Being shamed for telling people before 12 weeks, help!

[firsttimelondonmummy]

I really don’t get why it’s so taboo and you are made to feel awful if you tell people before 12 weeks if you are comfortable with it and the risks.
We understand we are at a higher risk of loosing our pregnancy given we are only nearly 8 weeks but we had a scan at 7 weeks and saw a heartbeat and I was really really struggling with exhaustion and so thought telling work cautiously (a select few) was the right thing to do.
Now my boss keeps telling me she thinks I’ve done the wrong thing and when we tell her we are comfortable with informing those people about the pregnancy and also comfortable telling them if we unfortunately don’t hold she says that’s disappointing and I’m being super negative about my pregnancy.
Feel like I can’t win and don’t understand why I’m being treated like this when it’s my decision and I feel comfortable sharing we are pregnant and also sharing if we did unfortunately didn’t hold.
We of course hope to hold and are wishing for a healthy happy baby but also trying to be realistic that unfortunately things can go wrong this early on.
Am I missing something? Am I being awful?

@StClare101 I actually feel sorry for you that you work in an environment where you feel your male colleagues have a narrative of women being ‘fragile and needy’.
A significant proportion of my leadership team are female and many have kids and have taken leave.
Let me correctly rephrase what you’ve said ‘I am one of those women who picked an incredible workplace that gave me the confidence to decide I could get pregnant and keep my career as I have seen how they treated other expectant mothers.
Its you that has the problem peddling some angry awful narrative that you can be pregnant but no matter what symptoms you have you must grind grind grind.
I’m also doing the opposite of tearing myself down 😊 that’s all you telling me I’m going to be a failure if I don’t fit your picture of a pregnant robot at work.
I am in fact healthy and happy and looking forward to my well deserved work progression.
I also thing woman who grow humans are amazing but I’m also not naive enough to comment all women can work through it as I’ve seen women hospitalised with HG, suffering from extreme fatigue, suffering from extreme migraines.
Prioritising your performance over your health is a sad existence and not a sustainable one either.
Also I’ll repeat for the 15th time.
Decent workplaces don’t behave like that.

Think *

@StClare101 if you want to carry this on please do privately.
It is comments like yours that cause other women to feel guilty for looking after themselves during pregnancy.
A woman literally posted on a thread yesterday she was feeling guilty and weak as she was at home with severe sickness and it’s because women write things like you have about businesses and male colleagues.
Stop tearing women down for symptoms they can’t control, as women we should do better.
Also maybe rather than shaming women if you’ve seen family and friends go through it you should try and help support change in those awful workplaces and actually do some good rather than telling women they have to behave like robots to keep themselves relevant whilst pregnant in the workplace.

Having had a previous loss, it's much nicer to tell people the good news and then the bad, rather than just bad. It's entirely up to you who you tell and there will be people you need or want to tell if you have a loss, work included, because you'll need time off. The first trimester is rotten and I find the attitude that women should hide away and not tell anyone routed in misogyny.

Your boss appears to be very unprofessional, the only concerns they should have about your pregnancy are whether they need to put extra H&S measures in place and how they will manage your maternity leave.

What on earth is 'being comfortable with the risk'?

Obviously, there's accepting it in your own mind, but why include the wider world in the uncertainty or aftermath?

@firsttimelondonmummy You are being very odd with all your talk of robots and growing humans. Bizarre in fact. I hope you don’t talk like that in the workplace. The cringe factor is just awful.

@StClare101 you are acting like women are robots and is so strange 😂 like you aren’t allowed to be sick or tired ‘must go to work, must perform, must hide pregnancy from men at work, work is life.’ 🤣
Thank god I don’t work for you or work for any companies that share your archaic views either.
I’m glad I’m well respected and getting support and not having to play pretend.
Also as @Pinkjellies rightly pointed out above ‘I find the attitude that women should hide away and not tell anyone routed in misogyny’.

@Curta ’aftermath’ what an awful way to describe a miscarriage.
I’m lucky I have a wonderful support network who would never refer to it as such.
I’m also glad I’ve told my work as they’ve been incredibly supportive and my boss has actually messaged since to apologise for the way it may have come across and to check I feel supported 😊

@Pinkjellies so sorry to hear that 💖
I wholeheartedly agree though, some very odd misogynistic people on this forum.

Also I’m not responding or reading any more messages on this thread.
Toxic and unhelpful replies are not what I posted for and I am done expending energy on keyboard warriors 😊👋🏻
Thanks to all those who’ve given constructive responses and a huge huge thanks to those who’ve given me support 💖

WTF do you think aftermath actually means, if you think it's an awful word to apply to miscarriage?

It literally covers how awful a miscarriage itself is and the trauma which can follow it; the word isn't inappropriate or minimising in any way.

Your ability to comprehend posts continues to be woeful. At no point have I said you should hide your pregnancy or that work is life or any of those ridiculous comments in your post. It’s interesting how quick you are to discount the experience of others, convinced it will never happen to you… but as I said earlier Pregnant then screwed exists for a reason.

