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Original poster

Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

437 replies

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 00:07

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

OP posts:
Thoughtful2355 · 07/06/2023 07:32

Although id opt for option 1 :D

Hes an abusive asshole and you will never forgive him for showing his true colours here

Catchasingmewithspiders · 07/06/2023 07:33

Ita terrible the way hes speaking to you and about you. Its also horrific the way he is speaking about a baby he is equally responsible for creating. He won't look at "it", he wont do anything for "it", he will look after his current children but not the new one.

The thought of someone treating a baby who had no choice in being born in such a vile manner is something I would not be able to get over personally.

It shows clearly that he thinks that his contribution towards parenting is a choice, not a responsibility and that therefore he can withdraw, or not offer that contribution at any point if he encounters some behaviour he doesn't like

Meanwhile you are fully responsible for all parenting because you go through the pregnancy.

Gh12345 · 07/06/2023 07:34

Wow what a bloke

glitterfarts · 07/06/2023 07:34

What a pig he is. I'd ask him to leave to be honest if the kids are picking up on it. He's bringing nothing to your marriage right now except blame, anger, negative vibes, ugly statements and thoughts towards an innocent baby that he helped create happily.
What if the baby has SN? He's going to be saying YOU wanted this, I didn't.

My first thought was that he was having an affair or trying to and told that person that you don't have sex anymore and a pregnancy inconveniently destroyed that for him...
But I am a cynic.

Don't hide his reaction from others. He's being a revolting person.

You losing that weight will not be good OP. Look after you and the baby. Get him gone if you need to, to protect yourself.

Scalessayeek · 07/06/2023 07:36

I haven’t read the full thread OP, just your replies, but you can’t even consider raising a baby with him in the household. It will be such an unhealthy atmosphere for the baby, let alone everyone else. He may come round, especially when opinions from other family and friends, but I think for now he needs to leave.

Reigateforever · 07/06/2023 07:37

He should have a vasectomy to prove how serious he feels.
How do his parents feel about his reaction to his third child?

Highfivemum · 07/06/2023 07:38

One of my school mum friends had exactly this with her DH. He was so settled with his two other DC a that he could not see a third and was not nice at all to my friend. He didn’t go to the first scans at all and left her alone in her pregnancy. Gradually though he came round and she had another little DB. He is the most amazing dad to him. Yes he was wrong and yes he deserved to be kicked out but it turned around for them. Everyone copes differently. Some of us accepts situations quicker than others. In no way am I saying he isn’t wrong as he is and words can never be taken back but if he is normally a great DH and a great DF I would be inclined to see what happened. Just another spin on it. Good luck and I wish you a happy healthy baby

FelisCatus0 · 07/06/2023 07:41

OP tell him it's his fault, it's his sperm that got you pregnant, and that as you had birthed two children, the least he could have done is have a vasectomy. That if he had a vasectomy you wouldn't be in this situation, and he'd better arrange one by the time the baby arrives as you've done your bit and you're not going back to an IUD or any other contraception.

DappledOliveGroves · 07/06/2023 07:42

Have you told his family, and your mutual friends, about how he is behaving? I wonder if someone else (his mother or a friend) telling him that he’s being a vile cunt might make him sit up and realise how abusive he’s being? I don’t think at this point I’d be willing to cover up or make any excuses for him. I’d probably be on the phone to my in-laws saying that we might be separating because my husband has made it clear he wants nothing to do with the baby.

Itsanotherhreatday · 07/06/2023 07:42

I’ve read your updates and one thing that’s in the back of my mind is … Is he having an affair? Is he embarrassed that he’s told people you no longer sleep together and he’s proof??

It’s just an odd over reaction and a very conflicted reaction - is there more too or?

As for the baby and your children - speak freely - talk about names, talk about where the baby will sleep, the things you need - make it normal for your children and don’t hide your own feelings from them - you owe them that much!

ichifanny · 07/06/2023 07:43

He’s entitled to be worried about a third child but I don’t think I could get over the misogyny he’s shown . Saying he doesn’t want to share you and saying he can’t look at you while pregnant , who does he think he is . It’s really troubling like he thinks he owns you .

diddl · 07/06/2023 07:44

he doesn’t want to share me again!

I think you should leave for that alone!

Logically I can see that if someone is using contraception that fails, it would be thought that an abortion would happen.

Obviously it's not as simple as that!

It's the way he's expressing it though.

Bloody awful.

Original poster
Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 07:44

DappledOliveGroves · 07/06/2023 07:42

Have you told his family, and your mutual friends, about how he is behaving? I wonder if someone else (his mother or a friend) telling him that he’s being a vile cunt might make him sit up and realise how abusive he’s being? I don’t think at this point I’d be willing to cover up or make any excuses for him. I’d probably be on the phone to my in-laws saying that we might be separating because my husband has made it clear he wants nothing to do with the baby.

His mum and dad know - they just said they have their own opinions but it’s his life and our marriage. 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Dhama · 07/06/2023 07:45

Is he just saying this to you OP? Would he say it in front of friends or family members? If not then I think he knows he’s being an absolute dick.

