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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Arguing with Mum since pregnancy

221 replies

Hope63 · 14/08/2022 00:19

Anyone else arguing more with parents since their pregnancy?

I'm 30 years old & currently living with my mum and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I'm in the process of buying a house with my partner.

Mum and I always had a good relationship, I was her only child and her world. Since becoming an adult, things have changed, we don't see eye to eye on household things which leads to arguments. This has especially become more apparent since becoming pregnant. She complains about everything I do which makes me feel anxious & feel like I'm walking on eggshells in the house.

Just as an example, she complained a tea towel had a stain on it that didn't come off in the wash. I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't. Anyway, instead of accepting a difference of opinion, she called me nasty names and stormed off upstairs and didn't speak to me for the whole night. Other things she complains about is how high I put the water in the kettle, I can only put the water level to number '3'. She will always find something to complain about every day and I find myself wasting time double checking how much water is in the kettle or making sure everything is back in my room so she can't complain I've left a pair of shoes out etc.

Since pregnancy, this has got worse. Part of me feels like there's underlying issues and she's upset that I'm leaving the house and upset that I'm starting my own family and she's venting it in an unhealthy angry way, rather than communicating with me about her feelings in a healthy way.

I'm more upset at the fact since I've been pregnant, I thought she would have been great and supportive but she's been the complete opposite. My mum works 12 hour days so understandably she's tired after work but she never cooks the tea. She doesn't even do little things to take care of me or help me out like make a cup of tea when she gets in from work or close the blinds or wash the dishes. I do it all the time. My partner has even brought it up in conversation how he feels like my mum 'forgets' that I'm pregnant sometimes, either that or she's not arsed but he said he doesn't understand why she wouldn't be arsed and I don't understand why she wouldn't care about my pregnancy either, especially with it being her first and probably only grandchild.

Is anyone else going through a similar thing or has any opinions as to why my mum might be reacting this way?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 14/08/2022 19:30

I would find somewhere else to live for the meantime until the house sale goes through

Move in with your boyfriend too as you’ll need some time to adjust to living together before the baby comes

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 19:31

Anotheroneofthose000 · 14/08/2022 12:23

If I was not working and my mum was doing 12 hour days, I would be doing everything.. everything. I would not expect her to do a thing. I would have it taken care of before she got in from work.
What age is your mum? You are 30 years young and pregnant, not incapacitated 🤷‍♀️

I do do everything, that is the point of my thread. It would just be nice to share some of the tasks and be treated the same way I treat her. Please see replies with more context to other users

OP posts:
BeanieTeen · 14/08/2022 19:31

Sounds like you've outstayed your welcome.

Sounds very much like it.

At the end of the day it is her house. You’re not flat mates. Presumably if you didn’t live there she wouldn’t invite someone else to instead, she probably just wished she had her house to herself. It sounds like she doesn’t really want you there, but she’s your mum so of course she’s helping you out. It’s temporary, it’s not really your home so you need to respect her wishes.

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 19:32

Anotheroneofthose000 · 14/08/2022 12:27

Yep me too.

OP, you do realise you're going to be responsible for another human in about 12 weeks? And you're not going to have your mum cook your tea etc.. you're likely going to be the one doing everything in the house. Do you realise this?

Show quote history

As previously mentioned, I already do everything. That is the point of the thread. Please see replies to other users for more context.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 19:37

BeanieTeen · 14/08/2022 12:28

I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't.

Great. When you have your own house you can stain as many tea towels as you like. She wants her’s to look clean, that’s more than fair enough. They’re her items. If you were visiting someone else’s house would you behave that way?

In all honesty, I never gave it much thought. As far as I'm aware and according to google tea towels can be used for lots of things including wiping up spillages. It's not something I ever considered but understand everyone has their own personal preference on how to do these things. It is fair enough that she wants hers clean, that doesn't bother me but I don't think its proportionate to storm out and show irrational angry behaviour over a tea stain when I can go and buy one for £1 from B&M.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 19:39

LeoOliver · 14/08/2022 12:39

I think you need to manage your expectation. It appears you want your mum to to treat you extra special because your are pregnant. It may be case that your mum does not see pregnancy as something special - a lot of older generation don't. Many of them see pregnancy as something you go through and get on with. It sounds as though your mum finds you annoying. I think you need to consider you are in your mums home and are not on an equal footing even if you do pay rent. When you move in to your own home, you can do things your way but whilst living under her roof, it may best to do things her way to keep the peace. I think it is a bit unreasonable to expect your mum to make you dinner.

