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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

437 replies

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 00:07

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

OP posts:
ShoesoftheWorld · 07/06/2023 07:09

Codlingmoths · 07/06/2023 00:14

Have you explained to him that actually if you abort you can never look at him again, so can he please do some thinking about how a separated family works while you think about if it’s a separated 2 child family or a seperated 3 child family? That’s the reality- if he can’t accept the baby, you also can’t ever really get over his insistence on aborting and there is no middle ground here. Tonight tell him calmly you see no way forward as a couple, given his attitude these are the two options, and could he suggest some living and contact plans please.

I think, given you don't want a termination, this would be my approach. Of course he's allowed to not find the situation ideal, to worry about how you'll cope, even to express a view that if it were his decision you wouldn't continue. But it's not his decision, and there does come a point at which the tantrum (for this is what it's become now) has to cease and he needs to deal with the situation as it is and meet his responsibility as a father to all the children. And tbh if he wasn't doubling up on contraception (vasectomy or condoms) it's half his 'fault'.

Conkersinautumn · 07/06/2023 07:10

He's not your friend as you describe him, he's really only about himself, isn't he?

ShoesoftheWorld · 07/06/2023 07:11

*In fact, not half, all his 'fault' really.

Fraaahnces · 07/06/2023 07:12

Oh the “Breakdown”… the next tool in the manipulative arsenal of a narcissistic bully. Get him out of your life. He’s going to continue to escalate until you fold. He will drag everyone you know into this, so start telling people everything now.

PaigeMatthews · 07/06/2023 07:14

Fraaahnces · 07/06/2023 07:12

Oh the “Breakdown”… the next tool in the manipulative arsenal of a narcissistic bully. Get him out of your life. He’s going to continue to escalate until you fold. He will drag everyone you know into this, so start telling people everything now.

This. What an awful man.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/06/2023 07:15

Codlingmoths · 07/06/2023 00:14

Have you explained to him that actually if you abort you can never look at him again, so can he please do some thinking about how a separated family works while you think about if it’s a separated 2 child family or a seperated 3 child family? That’s the reality- if he can’t accept the baby, you also can’t ever really get over his insistence on aborting and there is no middle ground here. Tonight tell him calmly you see no way forward as a couple, given his attitude these are the two options, and could he suggest some living and contact plans please.

This.

Also +1 on the vasectomy and the no nicey-nicey time.
get him moving out for a while

What a huge dissapointment he is I'm so sorry OP.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 07/06/2023 07:16

I started off thinking this man has a right to be upset about an unplanned pregnancy. Loads of people don't want to go through all the disruption of baby years again, not to mention the expense. However, with each OP update my sympathy has drained.

OP this is not your fault. No one expects a coil to fail, so he has no right blaming you. The things he's saying are vile, and that he's planning on telling your two sons that he's not bothered about the baby is awful.

We had an accidental pregnancy. After years of trying, we'd had one DC, so didn't bother with contraception after, as we'd been told it was extremely unlikely we'd even conceive the first one naturally. Well you can guess, I got pregnant again. Husband couldn't cope with it at first and said things like he could never love another as much as the first. He did seem to come round and appeared to be happy when DD was born. However, he always treated her differently, always blamed her for things, and spoke to her more harshly, and she grew up thinking she was 2nd class. I regret not leaving when she was a small child, but I had neither the support or finances to leave. It's never as easy as just walking out.

If you were to abort your relationship would never recover as you'd never forgive him for forcing you in to it. However, if your husband isn't prepared to accept the new baby and treat them equally, then the relationship is doomed anyway. Please don't accept him talking to your DCs in a negative way about the baby. Even though they're excited now, they will learn behaviours from him.

As an aside, I don't agree with all the comments "he should have had a vasectomy if he didn't want more children". Seriously, how many of us double up on contraception? Most of us put trust in the methods we use and never think about the very small failure rate. Also, not many people want surgical intervention when they're still relatively young because opinions can change (or tragedies can happen in families).

babyboyjune23 · 07/06/2023 07:16

This is by far one of the worst things I have ever read on here,OP and I am so angry on your behalf; how DARE he treat you, the mother of his children in this horrifically, abusive way?! It is time for you to get angry- protect yourself, your children and your unborn baby from this awful, abusive man. It might not be how you imagined your life would be, but it's time to take a stance. Trust me when I say this is unforgivable. Sending you love and strength and don't doubt yourself for a single second.

