Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

[Pippin18]

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

He's disgusting and how vile to say he will be a father to two and not to this baby. How will this effect all 3 children! He has to go. You can do it on your own. A friend of mine once said to me if a man is a bad father to one child he is a bad father to all children

Op
take control
i suggest him moving out- even if he comes back around when baby is here or when your showing, having him around will affect your mental health and you won’t enjoy this pregnancy
honestly men put us through hell then end up loving the baby anyway it’s ridiculous
I understand where he is coming from but to further himself with blackmailing you is awful
honestly you need space you’re growing a human and nearly halfway
congratulations anyway OP-🌸🌸🌸

I don’t think he’s unreasonable to be gutted about the pregnancy or to strongly express a preference for the pregnancy not to continue. I also think he’s not blaming OP for getting pregnant, more for deciding to keep the baby which is a decision now out of his control.

However, he’s being a vile flat track bully attempting to manipulate OP into getting an abortion. No best friend would do that and the way he is behaving would damage the most solid of relationships.

OP- do what is best for you and your children because but bear in mind there is every chance that even if you decided to abort to keep him happy, your relationship and mental health might not recover anyway. I wouldn’t be able to forget the way he has behaved over this.

he’s my best friend

With friends like this, who needs enemies?

He's being a dick. Doesn't want to share you? He's not a toddler. He's a selfish adult. Don't have an abortion if you don't want one, you'll never forgive yourself or him and it'll come between you anyway. If he didn't want to be a father so much he should have done something about it like used condoms or had a vasectomy. I've got no sympathy with men who leaves contraception upto their partner then gets angry if it fails. He needs to get a grip. There's going to be another baby and he can't ignore it's existence in his own home or treat two DC well and the third like shit, that's a terrible thing to do. Relationship counselling to help him process it and come to terms with it and accept his own responsibility for it happening, or to help you both realise you need to split up. Don't be bullied by a manchild into something you don't want. It's easy for him to say get an abortion, it's not his body!

Hun, I'm just sending you hugs. It must be such a devastating shock for your best friend to turn on you like this - if you wanted an abortion that's fine (I've had one and it was a relief for me) - but if you don't want one, it'd really break you.

Abortion needs to be decided by the woman, and no-one else. You might need to rethink this relationship tbh. x

Thank you for all your replies.

I had the IDU removed when I found out I was pregnant.
he has mentioned getting a vasectomy but it never happened!

Don’t get me wrong I understand it’s a massive shock and I am scared too!
I didn’t expect him to be jumping around all excited when it wasn’t something we planned. I just never expected him to react this badly and say all these vile things that can’t be taken back!
he’s basically saying I’ve ruined his life and it’s the worst thing that can happen to him.

But as soon as he mentioned abortion I couldn’t even look at my own children or baby pictures of the boys. I knew if I aborted at 12 weeks I would never of forgiven myself and would have ended up very depressed and our marriage would be over anyway as I’d blame him - which also would have meant I couldn’t be there for my boys, who are my number one priority.

Last night he said He’ll never spilt up with me but it’s up to me if I can put up with the way he’s being, which tbh if he doesn’t change I can’t. I don’t deserve to be treated this way and our boys are picking up that something is wrong!

he said we could tell the children so we did, they’re excited but I feel like we can’t talk about the baby round him. He said if they mentioned it to him was going to tell them that he isn’t bothered by it - to me that’s evil!!
he said I can sort the baby out and he’ll sort the boys - I can count how many nursery/ school runs ect he’s done on my hands! He wants nothing to do with ‘it’ and it fills him with anger and makes him feel sick when he thinks about it.

I get it wasn’t what we had planned and things may have to change for a while but all that’s happening at the minute is I’m filled with massive anxiety about the whole situation. I’m still trying to get my head around everything as well as put up with him.

I have family and friend support - so I think I’ll be okay either way. I just never thought he’d be this awful!!

I don’t think it helps that I have a lot of other things going on atm with family members being terminally ill & 2 deaths close together so I don’t think I’m feeling as strong as usual!

I feel at my wits end with it all.

The way he's acting with treating the baby like it doesn't exist will be picked up on by the boys , it's very toxic and it's went to far if the boys are excited about the baby on my opinion. I am due my 4th baby next month and I would feel so sad for this baby if it wasn't for the strong love I know you have and the boys have . Tell him to change or loose what he has . Stand up for your baby please this is awful I really feel for you x

Wish I could help you x

So sorry OP, this is really tough, especially when you're also dealing with bereavement/illness.

He's behaving terribly and it's really wrong of him to say he'll communicate his current feelings to your children. If he's not currently a hands-on Dad he's not suddenly going to do all the childcare for the boys and it would be really damaging for the baby to let a two-tier system of parenting emerge. So, him staying and behaving like this doesn't seem like a viable option. I agree with previous suggestions for counselling - it may still be that the outcome is he really can't cope as your partner, but he then has to work with you on reasonable next steps like a decent parent.

Stay strong!

I have also mentioned counselling, he isn’t willing to do it as apparently what he would say there is 10 times worse and if I’m getting upset now there is no point.

He’s been acting the same until I told him I couldn’t have an abortion then boom, he changes into this person I don’t know anymore!

