17 and pregnant

[G7yaia]

I recently found out I’m pregnant. It’s a total shock and is my own fault for not being on any contraception (I was on the pill but made me depressed). Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly a year he is a few moths younger than me but turned 17 this year too. I have always said I would never want a kid and he agreed. My mum knows and she is being very supportive and saying whatever decision I make she will support me. My boyfriends first reaction was to get rid of it. I’ve spoken about it to him since and he says he doesn’t want to speak about it. Which is very childish of him he is lovely and has never hurt me he does nothing but love me. I have decided that I’m going to keep it, I can’t go through with an abortion but my mind does keep changing. The reasons to get rid outweighs the reasons to keep. I will be 18 by the time I have the baby. I left school and had a year off due to not knowing what I want to do I’ve recently gone back to college to do a 2 year course then hopefully go to uni. But now I know it’s not going to be that easy. He is doing a 2 year course too. His family will not be as happy as my mum and he is begging me to get rid as his family will ‘kick him out’ I’ve told him I’ll do this with or without you. My head is just really all over the place, this doesn’t feel real. I just need some advice. I’ve already heard a million times from friends that I won’t be able to live my life and so on my mum had me at 17 so I’ve heard all of this. Now my mum has a better social life than me 😂. I do enjoy going out with my friends and know I will miss out on a lot but I also can’t bear to go through with an abortion I really struggle with my mental health and I feel like this baby will give me a purpose in life. Maybe I am not ready but I have a good support system and don’t want to get rid just because my boyfriend wants me to that will only end up in me hating him. He says whatever I choose he will support me but he obviously would prefer if I don’t keep it. I just don’t know I feel so empty right now and need advice ☹️

I'm close to your age I'm 19 and currently 20 weeks pregnant and I though about abortion when I first found out and I'm so glad that I haven't went through with it. I miss doing stuff I used to do but then I think it'll be worth it in the end because when u see the little baby on the first scan your whole mindset changes ( well for me it did maybe not for everyone) I think do what's best for you it'll be hard but you can still pass your college course and eventually got to uni! I would say have a good think before you make any decisions so that u don't regret it. Congrats and hope you do what you thinks the right thing! Good luck!

With all respect, your baby isn't born yet, you have no idea what is in store for you.

As someone who has worked with lots of teenage parents, I worry whether you really want this baby for the right reasons.As PP said it sounds like you don't want an abortion but not necessarily like you want a baby either? You sound very confused and you admit you keep changing your mind.

You speak about the baby in quite a disconnected way such as when you speak about 'getting rid of it', and you say you never wanted a child before becoming pregnant.Do you like children, and have you had any experience of being around or looking after babies and children? Do you feel like you want to care for, play with, educate, transport, prepare food for, supervise, love and have ultimate responsibility for a child for many years to come?
I am not particularly pro-abortion in general, but even i think you MUST to be able to give this baby the quality of life and quality of parenting he or she deserves if you are going to go ahead with the pregnancy.
Look around you at parents in the community you live...spend some time with friends/relative's children and see how it makes you feel...could you imagine yourself coping with/ doing/ enjoying the things they do All day every day? Constant feeding, changing, cuddling as babies, constant chasing around toddlers to make sure they don't hurt themselves, making 3 meals a day for them every day, staying up all night when they are ill soothing them and reassauring them with barely any sleep yourself? School runs every morning and every afternoon for years on end? None of us are prepared for the intensity of all that really, and many mums younger, older and inbetween do a great job of it all every day, but just something to think about, as whilst you have yyour own mum for support, as the baby's mother alot of that stuff should/will still be your responsibility.Even with people to help out, to be a good mum you would still need to be able to always put your child's needs before your own, and that WILL mean missing out socially, financially and sacrificing alot of your personal time.
Having a baby is in many ways for many people the most rewarding and overwhelmingly joyous experience they ever have, but sometimes being a parent to a continually crying baby, a toddler who is having a huge tantrum when you need to get out, or a child who won't go to bed and let you watch TV, feels like being a 24/7 servant, and it will test you to the limit sometimes.

