Being shamed for telling people before 12 weeks, help!

[firsttimelondonmummy]

I really don’t get why it’s so taboo and you are made to feel awful if you tell people before 12 weeks if you are comfortable with it and the risks.
We understand we are at a higher risk of loosing our pregnancy given we are only nearly 8 weeks but we had a scan at 7 weeks and saw a heartbeat and I was really really struggling with exhaustion and so thought telling work cautiously (a select few) was the right thing to do.
Now my boss keeps telling me she thinks I’ve done the wrong thing and when we tell her we are comfortable with informing those people about the pregnancy and also comfortable telling them if we unfortunately don’t hold she says that’s disappointing and I’m being super negative about my pregnancy.
Feel like I can’t win and don’t understand why I’m being treated like this when it’s my decision and I feel comfortable sharing we are pregnant and also sharing if we did unfortunately didn’t hold.
We of course hope to hold and are wishing for a healthy happy baby but also trying to be realistic that unfortunately things can go wrong this early on.
Am I missing something? Am I being awful?

@Fattoushi I think it’s archaic to think like that.
I couldn’t do this without him and WE are in this pregnancy together.
There would be no baby without him WE created this baby 😊
He has a baby on the way and so do I all being well.
I tell people I am pregnant or that we are expecting a baby dependant if it’s work or family.
Lets not diminish anyone’s role in pregnancy, there’s no need 😁

@PrinnyPree YES 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@tickticksnooze Having what "put on them"? The response when someone tells you they're pregnant should be "congratulations". Absolutely nothing else is required of you. What a totally ridiculous attitude.

Congratulations @firsttimelondonmummy and sorry you seem to be encountering such weird responses.

@B1993 completely understand that and I’m so sorry you’ve experienced loss.

If she is coming from a place of experience I’m so sorry that she had to experience that but I do believe it is up to each individual what they feel is best for them x

@SirCharlesRainier thank you so much!
Honestly some of the responses are baffling 😂
Supposedly I’m never getting a promotion, I’m an awful human for telling my work and only I am pregnant my partner has no part in this pregnancy as it’s in my belly🤣

@firsttimelondonmummy, as I said do what you feel comfortable with at the time and if you feel comfortable sharing, that's your decision! There's no rule book when it comes to pregancy and parenting so we're all just muddling through and doing our best, aren't we?! So, no judgement here!! 😊

I was just trying to offer my perspective though as I've been on both sides of announcing early and things been fine, and doing it and they haven't. If I'm honest, it's hard to know how that feels unless you've been there and sincerely hope you don't ever have experience it! 💔

My boss was the first to know (after DH), my morning sickness started at 4 weeks and I was late for a meeting so I told her the truth about why. She was nothing but positive and supportive. Your boss is being silly.

How ridiculous!! I've just had a chemical pregnancy and I'm glad I told my sister and friend (who has had recurring miscarriages) as I've needed someone to talk about it with.

I understand why some people want to wait till the 12 weeks, and I always thought I would too, but that's their personal choice.

I felt like my pregnancy was just as important and real as someone else's pregnancy that unfortunately ended at 7/8/12 weeks or continued in to a healthy baby at the end of 40 weeks

@B1993 no judgement at all if you decide to tell or not 100% we are all doing our best.

Appreciate your perspective and I really hope I don’t have to experience it either and don’t know how mammas do it and try again.
Women are truly incredible.
If I was to unfortunately face it I do I hope I have support at work to take the time I need xx

@Babooshka1991 thank you 🙏🏻x

@overthinkersanonnymus i’m so sorry to hear that.
You are absolutely right your pregnancy was absolutely as important and real and you should be given the space to grieve and have support as such 💔

I feel comfortable sharing we are pregnant
Your DP/DH isn't pregnant, you are.

Convention is to wait 12 weeks. Usually you can tell if a colleague is pregnant before then.If you told your boss, that's ok. I would not announce it in general until after 12 weeks

@KirstenBlest it was also once conventional to stay at home if you were a mum.
I’m glad times have changed and you can now choose if you want to be a stay at home mum or work.
Sometimes conventions are outdated and this one is for me.
Also there is no pregnancy without WE 😊
Very lonely way to think about pregnancy too! WE are expecting a baby and couldn’t be happier to share the journey together even with all the WE haters 🥳🥳🥳💖💖💖✨✨✨✨

@KirstenBlest I respect if people want to tell, I respect if they don’t.
I respect if people want to be a stay at home parent, I respect if they don’t.
I respect if people say I am pregnant I respect if people say we are expecting.
My partner made this baby with me and has been with me 100% of the way and I couldn’t care personally do this without him ❤️
Its hard being a parent/ prospective parent.
Everyone has an opinion and often an unhelpful and nasty one.
Being kind costs nothing and everyone is doing their best 😊💖✨

Also to clarify by prospective I mean TTC I believe everyone at any stage of pregnancy is a parent 💖

Congratulations. You boss is a twat.

@SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain 😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣 this cracked me up hahahah

@SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain thank you for your congrats too 🥰

Your DP/DH is not pregnant, convention or not, unless he/she has a foetus incubating inside his/her womb. It's not a lonely way to think about it, I find it a bit ignorant of biology to say that men are pregnant.
I agree that it takes two to create a pregnancy. and that you are both expecting.

Convention is one thing, but generally you don't tell someone, and if you suspect someone is pregnant, you don't ask, until they announce it.

It might be just me, but most mothers I have known worked, although many worked part-time.

I didn't even know I was pregnant until 10.5 weeks. Felt a bit tired and thirsty, little bit light headed at points but just thought I was unwell. I was travelling all over the country working long hours. I didn't need workload relief and that wasn't me not putting the safety of my baby first.
You need what you need.
My boss at work has had a still birth and a number of early miscarriages I know because I know her outside of work and we worked elsewhere together before. Most people in the current team won't know. She might not be able to be the one to offer that support and hearing a pregnancy announcement so early might be challenging for her.
If you needed to tell your boss because of H&S issues so be it, but you seem to only be thinking about you in this scenario.

@KirstenBlest we are expecting means you are both expecting a baby.
We both created this baby and so I prefer to include him in conversations.

I’m full time and will continue to be so after pregnancy as I am the bread winner.
Im just glad I can have such honest conversations with my work and have early conversations about my progression and needs.
Glad I don’t have to hide it and be conventional and that for the most part I’ve had incredible support as they have seen my value and business contribution 😊

@RewildingAmbridge who else is there to think about? It's her baby and her body and although I understand that people are devastated by losses, why should she not be excited and announce she's expecting? Whether it's for practical reasons or not?

Most people, including myself, who have experienced losses, don't begrudge other women having babies. Pregnancy loss can and does happen beyond 12 weeks. If that was to happen, should she just keep quiet about that because it might upset someone she works with? Im sure if anyone loses their pregnancy, they don't really care what anyone else thinks.

@RewildingAmbridge I’m thinking of the safety of my baby.
Shockingly it is ok to be selfish sometimes and to want to take care of yourself, especially when you are trying to safely grow a new life.

Also that’s great for you but not the case for most women who do have symptoms that affect their work abilities and have to tell work due to feeling debilitated.

I’m sorry your boss went through that, that is awful and I wouldn’t wish anyone to go through that.
If I did know my boss had been through something like that I would be mindful of the way I shared my news but it wouldn’t stop me from sharing knowing I was struggling.
As a bosses you have be prepared to support your reports even if it’s through something difficult for you.
I haven’t gone through miscarriage so can’t speak to that but I’ve lost a lot of people to cancer and currently have a relative fighting.
If I was a manager I wouldn’t expect someone in work to hide their cancer experiences from me for fear it would trigger me.
I’d want them to know that even though it may be difficult for me I’d be there to support as I understand you need support around you when family members are going through a cancer fight.

@overthinkersanonnymus This 👏🏻
I don’t get why it’s so taboo to want to take care of yourself and to make work as safe and manageable as possible.
Also exactly like you said why I can’t share if I want to.

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced loss and I do believe if I did I would be like you and support others pregnancies and not begrudge women who fell pregnant. 💖

I think you suffer from internalised misogyny to be frank. Many, many women have “grown a human” before you and have still managed to perform because women are extremely capable. You seem to think very little of us as a sex class.

Playing into your male colleagues’ narrative of being fragile and needy won’t help you, or the rest of us, in the long run.

You talk about women tearing other women down and making assumptions but the only person doing that is you. Im nowhere near 50 by the way, but nevertheless I’ve witnessed family and friends made redundant while pregnant, while on parental leave etc. No discrimination case to be made because companies are clever.

Pregnant then screwed exists for a reason. One of the worst times for a woman’s job security is when she is pregnant, is on parental leave or has young children. All employers are nice employers until they’re not. Do whatever you need to outside of work to get rest and sleep so you go on parental leave having had a great performance year. Letting your performance slip before a period leave is a looming professional disaster.

But I guess you’ll go on believing that you will never be one of the women that gets fucked over by their workplace, and that pregnancy discrimination doesn’t exist anymore.