Being shamed for telling people before 12 weeks, help!

[firsttimelondonmummy]

I really don’t get why it’s so taboo and you are made to feel awful if you tell people before 12 weeks if you are comfortable with it and the risks.
We understand we are at a higher risk of loosing our pregnancy given we are only nearly 8 weeks but we had a scan at 7 weeks and saw a heartbeat and I was really really struggling with exhaustion and so thought telling work cautiously (a select few) was the right thing to do.
Now my boss keeps telling me she thinks I’ve done the wrong thing and when we tell her we are comfortable with informing those people about the pregnancy and also comfortable telling them if we unfortunately don’t hold she says that’s disappointing and I’m being super negative about my pregnancy.
Feel like I can’t win and don’t understand why I’m being treated like this when it’s my decision and I feel comfortable sharing we are pregnant and also sharing if we did unfortunately didn’t hold.
We of course hope to hold and are wishing for a healthy happy baby but also trying to be realistic that unfortunately things can go wrong this early on.
Am I missing something? Am I being awful?

Really odd reaction from your boss. I have a history of mc but told my work at 7 weeks because the sickness had already started up and I knew how bad it would get. They’ve made adjustments for me and I wasn’t going to soldier on and make myself feel worse. Boss was very supportive and my superior said she told them early too when she was pregnant so she could be supported and not have to hide. Really unprofessional and superstitious from your boss. I would prob mention to HR so it’s logged.

Most employers are clever enough to avoid this by pinning it on other things. It’s just the reality of how it plays out. Anyone thinking that they can stop performing and still get promoted because pregnant is kidding themselves.

Im not saying it’s right.

You don’t always have the choice if you are sprinting out the office to throw up every 20 minutes by week 4.
If not I would only tell my mum and DH parents before 12 weeks (and tell them not to blab) haha

You might just be pissing people off by saying shit like "we are pregnant". There's no we, it's not a joint state. You are pregnant, he is not.

This is one of my pet hates, being told not to tell anyone until 12weeks. And to not speak about shameful miscarriages before then. If I miscarry, I want support from the people who I told about the pregnancy!

Isn’t that support from your friends and family though? As it happens some of my colleagues are my good friends but I wouldn’t expect those who are a professional relationship only to support me. Why put that burden on them?

We told immediate family (parents & siblings) at about 5 weeks because we happened to be seeing them all and thought they’d guess anyway. Someone made a comment about it being too early as if telling people would jinx it. But we decided we’d want their support if we were to miscarry. Turns out I got HG and was hospitalised several times from a few weeks later, and it was a relief then that family already knew and could support us. It meant I had to tell work sooner too.

I think there should be less pressure to keep it secret until 12 weeks, as that must feel quite isolating especially when the first trimester symptoms can be brutal! But ultimately it’s up to each couple/individual to decide and we should stop shaming people for whatever decision they make!

Sorry to hear this has been your experience @firsttimelondonmummy . I have told one work colleague- an absolutely trustworthy and discreet woman. I work closely with her and it is a huge comfort that someone in work knows and can jump in for tasks that aren't suitable for me (doesn't increase her workload, these would be rare) or even just the little nod and smile in the mornings. Other than that, we have only told our parents. Telling your boss should have had this effect for you and I'm so sorry it didn't 😟

@Fattoushi I always say I’m pregnant when I announce. I’ve talked about we for the purpose of the forum as we are pregnant.
Takes two to make a baby and I’ll be involving my partner at every stage.
This is as much his baby as mine and I would never take that away from him.
I couldn’t have done this without him, he’s been an incredible support.
When I’m tired he’s making food, washing up, walking the dog and doing the housework.
When I’m up in the night to wee he’s up and when I need water in the night he gets it.
He may not be growing the baby inside him but he’s certainly sharing a big change in life 😊

@StClare101 just to echo again your employer sounds awful! I really would find a new job if your company behaves that way.
I also think you are peddling a really damaging narrative.
In the last year my company has hired someone at 6 months pregnant for a senior role and another woman has been promoted whilst on maternity leave.
Please stop feeding the narrative you have to hide your pregnancy to get promoted as it’s simply not true in decent companies.

@NoDoor agreed!!!

@StClare101 it sounds like you have a very rigid relationship with your place of work.
You spend more than half of your week at work, you shouldn’t be expected to behave like a robot during that time.
Thankfully in my company those days are long gone.
I’ve seen my company show compassion beyond required to employees for a number of things (personal injury, family loss, mental health issues, sabbatical leave facilitation).
This is honestly the first time I’ve been shocked by a reaction to something and it was only one person of the 5 I’ve told in work.
Everyone has asked how they can help take some pressure off, if there’s anything I need and told me to take it easy whilst I hopefully grow a human.
I’ve earned my stripes in this company and also learnt it’s normal to be human and I actually respect those who share personal stories and don’t behave like a machine.
I love that we are like a big family.

@PepeParapluie sorry to hear you got HG severely but really glad you had some support!

Agree it should be up to you and not some archaic unspoken rule!

