Arguing with Mum since pregnancy

[Hope63]

Anyone else arguing more with parents since their pregnancy?

I'm 30 years old & currently living with my mum and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I'm in the process of buying a house with my partner.

Mum and I always had a good relationship, I was her only child and her world. Since becoming an adult, things have changed, we don't see eye to eye on household things which leads to arguments. This has especially become more apparent since becoming pregnant. She complains about everything I do which makes me feel anxious & feel like I'm walking on eggshells in the house.

Just as an example, she complained a tea towel had a stain on it that didn't come off in the wash. I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't. Anyway, instead of accepting a difference of opinion, she called me nasty names and stormed off upstairs and didn't speak to me for the whole night. Other things she complains about is how high I put the water in the kettle, I can only put the water level to number '3'. She will always find something to complain about every day and I find myself wasting time double checking how much water is in the kettle or making sure everything is back in my room so she can't complain I've left a pair of shoes out etc.

Since pregnancy, this has got worse. Part of me feels like there's underlying issues and she's upset that I'm leaving the house and upset that I'm starting my own family and she's venting it in an unhealthy angry way, rather than communicating with me about her feelings in a healthy way.

I'm more upset at the fact since I've been pregnant, I thought she would have been great and supportive but she's been the complete opposite. My mum works 12 hour days so understandably she's tired after work but she never cooks the tea. She doesn't even do little things to take care of me or help me out like make a cup of tea when she gets in from work or close the blinds or wash the dishes. I do it all the time. My partner has even brought it up in conversation how he feels like my mum 'forgets' that I'm pregnant sometimes, either that or she's not arsed but he said he doesn't understand why she wouldn't be arsed and I don't understand why she wouldn't care about my pregnancy either, especially with it being her first and probably only grandchild.

Is anyone else going through a similar thing or has any opinions as to why my mum might be reacting this way?

ZERO self awareness 😨🤦‍♀️

@Hope63 - everyone is telling you the same thing - why aren’t you listening?

I'm around the same age as you. I started work at 16, moved out at 18, paid for my own studies, got a mortgage at 24 (with no financial help again), did 12hr physical work until 36 weeks pregnant I'm therefore finding your whingeing over a sodding cup of tea (whilst having the luxury of previously living abroad and now living with your mother) quite pathetic.

Why couldn't you and your partner have rented somewhere before you moved into your bought place? I'm assuming life with mum is a lot more cushty!!

Don’t waste your time all

The majority of replies I received had no suggestions or advice. Many assumed I was too lazy, didn't work, didn't cook the tea, didn't pay rent etc and I wanted to clear this up to provide context.

I've used mumsnet once before. I'm not exactly sure how it works. I have just been trying to reply and respond to everyone's replies which at times has meant repeating myself because users have asked the same or similar questions. If this isn't the correct way to do it, I apologise.

I wouldn't be homeless, I have other options. The whole point of this post is to try & understand any underlying issues to my mums irrational behaviour and the picking of arguments. The underlying issue may well be that she wants me to move out and this would be absolutely fine but she has never communicated this with me. If anything, she has done the opposite. She has said that if the house sale does not go through prior to the birth of the baby that I can stay at the house until it does and has even offered her bedroom up as it's bigger. I'm not sure she would do this if she wanted me to move out. Maybe she would, I don't know. This is what I'm trying to understand.

I don't understand all the hate? If my daughter was pregnant I would let them live with me for as long as they wanted and try my best to provide all the help and support I can throughout their pregnancy and after the birth. Pregnancy can be really tough, and hoping for a cup of tea is not asking for the world.

I think the issue here is your Mum. Even if she's unhappy with the things you do, she can communicate it in a far healthier way. And her demands regarding the kettle etc are unreasonable in my opinion. Living with someone like this is not a nice thing. Is this behaviour typical of her personality? If so then it's just who she is and I wouldn't waste time trying to figure it out.

Fingers crossed you get your home soon and good luck with the pregnancy.

Thank you for your informative reply, I appreciate this.
She works long shifts because she likes to have a bit more extra money to spend on luxury items/going out etc.
I wouldn't say she has been exactly encouraging or supportive. It's difficult to understand what my mum is thinking or feeling as she doesn't tend to share her emotions.

The majority of replies I received had no suggestions or advice. Many assumed I was too lazy, didn't work, didn't cook the tea, didn't pay rent etc and I wanted to clear this up to provide context.

