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Original poster

Arguing with Mum since pregnancy

221 replies

Hope63 · 14/08/2022 00:19

Anyone else arguing more with parents since their pregnancy?

I'm 30 years old & currently living with my mum and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I'm in the process of buying a house with my partner.

Mum and I always had a good relationship, I was her only child and her world. Since becoming an adult, things have changed, we don't see eye to eye on household things which leads to arguments. This has especially become more apparent since becoming pregnant. She complains about everything I do which makes me feel anxious & feel like I'm walking on eggshells in the house.

Just as an example, she complained a tea towel had a stain on it that didn't come off in the wash. I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't. Anyway, instead of accepting a difference of opinion, she called me nasty names and stormed off upstairs and didn't speak to me for the whole night. Other things she complains about is how high I put the water in the kettle, I can only put the water level to number '3'. She will always find something to complain about every day and I find myself wasting time double checking how much water is in the kettle or making sure everything is back in my room so she can't complain I've left a pair of shoes out etc.

Since pregnancy, this has got worse. Part of me feels like there's underlying issues and she's upset that I'm leaving the house and upset that I'm starting my own family and she's venting it in an unhealthy angry way, rather than communicating with me about her feelings in a healthy way.

I'm more upset at the fact since I've been pregnant, I thought she would have been great and supportive but she's been the complete opposite. My mum works 12 hour days so understandably she's tired after work but she never cooks the tea. She doesn't even do little things to take care of me or help me out like make a cup of tea when she gets in from work or close the blinds or wash the dishes. I do it all the time. My partner has even brought it up in conversation how he feels like my mum 'forgets' that I'm pregnant sometimes, either that or she's not arsed but he said he doesn't understand why she wouldn't be arsed and I don't understand why she wouldn't care about my pregnancy either, especially with it being her first and probably only grandchild.

Is anyone else going through a similar thing or has any opinions as to why my mum might be reacting this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:29

bellac11 · 14/08/2022 13:07

The updates are even worse

Phone someone on spareroom.com tomorrow, move out by next weekend and release your poor long suffering mother

Mind you, she should have chucked you out years ago

The whole point of this post is to try & understand any underlying issues to my mums irrational behaviour and the picking of arguments. The underlying issue may well be that she wants me to move out and this would be absolutely fine but she has never communicated this with me. If anything, she has done the opposite. She has said that if the house sale does not go through prior to the birth of the baby that I can stay at the house until it does and has even offered her bedroom up as it's bigger. I'm not sure she would do this if she wanted me to move out. Maybe she would, I don't know. This is what I'm trying to understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:32

ChateauMargaux · 14/08/2022 13:08

Many women find their relationship with their mother goes through a difficult period when they become parents themselves. There are as many reasons for this as there are mother daughter relationships.

She may find herself with a bunch of feelings that she doesn't fully understand herself. Her relationship with you is about to change, her view of herself will be changing as will her view of you. She will be reflecting on her life to date, the fact that she is a single mum, that you are an only child, that she has no other family and had no other support when she had you (filling in.. might be wrong). Menopause, the end of fertility and transitioning from motherhood to grandmotherhood is a big change and as well as the physical metamorphosis and hormonal changes there are many emotions that need to be processed.... for many women, there is a HUGE amount of inexplicable anger... partly hormonal but also when we look back and see how much our lives was about putting other people's needs first.. changing our focus and not knowing how to do that.. seeing our parents age and sometimes struggling to see the point of life.

She is still working 12 hour days to keep a roof over your head.. you may well pay rent but she may feel a lot of financial pressure.

Whatever she is thinking... give her space, show her love and be patient.

Hello,

I really appreciate your feedback. Thank you for showing understanding and being informative in your reply :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:36

GiltEdges · 14/08/2022 13:24

Well in all fairness, if anyone should be helping to take the load off you because you’re pregnant then it should be your partner i.e. the father of the baby, not your mother.