One minute he’s getting his head round it best he’s back to saying he resents the baby, it’s the worst thing ever, he’s praying it goes away on it’s own (which I have tried to explain to him would have an effect on me) he says he cares about me but not ‘it’ - doesn’t seem it to me.

I’ve tried to pacify him and talk through all the options so we still get time to ourselves ect but I’m just getting to the point where it’s too upsetting! He’s nearly 32 for goodness sake!

sorry for ranting, I know there’s no real answer!

What a vile, abusive man. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

He's playing mind games with you and involving your children in it. To be trying to force you to get an abortion, then giving you hope that he will try, then going right back to the start again is an absolute head fuck. And why in the world did he say to tell your children when he just wants to shit on their excitement?

Honestly he needs to leave the family home because he's already creating a damaging atmosphere where the baby is being portrayed as a problem both between you two and to your older children. No baby should be born into that. If he can't get his shit together immediately then please tell him to go and make it clear to your kids that it is him who is the problem, not their unborn sibling.

The more you pacify him will just let him know that it's acceptable to keep behaving like this . I'd totally ignore my partner if he did this tell him to get out of the bedroom aswell no need to worry about if he doesn't come near tell him . He won't be allowed if he doesn't accept the baby then he doesn't accept you x

He's an unbelievably awful human being to treat you and his unborn child that way. The manipulation, blackmail and just go awfulness is beyond comprehension. These are not the qualities of a loyal, supportive or deserving partner. LTB, you'll have a beautiful new baby and he might actually realise how much he monumentally f'd up and took you for granted

If he thinks going to counselling together will upset you, will he go on his own? That way he can work through these 'unspeakable' thoughts without you having to hear them, and be supported to take ownership of contributing to a future decision. It might put him in a better place for mutual counselling or indeed make him see that he has to leave if he really feels these things but it seems like it would be better than the current abdication of responsibility.

It sounds so like you are the only one with any sense. Keep going, using your own intuition and let him do whatever jig he wants to about this.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this and this man has let you down so profoundly and cruelly.

How dare he blame you for ruining his life - he's had years to get a vasectomy if he felt this strongly about it. How come he couldn't do that but then expects you to go and get an abortion like it's no more than a pedicure?!?

You need to throw him out, or at least insist he goes to counselling ON HIS OWN at first- so he can process and deal more constructively with these outrageous thoughts and feelings that he's inflicting on you at the moment.

Once he's come to a better place in his own counselling, you will look at couples counselling to repair the deep damage that HE ALONE has done to your relationship.

And book him in for a vasectomy ASAP. It will be a public service.

Give him no nicey nicey time , take your affection away and let him know you don't like him ruining the family by treating the little baby like a rat to get rid of anymore. This is why you are getting to your limits with him . There's only so much you can concentrate on him him him . What about you xx

I'm so sorry. I don't think I could stay with someone who wished a miscarriage upon me. I've had miscarriages before and even now years later I find myself quite down about them. If you don't want an abortion, do not get one. If it means the end of your marriage, so be it. A coerced termination will also be the end of your marriage as you know it. Coils fail, that's life, if he didn't want a baby he should have had a vasectomy or used condoms.

I would agree if he voices his concerns sensitively and didn't tell his pregnant wife that he wishes she would miscarry.

It takes 2 to make a baby. He could have had the snip if he is happy with the size of 'his' family. He's also being abusive . I'm sorry but despite everything you say in his favour he comes across as not a good person. He's acting like a toddler; it's your body and doesn't belong to him. I think you need to separate, even if only until after the baby is born and he has had counselling. If that is successful he can return. I would do that . He needs to understand that if he forced you to terminate ,then the marriage just wouldn't survive.Because I don't believe you would forgive him.

Bearing in mind he’s 50% responsible for creating this child, where on earth does he justify heaping all the blame on you. If you count this man as your best friend, this doesn’t rate your other friends highly. He’s a child having a tantrum because life’s thrown him a curved ball. Actually, thinking about it, he’s an excessively hurtful ‘child’ having a tantrum. You sound as you are the only grownup in this relationship, you are to applauded. Life doesn’t always go to plan, don’t we know, but it’s how you handle these that speaks volumes. Good luck, I really do wish you all the best, not exactly what you planned, but hey another little one to love….lucky you!

You need to tell him to go somewhere else op. Suggest he can pick the boys up two days a week and bring them back for dinner, point out a couple weeks of that will be more picking them up than he’s ever done before, and say you need to think and you need him somewhere else for this. Repeat you won’t be getting an abortion, what you are thinking about is your marriage. Any family could hit a rough patch at any time and you’re seeing how he handles one, and it’s not great.

I too think he should go to counselling on his own.

I can't get over him blaming you for getting pregnant when he did nothing to stop you getting pregnant in the first place. All he had to do was wear a condom but no! It's ALL YOUR FAULT.

Why do men want to shift all the responsibility of not getting pregnant on women? And when contraception fails why is it the woman's fault? It takes two to tango!

Chuck him out. Let him stew over his attitude. He can reconsider or he can stay chucked out. His choice.

Oh and if he has not had a vasectomy by the end of the fortnight tell him he is a massive fucking hypocrite in addition to be an abusive husband and a shitty father.

I'm furious for you OP. You deserve so much better.