Rubbish. I (and others asked you if you worked and paid rent. You said that was 'assumptious' (sic).

Plenty of us have suggested that you stop expecting your mum to wait on you, and start falling in line with the way she wants to run her house. You don't seem to have registered that.

Why dint you just ask mum can you make a cuppa whilst I'm making dinner?

But yes generally the person who works less hours does more housework.

But also have you tried talking to your mum about it instead. You say you think she should communicate with you about wanting you to move out but how about you communicate with her about it feeling unbalanced. Maybe she thinks you enjoy doing the tea and brews and sees it as I've been working my arse off for 30 years looking after my daughter, it's her turn to look after me. Is your mum single mum as you don't mention your father?

But I do think how much you pay as rent will be a factor. If its token rent then maybe your mum is thinking I help my daughter out by not charging extortionate rent and let her partner stay a few nights so I will accept cooked dinners etc.

Another book recommendation... The Woman's Room by Marilyn French. Write down your thoughts on the book and then come back and read the book and your reflections when you are 50.

This is getting horribly bullying now.

A pregnant lady has posted in the pregnancy topic to ask about trouble she is having in a close family relationship. She hasn’t abused anybody or committed a crime however she is being berated for being selfish, stupid, a ‘broken record’ (despite all the other posters in here repeating the same things like a broken record), saying ‘brew’, saying ‘make the tea’. She has been told over and over that her mum wants her out, that they are less than flatmates, that her mum wanted her out at 18 yet she stuck around to her mum’s dismay.

This is a stranger on the internet, people!

Funny isn’t it, whenever adult children are discussed on MN threads it’s all ‘oh, I’ll charge them a token rent and give it back to them for their house purchase’ ….but over on this thread it’s ‘you should be paying market rent’ even thought the DM probably purchased the property in the 1990s or whatever.

Been on here 16 years and never seen a thread where everyone is berating a pregnant lady who is working FT and cooking every night and wondering if they deserve to be called names over tea towel stains.

The only thing I do agree with others is that you should move out asap, but not because I think your mother wants you out, but to protect yourself from outbursts.

Here here! This thread has been bloody horrible! And absolutely to the point about whenever anybody ever dares to post about charging their own children rent! They get the "how are they supposed to save for a house etc if they are paying you" "you're supposed to help your own" "I'd never charge my own kids to live at home" blah blah blah. Mumsnet at its worst!

So you've been working since you were 16 but were at university until you were 25 then lived abroad for a few years, then saved money for a couple of years. Your partner still lives at home, you're 28 weeks pregnant. Living at home.

You and partner once you live together will find adjusting to each other takes time, throw a baby into the mix.

Perhaps your mother is worrying about how the heck you'll all adjust and if your relationship will survive. She's probably praying it will, but sees pitfalls ahead.

There’s always a reason a mother could be worried about a relationship though. Too young, too old, gay, straight, black, white, wrong job, wrong class, too much money, not enough money, too loud, too quiet, previous kids, doesn’t want kids etc etc.

at the end of the day you have to let your kids choose their path, love and support them and not blow up at them over their decisions and life choices.

1. Stop justifying living at your parents at age 30 because that's what majority of 30 year old are doing nowadays. I'm 32. I bought my house 7 years ago and no I didn't have any help from parents or a great job. Your personal circumstances mean your still living at home with your mum and that's fine. Don't blame a whole generation.

1. You keep saying you want to know what the underlying issue is with your mum for her outburst over a tea towel. In the nicest way possible, noone on here can tell you that. If you want to know what's wrong with your mum ask her. Only she can tell you. The rest on here is purely speculation from an outsiders point of view with one side of the story. Ask your mum. You say communication is key so use it.

Stress harms your unborn baby
I can guarantee that your mum being sick of your self absorbed entitled behaviour is not going to be harming your baby 🙄

I haven't said in my initial post that I expect my mum to run around after me whilst pregnant.
You kinda did. You're pregnant, not helpless btw. If you want pandering to, your partner is the one that can do it.
"I'm more upset at the fact since I've been pregnant, I thought she would have been great and supportive"
"She doesn't even do little things to take care of me or help me out"

You keep banging on about your mums 'irrational behaviour'. Your lack of self awareness is mind blowing. There is nothing 'irrational' about your mum.
She works 12 hour shifts. Even that you belittle because she only does it so she can have 'luxury items' FFS! She has a grown arse woman-child to prop up. You're not paying half of all expenses. If she wants tea towels used a certain way, then that's how they should be used. You need to start showing a little more respect instead of whining so much 🤷‍♀️
How tired she must be. Physically AND emotionally. Do you ever go to your partners place to give her a break? Not only does she have you in her space, she has the boyfriend as well. Poor, poor woman.

