Arguing with Mum since pregnancy

[Hope63]

Anyone else arguing more with parents since their pregnancy?

I'm 30 years old & currently living with my mum and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I'm in the process of buying a house with my partner.

Mum and I always had a good relationship, I was her only child and her world. Since becoming an adult, things have changed, we don't see eye to eye on household things which leads to arguments. This has especially become more apparent since becoming pregnant. She complains about everything I do which makes me feel anxious & feel like I'm walking on eggshells in the house.

Just as an example, she complained a tea towel had a stain on it that didn't come off in the wash. I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't. Anyway, instead of accepting a difference of opinion, she called me nasty names and stormed off upstairs and didn't speak to me for the whole night. Other things she complains about is how high I put the water in the kettle, I can only put the water level to number '3'. She will always find something to complain about every day and I find myself wasting time double checking how much water is in the kettle or making sure everything is back in my room so she can't complain I've left a pair of shoes out etc.

Since pregnancy, this has got worse. Part of me feels like there's underlying issues and she's upset that I'm leaving the house and upset that I'm starting my own family and she's venting it in an unhealthy angry way, rather than communicating with me about her feelings in a healthy way.

I'm more upset at the fact since I've been pregnant, I thought she would have been great and supportive but she's been the complete opposite. My mum works 12 hour days so understandably she's tired after work but she never cooks the tea. She doesn't even do little things to take care of me or help me out like make a cup of tea when she gets in from work or close the blinds or wash the dishes. I do it all the time. My partner has even brought it up in conversation how he feels like my mum 'forgets' that I'm pregnant sometimes, either that or she's not arsed but he said he doesn't understand why she wouldn't be arsed and I don't understand why she wouldn't care about my pregnancy either, especially with it being her first and probably only grandchild.

Is anyone else going through a similar thing or has any opinions as to why my mum might be reacting this way?

Yes, I work Mon-Fri 8 hours.

You have an incredibly judgemental tone. I work hard, also and so does my partner. My partner does not currently live with me and we are waiting for our house sale to go through. I don't need mothering. I just expect a fair contribution to cooking the tea and making brews. In my opinion, everyone living within a household should contribute fairly to these tasks regardless if I was pregnant or not.

Where in my initial post did I say I did nothing? I also work 8 hours Mon-Fri. I come home, I cook the tea for the both of us, I make the brews, wash the dishes etc. I've merely stated that when living in a house together, everyone should fairly contribute to these tasks and help each other out.

Do you remember in your OP you asked if anyone had opinions as to why she might be reacting to you in the way you say she is?

You've had post after post after post explaining and yet you still repeat as if you're highly entitled

You talk about waiting for your house sale to go through but this is irrelevant, you could have moved out into a rental, into a single bedsit, into your partner's house, all manner of options.

You have an incredibly judgemental tone and have given very little advice. My partner isn't rude in the slightest. When my partner comes over, he will cook us all tea, he will make the brews, he will wash the dishes, he will pay for our tea as will I. We are currently in the process of buying a house and are waiting for the sale to go through with our solicitor.

She is helping you out.

She's letting you live in her house

If you don't like her rules or the way she doesn't make you a brew after 12 hours at work. Move out.

Yada yada. Housing etc. we all know. Been there done that. Go stay with your partners family if they're so lovely. Or just air bnb it.

But it's her house. She shouldn't have to modify her behaviour for you. Her tea towels. Her rules.

I also work Mon-Fri 8 hours a day. Not once in my initial post did I say it's my mums job to make me tea. I merely stated that I cook us both tea, I make us both brews, I do the washing up, I close the blinds etc and it would be nice if she would also help me out from time to time as I don't understand why she wouldn't. If someone is helping you out, why wouldn't you help them out. I wouldn't expect anyone to help me out if I didn't help them out.

Yes, I agree. Thank you

I'm sure she is exhausted. I work hard, my partner works hard. We all work hard but that's why we should all help each other out where we can. I'm not sure why you think I'm spoiled, thoughtless and entitled when I cook us both tea, make the brews, do the dishes, pay rent, pay for the food. I have actually bought the majority of the tea towels, they're only £1 from B&M and I will happily buy more if they get too stained, that isn't a problem. I'm not lazy enough to grab kitchen roll, I choose not to use kitchen roll as a tea towel is more environmentally friendly and I will choose a tea towel or a dish cloth to wipe up spills which is personal preference. I'm not sure why people think calling someone horrible names and storming out is a normal reaction to a stained tea towel. I am hoping to be out before the baby is born, yes but I am waiting for the house sale to go through with my solicitor.

I do love a thread where OP just won't accept they do a single thing wrong despite over a hundred posts saying 'maybe self reflect a little'.. nope! No way! 😆

Yes I agree, I do believe our relationship will improve once I have moved out. My mum doesn't go to bed after work, she will sit on the sofa and scroll on her phone whilst I cook the tea, make the brews, wash the dishes, close the blinds, lock the doors etc. I have also worked an 8 hour day, not as long but in my opinion it's important to help each other out. Even if I cook the tea, she could put the kettle on and make us both a brew. It's just nice to share tasks rather than leaving it to one person, regardless if that person is pregnant or not.

Are you waiting for a house purchase to go through OP, you havent mentioned?

How much bloody tea do you drink? You’re obsessed.

