17 and pregnant

[G7yaia]

I recently found out I’m pregnant. It’s a total shock and is my own fault for not being on any contraception (I was on the pill but made me depressed). Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly a year he is a few moths younger than me but turned 17 this year too. I have always said I would never want a kid and he agreed. My mum knows and she is being very supportive and saying whatever decision I make she will support me. My boyfriends first reaction was to get rid of it. I’ve spoken about it to him since and he says he doesn’t want to speak about it. Which is very childish of him he is lovely and has never hurt me he does nothing but love me. I have decided that I’m going to keep it, I can’t go through with an abortion but my mind does keep changing. The reasons to get rid outweighs the reasons to keep. I will be 18 by the time I have the baby. I left school and had a year off due to not knowing what I want to do I’ve recently gone back to college to do a 2 year course then hopefully go to uni. But now I know it’s not going to be that easy. He is doing a 2 year course too. His family will not be as happy as my mum and he is begging me to get rid as his family will ‘kick him out’ I’ve told him I’ll do this with or without you. My head is just really all over the place, this doesn’t feel real. I just need some advice. I’ve already heard a million times from friends that I won’t be able to live my life and so on my mum had me at 17 so I’ve heard all of this. Now my mum has a better social life than me 😂. I do enjoy going out with my friends and know I will miss out on a lot but I also can’t bear to go through with an abortion I really struggle with my mental health and I feel like this baby will give me a purpose in life. Maybe I am not ready but I have a good support system and don’t want to get rid just because my boyfriend wants me to that will only end up in me hating him. He says whatever I choose he will support me but he obviously would prefer if I don’t keep it. I just don’t know I feel so empty right now and need advice ☹️

Why are you detailing this thread?

Its totally disrespectful to OP and all the posters who have offered sensible advice

fuck off and start your own thread if you want a debate

My comments are not being disrespectful to the OP nor are they aimed at the OP. The OP is her own person who can decide how she wishes to proceed.

I am also not looking for a debate, however ILoveMyBedTooMuch please don't tell me that it's not an unborn child and expect no comment.

@MolliciousIntent If it’s not a baby what are you concerned about then?
If it is only a baby at the point of birth then you, OP nor anyone else needs to give any consideration, in any capacity, until then.

You do realise being pro choice is about autonomous choice don’t you? So in simple terms OP has the right to choose.
She chose so that’s that.

Is there not anyone you could belittle & condemn face to face or is this your happy place?

@MolliciousIntent - I noticed that you didn't respond to NHS link showing that in fact the baby is fully formed at 12 weeks.

Seriously give it a rest

You sound like a total loon

Thankyou!

Thanks for the support girl most people on here aren’t considering as days have gone on my boyfriend has definitely become more supportive and has now told his mum who was shocked at first but now has accepted it. Me and him also both have a job so we aren’t going to be rich but will definitely make it by if I do choose to keep! Thanks for your kind words it does make me feel so much better ❤️

Thanks for all the advice on here good and bad. As the days have gone by my boyfriend has told his mum and has definitely become more supportive, I couldn’t care less if he left me or stayed as at the end of the day it is my child and it will ultimately be me dealing with it for the rest of my life. I have a job not amazing but £8 an hour which is great for my age and I can pick up as many shifts as I like, all this will obviously go into savings. I know all my money will end up being spent on an child. My boyfriend also has a job! Some people on here think because we are young and because of one comment he made which I would of made too in his situation that he will leave me and isn’t going to help at all sorry but none of you know our relationship and he is genuinely amazing and even if we don’t work I know he would still be a great dad we have spoke much about this and yes he has said he will be there and never leave me ( only time will tell). I won’t be relying on my mum for income but of course she may need to help me out every now and then which she has already said she will do, ive told her I do not want to rely on anyone else as it’s all my responsibility. My mum had me at 17 as I already said but she was with an alcoholic and in and out of homeless shelters. She had it rough and didn’t have her own mum to support her so I don’t think she would be so understanding and happy to become a grandma if she wasn’t ready to support me, she knows what’s to come. As someone said she will grow to hate me 🤣.My mum isn’t going to just let me scrounge off of her and not do anything for myself. Living situation we are moving after Christmas to a bigger house and hopefully by the time the child is a toddler I will be moving out if we think realistically. I did say I feel like the child will give me purpose yes it’s very selfish of me but that’s just how I feel! By purpose I generally mean motivation to do things like go to work have a routine things I find really hard to do. And yes maybe my mental health could become worse after the child and I will find it even harder but maybe I won’t! Only time can tell but I know if I do keep this child I will do my absolute best and to some of you that might not be enough. My child might not have the best of toys or materialist stuff until I work my way up when I do go to uni and and maybe love isn’t enough as some of you say. But my mum didn’t always have enough to get us the newest stuff but she made sure we was always fed clean and Loved. My mum has her own business a masters degree and the memories she has given us I remember more than the newest stuff. We are always on holiday rather than having the nicest and biggest house. It’s not all about what you can afford or how am I going to own a house let’s be honest I know many people who break their back at work and can’t even afford a deposit on a house in times like this. Yes it’s probably ideal to have all these things for an easier life for my child and give it the best start I’m aware of all these things. I do have experience with children I helped with my siblings and still do when I can so my mum can work and have a social life too, also another reason my mum will definitely help me we have grown up together! So yes I’m still decisive but if I do keep this child I will get along. Thanks for the advice and some of you people need to remember it could happen to your child and that I am a person behind your screen who is already feeling so shit right now. There is a nicer way to go about things 🙄. And whatever path I take I do have the support system to help. It was easy for me to say I’ll just get an abortion but when your actually pregnant it’s not as easy as that!

That’s fair enough but that’s the truth. There is not a situation on this earth where I could pretend to my 17 year old that having a baby is a good idea or a sensible option, if they still went ahead I would obviously support them but no way would I even pretend I thought it was a good idea because quite frankly, it isn’t

Oh, you sweet summer child. ..

I aborted at aged 21 so quite a bit older than you are now. I've never regretted it because the man was a useless boyfriend let alone a father. I have occasionally thought about how old the child would be and how different my life would be but my life would have been SO much worse. I didn't have enough money, I didn't have support from the man and it would have disrupted my career which is good now. I think you have to think very realistically about the picture will be if you have this child. Money is a massive factor in having children. Good luck in whatever you decide. You will be okay x

This thread is in places, the worst of judgemental Mumsnet. How dare people tell the OP to get an abortion and that she has nothing to offer a baby. Yes, she is young but that doesn’t mean she can’t care for a baby and improve her life and chances along the way. Good luck @G7yaia , yes it’s not ideal timing but I had mine at 33 and that wasn’t ideal timing either. Take care of yourself and plan ahead as much as possible. 😃

@Sallyh87 completely agree. It saddens me to think someone has reached out on here to older women and been greeted with some of this judgement. Like the 1950s.

Yes but she did ask for an opinion so that's what you get and yes "older women" know the realities and the likelihoods unlike some young women who are unable to deal with this without help from families and the taxpayer.

I would not hold out hope of the relationship with the BF lasting the course, but then there are plenty of divorces among people who entered into relationships and parenthood in the sensible order (university, career, relationship, house, dog, children, two cars progressing to all tits up). And there are lots of well qualified adults holding down important jobs who are terrible parents.

I have a lot of friends from school who thought they could have it all - career, relationship, children. Some regret putting TTC off until their mid to late 30s. Some were lucky.

If your mum is really behind you and can give you a realistic and positive model of juggling the demands of baby/toddler/children plus working and getting decent qualifications, then do it.

But please investigate what has been holding you back from feeling motivated and getting your life together up to now. You can't run away from problems and there is no magic solution to the issues you have alluded to.

Follow your instinct which appears to be telling you to keep the baby. You will make it work. I went to school with a girl that had a baby at 16 and she is very happy and now has 2 other children. Good luck x

Good luck OP. Wishing you all the best

@Sallyh87 i am an older woman Sally. My point is that perhaps we could be more mindful of some of the sweeping generalisations and self esteem knocking statements being thrown about.

tax payer comment is very telling.

Apologies @Sallyh87 , the above was for @ILoveMyBedTooMuch

I think perhaps there's some harsh comments that seemed to have rattled and caused OP upset.

I commented early on.... on a scale of probability people are advising you won't be with your BF. It's completely different for the woman I'm 31 and dating with a child is not easy. I think you are naive people are giving you some good advice (tough love).

A mans life doesn't really change as such.. Read all the threads about wome moaning about their DH not helping enough.

Also children ask for their dad..... again I'm a grown woman and although I grew up with my dad on and off as a child (complex story) it saddens me I don't see my dad....

Exactly. I think we are too quick to say it’s all ok and to do what you want, obviously the ultimate decision lies with the person who is pregnant but actually, it’s Important to be honest. No way is it a good idea for a 17 year old who has no income or a tiny income, with a 17 year old boyfriend who also has no income to have a baby. 17 year olds are children and are still growing and developing: their brains are not yet mature. They have no money, have never lived away from home and have no peer group of parents.

There is nothing wrong in pointing this out. It’s not an ideal situation to raise and support a child and yes I absolutely would be very blunt with my child about this. Most 17 year olds would need considerable input from either a parent or input from external agencies and financial support from the government once they reach 18. That’s the reality: obviously there will be outliers who manage to break out from this and there’s no harm in being honest; if they’re grown up enough to have a baby they are grown up enough to hear the the reality

Obviously if they go ahead with a pregnancy then they’d get my support but as parents we can’t beat around the bush and have to tell them as it is.

@Holidaydreamingagain okay let's not exggerate here external agencies? Come on that's a bit far. My mum had me at 17 and then my DB at 20. 10 years later she had another baby and then another around 33 so my mum has always told me the harsh reality of being a young mum and the advantages of hanging on till later in life.

OP may well have friends with babies if they are older than her or even the same age. You don't know.

Why is that a bit far? A 17 year old is a child, As soon as she registers for ante natal care she’ll be watched closely. That’s because she’s not an adult and will likely have more support needs: that’s good, it means they hopefully there are resources to support her but let’s not pretend a 17 year old having a baby is the same as even a 22/23 year old having a baby. It’s just not. As I say, I absolute accept there are some 17 year olds who can be excellent parents but it’s absolutely not an ideal or desirable scenario

Having a baby at 17 to fix your own issues, without a job, home or partner is not in any sense inspiring.

Give it a rest, she has a great attitude for a 17 year old, taking time to think through all the scenarios instead of taking the quick fix abortion route. If she decides that is right for her then so be it but it shows a very mature attitude to consider all possibilities