The decision can only be yours, but if you DO have this baby then don't do it to improve your mental health (it could possibly do the opposite) to please your mum, or because you can't face the medical process etc of abortion.Do it because you feel some sort of readiness, excitement, love and connection to at least the thought of having a baby and then a child, which is something that can hopefully grow and develop over time xx

@MolliciousIntent no my baby isn't born yet and yes I do know what's to come, I've matured also prepared myself as my mom also had one young and took all the advice I need and I have good support from my boyfriend and his family also from my family. I know it'll be hard but I've chose to keep the baby so I won't sit there and complain about it. Was my choice and even now I still think it's the best decision I made so there's no need for you to comment back to me when you know nothing. I know so many young moms that are better than older moms so keep ur opinion to yourself

I was 19 at Uni and got pregnant and had an abortion. This was in the old days - there was no easy pill abortions. I don't regret it for one minute. I would probably still be living in the shithole of a town I came from. My then BF told me to get rid of it. Instead I graduated, travelled the world with work and am very comfortably off now. It's not about the money - it's about a whole different life. NO BABY should be born to give someone else a purpose - poor little baby!

and are you able to financially support yourself and have a home because that is an important part of it too?

@ILoveMyBedTooMuch yes me and my boyfriend both have jobs and are financially stable. Just because I'm young don't mean I am not financially stable.

I'm just saying, you have no idea what's going to happen next. You can day you're prepared, but you're not. No one ever is. You have no idea what sort of baby you'll have, whether it will be healthy or not, whether it will be an easy baby or not, you have no idea how hard it will be. So telling OP that it will all be fine and she can still finish her course and go to uni, when you have no idea what it's like, is a bit disingenuous. You have no idea if you're going to be able to do that yourself, let alone if OP can.

@ttc2603 that's quite an achievement that you are independent financially at such a young age - it's not that case for many.

Exactly @MolliciousIntent .

Your mum had you at 17.how did that go for her ?

@MolliciousIntent not saying it will be easy at all! I know it'll be a struggle and stuff is more difficult but then again as a parent you have to be mentally strong also u have to be ready and do your best even if it's hard and even if I'm not perfect I know I'll do the best I can. My mom still done everything she needed to do when she had a baby young so I'm saying she could. I know it won't be easy and I'm not saying for her to keep it as it's her choice but I don't want her to regret it. Just thought as a young mom myself I should be there trying to make her feel a bit better as these comments on here and not supportive at all for a 17 year old girl, when clearly it's a very stressful situation.

A baby will not improve your mental state. A baby is bloody hard work and very exhausting.

If you have the baby and regret it then you are stuck for the next 20 years.

If you have an abortion and regret it you still have the opportunity to start a career, travel the world then still have a baby. Your boyfriends childish attitute is also a concern. A baby deserves to have two loving parents.

The thing is, though you're currently pregnant, you're not actually parenting a child yet, and so you have no idea what it will be like. You hope it's going to be ok, and you're projecting that for the OP. It's not really a helpful point of view for her in terms of making a decision.

There have been lots of useful comments here from people who have been all the way through this situation, one way or another, and have experienced the long-term consequences of their decisions. In 10 years you'll be one of them, but right now you have no idea how it's going to turn out for you, so you're not best placed to advise.

I'm not trying to be unkind, and I wish you and your baby all the best. But you can't tell OP that it will all be fine, just because you want to believe it will all be fine for you.

@MolliciousIntent I completely understand what your saying and I know what you mean. I just don't want her to feel like she's alone and the only young person who's pregnant so thought I'll share that there are young pregnant teens that are in the same boat as her. Not saying it'll all be fine for her or for me as I don't know that but Also don't want someone so young to feel like they have to have an abortion just because of their boyfriend not wanting the child.

Oh darling, 17 is really too young to have a baby. I am glad your mum is there for you, but sadly you have to accept your boyfriend won’t be. He is also a kid and clearly this is all too much for him.

If you were my daughter I would support you whatever but I would advise that you terminate the pregnancy. The chances are this will have a negative impact on your and the baby’s life chances. Being a parent is hard, and a baby isn’t a fix for anything. This is simply not the right life stage for parenthood. It wouldn’t be fair on either of you.

