick of women copping for all the contraception, none of which is 100% effective. He’s learned a lesson here and he doesn’t like it.

He's a cunt.

Leave.

Yes I am and have been. Not that it makes any difference.

I just get the same answers - it was planned, I didn’t want it and don’t want it. I resent it already!

Honestly what a fragile emotional mentally damaged person you could turn out to be if you listened to him . Keep strong you really need to keep your heart and mind and health is your number one priority right now . Not the relationship. Your health. U
You've lost all that weight. Imagine if you lost the baby you'd be devastated and you'd never be able to just be back to normal life like he thinks . He knows he's making you ill . I'm so worried for you . Im 8 months pregnant now and nothing or no one will get to harm my baby and if they were damaging my mental state they'd have to go away . Your health is number one priority xx

What a horrible man. You'd be better off without him

Do your friends and family know about the baby yet? Have you got some support?

@Pippin18 Hi OP. Years and years ago way before I met DH I did have an abortion at 12 weeks. I was incredibly young and very in love with my partner who was much older. He told me we'd break up if I didn't as people would judge him, our relationship carried on but I never ever forgave him and couldn't see past that. We split up.

A few years ago, with my DH I got pregnant very very unplanned and he reacted exactly the same as yours, saying the same thing, ruined life, wouldn't be bothered etc. we talked about abortion but I knew I would never be able to do it. He said he'd ensure DS had what he needed but wouldn't love him or be bothered etc. They are now thick as thieves! DH is wonderful with DS, he's a great teacher and couldn't be further from everything we had said while pregnant.

Looking back I honestly believe it was massive shock(we were told we couldn't have children) but also depression.
I'm not saying you will have this outcome but it happened to me.

I have never forgot the hurtful and heartbreaking things he said, but we have moved on. I love him, and we are human. This was not a good point for him but actions speak louder.

Good luck 🤞

This sounds incredibly tough.

I don’t think that it’s the whole solution by any means but in your position one thing which I would do is refuse to sleep with him again until he has a vasectomy. It’s awful at the moment, and will be even more awful if you get pregnant with a 4th in the future. You’re taking responsibility for your side of the contraception although it’s failed, but he isn’t taking responsibility for his side.

I also think that you could both do with a bit of a break from each other to let the situation calm down. Do you have anyone that you could go and stay with for a week? Leave the kids with him to sort so that he has a flavour of what it would be like without you there. Then give him a week away too.

It may be that his behaviour has ruined the relationship anyway - you can’t unhear the things he has said. But having some space from each other and the chance for him to realise what it would be like it you left might reset things enough for you to move forward.

That's a good idea to get away for a bit .

op, have you thought about if you split up and you have the baby, what that will look like? how will that child feel if dad is taking the older two for contact, giving birthday and Xmas presents but completely ignores child 3? I don’t mean to make you feel worse but that’s something to perhaps consider

He's a dick. You will always resent him if you have an abortion you don't want.

What I really don't understand is why you have told your children. Especially him giving you permission to tell them whilst telling you to have an abortion. Why on earth would your children need to know about this? Surely only after you have decided to keep the baby and have decided if you will be together or separate do the need to know.

He has made it all about him, about getting his life back, what he wants, his mental health, what he will and won't do fo the baby. Meanwhile your mental health will suffer if he coerces you into terminating. He can't choose for you, he has an opinion but your decision is final. He will also be financially responsible for the baby, whether he likes it or not.

Jesus whether you have the baby or not his behaviour and remarks are absolutely unforgivable and abusive. He is not a good dad, he’s a selfish shit. Do you have any other family around?? Please talk to them and tell someone how he has treated you. If hes not prepared to parent a child at all he shouldn’t have had sex should he. He’s behaving as if you are two 17 year olds dating. He is married to you fgs!! Please be kind to yourself and talk to your family or friends about his behaviour. Don’t let him bully you. Wishing you the best of luck xxx

If you feel you can't get your thoughts over to through discussion - set everything down in a letter. Get a good friend to check this. You could enclose the letter within a nice card.
We had an unexpected pregnancy after we thought our family was complete. I was devastated. We went ahead - best decision of our lives. With 3 children our family life was easier - better relationships between the children, fewer arguments. Sending love and positive thoughts.

This is a terrible way to speak to you and threaten your unborn child with being ostracised. To say he won’t look at the baby is shocking

I am very, very sorry. What your husband is doing is beyond the pale. I would ask him to leave until he can be civil. HE had sex with you and refused a vasectomy. To treat you like this and demand you get an abortion and then make comments about your future child is unbelievably cruel. Can you leave with the boys for some breathing room away from him?

Wait so he's accusing you of planning the pregnancy when you were the only one using birth control?

Dicking around putting off vasectomy but trying to force you to get an abortion?

OP he is refusing counselling because he knows when this situation is laid out to a third party he will look like utter scum.

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry for you.

I do think you need to take control and start telling him what’s happening! Tell him you can’t look at him as he is vile.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

He's a man baby so you will have 4 children in fact.