ShoesoftheWorld · 07/06/2023 07:17

FWIW - I had enormous wobbles over our third during the pregnancy. The morning I went in to be induced I was saying I thought we'd made a huge mistake. (All changed the minute she was out and I was holding her). Early on I did raise the idea of termination. Dh just said he would support me whatever, but he thought I would probably regret it if I went down that road. I'm well aware he would have been utterly distraught had I terminated. But he knew it was quite simply not his choice to make. That's the level of self-control and maturity your husband needs to show and seems to have no intention of showing.

Bubbylana · 07/06/2023 07:19

I think even if he comes round to the idea you will never forget all that he said I know I would'nt and would never forgive him. Also if you have a termination you will never forgive him either. So im sorry to say your relationship is on very rocky ground and you should tell him this. It takes two to tango or did he think it was immaculate conception.

TokyoSushi · 07/06/2023 07:19

Not RTFT but his behaviour has kind of screwed the relationship either way. You'll dislike his for the way he's behaving or you'll dislike him for forcing you into a termination you don't want to have.

He needs to shape up or ship out, you're not the problem here. Good luck!

summerisnearlyhere · 07/06/2023 07:20

You asked if anyone had been in this situation, and yes I have. Not quite as extreme as you in that my husband didn't ask me to get an abortion, but he was very angry with 'us' for getting into the situation.
I couldn't enjoy the pregnancy because he wasn't excited, I don't think he came to any scans with me and fell asleep during labour.
Anyway, as soon as she was born she was the apple of his eye and he loved her just like he did the others.
I'm sure everything will be ok, just give him time. I know he's being a prize idiot but he's angry at himself too. As soon as the baby arrives he'll be besotted

Gcsunnyside23 · 07/06/2023 07:20

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 07:05

I think I’m struggling with self blame a little cos I don’t want to spilt the family up as it’s unfair on the boys!
but at the same time I know I can’t live with this if it’s how he’s going to be. I will never ever forgive what he’s said I know I won’t!

There's no blame on you here, he could have been in upset about it all but acted in a completely different way and yous could have worked things out. I honestly think you are both past that point, the things he's said are vile.
Am I getting it right that he's already told the kids? Has he told them he's pushing you to get rid of the baby too?
You arent splitting the family up he is.

SkyandSurf · 07/06/2023 07:21

ArseMenagerie · 07/06/2023 06:53

‘Doesn’t want to share me again’ 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I agree- what a fucked up thing to say.

InAFettle · 07/06/2023 07:22

he has said he doesn’t know what he’s going to be like when I start to show. He’s not coming anywhere near me now.
That sounds worrying, almost like a vague threat. I’d be worried the next stage was physical abuse after he said something like this tbh.

Justbecause19 · 07/06/2023 07:22

Congratulations on the pregnancy OP and sorry your DH is being so unbelievably awful. I have had a surprise 3rd pregnancy so know what a shock it is. I think you need to tell your DH that it would be better now that he kept his feelings to himself. You are pregnant and emotional and don't need to hear any of it. Even if he does snap out of it and come round he is doing irreversible damage to your relationship by being so nasty. He's made his feelings clear and you have made your decision. So put boundaries in place to protect yourself and your emotional health.

AuntieJune · 07/06/2023 07:23

You're dh sounds awful. He could have expressed shock, doubt, even preferring not to have another but then he should have accepted it and decided to make the best of it.

Instead he's doing some very unattractive squealing and blaming you for something you did together. He's immature at best.

Enjoy your baby, enjoy your older children, don't let dh ruin this!

Hellno45 · 07/06/2023 07:25

With friends like these eho needs enemies? Your husband is a manipulative wanker. He's trying to get you to do what he wants irrespective of the physical, emotional and psychological cost to you. Shit happens all the time that are beyond people's control. He might he in shock. It might not be part of his plan but its happening. He needs to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want any more children. No contraceptive is 100% effective. In all honesty I think you need to ask him to leave the family home if he's being toxic or take the kids and stay elsewhere. You need space and he needs to see and live his future life without you. It might wake him upto the reality of the future. However, he doesn't seem very invested in a future with you because he's taken counselling of the table.