This is my point entirely. In my initial post, I said that I do all of this. I work 8 hours Mon-Fri, I cook the tea, I make the brews, I wash the dishes etc. When my partner comes over, he will also do the same. My mum will never offer to do any of this even on weekends when she doesn't work. I just personally don't understand why you wouldn't want to help others who help you because like you said, it works both ways.

Are you aware you sound like a broken record OP?

I know its a technique some posters on this website talk about a lot but what they dont realise is that its not very effective, it only serves to make you sound obtuse.

So move out. Get a short term let until the sale completes, move in with your boyfriend before the baby arrives. I think it will be quite the eye opener

Why do you keep going on about 'helping others'?!

She IS helping you. Without her you'd be homeless. And how many bloody brews would you get then eh.

Your sense of entitlement is astounding.

But you're also not listening. Your mums outburst makes a lot of sense. I have so much sympathy for her

I don't have a problem with posters when they're wrong but they magnanimously take feedback on board. But that ain't gonna happen here is it? As you were!

I think this is very judgemental of you. Many people are staying at home with their parents until their late 20s/early 30s due to house price increases and longer education. This has become normal, especially where I am from. I have been working since I was 16 but I have also spent the majority of my early 20s in early education and have lived abroad. Nowhere in my initial post did I say I expect my mum to 'coddle' me. I pay rent, I buy the food, I cook us both tea, I make the brews, I wash the dishes etc and I also work 8 hours Mon-Fri. I just expect some help and some sharing of the tasks at home. I would expect this of anyone who lived with me regardless if I was pregnant or not.

I’ll be the lone voice here saying I do kind of see where you are coming from. If your mum works 12 hour shifts then surely she has at least two days off a week? It would be fair if she was able to throw a pasta dish together or even chuck a pizza in the oven a couple of days a week.

if this were a marriage where the man worked 12 hour days and the pregnant wife worked 8 hrs, yet paid for and made all meals on top then people would be saying that it would be fair if the husband did some of the tasks on his days off. Also I’m sure if a woman posted that her husband had sworn at her over a tea towel stain then there would be cries of LTB.

That’s not to say the situation is easy for your mum. It seems like she relies on you a lot for cooking/food money so she can do these 12 hour shifts. Is she doing long shifts because she wants to or because she needs to financially? How on earth is she going to cope with cooking and paying bills when you move out (which of course you MUST do no question). Maybe she naively hasn’t planned that you will move out and and rather than deal with it she is blowing up over stains on the tea towels.

Has she been encouraging and supportive about the house purchase?

Can you expand on this? I'm not sure why wanting everyone within the household to contribute fairly to tasks is seen as immature? My mum called me names and stormed off because there was a stain on a £1 B&M tea towel. I don't believe this to be rational or reasonable and was hoping people may be able to provide insight as to why someone would react this way. I know if I reacted this way to my partner over something insignificant, it would be due to something underling rather than the task at hand.

This doesnt make any sense

OP lives in her mothers house. Her mother can spend her spare time farting on the sofa in her underwear eating crisps in her spare time if she wants, she has NO obligation to do anything for anyone

If OP wants to cook meals or make teas for her, thats her choice but they are not equal partners, they're not even like flat mates, the mother is allowing her daughter to stay there (god knows why)

You make it sound like they are responsible for each other or the mother is responsible for the daughter, thats not the case

And the OPs obtuse intransigence would likely get someone swearing. All this faux shock at 'being called names' jesus, people on the thread who dont even know the OP are being exasperated and sweary, imagine living with her.

Ignorant comment. All pregnancies are different.

The underlying narrative is that she wants her house back, OP.

Simplistically - you’re behaving like a child.

You aren’t your mother’s flatmate. She doesn’t have to do anything for you. She is allowed to run her house as she wishes. She is doing you a huge favour by letting you stay.

I feel a little uncomfortable with this pile-on. Whether someone should be living with their parents or not at 30 is irrelevant; the OP’s mother has consented, OP pays rent, buys food, cooks, makes tea. Both parties have full time jobs. I know my 12 hour work days are actually easier (sitting at a desk) than, say, my friend’s 8 hour paramedic shift, so it seems relatively pointless without further information to compare how tired each person is. I also think it’s reasonable to be more tired than normal at 28 weeks pregnant. Nothing weird or spoiled there.

I think that it is relatively unreasonable to have a fight over a tea towel (tbh). I certainly wouldn’t pick a fight with someone over one and storm upstairs. This is passive aggressive red flag behaviour imo and I don’t think it’s fair. My guess is that your mother has been used to being a central and important person in your life. She may fear she is losing that as you transition to home ownership and motherhood yourself. This can feel quite invalidating when relationships and priorities change and maybe she is reacting weirdly by trying to control kettle use (surely most people wouldn’t even notice??) and losing her rag (pun not intended) about the tea towel. She may feel resentful that you won’t be her “world” soon. People have painted your mother as this long - suffering person who you are trampling on, but honestly, she’s getting extra income, food on the table at the end of her work day and the odd cuppa (as well as company). I’ve seen enough narcissistic selfish parenting to know that it may not be as simple as the OP being spoiled / demanding what’s not fair.

Either way, I hope things improve when you move out and you can establish a healthy relationship with your mum from a new vantage point. I’m sure she will love her grandchild when it arrives. In the meantime, I might just outright ask her if she’s doing okay and if there was anything you could do to make living together easier. It’s probably not massively realistic to expect a big change in approach around cooking and tea making at this point though and it isn’t too long before you will move out. Good luck.