Hello everyone,

After plenty of replies yesterday suggesting that my mum wants me to move out because I’m 30, I’m pregnant etc I decided to sit down and attempt a conversation with her about it. I asked her directly if she would like me out of the house before the baby is born, her answer was “no”. I then told her about this thread and said others have made suggestions that she probably wants me out of the house because I’ve been here too long, I’m 30, I’m pregnant etc. She laughed and said “I never want you to move out”. I then went on to ask her if she has any concerns or any other issues, her reply was that she has concerns about the rising energy prices but added that everyone is concerned about this. I offered other suggestions as to why she may have reacted the way she did over a tea towel stain, I said maybe you want your own space, or I’m getting on your nerves or you want to increase rent, I asked her to communicate any issues with me and said if there is something then she needs to tell me, she said none of these were issues, she laughed and said it was just about the stain on the tea towel, she apologised for her behaviour and gave me a hug.

My mum knows I have other places to stay, she knows my partner’s parents have offered to put us up until the house goes through, she knows I wouldn’t be left homeless so there would be no reason for her to lie about wanting me to stay in her home so to those who suggested my mum wants me out, you are incorrect. As I previously said to another user, I know my mum and I know if she had it her way, she would have me living with her forever so it’s difficult to understand these outbursts as no one would want to live in a home where they get yelled at for every small thing whether that comes from your parents, flat mates, your partner, your child. That isn’t a healthy way to live for anyone and it isn’t an environment anyone would want to bring a baby into.
As for not offering to do any of the cooking or chipping in etc particularly on her days off I still don’t know why this is as it wasn’t brought up. As another user said, ‘if her daughter was pregnant, she would let them live with her for as long as they wanted and would try her best to provide help and support throughout pregnancy and after the birth’. Other users may feel differently, they may feel that if they work long hours someone else should do all the work in the house and if this is your opinion, that is fine. Personally, I think two adults who both work and are living in the same house together should split the tasks to help each other out where they can. Perhaps my mum isn’t even aware she isn’t helping out with tasks or she may not care or she may well have a different viewpoint on it, I can’t answer that.

Please remember, when people post on these forums they are only sharing a tiny snippet of their lives, you will never get the full context or the full story from a paragraph on the internet. My mum was diagnosed with a mental illness several years ago which can alter her behaviour, she has been on medication since which has kept her relatively stable but this has recently been reduced. It’s quite possible that a decrease in medication has caused her behaviour to become more unstable and irrational over the last few months.

For those of you judging me for living with my parents until the age of 30, I judge you for being so narrow-minded. Every family dynamic is different, every culture is different, adult children living at home is considered acceptable and normal in many Asian cultures for example. Your way of living isn’t the only way. Some people may stay at home longer for health reasons or financial reasons. Some children choose to split a mortgage with parents. Whatever the reason it does not matter why someone chooses to live where they live as long as everyone is happy with the arrangements. For those of you telling me you got a mortgage at the age of 24 etc, I’m very happy for you, well done, I hope you feel well accomplished.

As a first time user of mumsnet, this was quite the experience. As one user put it “been on here 16 years and never seen a thread where everyone is berating a pregnant lady who is working full time and cooking every night and wondering if they deserve to be called names over tea towel stains” and another user “This thread has been bloody horrible! Mumsnet at its worst”.

I certainly won’t be using Mumsnet again as many users seem to think it’s acceptable to be judgemental, rude, berate and display bullying behaviour to strangers on the internet. I hope you teach your children to be kinder.

I won’t be responding to anymore messages but thank you to the small minority of people who took the time to give informative replies, shown understanding and offered alternative perspectives, I appreciate it.

So basically, like many people suggested, you could have just had this grown up conversation with your mum to begin with instead of asking strangers on the internet to psychoanalyse her and help you understand her motives. I’m glad she found the funny side anyway.