@StClare101 asking this not in a rude way but out of curiosity, are you 50+?
The advice you are giving is the same advice I was given by my mum and dad who never had positive pregnancy work place stories but my step mum who’s a lot younger discussed with me that she was promoted pregnant and has had subsequent promotions throughout her pregnancies.
I do believe things have changed a lot in the workplace in the last 10 years.

Reread my post. Of course women can and do get promoted when pregnant. I’ve not said otherwise. But not when their performance drops. You say above you are taking it easy. It doesn’t bode well. Pregnancy is not a disability and the protections afforded to you don’t mean you can use your pregnancy as an excuse not to fulfill your duties unless those duties are unsafe for a pregnant person to complete (in which case safe duties must be offered).

I’ve not said anywhere you should hide your pregnancy, just that I don’t understand expecting people you have only a professional relationship with to be your support network in the case of miscarriage. That’s what my friends and family are for.

I told work at 10 weeks with my first pregnancy, I'm 9 weeks now but probably waiting on the first scan now. I swear I look about 4 months gone by the end of the day with all the bloating though! Everyone is different and I don't see the harm in telling people earlier if you want to.

@StClare101 I’m sorry but that’s a ridiculous thing to say and I’m glad my work family don’t think like that.
They understand you are growing a new life and with that comes severe exhaustion, nausea, sickness.
I said they told me to take it easy I didn’t say I have been.
Please stop speaking for how things bode when you don’t know me 😂
Things are actually great for me in my company right now and I can’t wait to see what my deservedly successful future hopefully holds when all being well I have my baby 😁
No one needs robots in their companies.
We are long past those days thankfully!

@blebbleb the bloating is real.
Flat tummy who? 😭

@StClare101 also regarding work support.
You get a week off for the death of grandparents in my business I would expect the same if I lost a child and that I wouldn’t need to lie to them and tell them why I was taking time off.
Again we aren’t robots and modern workplaces are actually pretty great at not treating you so.

I told certain people before 12 weeks. The first being my boss (I work with chemicals so I needed to tell her so that she knew I couldn't work with certain ones). It meant that most if not of my colleagues realised, due to me not doing certain things! I did have a couple of bleeds early on. My employer knew why I was off sick then, having emergency scans. I was always comfortable with them knowing to be honest. My mum found out I was pregnant because I started crying (because i was worried about the bleeding) and needed her support. Luckily, despite the bleeds, all was well and I have my baby boy.
If you're comfortable with people knowing, if you were to lose it, I don't see why they have an issue. It's your choice.

You’ve disclosed your pregnancy is impacting your performance several times in this thread, and that it is impacting the workload you are able to take on. So are you taking on less work or not?

Saying that you feel shamed tells me you are overly dramatic and saying you are working less tells me you’ll be a pain in the arse from now on. Stop talking about your pregnancy and focus on your work. It’s not anyone else’s priority.

@StClare101 thank god you don’t work in my company 😂
Must be awful to work with someone like you who thinks like that.
I’m actually one of the highest performers in my company and have been for the last 3 years.
My performance is usually significantly over target but am I killing myself when I’m pregnant absolutely not, I don’t fancy causing myself a miscarriage through stress and exhaustion.
It’s funny you know it’s always weirdly women who bring other women down in the work place.
I’ve not had one man say a single negative thing.
Actually the opposite that it’s amazing I’m growing a human and often they’ve seen the super strength it took their wives/ partners to do and I’m being ordered to take care of myself as the first priority in my life now should be my baby.
Fortunately modern workplaces take into account historical performance and don’t expect you to be a robot when your growing a new life 😊

@LT2 agreed 😊
So glad to hear all ended well also and you have a wonderful baby boy 💙

I told people fairly soon but alot of them clocked it when I stopped drinking alcohol (even though I was being discreet). You tell people when you feel like it, I "announced" it at the 12 week scan. However I felt like shit at work with sickness so wanted my boss to know why I was up and down from my desk too from 7 weeks. I just kind of told alot of people as and when I felt like it, lots of people close to me knew I'd been TTC for months anyway.

People shaming you for not hiding your pregnancy when you don't want to can get to fuck. X

But he's not pregnant, is he? Theres no WE possible in pregnancy.

@firsttimelondonmummy I wonder if your boss is coming from a place of past loss?

I told my close friends and family immediately with my first and a friend a work just 'knew' and kept pestering me so I eventually gave in and confirmed so she, and the head of my school knew from around 6 weeks. Luckily, that worked out and DS is 3.

With our second pregnancy, I told close family again right away and then lost the pregnancy at 5 weeks which was just devastating.

So, when we found out we were pregnant again the following month, we kept it very hush - even from close family. The expectation and pressure from other people knowing just didn't seem worth it. We told them at around 9 weeks and am
glad we waited. I've not announced to anyone else and don't plan to do so until at least 12 weeks (work will find out more like 16-18 weeks).

Sorry I've written sn essay but my point is, so what you feel comfortable with at the time. I don't think your boss is saying what she has out of spite, probably just knows all too well what a devastating experience a loss is and having to tell people.