Gettingbysomehow · 07/06/2023 07:26

It's all very well saying kick him out. Does OP work? Can she afford 3 kids on her own without being on UC for years with no standard of living. It's not as easy as that. The effect on her existing children would be catastrophic.
I had an abortion because I was single mum to one child and knew I could not afford another. I made the right choice. I didn't have the option to keep him, it would have destroyed my existing child's life.
I think your marriage and future depends on the pair of you getting urgent counselling now and thrashing it out with the help of a fully trained counsellor.

Bournetilly · 07/06/2023 07:27

He is being awful.

You are not to blame at all if the family split up, he is 50% responsible for making the baby. I don’t understand how he can be a good dad to his 2 children but act like this towards his 3rd child.

Either he comes round to the idea and treats them all equally or he leaves, it would be so unfair on the baby to be treated differently.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/06/2023 07:28

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 07:05

I think I’m struggling with self blame a little cos I don’t want to spilt the family up as it’s unfair on the boys!
but at the same time I know I can’t live with this if it’s how he’s going to be. I will never ever forgive what he’s said I know I won’t!

You are not splitting up the family. He is.
Never doubt that. His behaviour is beyond childish. You are the mother of his children and he is happy for you to be a nervous wreck so he can take out his anger and frustration on someone.

At this point i would force his hand and i would tell him

  • HE is about to destroy the marriage not you
  • he needs to stop right now as your marriage is at the edge of salvagable. You dont care how he feels he cant feel how he wants but he needs to stop saying these awful things to you.

then Phone his parents siblings friends whoever he is close too... tell them EXACTLY what he is doing and saying (inc miscarriage comments) and say he needs to move out for a week or two as its making you very unwell. Can they please collect him and help him see sense?

If you dont do something drastic the dynamic wont change and he will keep beating you with the same stick.

Original poster
Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 07:29

ShoesoftheWorld · 07/06/2023 07:17

FWIW - I had enormous wobbles over our third during the pregnancy. The morning I went in to be induced I was saying I thought we'd made a huge mistake. (All changed the minute she was out and I was holding her). Early on I did raise the idea of termination. Dh just said he would support me whatever, but he thought I would probably regret it if I went down that road. I'm well aware he would have been utterly distraught had I terminated. But he knew it was quite simply not his choice to make. That's the level of self-control and maturity your husband needs to show and seems to have no intention of showing.

He was showing that support or should I say just saying it.
He’d support me with any decision I made, until of course, it was the decision he didn’t want to hear.
Now he’s doing all of what I’ve mentioned!

OP posts:
Jagoda · 07/06/2023 07:30

You have to split with him, there’s no alternative sadly.

Unless you seriously would expose your third child to a lifetime of daddy only loves Tim and Tom, not you.

The damage is done. I would instigate divorce proceedings as you have to protect your family from this horrible man.

Just as an aside, a friend of mine went through something similar. Turned out her DH was having a workplace fling with a much younger woman who had been fed the line that the marriage was sexless. Obviously a new baby blew that lie out of the water and that’s why he had overreacted so badly. Not saying that’s your situation but it’s weird he’s reacting quite so nastily.

romdowa · 07/06/2023 07:30

Honestly he's being abusive and manipulative to try and force you to do what he wants. You say above that you are a People pleaser. I wonder is this the first time you've truly said no to him. Your bet at the moment is to just go grey rock. Don't engage with him on the subject and then get your ducks in a row. There's no going back from this now , I'd be worried his abusive behaviour would escalate the longer he doesn't get what he wants.

Thoughtful2355 · 07/06/2023 07:31

Hmmm I reckon hes lying, i think you have 2 choices

  1. Leave him as hes being a massive twat
  2. Just wait and hope that when he sees your beautiful baby, hears her/him laugh for the first time he wont be able to not love them.

If its a girl then he has a beautiful little baby girl, how could be actually be mad at her, if its a boy then he has another wonderful boy like his other two, im sure he wont be able to ACTUALLY have nothing to do with them once they are a living being. ( men hardly see babies in the tummy as an actual living thing until they are born)