Though saying that, if you’re having an otherwise standard pregnancy then you also probably need to get a bit of a grip. We’ve all been there, and most of us find pregnancy draining and uncomfortable, particularly towards the end. But it isn’t an illness, nor is it anyone else’s problem, so best to just get on with it.

Thanks for your feedback. My partner helps out hugely. When he comes over, he will cook the tea for all of us, make the cups of tea, wash the dishes etc as will I and also pay for everyone's food. My mum absolutely loves coming home to cooked tea and loves having her tea cooked for her on the weekend, who wouldn't but I feel it's only fair she should contribute to this and offer to make a cup of tea or do the dishes when someone else has cooked the food.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:38

Greybutterfly · 14/08/2022 13:41

Move into your partner parents house. Give your poor mum a break. Although I don’t think they would put up with you acting like a spoilt princess. Your choice to get pregnant, your not sick. I think you are in for a big shock when the baby comes along

The whole point of this post is to try & understand any underlying issues to my mums irrational behaviour and the picking of arguments. The underlying issue may well be that she wants me to move out and this would be absolutely fine but she has never communicated this with me. If anything, she has done the opposite. She has said that if the house sale does not go through prior to the birth of the baby that I can stay at the house until it does and has even offered her bedroom up as it's bigger. I'm not sure she would do this if she wanted me to move out. Maybe she would, I don't know. This is what I'm trying to understand but thank you for your judgemental reply.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 14/08/2022 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Deleted for troll hunting

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:42

bellac11 · 14/08/2022 16:57

Have you got any self awareness as to what you sound like?

When you're not living there what 'weight' do you think she will be pulling, if she wants a cuppa, she'll make herself one. If she doesnt, she wont. If she doesnt want to make herself one, she wont get one

Its HER house!!!

Thanks for your opinion. I will politely disagree. I believe anyone living in the same house should share the tasks between them. I don't believe one person should be expected to do everything no matter if they work a few hours less. Everyone works hard and it is nice to help one another out. This is what my partner's family does and this is what we will be teaching our children.

OP posts:
Basilthymerosemary · 14/08/2022 20:42

OP- I think you just need to accept that you've outstayed your welcome.
You've never answered anyones questions about rent- are you paying market rate or are you on 'token' rent? If not a full house share rent, then you are saving money and should be thankful. What happens if the chain collapses? And if your baby arrives before completion or exchange? You expect your mother to house both you and a child when you have a partner- but you both chose to live at home?
You can say that more and more people are living at home until they are older- but you are 30. It's still very odd! And still in the minority in the UK. I'd personally be embarrassed to tell anyone that I still lived at home especially when I'm meant to be providing a home for my child. Just move out and do a short term let. Get some bloody dignity and move out. You are ignoring everyone's advice and keep harping on about how you expect a house to run. It obviously is not the same as how your mother runs her house. And it's not about the tea towels- I think it's the final straw. If you don't move out now- you may never recover your relationship with your mother as you'll both be picking at each other until the relationship snaps.

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:45

gamerchick · 14/08/2022 17:15

So move out then. You don't get to tell her what to do in her own house.

I don't tell her what to do in her own house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:47

BellaLab · 14/08/2022 17:16

If you were my DC I’d have asked you to move out LONG before now due to your behaviour. My youngest DC moved out last year and would never have expected me to make meals or tea! If I CHOSE to do these things fine but I would not be dictated to in my own home.

Please see replies to other users for more context. I don't expect anything from my mum but I do believe everyone living within the same household should share responsibilities, tasks and help one another out.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2022 20:48

Please see replies to other users for more context.

You are a living, breathing broken record. You are simply not interested in anyone's replies that don't suit your agenda.

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:50

HSKAT · 14/08/2022 17:17

In my initial post, I have not once said that my mum 'needs' to cook dinner or make a cup of tea

No but your complaining she doesn't after a 12 hour shift.
She doesn't take care of you by not making you cuppa is what you said in your op

😂 like? Sorry it's abit laughable really.