I’m also concerned about the emotional harm he might cause all of your children if you don’t change this now. Saying to your other two that he’s not bothered already screws their perception of the new baby, coupled with how he’s acting towards you - how will that manifest once baby is born? What if he sticks to his word of never doing anything for or with this baby, what will that do to all three children? Will they treat their sibling as a second class citizen? Your children need you to protect them from this man. The stress you say you are under can cause an increase in cortisol which can also impact on baby.

Ltb is rarely easy, but honestly I don’t see how you come back from this without taking a huge step back and re-evaluating what you want the rest of your pregnancy and future to be like for your children. I don’t think I’d ever recover tbh, I know I’d rather be alone than with someone who is willingly choosing to hurt me and my children.

abyssofwoah · 07/06/2023 07:47

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. He’s being horrible. He doesn’t get to decide to opt out of being a parent to one of his children just because it was a surprise pregnancy. This is what marriage is about, you suck up the stuff that gets thrown at your unexpectedly and get on with it.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 07/06/2023 07:47

Grim.

I think you need to tell him what he is saying and doing is completely unacceptable and he needs to leave.

The only person fucking up his life is him.

Op put yourself, your baby and your boys first, this man is abusing you and it's toxic.

WimpoleHat · 07/06/2023 07:47

Kick him out. Or, at least, ask him to leave for a while. Phone his mum and explain the situation and say you’d like her to have him back for a while? Whatever. Just let him face the reality of living outside the family unit. Having to come to pick the kids up, sort his own stuff etc. And explaining it to everyone, “Oh - the wife’s pregnant and I’ve said I don’t want anything to do with it.” Let him see the reactions of his friends and family to that. Nothing like a good old dose of reality to sharpen his focus….

Powerplant · 07/06/2023 07:47

Years ago a friend was in a similar situation to yours. She booked a termination but couldn’t go through with it and gave birth to a baby girl. Her husband was smitten from the off and has a very close relationship with his daughter. He was full of remorse for pushing for an abortion. I really hope things work out between you and your husband and good luck with the pregnancy.

Climbles · 07/06/2023 07:47

He has been your best friend, as long as you do what he wants. You say you’re a people pleaser, does that mean you’ve been the flexible one who lets him have his own way?
As the mumsnet saying goes ‘get your ducks in a row’. He clearly has no regard for your physical or mental health. Sorry you’re going through this but my guess is once you set up a new life you’ll look back on a lot of other things he has done as toxic.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 07/06/2023 07:48

Your husband is a weakass.

I'd seriously reconsider whether you want this pathetic immature unresourceful shite in your home, being a role model to your sons.

Well done for standing up for yourself and your child.

NyanBinaryJohn · 07/06/2023 07:53

but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

Last night he said He’ll never spilt up with me but it’s up to me if I can put up with the way he’s being

Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life

he has mentioned getting a vasectomy but it never happened!

At least you tried contraception. What did he bring to the table? Abusive behaviour, that's what.

He's not a good dad. If he was he wouldn't be treating the mother of his children the way he is treating you.

Ansjovis · 07/06/2023 07:56

Time to put your foot down. Either he shuts the hell up right now or he knows where the door is and can walk through it. This "this is how I feel, you decide if you can put up with it or not" is complete and utter nonsense.

No-one is being served well by the current situation, not you or any of the three young lives dependant on you. Your boys WILL be picking up on the atmosphere in the house, be very clear on that. If your husband won't sort himself out then it's on you to act in their best interests by cutting off his nonsense one way or the other.

GabriellaMontez · 07/06/2023 07:57

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 07:05

I think I’m struggling with self blame a little cos I don’t want to spilt the family up as it’s unfair on the boys!
but at the same time I know I can’t live with this if it’s how he’s going to be. I will never ever forgive what he’s said I know I won’t!

He is splitting the family up by being a disgusting, selfish man child.

He's not your best friend.

Something unexpected (though not totally unforseeable) has happened...

His reaction is awful. Hes not there for you. Perhaps he's not the man you thought.

Notjustabrunette · 07/06/2023 07:57

this isn’t just a baby, it’s a future person. Imagine growing up in a house where your own dad ignores you? Massively abusive OP, unfortunately unless he sorts himself out you need to leave him.

Inthedeep · 07/06/2023 08:01

I’m so sorry OP, I can’t imagine how horrendous you must feel at the moment. What your husband is saying and how he’s acting is unforgivable. Do his family know the situation and are they generally good people? If so could one of his parents or a sibling pull him aside and give him a huge dose of reality of what an absolutely horrible human he is being at the moment. He needs to be told by someone else other than just you.

He didn’t have a vasectomy, didn’t wear a condom, didn’t abstain from sex due to not have done either of those and still is blaming you, the person who actually tried to take preventative steps to stop this pregnancy happening. This needs to be pointed out to him very clearly. In fact you have every right to be furious at him for not preventing this.

Can he not see that by him treating you and the baby like this, everyone else is going to see this and treat him with contempt for being such an idiot and all round horrible person.

Yes this is a shock, no it wasn’t planned but he’s an adult and supposed to love you and the family you’ve created together. Surely he can see for him the only way to fix this now is to see the GP and have some counselling and quickly come off board with this baby.