Hi, thank you for your feedback.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 19:44

piglet81 · 14/08/2022 12:45

Your poor mother! Are you anticipating having your child still living with you in 30 years’ time? Will be interesting to see how many cups of tea you make him/her then…

I'm assuming my child will be living with me in 30 years time as house prices are increasing and people are spending longer in education. I am opening a savings account for my child and hoping this will help with a house deposit in the future for him/her. My partner lives with his family and they all take turns making each other a cup of tea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 19:45

MissMaple82 · 14/08/2022 12:52

Also, make your own cups of tea, are you one of these that expect to be waited on just because you're pregnant?

Please see replies to other users. I don't expect to be waited on. Not at all the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 19:51

Greatfyl · 14/08/2022 12:53

I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't.
She has the personal preference over her things, in her home. You can have personal preference over your own things.

You’re in each other’s space all the time, you need to accept that you might wind each other up sometimes, and shrugging off the fact you stained her tea towel and expecting her to wait on you after her 12hour shift isn’t helping the situation.

Thanks for your feedback. Of course she may have a difference of opinion, I accept that. I still don't think that gives anyone the right to show irrational angry behaviour over a tea stain. Prior to this, I didn't even know it was an issue so I feel it was unfair for her to react this way. I don't expect her to wait on me, please see replies to other users for more context. I just think tasks should be shared where possible especially on weekends when neither of us work.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2022 19:51

My partner lives with his family and they all take turns making each other a cup of tea.

Splendid! That means you can live with them and get out of your mother's home. It's clear she is dying for some peace and solitude.

gamerchick · 14/08/2022 19:52

Look OP. She doesn't want to do shit for you. She doesn't and she doesn't have to. You either accept it, or move the fuck out now.

That's the top and bottom of it.

Doing the broken record thing isn't going to get you what you want.

Maybe do a flask of tea if you're so addicted to it.

HMSSophia · 14/08/2022 19:53

Maybe your DM is fed up to the back teeth with brews? Maybe she wants to be alone - tealess and brew less. Dear god you sound exhausting Op. you assume people should be like you. They're not. Fucking wait til your child looks at you with contempt because you've ... done something tiny, irrelevant or old fashioned. And you'll think dear god the ingratitude... the heartlessness...

titchy · 14/08/2022 19:58

I just think tasks should be shared where possible especially on weekends when neither of us work.

She doesn't though. She doesn't want to share tasks with you. She wants to live in her own and decide what tasks she does or doesn't do IN HER OWN BLOODY HOUSE!

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 19:58

SirChenjins · 14/08/2022 12:54

Are they your tea towels or her? If the former, then don’t use them for wiping up spills, use a cloth or paper towel. Problem solved.

Are you getting the dinner on for her coming home after her 12 hour shift? If not, get it on. Problem solved.

The rest is bonkers - you’re pregnant, not infirm. When you move into your own home and if you have more babies you’ll find yourself making your own cups of tea and opening the blinds with a bump and a toddler who doesn’t give you a moments peace to even sit down and drink the cup of tea or go to the loo.

They are both our tea towels. She has bought some and I have bought some.
I cook the tea, make the brews, wash the dishes etc. In my opinion, tasks should be shared between those living with each other. It's nice to help each other out. Toddlers and adults aren't really comparable. I wouldn't expect my toddler to make a cup of tea but I would expect my adult child to make a cup of tea as I would for him/her.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 14/08/2022 19:59

She probably can't understand why you've chosen to have a baby without having a home of your own first. You say you hope to be in the house by the time the baby comes, so there's a chance you might still be with your mum?

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:00

justasking111 · 14/08/2022 12:55

Your OH backed you up. Fast forward six months he's in for a shock when you snarl at him because his tea isn't on the table 😂😂

My partner and I share tasks all the time. We have very similar views on things so this isn't something I'm worried about.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/08/2022 20:00

She doesn't want to help out.

