Being shamed for telling people before 12 weeks, help!

[firsttimelondonmummy]

I really don’t get why it’s so taboo and you are made to feel awful if you tell people before 12 weeks if you are comfortable with it and the risks.
We understand we are at a higher risk of loosing our pregnancy given we are only nearly 8 weeks but we had a scan at 7 weeks and saw a heartbeat and I was really really struggling with exhaustion and so thought telling work cautiously (a select few) was the right thing to do.
Now my boss keeps telling me she thinks I’ve done the wrong thing and when we tell her we are comfortable with informing those people about the pregnancy and also comfortable telling them if we unfortunately don’t hold she says that’s disappointing and I’m being super negative about my pregnancy.
Feel like I can’t win and don’t understand why I’m being treated like this when it’s my decision and I feel comfortable sharing we are pregnant and also sharing if we did unfortunately didn’t hold.
We of course hope to hold and are wishing for a healthy happy baby but also trying to be realistic that unfortunately things can go wrong this early on.
Am I missing something? Am I being awful?

@firsttimelondonmummy thank you. I went on to have 3 kids. I am blessed. I am still glad I was open about my pregnancy and loss so early.

Your boss is out of order. It’s a personal choice when you tell people. I’m a nurse who gives chemo, which you can’t do when you are pregnant. The first time you say you can’t put chemo up, everyone knows! I agree that it’s adding to the shame of miscarriage. It’s essentially saying, if you lose this we don’t want to hear about it. Awful.

Exactly.

If you know you will be ok to talk about it if that worst happened then it's a none issue telling people early.

Some people might prefer to keep things quiet until later and not have the pressure of having to tell people about a potential loss.

Either is fine but it's certainly got bugger all to do with anyone else.

It’s a really annoying taboo, the way you are almost not allowed to tell people before 12 weeks. You are actually expected to lie about things like why you’re not drinking alcohol!
I remember telling some people early on and they seemed quite put out, and lectured us about miscarriages - in retrospect I can’t believe how tactless they were! Luckily all went well and she’s a teenager now.

Maybe she or someone she knows did this and then tragedy struck. I'm not trying to say that she isn't being out of order - she definitely is - but there may be a sad reason behind it.

The reason women are encouraged to not tell anyone before 12 weeks is because it makes people unsettled when you have to tell them you had a miscarriage. Because we're British and old fashioned and god forbid you have a situation people don't know how to deal with. When it actually happens to you, you need every bit of help you can get. Just another shit bit of living in a patriarchy.

I had three consecutive miscarriages before we had our son in June and fuck keeping it secret from anyone. Keeping a pregnancy quite should be a choice, not a command

Tell who you like, when you like. Congratulations petal.

@firsttimelondonmummy ignore that poster, I'm currently pg after a MC, absolutely am sharing it because I don't want to place myself in danger with getting assaulted at work so soon as I saw that line I told work. Also a 36 yo friend of mine is going through cancer treatment just now, we 2 years ago lost a 27 yo friend (group of mum friends) so there is a lot of fear, if anyone said she couldn't seek comfort, support and advice from people I don't know what I'd say. That post I found really upsetting.

Apologies for thread highjack!

When I was next pregnant after my loss, lots of people said I shouldn’t tell anyone. Why? So I could suffer and be isolated? Screw that, I told everyone about the next one the day of the pregnancy test. Glad I did as I was throwing up from week 6.

As someone who's had losses, thanks for your comment. You've hit the nail on the head xx

The thing is if the worst happens and you haven't told anyone- who can you talk too?!

I've been pregnant 7 times and had two healthy babies. When I had my miscarriages I just had to get on with it as no one knew I was pregnant. It left me feeling cold and alone.

Why is there such a taboo around this? We are letting women down by silencing them.

Another person I agree with 100 percent. Absolutely summed it up for me.

Your boss is way out of line. You can tell people whenever you like. The “rule” is just another way of keeping women silent.

OP you aren't missing anything or being unkind. Your boss however is being unreasonable. I'm in the even odder position I have had to tell my boss before our hopeful pregnancy as DH and I are going through an IVF cycle which due to logistics and access to special leave policies cannot be 'explained away' as vague hospital appointments.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it's a smooth journey for you 💕

@Smearywindowsagain I’m really sorry you’ve been through and I don’t know how you went through that without your work supporting you.
I really have realised how much strength women have through this forum 💖

Ignore her, you can tell who you like. I lost my first pregnancy and hadn't told many people, just my parents and two people at work. On the one hand it was good I didn't have to explain to too many people why I'd been off which would've been hard to do without crying actually it was equally hard to carry on as normal and deal with all the 'when are you going to have a baby?' Type comments. In retrospect I think it would have been better if others knew and could be sympathetic and supportive.

@Littlepaws18 I’m so sorry to hear this.
I would feel this way also and would need that support from work if anything was to happen.
Also it’s so sad to hear how many people went through it alone.
We need to stop feeling like we can’t talk about early pregnancy and miscarriage and get support if we need it 😞

I told close family and friends straight away in each pregnancy. I would have wanted support after any miscarriage and I was excited and happy!

In my first pregnancy a colleague and I revealed our pregnancies to each other at about 8 weeks as neither of us could stay with a patient when they were having an X-ray. In my second I told colleagues when I had to ring in sick just before a night shift as I was bleeding.

The only right time to tell anyone is when it feels right for you.

I told people early twice and miscarried twice, it was awkward for all involved.

@TheSilentPicnic agree!! 💖

@mrsmacmc thank you so much! Sending you all the sticky baby dust for your IVF journey ✨🌈

@WonderingWanda I’m so sorry to hear this!
Your point was my thought process for sharing as I feel I’d need the support from work.

@Teapleasebobb I’m really sorry to hear that and that you didn’t feel supported after and that it was awkward.
I do think their needs to be more training in the workplace around early pregnancy and miscarriage to ensure women feel supported.
We definitely shouldn’t feel like we have to stay silent.

I had to declare my pregnancy early as I worked with lead in some departments

@Ikeameatballs thats why I’ve shared with who I have.
Need support either way if I’m completely honest.
The exhaustion is real!
Hope all was ok with your second 💖

@Theunamedcat this is what confuses me.
Its seen as incredibly normal in jobs that work with or handle chemicals and then extremely taboo in those workplaces that don’t.
surely either way you want the safest work environment and maximum support…

I had such severe sickness I had to announce it way before 12 weeks! Can't see what the issue is tbh.

@firsttimelondonmummy 🤞🏻 ✨ thank you 🥰