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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

437 replies

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 00:07

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 07/06/2023 18:23

Advise him that HE made the choice to behave like this. HE has disappointed you and abused you and your children. He can commit to you ALL or he has chosen to split.

fortheloveofflowers · 07/06/2023 18:27

He’s not amazing at all if you did pretty much all the childcare for your kids when they were babies. Raise your bar ffs!

Throw him out

Catchasingmewithspiders · 07/06/2023 18:29

I would strongly consider whether you want a long term relationship with this man OP

My DH knows exactly what I want to happen in the event of a coma, serious injury, organ donation etc etc and I trust him to carry out my wishes

Your DH has shown you that he believes he should have a right to medical decisions about your body and that he thinks his decision should outweigh yours. Is this the person you want potentially making future medical conditions for you?

It's a rather morbid thought, and may be entirely irrelevant during your lifetime, but I wouldn't trust him personally

GabriellaMontez · 07/06/2023 18:33

neilyoungismyhero · 07/06/2023 14:54

Yes, it's your body but he surely has a say in this too. He's behaving like an idiot at the moment but his choice is as valid as yours. You need to talk and talk and talk...I don't think he's the bad guy people are making him out to be.

No. He has literally no say.

The choice he made, was to have sex, knowing this always carries the risk of pregnancy.

Billyho · 07/06/2023 18:47

neilyoungismyhero · 07/06/2023 14:54

Yes, it's your body but he surely has a say in this too. He's behaving like an idiot at the moment but his choice is as valid as yours. You need to talk and talk and talk...I don't think he's the bad guy people are making him out to be.

He has no say whatsoever! HTH

Daleksatemyshed · 07/06/2023 18:51

Well if you don't think he's having an affair Op then I'm at a loss as to his problem. You say he's anxious about your sons but I don't understand how that could translate into being so vile about another child. Is he so anxious he can't cope with having another child to be worried about?
He keeps saying he loves you and doesn't want to lose you but it doesn't make sense. He thinks you're being blunt when he's tried everything possible to make you abort as if that's nothing.
I don't think I could have him in the house Op, his reactions are so strange and unpleasant I wouldn't be comfortable knowing he's there, in your place I'd send him home to his DP's. In his weird state of mind who knows what he will do next?

BruhWhy · 07/06/2023 18:59

"I don't understand why you're being blunt"
"Well I don't understand why you threatened suicide unless I aborted our baby but there you go, now off to mummy's you go"

billy1966 · 07/06/2023 19:05

Fraaahnces · 07/06/2023 18:15

“Too late. You lost me when you told our other kids that they couldn’t discuss this baby with you (Who even does that?). That was abusive. You lost me when you tried every single manipulative trick in the book to guilt trip me into doing something I am fundamentally opposed to doing. You lost me with your lack of responsibility for the creation of this baby and refusal to acknowledge that you have an obligation to be responsible for 50% of its upbringing as my partner or not. You lost me when you continued to sulk and moan about this being something done to YOU, without acknowledging that if I had gone ahead and killed the baby that is growing inside me just to placate you, our relationship would have been over anyway as I do not want to live with someone I resent for the rest of my life.”

I agree.

He took no action whatsoever to prevent a pregnancy but feels entitled to threaten and coerce his wife.

OP, i find it absolutely unbelievable that there hasn't been ignored hints of his potential to be so very ugly.

His behaviour is on the truly high end of terribly abusive behaviour.

I have never heard the like of it.

How you would ever look at someone capable of such ugliness is really beyond me.

His sheer entitlement to bully and insist you abort is extraordinary.

It really is not normal.

Please contact Women's aid for some independent confirmation of how unacceptable his abuse of you is.

billy1966 · 07/06/2023 19:07

Please be explicit to anyone you tell that he has threatened suicide if you do not comply to his demand.

This is 101 in the abusers handbook.

FancyFran · 07/06/2023 19:08

@billy1966 i agree with everything you have said.
OP I hope you can get some peace tonight.

Itsanotherhreatday · 07/06/2023 19:13

He wants you to say you’ve split?

Sounds like he doesn’t want to make that choice or look bad as you’re expecting - he wants you to be unreasonable and take the blame - he wants to walk away and look like he tried -

I would tell him you either choose all your family or you walk away. His choice.

Dont be the fall guy.

WunWun · 07/06/2023 19:18

You can't possibly bring up a child in a house where one of their parents hates/resents them.