Starting to think you're on a wind up now. Nobody is this short sighted Hmm

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:04

MissMaple82 · 14/08/2022 12:58

I've just ready your reply in comments- you sound like a dick! I feel sorry for your mother who is probably pissed off yo the back teeth of you and willing the day you move out and stand on your own two feet!

Thanks for your feedback.

OP posts:
titchy · 14/08/2022 20:07

My partner and I share tasks all the time. We have very similar views on things so this isn't something I'm worried about.

Lol you don't even live together! Do your mum a favour and move in with your bf's family till your house is ready.

BeanieTeen · 14/08/2022 20:14

You do sound like you feel very entitled to be there when actually your mum is doing you a big favour having you live with her.
Sorry if this has already been explained, maybe I missed it - have you always lived with your mum or have you just moved back in recently?

CockSpadget · 14/08/2022 20:14

Is the swearing and calling you names a relatively recent thing OP? And has she always nit picked about lights being left on etc? If so then obviously something is stressing her out, and the best thing to do would be to sit down with her, over a brew (sorry, couldn't resist Grin) she may be feeling under the weather menopause/peri menopause could be a cause, (I know from experience it's made my fuse a bit shorter), does she have any financial worries? A lot of of people who were doing ok, are suddenly finding themselves struggling, and are stressing about how much worse things are going to get by the end of the year, bear in mind she is also going to lose the rent etc you bring into the home, and will have to fund everything on her own.
Like I said, I'd advise you to sit her down for a heart to heart, she may be grateful for an opportunity to get things off her chest

SirChenjins · 14/08/2022 20:16

Hope63 · 14/08/2022 19:58

They are both our tea towels. She has bought some and I have bought some.
I cook the tea, make the brews, wash the dishes etc. In my opinion, tasks should be shared between those living with each other. It's nice to help each other out. Toddlers and adults aren't really comparable. I wouldn't expect my toddler to make a cup of tea but I would expect my adult child to make a cup of tea as I would for him/her.

Show quote history

I’m not talking about toddlers making a cup of tea - you were complaining about not having the energy to make the tea and open the blinds because you’re pregnant and you think your mum should look after you because you’re expecting. My point was that women bear children, look after toddlers, make cups of tea and open the blinds all by themselves.

She has made it clear that she doesn’t want to tea towels used to wipe up spills (sensible woman), so don’t do it - and then when you get your own home you can put house rules in pace there.

In the meantime, why don’t you move in with your bf and his family? Or rent? That will take the heat out of things.

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:24

bellac11 · 14/08/2022 13:03

This has got to be a wind up

Move out, get a bed sit with no tenancy until your house is purchased. Move out next week

The whole point of this post is to try & understand any underlying issues to my mums irrational behaviour and the picking of arguments. The underlying issue may well be that she wants me to move out and this would be absolutely fine but she has never communicated this with me. If anything, she has done the opposite. She has said that if the house sale does not go through prior to the birth of the baby that I can stay at the house until it does and has even offered her bedroom up as it's bigger. I'm not sure she would do this if she wanted me to move out. Maybe she would, I don't know. This is what I'm trying to understand.

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 14/08/2022 20:25

None of us here know the answer to that question - you need to sit down with her and talk about this

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:28

BeanieTeen · 14/08/2022 13:05

Mum and I always had a good relationship, I was her only child and her world. Since becoming an adult, things have changed, we don't see eye to eye on household things which leads to arguments.

Maybe because, being an adult, she expects you to act like one?
You’re thirty years old and still expect her to prepare you food after a long day at work. I wouldn’t mind if my well meaning 4 year old stained a nice dishcloth because he tried to clean up his own spill by himself. In twenty years time, not so much.

I do everything within the household and I don't expect anyone to do everything for me, I just expect a little help and sharing of tasks. Please see replies to other users for more context. A tea towel can be used for multiple things including cleaning spills up. As I have already said, this is personal preference. She has hers and I have mine but I don't think it's reasonable to be balled at for a tea stain on a tea towel, this is irrational in my opinion.

OP posts:
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