17 and pregnant

[G7yaia]

I recently found out I’m pregnant. It’s a total shock and is my own fault for not being on any contraception (I was on the pill but made me depressed). Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly a year he is a few moths younger than me but turned 17 this year too. I have always said I would never want a kid and he agreed. My mum knows and she is being very supportive and saying whatever decision I make she will support me. My boyfriends first reaction was to get rid of it. I’ve spoken about it to him since and he says he doesn’t want to speak about it. Which is very childish of him he is lovely and has never hurt me he does nothing but love me. I have decided that I’m going to keep it, I can’t go through with an abortion but my mind does keep changing. The reasons to get rid outweighs the reasons to keep. I will be 18 by the time I have the baby. I left school and had a year off due to not knowing what I want to do I’ve recently gone back to college to do a 2 year course then hopefully go to uni. But now I know it’s not going to be that easy. He is doing a 2 year course too. His family will not be as happy as my mum and he is begging me to get rid as his family will ‘kick him out’ I’ve told him I’ll do this with or without you. My head is just really all over the place, this doesn’t feel real. I just need some advice. I’ve already heard a million times from friends that I won’t be able to live my life and so on my mum had me at 17 so I’ve heard all of this. Now my mum has a better social life than me 😂. I do enjoy going out with my friends and know I will miss out on a lot but I also can’t bear to go through with an abortion I really struggle with my mental health and I feel like this baby will give me a purpose in life. Maybe I am not ready but I have a good support system and don’t want to get rid just because my boyfriend wants me to that will only end up in me hating him. He says whatever I choose he will support me but he obviously would prefer if I don’t keep it. I just don’t know I feel so empty right now and need advice ☹️

Babies are such hard work, more work than you think. They need your constant attention.

Also, the baby will only be a cute baby for a year. Then you'll have an annoying 6/7/8 year old you have to deal with. Take to school and back every day, find childcare for in all the school holidays.

The baby will not make your mental health better, I can say that for sure. It will do the opposite. Having a baby can be really isolating, especially when you are so young. Your friends will quickly disappear once the baby is born. Even mothers in their 30's who have everything sorted practically, struggle with their mental health after having a baby.

Where will you live long term? How will you work and afford childcare? Do you know how much rent is for a 2 bed flat in your area? Do you know how much a day nursery costs for a full time place? You don't yet have many qualifications so how will you get a job to afford all this? You can't get a job without childcare. It's not ok to expect your mum to do all of this. You'll be ruining her life.

So many questions.

You aren't in a good place to have a baby. You have poor mental health, you have no money, you live with your parents, you don't have any qualifications and you don't have a well paying job. You don't have a supportive partner.

You're actually ruining your own life. How much easier would all this be if you could just crack on, get your qualifications, get a job, meet someone, buy a house, then have a baby when you're both happy, stable and can afford it.

I wouldn't bring a baby into this situation. For the baby, and for you.

My daughter is 17. Unlike you, she has definite goals and is working hard to get there (A levels, university, has scoped out the possible jobs she will be qualified for etc). I'm sure you have ambitions too, but is being a mum now one of them?
If my daughter got pregnant I would absolutely support her, help with childcare and financially, because I am in the position to do so. But I would do this on the idea that she continues with her education and plans. Though I believe raising a family is one of the most important 'jobs', I admit I would be very disappointed for her if that stopped her from doing other things. While it is always possible to go back and train or get a degree later on, it's that much more difficult to. One child often leads to another.
I had my kids in my 40s. I'd travelled the world, living in three different countries, I'd gone quite far in my career, I'd got a masters degree in a totally different field to my undergraduate degree. Would I have done all that with children? Possibly, but probably not.
Most of all, would I have been as good a mother if I'd had my kids very much earlier on? Would I have been able to give them the experiences that have shaped their lives? No.

Wishing you luck in whatever you decide OP and hope you are happy in your decision.

In my own experience, 17 is still ssoooooo young and still a child yourself. I remember thinking I knew it all at that age and that I was so grown up but I look back at how I acted and decisions that I made and my god I was so immatute. Maturity comes with life experiences which at 17 you lack because you haven't ever had to be the responsible one- thats what parents are for.

In my 30s with a baby of my own I can honestly tell you that nothing and nobody can prepare you for the entire life overhaul. All those things you took for granted are gone, no free time and all decisions must be made with your child in mind. I cant shower or go to the toilet alone, I cant just go out drinking last minute because my friends are. Your free time is 2 hours at night after they have gone to bed and before you do.