Yes, I'm saying when she comes home to a cooked tea every night why wouldn't you make a cup of tea as a thank you? It's just about respecting each other isn't it. I don't have to make the tea for my mum but I do and I don't think it's unreasonable to do these little things for each other to show you appreciate each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:51

bellac11 · 14/08/2022 17:23

DC is a ridiculous cringey affectation on this website where people refer to their kids as 'dear children' (shudders).

You need to move out. Your point about people remaining in their parents home for longer these days is one of the reason we have an overly infantilised adult population without practical skills and without emotional resilience.

OK.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 14/08/2022 20:53

So dont cook her dinner then, shes an adult she can sort her own food out

What is the agreement between you anyway, is she saying its part of the agreement for you to live there??

SirChenjins · 14/08/2022 20:54

The whole point of this post is to try & understand any underlying issues to my mums irrational behaviour and the picking of arguments. The underlying issue may well be that she wants me to move out and this would be absolutely fine but she has never communicated this with me. If anything, she has done the opposite. She has said that if the house sale does not go through prior to the birth of the baby that I can stay at the house until it does and has even offered her bedroom up as it's bigger. I'm not sure she would do this if she wanted me to move out. Maybe she would, I don't know. This is what I'm trying to understand

Mumsnet is not going to help you understand - the only person who can help you understand is your mum. You need to sit down with her and have a good long chat with her - it sounds like you haven’t done this?

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:54

user73783 · 14/08/2022 17:34

@Hope63 so you talk about fairly contributing in regards to making tea, do you fairly financially contribute to the household? So assuming there are 3 of you in the house, do you pay a third of all the bills? Do you contribute towards things such as the tea towels?

Yes, I pay rent and I buy the food. My partner lives with his own family and stays over maybe 2 or 3 nights a week. When partner is here, he will cook everyone tea, make a cup of tea and do the dishes and also pay for the food which my mum absolutely loves BTW so it would be nice if she would offer to maybe wash the dishes when my partner or I has cooked the tea just to chip in a bit. It's just nice to help one another out in my opinion. I have bought some of the tea towels, yes and some of them my mum has bought :)

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/08/2022 20:56

She doesn't want to
She doesn't want to
She doesn't want to
She doesn't want to
She doesn't want to
She doesn't want to
She doesn't want to
She doesn't want to. Give it a bloody rest man. She probably isn't as much as a fan of tea like you seem to be. It's weird.

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 20:57

bellac11 · 14/08/2022 17:44

So despite every post advising you that you are needing to look at your attitude and that your mum is not unfair, you're still arguing about it

I agree with another poster earlier, you are hard work

Many posts I have replied to have suggested that I am lazy, don't cook, don't work, don't pay rent which is all incorrect. I wanted to clear this up to give a bit more context to the situation.

OP posts:
HMSSophia · 14/08/2022 20:57

Ok. So She hates you. She won't make the brews deliberately in order to tell
You she hates you. You have a horrible
Mean selfish mum. You are going to be a great mum. Your child is going to adore you for ever. Your own mum is a bitch because she wont make the brew after you've prepared tea.

Your mum is mean selfish and horrible and you are a saint

Better?

TastesLikeStrawberries · 14/08/2022 21:06

OP, what do you think is going to happen when you move out, have your baby and your DP is at work? Do you think someone's going to be there to make you hot cups of tea or do the dishes for you?

You keep mentioning about being pregnant, why do you expect to be treated differently because you're pregnant? You can tell you live at home and were an only child...

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 21:06

Caass45 · 14/08/2022 17:51

I dont want to rat on you or make you feel bad but your argument is a bit flawed. Your calling out your mum for getting upset over something petty like a stained tea towel but your complaining about something equally as petty as making a cup of tea.

Can I ask though...if you have your mums dinner on the table when she gets in from her 12 hour shift from work...how do you expect her to offer to make the dinner? You've taken that decision out of her hands.

I worked 10-12 hour shifts 5 days a week right up until 7 days before I gave birth and as much as my husband helped around the house it was never assumed by me he should do more. You chose to get pregnant so please don't make your mum feel bad that you now expect her to do more for you. You are a grown up, she's had her pregnancy and been there done that.

I think you need to take a deep breath, buying a house and being pregnant Is stressful so just take each day as it comes and remember you will be in your own place before you know it with your own wee family. If your mum doesn't do the cooking or the shopping now she will soon have too so don't worry about it. Just focus on growing your little person and moving into your own place and thinks will align themselves in time

Hi, thanks for your informative reply, I appreciate it.
My mum got irrationally angry and stormed out over a stain on a tea towel, she got more than upset and this what led me to think there may be underlying issues at hand as I didn't think it was a normal reaction.
I don't get angry at her for not making a cup of tea, I just don't understand why she wouldn't want to help out when I do my share of the tasks and so does my partner when he's here. If I cook her tea, why not make a cup of tea or offer to do the dishes after it. If she made the tea, I would always offer to do the dishes after it as I believe most people around me would.

My mum doesn't work on weekends and is able to cook the tea if she wanted but still does not offer to so regardless if she is working her 12 hour shifts or has the day off, she still doesn't offer to help out with any tasks.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 14/08/2022 21:09

Excuse the pun but this is hopeless.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2022 21:09

Your mother doesn't have to offer to do shit in her home.

This is either a wind up or you are the most obtuse, self-absorbed person alive.

Curlywurly3 · 14/08/2022 21:12

Please, for the love of God, let’s stop replying! I can’t take the same reply from OP anymore 🤯 I am going to be dreaming about ‘brews’ ‘cooking the tea’ and ‘£1 tea towels from B&M!’

OP feels she is in the right, mother is in the wrong. Nothing we say will change that. She needs to sit down and talk things through with her mother to find out what the UNDERLYING ISSUE is (forgot about that one!) or move out.

It actually sounds like a bot is replying 🤖

Original poster
Hope63 · 14/08/2022 21:12

Basilthymerosemary · 14/08/2022 17:52

Excuses. You could have moved out years ago and rented. Are you paying market value rent?
I wouldn't like anyone using all my tea towels to wash up spills as unless you throw them in the wash and actually wash them straight away they will stain (I can't stand stained tea towels, it looks dirty and lazy) so it means you'd be turning the washing machine on for a tea towel?!
Move out. Her house her rules. You're bloody 30yrs old with a partner and a baby on the way. Actually adult independently away from your mother.

As mentioned previously to other users, I was at university until the age of 25, I then lived abroad. I have been saving up for a mortgage for several years which I am very grateful to my mum hat I have had the opportunity to be able to do that. The whole point of this post is to try & understand any underlying issues to my mums irrational behaviour and the picking of arguments. The underlying issue may well be that she wants me to move out and this would be absolutely fine but she has never communicated this with me. If anything, she has done the opposite. She has said that if the house sale does not go through prior to the birth of the baby that I can stay at the house until it does and has even offered her bedroom up as it's bigger. I'm not sure she would do this if she wanted me to move out. Maybe she would, I don't know. This is what I'm trying to understand.

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 14/08/2022 21:13

Curlywurly3 · 14/08/2022 21:12

Please, for the love of God, let’s stop replying! I can’t take the same reply from OP anymore 🤯 I am going to be dreaming about ‘brews’ ‘cooking the tea’ and ‘£1 tea towels from B&M!’

OP feels she is in the right, mother is in the wrong. Nothing we say will change that. She needs to sit down and talk things through with her mother to find out what the UNDERLYING ISSUE is (forgot about that one!) or move out.

It actually sounds like a bot is replying 🤖

It really does.

Sit down and talk to your mum OP, and stop faffing around on here talking about brews.