Being shamed for telling people before 12 weeks, help!

[firsttimelondonmummy]

I really don’t get why it’s so taboo and you are made to feel awful if you tell people before 12 weeks if you are comfortable with it and the risks.
We understand we are at a higher risk of loosing our pregnancy given we are only nearly 8 weeks but we had a scan at 7 weeks and saw a heartbeat and I was really really struggling with exhaustion and so thought telling work cautiously (a select few) was the right thing to do.
Now my boss keeps telling me she thinks I’ve done the wrong thing and when we tell her we are comfortable with informing those people about the pregnancy and also comfortable telling them if we unfortunately don’t hold she says that’s disappointing and I’m being super negative about my pregnancy.
Feel like I can’t win and don’t understand why I’m being treated like this when it’s my decision and I feel comfortable sharing we are pregnant and also sharing if we did unfortunately didn’t hold.
We of course hope to hold and are wishing for a healthy happy baby but also trying to be realistic that unfortunately things can go wrong this early on.
Am I missing something? Am I being awful?

I've always thought this!

It is your news to share as, when and how you wish!! Congratulations ❤️
I hate that miscarriage is so taboo - it happens, it’s heartbreaking, and people deal with it in different ways. I’ve always thought it’s down to the individual to decide and balance sharing of good news vs support through any potential bad news. People are different, of course, but I think the arbitrary 12 week ‘rule’ should be either redundant, or self enforced, absolutely not for anyone, least of all your boss, to enforce on you.

As an aside, I work for an enormous company, one of the UK’s largest employers. Recently a lady I work with announced her pregnancy the day she found out, and very sadly miscarried a couple of weeks later. Because she was so open (& so bloody lovely), it triggered an avalanche of “that happened to us, too” and we now have a corporate early pregnancy support group, with thousands of people, male and female, giving and getting support. Who could argue against that outcome?

Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy OP! X

Are you serious? She’s hardly sat there with a big neon sign at her desk saying she’s pregnant and gloating about it. She’s told her boss because it was affecting her performance. Presumably if she does lose the pregnancy - and touch wood she won’t and everything will progress healthily - she would have a quiet conversation in a private room with people who needed to know. As for your previous “it’s not all about you”, it literally could not be more all about her. Her pregnancy, her choice. Other people’s feelings don’t trump that. Nobody has a right to go through life never encountering anything they find difficult or upsetting.

@Macaroni46 neither can I if I’m honest.
Also stops people wondering why you aren’t operating at 100% in work!

I don't think it was a case of not being supported, it was just that I had told friends and family and they were excited, we were excited and then the next time I saw them, inevitably the conversation would turn to the pregnancy and I'd have to then tell them about the miscarriage, so therefore having to relay the same conversation to people lots of times and I felt crap and they felt bad and it just could all have been avoided had I waited for my 12 week scan, but that was my experience, I know they aren't all the same.
Congratulations to you though op 

Welcome to mothering! Everything you do, and will ever do, will now be wrong!! 😂Don't worry, you'll soon learn to ignore the haters - 99.9% of the time anyone being really confrontational and difficult about your parenting choices will be dealing with some issue or other of their own. In the meantime you'll have your lovely baby to play with and cuddle, how exciting!!

@RainLover omg that is amazing!!!! She must have felt so supported and like her pregnancy had such purpose 😭💖
I honestly think that’s so amazing I’m going to mention it to my HR team.

@TedMullins 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Yes just yes.

@Teapleasebobb I’m really sorry you had to go through that 😔
I do feel though that I still won’t feel I have a 100% progression chance at 12 weeks.
As you say there’s so many different experiences.
@HeyHeyHeyyyyy posted earlier that she sadly miscarried at 23 weeks 😔. My auntie sadly miscarried at 21 and I’ve seen a number of posters saying they miscarried after 12 on this forum.
If I was to unfortunately miscarry (we are hoping for a sticky one 🤞🏼💖) I personally know I would definitely need the support.

@QS90 keeping our fingers crossed for a sticky 🤞🏼💖

Also @QS90 its the food shaming on forums for me 😭
I’d love to see how many people actually cook 7 days a week and bake their own healthy cookies.
I’m exhausted daily.
I’m lucky if I can pour a bowl of cereal most evenings 😭

If being pregnant affects your performance so badly you need to tell your boss, you can kiss that promotion goodbye. They’ll tag you as a troublemaker and pain in the arse and see this as the first of many excuses. It’s the way it is. Stop talking about it. Trust me.