I think this would be a done deal for me.

theblackradiator · 07/06/2023 19:22

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 07/06/2023 00:19

How did you get pregnant if he had a vasectomy and you had a coil?

Oh, hang on, he didn't have a vasectomy?

And he didn't wear a condom?

So this baby that he did absolutely nothing to prevent creating; he's blaming YOU for? You, the one person who did actively try to prevent the creation?

He should be angry at himself but instead he's upsetting a pregnant woman.

Start finding your inner anger. HE got you pregnant.

HE had sex with you without using any contraceptive; how fucking dare he then blame you for ruining HIS life, because his unprotected sex led to a baby.

This man is an arsehole.

This.
why do women waste their time with complete arsehole men like this. LTB op.
Why don't men like this take responsibility for their own fertility and simply get the snip if they're 100% sure they don't want anymore kids it really boils my piss.

TiredCatLady · 07/06/2023 19:22

I’ve read the FT and there are no two ways of putting this: he’s a complete gobshite.

Threatening suicide because he doesn’t want to ‘share you again’? Fuck off.

I’m sorry OP, is he hoping his reaction will either coerce you into the termination or cause you a miscarriage? Fucking horrid bastard.

Keep being blunt. Tell him to fuck off to his mothers, get some therapy and consider a vasectomy. Make sure she knows what he’s said re suicide and I wouldn’t be leaving him alone with your other DS either.

Hellno45 · 07/06/2023 19:48

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 14:09

I’m not having an abortion, he won’t change that. I couldn’t do it, It would of messed me up completely.

no - he doesn’t usually call the shots. Like I said before either everything else I’ve always told him straight. I think I’m just having a shit time in general lately which 100% plays a part in how I’ve been. Then he’s just added to all of this. I am a people pleaser but I’m not a doormat.

I would go as far as to say I’m sure he isn’t having an affair/fling either.

He has massive anxiety over the boys - always worrying about them. He is a good dad and has been an amazing partner up until now. He does sulk a lot when he doesn’t ger his own way - we have spoken about this before. But this is a whole other level. I’ve never seen him act like this anymore.

I get it was unplanned and he’s upset, scared and I get his feelings. But I don’t see how that justifies his behaviour at all! I know it isn’t right and I’ve told him so.

I’m scared too, it was planned for me either.

he’s not an only child - in fact he’s one of three.

I have asked him to go to his mums, but he won’t unless I say we have spilt!

This is the first of him acting this way.

Tell him to go to his mum's. Tell him your happy to split if he continues in this vain. He is being abusive and manipulative.

Does he want you to say your split so he can shag someone else and say your on a break?

Unfortunately, what is said can't be unsaid. Your relationship is over. Can he really redeem himself? Idoubt it.

Justputitdown · 07/06/2023 19:52

Yuck. His attitude is so disgusting. I'd ditch him and I really don't normally say that.

EE1980 · 07/06/2023 20:06

He needs to grow the f**k up.

Parisj · 07/06/2023 20:14

As you are going to have the baby you need to prepare yourself to protect that child from the rejection of their father for a lifetime. I don't even know how you do that when the siblings will be treated differently. You need to be under different roofs imo. I recommend steely no nonsense boundaries for now. And I am so sorry for you and all three children.

Original poster
Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 22:20

Thank you everyone.

I guess time will tell.

right now, even though he’s trying I find myself wanting to be no where near him. I just keep finding things to keep myself busy! Luckily I have an amazing family and friends so I’m sure myself, the boys & baby will be okay 🙂

OP posts:
BMK · 07/06/2023 23:13

@Pippin18 just be wary as all.of his behaviour is red flag to me. It's a case of try effect control/make you do as he wants one way,then each and every other way- irrespective of how abusive and manipulative taht is or how damaging and hurtful to you- and then when that doesn't work,change tack. So firstly he was nice as he believed you would have the abortion; when that changed and you actually said no,he went a bit off his rocker and started showing what are his underlying traits which are highly concerning and show how he reacts when he doesn't get hisnway in something he feels strongly about.

The more he was losing control over the decision the more intense and insidious the threats etc became.