You deserve to be selfish and irresponsible and out having fun with your friends and doing all the silly things we do in our teens and early 20s which sadly a baby isnt condusive with.

I love being a mum and a family but am so glad that I got to enjoy a life and have experiences pre baby. Theres plenty of time for babies

You’re too young, you have nothing to offer a baby and love is not enough. You have poor mental health and a baby will not make that better. If you were my daughter, I would be strongly encouraging you to have an abortion. I cant think of any situation where a 17 year old mother is a good idea

“Unlike you”

You know your daughter could fall pregnant too.

You all do realise that this baby already exists don’t you. OP isn’t deciding whether to conceive or not. She already has and has decided to keep the baby.

Its quite disgusting that so many of you are relishing telling her how terrible it will all be and how she has ‘nothing’ to offer her child.
What a shit thing to say to a young pregnant woman.
When in real life would you ever have the audacity to tell someone they have nothing to offer. Vile.

@mondaytosunday ‘unlike you’. What a disgusting thing to say. In my experience it’s people like you who wind up eating a lot of humble pie.

Would you want anyone speaking to your daughter like this? She’s exactly the same age yet you don’t have any compassion for this girl. Good luck with that superiority complex.

@Daydreamsinsantafe hear hear

It’s kind of your mum to be supportive, but I think you should also give her a little bit more thought. Because it sounds like realistically she’s going to be the one paying for a lot of this, and the support she needs to give you in terms of the practicalities of looking after a baby is going to completely turn her life around too. This isn’t due to your age, but just due to the fact that it really doesn’t sound like you’ve got your shit together at all. There’s having mum’s support and there’s being entirely dependent on her still - like a child. If you’re still dependent on mum like a child then you are not ready to have your own, I do think it’s that simple. I personally don’t think it’s fair.

This!!!

I’m sure OP will do her absolute best for this baby, I know a lot of young moms and have still gone on to college/ university and are so close to their kids.

I wish you all the best

I really struggle with my mental health and I feel like this baby will give me a purpose in life.

It's not like that. Forget cute baby for a second and think demanding child who requires help with school work, entertaining, meals cooked, laundry done, and all the things that come with raising a child. Day in day out. With likely very little money. It will be so, so hard.
I had mine early 20s and that was hard enough. They are primary age now. It's not fun with no money. So think through what your life will realistically look like. A child needs more than love alone.

Look in your heart and decide for yourself. I was in your situation before. I was pregnant, and the man I was with said that if I had the baby, he will be involved, but if I do have the baby it would ruin his life! I felt forced into having an abortion, he insisted in coming with me (I guess so I didn’t back out)
I really struggled with my mental health afterwards.
if you feel like you want to keep your baby and you have a good support network, I would advise you to keep it and not give a shit about what the dad thinks. It’s your body, your baby and your decision!

It's not an unborn baby.

That's your opinion but I beg to differ

What a horrible thing to say, I'm glad I'm not your child.

It's a legal and scientific fact, actually.

Maybe legally but not morally. You know its legal to change genders these days too. Did you know the babies palate forms between the 6-9 week in the womb and the baby is fully formed at 12 weeks.

Quoting your same legality, then its only a baby once it has been so in your opinion legally you should be able to abort any time up until birth. Anyway, your comment of its ' not an unborn baby' isn't helpful anyway

• has been born

I really struggle with my mental health and I feel like this baby will give me a purpose in life.

It's not fair to give a baby a job, op. This child will not be the magic wand you think it will be. The reality is that everything will be much, much harder. I'm sorry, but you are in no position to have a baby, and it's not reasonable to expect your mother to financially support you.

Yes, that is correct. As early as possible, as late as necessary.

Fully formed at 12 weeks? Utter bullshit. A pregnancy isn't viable until twice that length of time, and even then it's very slim odds.

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/week-by-week/1-to-12/12-weeks/#:~:text=Just%2012%20weeks%20after%20your,be%20moving%20quite%20a%20bit.

That's absolutely disgusting that you think as late as necessary. I cannot fathom how you think that is OK?

Late term terminations almost exclusively take place when the mother's life is at risk or the foetus is severely disabled. I cannot fathom how you think it is OK to force a woman to continue a pregnancy under those circumstances.

Now that's enough derailing, none of this is relevant to OP.