2nd pregnancy we announced it before the 12 week scan to family on boxing day and started bleeding the day before my 12 week scan. Third pregnancy only my husband and medical professionals knew which led to an awkward conversation with my boss from the early pregnancy unit telling her I wouldn't be in as was having another miscarriage. I wish we had told some people as telling people I wasn't pregnant anymore was easier than telling people I was pregnant but wasn't any longer.
It is up to you when you tell people.

Pregnancy is a protected characteristic if you disclose a pregnancy and then that impacts promotion that's discrimination and you can take your employer to tribunal.

For the social and emotional impact of not telling anyone I would reread this post.

Lol almost no-one will cook a healthy, from-scratch meal 7 days whilst feeling like death and also working (and a lot of women in the first trimester won't be keeping much of anything down). You know how people put their best pics on fb so their lives look incredible, when they're probably just up and down like everyone else's? Anything to do with parenting (especially being a mother ime) is like that on steroids a lot of the time, because so many women feel so much pressure to be "perfect". It's a load of nonsense. Real, imperfect people have raised children since forever, and we seem to be doing okay as a species. Cereal can be a delicious tea.

Yes 🤞for a sticky one.

I think your manager is being inappropriate. Women often choose not to tell because they don't want to have the difficult conversation if it doesn't work or let people know that they might be on leave soon. But pregnancy isn't just happy baby news, it's an enormous toll on the body. Any other condition that made you vomit for 3 months straight and fatigued every day, it would be standard to inform work. If manager brings it up again try and paint it from the perspective of being transparent about your own health, rather than as announcing a baby.

This though is a bit silly: Didn’t your parents teach you about not saying anything if it wasn’t nice or constructive? You asked a question, you can't be annoyed at answers that you don't like just because they're not nice!

@StClare101
What an awful company you must work for if they behave like that! I would suggest getting out of there ASAP!
My big boss actually said the opposite 😊 gave me a huge congrats hug, asked if I’m still looking for the same new role or did I want to look at other roles now also.
Additionally asked me what support I needed at this time and told me to not worry about anything and let me know if I need any of my workload picking up.
The way a company should behave and why I’ve stayed here so long (through numerous promotions 😊)

@Essexgirlupnorth I’m so sorry to hear that 💖
Hopefully your story will encourage others to open up about early pregnancy so they have the support (work and other) they need if the worst does happen 😔💔

@QS90 agreed!
Thankfully I’ve not had any sickness yet (although this has worried me in equal parts) the anxiety never ends 🙈
Ado let’s not even get into BMI… at 10 stone 10 5’5 and a size 8/10 if I put on 1lb I’m classed as overweight 😭 (definitely not putting myself on a diet).
Smoothies have been a godsend for getting some daily goodness in and cereal a godsend for those exhausted nights when my OH is at work.
Certainly not stopping myself enjoying some sweet stuff when I’m craving though. 😋
Sugar shame is real 😭

@DarkShade answers that are simply a nasty opinion on someone’s feelings are pointless.
Telling someone you feel they are being dramatic isn’t in any way offering advice and simply going to often upset the person.
I don’t quite understand this keyboard warrior generation.
As I mentioned my parents did always teach me if it wasn’t nice or constructive then why am I bothering to say it.
This has always served me well throughout my life.
I say things that people might disagree with if it has a constructive element but I never feel the need to personally attack a stranger and name call them.
Not in my nature to be honest.

I'm very much of the opinion that you tell the people you want to tell when you want to tell them. One of the reasons for that is absolutely what you've demonstrated on the thread - if things are going south at work because of pg symptoms then you need people to know what you need and how to support you. The other is that if, god forbid, things go wrong then you aren't having to start from the very beginning and go through the range of emotions with your people.

Your boss is being super inappropriate.

@MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard I really don’t know how people go to an office 9-5 and cope.
I’ve never had exhaustion like it.
Woke up this morning feeling like I’d competed in an iron man 😭
How people work at capacity feeling like that baffles me!

I hope you start to feel a bit better too - and I meant to say congratulations on your news!

@MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard Thank you so much 💖