Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Arguing with Mum since pregnancy

221 replies

Hope63 · 14/08/2022 00:19

Anyone else arguing more with parents since their pregnancy?

I'm 30 years old & currently living with my mum and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I'm in the process of buying a house with my partner.

Mum and I always had a good relationship, I was her only child and her world. Since becoming an adult, things have changed, we don't see eye to eye on household things which leads to arguments. This has especially become more apparent since becoming pregnant. She complains about everything I do which makes me feel anxious & feel like I'm walking on eggshells in the house.

Just as an example, she complained a tea towel had a stain on it that didn't come off in the wash. I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't. Anyway, instead of accepting a difference of opinion, she called me nasty names and stormed off upstairs and didn't speak to me for the whole night. Other things she complains about is how high I put the water in the kettle, I can only put the water level to number '3'. She will always find something to complain about every day and I find myself wasting time double checking how much water is in the kettle or making sure everything is back in my room so she can't complain I've left a pair of shoes out etc.

Since pregnancy, this has got worse. Part of me feels like there's underlying issues and she's upset that I'm leaving the house and upset that I'm starting my own family and she's venting it in an unhealthy angry way, rather than communicating with me about her feelings in a healthy way.

I'm more upset at the fact since I've been pregnant, I thought she would have been great and supportive but she's been the complete opposite. My mum works 12 hour days so understandably she's tired after work but she never cooks the tea. She doesn't even do little things to take care of me or help me out like make a cup of tea when she gets in from work or close the blinds or wash the dishes. I do it all the time. My partner has even brought it up in conversation how he feels like my mum 'forgets' that I'm pregnant sometimes, either that or she's not arsed but he said he doesn't understand why she wouldn't be arsed and I don't understand why she wouldn't care about my pregnancy either, especially with it being her first and probably only grandchild.

Is anyone else going through a similar thing or has any opinions as to why my mum might be reacting this way?

OP posts:
piglet81 · 14/08/2022 12:45

Your poor mother! Are you anticipating having your child still living with you in 30 years’ time? Will be interesting to see how many cups of tea you make him/her then…

MissMaple82 · 14/08/2022 12:50

Sorry but tea towel are not meant for wiping up spillages, clothes and kitchen roll is used for that. This would grate on me too

MissMaple82 · 14/08/2022 12:52

Also, make your own cups of tea, are you one of these that expect to be waited on just because you're pregnant?

Greatfyl · 14/08/2022 12:53

I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't.
She has the personal preference over her things, in her home. You can have personal preference over your own things.

You’re in each other’s space all the time, you need to accept that you might wind each other up sometimes, and shrugging off the fact you stained her tea towel and expecting her to wait on you after her 12hour shift isn’t helping the situation.

SirChenjins · 14/08/2022 12:54

Are they your tea towels or her? If the former, then don’t use them for wiping up spills, use a cloth or paper towel. Problem solved.

Are you getting the dinner on for her coming home after her 12 hour shift? If not, get it on. Problem solved.

The rest is bonkers - you’re pregnant, not infirm. When you move into your own home and if you have more babies you’ll find yourself making your own cups of tea and opening the blinds with a bump and a toddler who doesn’t give you a moments peace to even sit down and drink the cup of tea or go to the loo.

SirChenjins · 14/08/2022 12:55

*the latter, not the former

justasking111 · 14/08/2022 12:55

Your OH backed you up. Fast forward six months he's in for a shock when you snarl at him because his tea isn't on the table 😂😂

MissMaple82 · 14/08/2022 12:58

I've just ready your reply in comments- you sound like a dick! I feel sorry for your mother who is probably pissed off yo the back teeth of you and willing the day you move out and stand on your own two feet!

bellac11 · 14/08/2022 13:03

This has got to be a wind up

Move out, get a bed sit with no tenancy until your house is purchased. Move out next week

BeanieTeen · 14/08/2022 13:05

Mum and I always had a good relationship, I was her only child and her world. Since becoming an adult, things have changed, we don't see eye to eye on household things which leads to arguments.

Maybe because, being an adult, she expects you to act like one?
You’re thirty years old and still expect her to prepare you food after a long day at work. I wouldn’t mind if my well meaning 4 year old stained a nice dishcloth because he tried to clean up his own spill by himself. In twenty years time, not so much.

bellac11 · 14/08/2022 13:07

The updates are even worse

Phone someone on spareroom.com tomorrow, move out by next weekend and release your poor long suffering mother

Mind you, she should have chucked you out years ago

ChateauMargaux · 14/08/2022 13:08

Many women find their relationship with their mother goes through a difficult period when they become parents themselves. There are as many reasons for this as there are mother daughter relationships.

She may find herself with a bunch of feelings that she doesn't fully understand herself. Her relationship with you is about to change, her view of herself will be changing as will her view of you. She will be reflecting on her life to date, the fact that she is a single mum, that you are an only child, that she has no other family and had no other support when she had you (filling in.. might be wrong). Menopause, the end of fertility and transitioning from motherhood to grandmotherhood is a big change and as well as the physical metamorphosis and hormonal changes there are many emotions that need to be processed.... for many women, there is a HUGE amount of inexplicable anger... partly hormonal but also when we look back and see how much our lives was about putting other people's needs first.. changing our focus and not knowing how to do that.. seeing our parents age and sometimes struggling to see the point of life.