Honestly I would concentrate on getting an education or training, sorting out a job, a home and a solid relationship before you think about babies.

Good mums need to be able to put their baby’s needs above their own. I don’t think there is an age limit on that… forget what the dad thinks or says as sadly at 17 you’re unlikely to make this relationship work (and I’m saying that as someone who married as a pregnant teenager herself- it wasn’t a Happy Ever After). I was a bloody great young mum… and in some ways a better young mum than I was an older one. I think I allowed myself to give my all to my children and as an older mum I’ve felt I should be more of a housewife, achiever and all-rounder as well as a mum.
The support of your mum will be vital @G7yaia so sit down with her and be open and honest about what she can offer you. My 17 year old also got pregnant but moved out age 18 has a lovely rented house now, 4 years on. But she needed a lot of support in the early days, and it had been incredibly hard work for her. But having a baby is always hard work. And I have seen many young mums do as good, if not better, jobs than women who are more used to having it all and who struggle to give up that life they had…. Or have a lifestyle to keep up and end up working many hours and not seeing their child grow up.
I’ve made many sacrifices as a mum and I don’t regret that, I know my career had to take a back seat and I won’t achieve the professional things I could have had I started working younger.
But I believe that young mums can be great, but it needs to be what you WANT. You will need to grow up and fast, and be prepared for it to be the hardest but most rewarding thing you’ll ever do. ❤️

I know you mean well, but if you have a supportive boyfriend, a job and good mental health then your situation is very different to the OP’s. You are going to have to work hard at it not limiting your life chances or the baby’s, but you have certainly got more of a chance than the OP has.

If I were you I would terminate, a child can come later. No one could give a child at 17 "the best" start as you still have to give yourself time to grow and develop into an adult. Never mind the financial and career prospects of having a child so young. I know plenty women will say they had children young and turned out fine. But they could have tuned out better than fine or given their child more if they had waited.

It isn't a choice of have a child now or never, it's s choice of how a child now or later.

I would choose later.

This isn't the norm though is it? The vast majority of children who have babies at 17 bring their children up in poverty, and struggle, sacrificing their career and end up with lower prospects. I know there is always an exception to a rule, and maybe that was you. But selling this dream that you can do both to the Op is not realistic and unfair to state possible for the majority who are 17 and pregnant.

@Luredbyapomegranate not really, I'm financially stable at the moment don't mean I will be when the baby is here. I'm not gonna receive maternity pay so financially I won't be as good as I am now when the baby's here as I will have to leave work. Mental health hasn't always been the best for me either so I can completely understand. The only difference I have is a supportive boyfriend? It's not comparing the 2 situations I just want her to know there's also other pregnant teens out there so she don't feel alone as pregnancy can be hard and feel lonely as I know because this pregnancy hasn't always been easy for me. So sorry for trying to make a young girl feel a bit better about her situation. As I've said I just want to give her some support from someone who's also young and pregnant. So I don't need to keep repeating myself and repeating my situation I was only trying to help the girl out 👍

...have you responded to the right comment here?! What you've written bears no resemblance to the comment you're quoting.

@MolliciousIntent apologies I replied to the wrong post

I'm pregnant with my first at 34, my mum had me at 18 after having my brother at 15. We had different challenges but people encouraging you to abort saying "what do you have to offer a baby" or "I've spent thousands on my baby how will you afford it" are talking absolute shit. My mum was young but she was great! And i dont think she regrets us 🤣we lived in a council flat but we couldnt have cared less.

Your age does not define how you will be, as long as you are realistic about the fact life will be hard at times.

My mum fell pregnant with me at 18. What did she offer me? A warm, safe home with everything I ever needed. Endless support and love. A strong positive role model, worked as soon as ML ended, scraped every penny to stand on her own two feet and provide for us both. I'm now in my 30s with my own children, and I'm only as good a mother as I am because of the example mine set for me. There is no one on earth I respect more, and she is my best friend. We are and always have been incredibly close, and she's the most amazing nanny, involved, supportive, and present in mine and my family's lives.

So don't be so quick to judge or assume. You can be 40 and a millionaire and still be a shit parent. Remember this is a 17 year old you're speaking to who's asking for advice, not your shitty comments.