Being shamed for telling people before 12 weeks, help!

[firsttimelondonmummy]

I really don’t get why it’s so taboo and you are made to feel awful if you tell people before 12 weeks if you are comfortable with it and the risks.
We understand we are at a higher risk of loosing our pregnancy given we are only nearly 8 weeks but we had a scan at 7 weeks and saw a heartbeat and I was really really struggling with exhaustion and so thought telling work cautiously (a select few) was the right thing to do.
Now my boss keeps telling me she thinks I’ve done the wrong thing and when we tell her we are comfortable with informing those people about the pregnancy and also comfortable telling them if we unfortunately don’t hold she says that’s disappointing and I’m being super negative about my pregnancy.
Feel like I can’t win and don’t understand why I’m being treated like this when it’s my decision and I feel comfortable sharing we are pregnant and also sharing if we did unfortunately didn’t hold.
We of course hope to hold and are wishing for a healthy happy baby but also trying to be realistic that unfortunately things can go wrong this early on.
Am I missing something? Am I being awful?

DS is now 4, I've come to realise how many people don't end up with a healthy, living baby at the end of their pregnancy.

It's fear for you

I told my family fairly early. Best work friend straight away. Other work friends at 10 weeks. My mates at 12 weeks. Aunties at 20 weeks. MIL knew I was pregnant just looking at me!

So, I just told people when I saw them, really. I had a few early scans. And I was so hopeful for this baby, as we lost our first at 9 weeks. I felt like I was willing things to work out, but it is lucky they did...

@SpottyBumPony I understand this completely but if you are comfortable with the risk and having to tell people if you don’t hold I don’t see why it’s so awful? :(

@HelloBunny sorry to hear that and so glad things have worked out.
I totally understand the risk and have taken the decision given that and I’m totally aware I may have to have some hard conversations but if I’m comfortable having them I’m confused as to why it’s so shamed.

Your boss is being really inappropriate - it's completely your call as to when you share your news, and she absolutely shouldn't be making you feel bad for doing something totally fine, even if it's a different decision than she would have made. I don't know what your relationship with her is like, but if you feel comfortable I wonder if it would be worth pushing back and saying something along the lines of how it's making you feel uncomfortable her commenting on your decision to share your news?

For what it's worth, I told my work about my current pregnancy before 6 weeks (and actually before my family) as I had to run out of a meeting to throw up in the corridor - they've been nothing but supportive, as it should be.

Ok, you're comfortable with it, but they're clearly not comfortable having that put on them. It's not just about you.

Entirely up to you @firsttimelondonmummy. It's really whatever you feel comfortable with.
Unfortunately you will always come across other folk who think they know better and this will increase exponentially throughout your pregnancy and child bearing years.
Pick your battles, acknowledge other folks opinions and do whatever you think best for you.

I told people early, I was so excited. However people do say you 'shouldn't' announce before twelve weeks.

I'm sure you will be fine and have a lovely baby. Congratulations!

Surely you’ve just been unfortunate enough to work with someone with a bee in her bonnet about this specific issue?

@biscuitcat this!!!!
I’ve told hardly any friends and family but it’s really affecting my work and so thought it best to let them know so they don’t think it’s my performance as I’m due a promotion.
The other few people that know at work have been so supportive and understand I’m still at a risky period in my pregnancy.
Shes being so so negative about me sharing and I just don’t get it!

Work colleagues are not the same as friends and family. You don't know that you don't have colleagues coping with losses who would suffer if having to sit at work listening to your oversharing. That's not fair.

The same way someone whose husband has just died from cancer shouldn't be put in the position of having to listen to a colleague discuss cancer treatment at work.

It's not about "shaming" you, it's being considerate and respectful of your colleagues.

I was vomiting at 4 weeks, hospitalised with HG for the first time at 6 weeks and I'm a nurse. Everyone knew pretty much when I did!

People have way to many opinions on things that are none of their business!

@tickticksnooze pardon ? 😂
This absolutely is all about me and my safety and work and taking a workload I can cope with and being upfront and honest about my performance.
Also where did you fabricate she wasn’t comfortable being told from? I literally never said that.
She was thrilled when I told her she just things I shouldn’t have shared with anyone else.

Some people honestly….
Didn’t your parents teach you about not saying anything if it wasn’t nice or constructive?

I'm not trying to be nasty, but I find tickticksnooze's comments on here very odd.

@firsttimelondonmummy congratulations on your pregnancy. Many, many people guess or work it out before 12 weeks. And it's your choice who you tell

It's not about "shaming" you, it's being considerate and respectful of your colleagues.

What? I think you're projecting slightly there.

X-post 😂

I've had four miscarriages. If I get pregnant again I'll tell my dad, sisters, close friends (when it comes up), close colleagues/friends again. I find comfort talking about my miscarriages (I don't bang on about them). Also, I do need to tell my support colleague at work as I can't go near some of the chemicals etc. you do what you want.

@tickticksnooze I’m sorry but your response is absolutely ridiculous.
I’ve lost people to cancer and would never expect a work colleague to feel like they couldn’t share their cancer stories or experience with me because of this.
As a manager you put feelings aside.
You are talking about something completely irrelevant to my situation anyway but it’s imperative I flag this as it is absolutely not ok to let your experiences affect the way you treat others and the ear that you give them especially as a manager.
I am very thankful I don’t work in an environment like you describe and that regardless of our personal struggles we are open to supporting others.
This is simply a case of me wondering why someone feels they have the right to tell me when I can share my own news because of personal opinion.

This happened to me. I had HG and needed to be signed off for a bit around 8-10 weeks. When I called my line manager to explain, she told me off and said I should have lied!

Didn't stop her from telling everyone at work I was pregnant, who then also told me they shouldn't know before 12 weeks.

Maybe your boss has experienced miscarriages

Not everyone who experiences miscarriage wants to pretend that the pregnancy it didn't happen.

@tickticksnooze I wonder if you've misinterpreted what's happened slightly - this isn't a case of someone shouting news from the rooftops (which is not to say that's not something you can do - it's just not relevant here), this is OP telling her manager about something affecting her work performance to explain it, which is entirely appropriate. Part of being a manager is handling things like that.

Also op, welcome to motherhood, the judgement is never ending,

@Fizzadora agreed! I’ve always said you have to trust your gut 🙏🏻

@TuisealGinideach its all a little odd..

@Rogue1001MNer it’s an irrelevant comment too… not sure why the poster felt the need especially as it’s irrelevant to my situation.
Thanks for your kind words!

@Headabovetheparakeet agreed and hope I never have a manager who thinks like that.

@lunar1 agree! I don’t know how so many people keep it a secret with all the symptoms.
also if anything were to happen I would want the support from work to take the time I needed.

@seven201 totally agree! as I just mentioned above if anything were to happen I would want the support from work to take the time I needed.
I’m also really sorry to hear you’ve been through that. Sending you all the sticky baby dust ✨ 🌈 my inbox is always open if you need an ear xx

You can lose a pregnancy at any stage. I was 23 weeks, there was no disguising a big bump. So I think you should tell whom, when you want. Ignore your boss.

I'm rooting for you to have a healthy happy pregnancy. Congratulations xx