He even then tried a different angle: to suggest it was out of love for you and not wanting to 'share you' that was causing his shocking reaction which was totally abusive of you (you can try justify or explain away what he said but from start to finish it is abusive and the fact this has dragged on for not days but weeks withoutany real regard for you, your feelings, your well being and weight loss, your family unit and marriage,and with no profuse or any apology but further attempts to excuse himself, further compounds this)

Now when you tell him to move out he does the classic: I dare you to finish our relationship blackmail clause (again assuming you are still not strong enough and will just bend and accept his behaviour and hopefully do his bidding)-. He says he won't finish with you but says that you may not be able to tolerate his 'baby' attitude/position. This is the most manipulative and classic red flag for those who think he may be trying to preserve his position re any affair,or affair he wishes to have or just get out but as the wronged man. You say he is 'anxious' about the existing children but perhaps he is anxious about not seeing them if he did leave or anxious about losing family life as it is,however as they get older it will be easier for him to maintain a relationship without necessarily involving you so he wouldn't necessarily need to live there or etc,but a new baby fucks all that up- as alluded to and identified by probably around 10 individual people here- which occurred to them all ,including myself, directly from what you described as his behaviour.

When you have told him to leave and don't appear to be giving up/in/coming around to just wanting him to be nice to you- whatever it takes- he then changes tack again and tells you he just 'doesn't want to lose you' whilst still trying to sell you some irrelevant justification for his behaviour (which addresses none of how he has actually behaved and continues to behave toward you and your children and family).

I can't reconcile his behaviour with love for you,his existing children or respect for any of you and God the poor baby. It is an absolute disgrace really. I mean what man would put a woman ,his wife, in such a distressing position for weeks where she has had 2 bereavements and other terminally ill people /family presently around her and is pregnant and also scared and needing support more than ever herself.

It is his behaviour and how he has and continues to treat you that is the issue,then how he is treating this poor baby and the blackmail clauses and guilt trips which involve your children and threats - bo veiled and direct. All abusive of you and your 3 children.

This is what is hard to accept ans come to terms with but please refer to my post on pg 9 re counselling for you to allow you go there and look,objectively, with an experienced counsellor/psychologist,at what is really happening here and whether it us benign as you hope,or otherwise- which for your entire family you may need to be aware of to make necessary decisions and protect yourself and it will either save your marriage or give you the strength to mind you and the children and have the life you all deserve.

billy1966 · 08/06/2023 00:14

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 22:20

Thank you everyone.

I guess time will tell.

right now, even though he’s trying I find myself wanting to be no where near him. I just keep finding things to keep myself busy! Luckily I have an amazing family and friends so I’m sure myself, the boys & baby will be okay 🙂

You will absolutely fine and I suspect a fog will start lifting for you soon.

Look up the boiled frog analogy.

I think you have been slowly simmering to get to this point.

Tell the truth and reach out for support.

You are a great woman and you will get through this.

whynotwhatknot · 08/06/2023 16:51

Trying what? to change the subject

unles she admits hes wrong and he'l cope and hes sorry theres nothing really to talk about and he should leave

FancyFran · 08/06/2023 18:27

So OP 99% of responses have told you you husband is lying, dangerous and abusive. I actually got up to check on you last night. You don't need to report in to random people on munsnet but I actually think there were many people who would have helped you irl. Your choice to stay (and your last post sounds like that) but having had a friend who didn't leave until her DH tried to kill her I wish you luck. Checking out.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 08/06/2023 20:03

FancyFran · 08/06/2023 18:27

So OP 99% of responses have told you you husband is lying, dangerous and abusive. I actually got up to check on you last night. You don't need to report in to random people on munsnet but I actually think there were many people who would have helped you irl. Your choice to stay (and your last post sounds like that) but having had a friend who didn't leave until her DH tried to kill her I wish you luck. Checking out.

This.

One of my relatives, her husband came home drunk and threw her down the stairs after she told him she was pregnant. Think carefully on whether you really can trust this man not to hurt you and your DC3-to-be.

Nanaof1 · 10/06/2023 00:15

neilyoungismyhero · 07/06/2023 14:54

Yes, it's your body but he surely has a say in this too. He's behaving like an idiot at the moment but his choice is as valid as yours. You need to talk and talk and talk...I don't think he's the bad guy people are making him out to be.

Yes, and he hAD a choice. He knew that no contraception is 100% on it's own, including a coil or the pill. So he made a choice to have unprotected sex. His choice is to stay or go. It's HER choice whether to give birth. No man has the right to that choice, ever.