I haven’t RTFT, so sorry if I’ve missed anything important, but I had to jump on and say I think it is absolutely fine that you told your work - you (and every woman) should feel able to tell whoever you like at whatever stage you like.

I had a MC at 6 weeks last year and only me and my DH knew I was pregnant. I ended up in A&E in the worst pain of my life (my body got completely carried away in its efficiency to end such an early pregnancy). I then had to email my boss (who is kinda a mate too) explaining I was in hospital, but ok, but also not that ok and would probably be off the next day too. I didn’t explain why I was in hospital as it felt too personal and awful to share. So I ended up feeling awkward and worried they’d think I was skiving, while also heartbroken. I also went back to work way too soon (2 days later), which really F’d me up mentally. I ended up having a little meltdown to my boss a few weeks later - turned out he had guessed ehat had happened, and he was incredibly supportive.

I also had to tell my mum that I’d been pregnant but MC’d, as she could tell something was up when I next spoke to her. I didn’t feel I could just call from the hospital and sob like I wanted to.

When I fell pregnant again a couple of months later I told my immediate family straight away. I told my boss at 12 weeks still but as he knew about my earlier MC by then I knew that if it happened again I would feel comfortable telling him and asking for the time I needed to heal.

That second pregnancy is now a very vocal and bouncy 9 month old 🙂

It’s your pregnancy and your body - don’t let anyone tell you how and when you should talk about it. Congratulations and all the best for a happy and healthy pregnancy and birth!

@Lowkeyloopy I’m so sorry to hear you went through that but so glad you have your wonderful 9 month old.
Thank you for reassuring me I made the right decision for me and that it’s ok to go with your own instinct.
There has been some not to kind posts on this thread and yours meant a lot x
Thank you so much for your congratulations also 💖

I had a third trimester loss last June and in that pregnancy (my first pregnancy), I told family and friends before 12 weeks, then announced to work and wider friendship groups and family after the 12 week scan. When my son passed away at 33 weeks I then felt obliged to put a Facebook post to protect myself and my husband from people asking if the baby had arrived etc.

I have just had our rainbow baby, and in this pregnancy I literally only told my extremely close family and friends due to fear of loss. I also knew that if things didn't work out then we would need the same support around us that helped us through the loss of our son. I only told others if I bumped into them and only when it became obvious with my bump.

I wish I didn't have the worries in my second pregnancy to have been able to share from the start again, but for me I felt I needed to protect myself and my family, should the worst happen again.

There's absolutely no right or wrong, it's whatever makes you happy. I do personally feel anxious when I hear pregnancy announcements at any stage of pregnancy now, but that's just because of my own experiences and I do worry for that individual as I would never want anyone to experience the loss of their child. However, I never share those anxieties as I understand they come from my experience of loss.

Good luck with the pregnancy OP 🙂

Tell whoever you want, OP. The not telling until 12 weeks is ridiculous in my opinion.

I didn't tell anyone other than my parents last pregnancy and had a missed miscarriage. So then I was telling everyone I'd lost my pregnancy which came out of the blue for people and made me feel a lot less supported.

This pregnancy I've told so many people straight away and have no regrets. It's my choice.

Tell whoever you want, just because you reach 12 weeks doesn't mean the pregnancy is safe. I've had losses at 14, 16 and 18 weeks along.

I have just found out that I’m pregnant approximately 4 weeks. I got married a few months ago and everyone had been asking when it will happen.
This is my first pregnancy at age 33, I know people will be so excited to know at work as I’ve always discussed that i would love to be a mum, especially as a children’s nurse, but do have this hesitation to do so before the 12 weeks.
so far I haven’t told anyone, which also is making me feel abit lonely

I told my mum and a few close friends recently when I was pregnant for a second time before 12 weeks. Unfortunately mine has ended in a missed miscarriage but the people I told have been very caring so I'm glad I did. I also told my boss when it happened to explain my absence and work has been very understanding.

I know my work team would be so excited, supportive. I haven’t seen my work colleagues since I found out as currently have COVID and been too poorly to work.
I plan to tell family At Christmas and have booked an early scan in on 22nd.
but I’m so excited to be pregnant, it’s just feeling abit scary and overwhelming.
im sorry about your loss but so glad that everyone was so kind about it.

I had ivf and my close family/ friends and boss knew I was going through it. So I told those people at about 4 weeks. Do whatever makes you comfortable. It's nobody else's business.

we have had many conversations in work about me wanting to start a family so I don’t think it would be a surprise for anyone, but just feel I need to tell someone ( other than my husband) but to make it feel real if that makes sense

No, but presumably you don’t want to either a) make a big “I’m no longer pregnant” announcement to the entire department, or b) have people congratuling you for weeks after you miscarried because they hadn’t heard on the grapevine.

I had a missed miscarriage picked up on my 13 weeks scan, and I was SO glad I didn’t have to go back and un-tell everyone. It was bad enough un-telling my boss and friends. I suspect OP’s boss has been in a similar predicament. Still inappropriate of her, but meant kindly.

Fine to tell work, especially HR and obviously people who see you legging it to throw up are better knowing it's pregnancy and not inconsiderately sharing a bug...

Oh behave.