She is still working 12 hour days to keep a roof over your head.. you may well pay rent but she may feel a lot of financial pressure.

Whatever she is thinking... give her space, show her love and be patient.

GiltEdges · 14/08/2022 13:24

Well in all fairness, if anyone should be helping to take the load off you because you’re pregnant then it should be your partner i.e. the father of the baby, not your mother.

Though saying that, if you’re having an otherwise standard pregnancy then you also probably need to get a bit of a grip. We’ve all been there, and most of us find pregnancy draining and uncomfortable, particularly towards the end. But it isn’t an illness, nor is it anyone else’s problem, so best to just get on with it.

kitcat15 · 14/08/2022 13:35

If you used my tea towel to mop up spillages I would be fuckin g annoyed...time to move out and grow up OP ...you sound like hard work

Greybutterfly · 14/08/2022 13:41

Move into your partner parents house. Give your poor mum a break. Although I don’t think they would put up with you acting like a spoilt princess. Your choice to get pregnant, your not sick. I think you are in for a big shock when the baby comes along

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 14:06

BeneficiaryMadness · 14/08/2022 08:56

You want your Mum to come in from work and make you a cup of tea after a 12 hour shift? Am I reading that right? How long is your work day?

My work day is 8 hours Mon-Fri. I am expecting everyone within the household to shift their weight - including me. As I said, I understand a person would be tired after a 12 hour shift (I have worked 17 hour shifts in the past) but I don't think it's unreasonable to chip in from time to time and make brews, this only takes 5 minutes. My partner lives with his family who all chip in to make brews and cook the tea. It's just about helping one another out and not leaving it all to one person.

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 14/08/2022 14:10

Move in with your partners family then?

Madmax1992 · 14/08/2022 14:11

The point is you can't just expect to move in with your mom and change the dynamic? She's already supporting you by letting you stay there....if you like how they do it at your partners house then move in there or get your own house?

justasking111 · 14/08/2022 14:26

Hope63 · 14/08/2022 14:06

My work day is 8 hours Mon-Fri. I am expecting everyone within the household to shift their weight - including me. As I said, I understand a person would be tired after a 12 hour shift (I have worked 17 hour shifts in the past) but I don't think it's unreasonable to chip in from time to time and make brews, this only takes 5 minutes. My partner lives with his family who all chip in to make brews and cook the tea. It's just about helping one another out and not leaving it all to one person.

Show quote history

You're a hell of a lot younger than you mother and working four hours less a day. Sorry you're spoilt

Whataretheodds · 14/08/2022 15:21

"I’m very laid back

You sound as laid back as a nuclear war."

😂

RainyDays22 · 14/08/2022 15:24

You just need to move out and give your mum a break. You're a very spoilt princess.

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 16:55

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2022 08:58

It sounds like think you’re equal partners in the house and as you’re pregnant you’re expecting her to do more than usual like cook for you when you’re partner is working. She thinks it’s her house - it is - and you should be doing things her way.

Nothing you describe suggests she’s upset you’ll be moving out. She probably wasn’t expecting to have her 30 year old pregnant daughter living with her and expecting her to make compromises or need looking after. Looking after you is your partner’s job if you need help. You’re having a baby with him, not your mum. She’s already putting you up and tolerating your different ways, she’s doing plenty.

Did you ever move out and live independently or have you always lived with her? Are you moving out before the baby’s born?

I'm not expecting her to do more than usual, I'm expecting her to pull her weight just as I would expect everyone living in the same household to pull their weight to help each other out. I'm not sure where other people are from on here but where I'm from, families help each other out.

I've not said once in my initial post that I 'need' looking after. I've just merely pointed out that my mum doesn't bother to help in any way. When my partner is over, he will also chip in and make cups of teas and cook the tea for all of us as will I. I'm not sure why anyone wouldn't want to help others who make an effort to do things for you.

I have lived at university for a few years and have also lived abroad in the past. I am hoping to move out before the baby is here, yes but this will depend on solicitors etc.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 14/08/2022 16:57

Have you got any self awareness as to what you sound like?

When you're not living there what 'weight' do you think she will be pulling, if she wants a cuppa, she'll make herself one. If she doesnt, she wont. If she doesnt want to make herself one, she wont get one

Its HER house!!!

LittleBearPad · 14/08/2022 17:00

You’re very spoilt. Make your own tea and don’t damage other peoples things. It’s not hard.

If you bf’s family are so wonderful maybe move in with them too

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 17:01

britneyisfree · 14/08/2022 08:59

Since reaching adulthood? You're 30! That was quite a while back. Hurry up and move outHmm

I said since becoming an adult, things have changed between us and we don't see eye to eye anymore. I didn't state what age becoming an 'adult' was.

I'm aware I'm 30, I left university when I was 25, I lived abroad in several different places after that and since I've been back working in the UK I have been saving for a mortgage. I'm not sure if you're aware but with the increasing house prices, many people are now staying at home and living with their parents until their late 20s/early 30s.

OP posts: