Arguing with Mum since pregnancy

[Hope63]

Anyone else arguing more with parents since their pregnancy?

I'm 30 years old & currently living with my mum and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I'm in the process of buying a house with my partner.

Mum and I always had a good relationship, I was her only child and her world. Since becoming an adult, things have changed, we don't see eye to eye on household things which leads to arguments. This has especially become more apparent since becoming pregnant. She complains about everything I do which makes me feel anxious & feel like I'm walking on eggshells in the house.

Just as an example, she complained a tea towel had a stain on it that didn't come off in the wash. I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't. Anyway, instead of accepting a difference of opinion, she called me nasty names and stormed off upstairs and didn't speak to me for the whole night. Other things she complains about is how high I put the water in the kettle, I can only put the water level to number '3'. She will always find something to complain about every day and I find myself wasting time double checking how much water is in the kettle or making sure everything is back in my room so she can't complain I've left a pair of shoes out etc.

Since pregnancy, this has got worse. Part of me feels like there's underlying issues and she's upset that I'm leaving the house and upset that I'm starting my own family and she's venting it in an unhealthy angry way, rather than communicating with me about her feelings in a healthy way.

I'm more upset at the fact since I've been pregnant, I thought she would have been great and supportive but she's been the complete opposite. My mum works 12 hour days so understandably she's tired after work but she never cooks the tea. She doesn't even do little things to take care of me or help me out like make a cup of tea when she gets in from work or close the blinds or wash the dishes. I do it all the time. My partner has even brought it up in conversation how he feels like my mum 'forgets' that I'm pregnant sometimes, either that or she's not arsed but he said he doesn't understand why she wouldn't be arsed and I don't understand why she wouldn't care about my pregnancy either, especially with it being her first and probably only grandchild.

Is anyone else going through a similar thing or has any opinions as to why my mum might be reacting this way?

You're 30 so I'm thinking your mothers is mid 50s and exhausted if she's doing 12 hour shifts.
She doesn't have to wait on you, you're not ill.
If my daughter was lazy enough to stain a teatowel because she couldn't be bothered grabbing kitchen roll I'd be annoyed too.
Time you moved out ( please tell us you're going before the baby is born!) and give your mother space and peace.
I'm sorry op you sound spoiled, thoughtless and entitled.

My mum works 12 hour days so understandably she's tired after work but she never cooks the tea. She doesn't even do little things to take care of me or help me out like make a cup of tea when she gets in from work or close the blinds or wash the dishes.

Well I imagine it's a reverse because this can't be real.

You need to move out. You are long past the stage where you stop being parent-child and need to be adult-adult.

Being pregnant is probably making it even more obvious that you are moving on to the next stage of your life and so you are both getting on each other's nerves. There are probably a lot of mixed messages going on 'look after me and make me a cup of tea' but also 'stop telling me what to do!'

You also have unrealistic expectations of life - nobody cooks tea after a 12 hour shift, they just fall into bed.

You need to move on and practice taking care of yourself. You and your mum will suddenly get on so much better.

Your reply is very assumptious. Yes, I am working. I work 8 hours a day and I have been working since the age of 16. I give my mum rent every month which she has never asked for, I have done so willingly for many years. My partner lives with his own parents. As my previous post said, we are waiting for our house to go through. Many people on this thread don’t seem to realise that in the current climate it takes months for houses to go through. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about that. I would have loved to move out years ago.

I am expecting my mum to help out particularly when I am pregnant and it takes longer for me to do things, just as I would expect anyone to help out. Why should anyone be the sole receiver of a cup of tea? Imagine if a colleague said ‘yes’ to a cup of tea every time you made one but never contributed towards making anyone else a cup of tea. It goes two ways.

Actually, according to the internet tea towels also known as kitchen towels can be used for many things including:

• Drying dishes
• drying hands
• wiping up spills and liquids
• disinfecting countertops
• holding hot dishes
• improvised mitt when folded up into layers
• sweeping off a messy cutting board
• drying off herbs and vegetables

It’s personal preference whether or not you want to use kitchen roll, a dish cloth or a tea towel to wipe up spills. I’m happy to use anything to hand and will always put it in the wash pile after doing so. I don’t expect to be called ‘fucking stupid’ when I have a difference of opinion to someone else over washing up a tea stain. It’s completely unimportant in my opinion and not something I would pick an argument about with anyone.

Thanks for your input. I don’t believe this is true though as my mum has pointed out plenty of times that she will be upset to see me go and tells me she misses me when I stay away for a few nights or go on holiday. I know my mum and I know she would have me living there for as long as she could. My mum does not have a partner or any other family.

Your reply is presumptuous. She has never asked me not to wipe spills up with a tea towel. This was out of the blue. I wash spills up with anything to hand including kitchen roll but I prefer to use tea towels or dish cloths as they are environmentally friendly - this is my personal preference. I don’t believe anyone should be called ‘fucking stupid’ for having a difference of opinion especially over something so unimportant. Stress harms your unborn baby and I certainly wouldn’t pick a fight with anyone over a stain on a tea towel.

They still miss you but also glad once your gone 😂
I think your expecting a lot though, as others your pregnant not ill.
Yes having cup of tea made is nice but why not make her some tea after a 12 hour shift? I'm sure she'd be more inclined to make you a cuppa then.
Whilst giving is not to receive it does work both ways.

Thank you for your input.
I’m very laid back in comparison to my mum. I wouldn’t have an issue with anyone choosing to wipe a stain with a dish cloth, tea towel or kitchen roll as long as it was put in the wash pile straight after use which is what I do. Tea towels and dish cloths are more environmentally friendly and cheaper - this is my personal preference and I don’t expect to be called ‘fucking stupid’ over something so insignificant.

Thank you. Yes, I agree. I have been wanting to move out for years but with the rising house prices it has been difficult. Solicitors are taking longer in the current climate for house sales to go through but hopefully all going well with no bumps in the road, we will be in by September/October. Baby is due in November.

Oh my god, you're an absolute self-absorbed nightmare.

You're THIRTY FUCKING YEARS OLD. If you've been working since you were sixteen you should have moved out years ago. I can't believe you're sitting there expecting your mother working very long hours to coddle and baby you, and thinking that it's anything other than her house where He makes the rules.

Where *she makes the rules. I'm not at all religious.

Grow up OP.

Why does it take you longer to do things at 28 weeks? You've got a long way to go yet!

All your posts are about you and inconvenience to you. You asked for ideas about why your mum is being like this and people have suggested why, but you're not interested.

Your personal preferences are irrelevant. Your mum has asked you not to do these things but you still think you're right. How are you going to cope with baby if you need help sharing the load of closing a blind or making a cup of tea?

Here's a tip : if you don't want to be arguing with your mum, simply stop arguing with her. These differences of opinion are not worth it.

I’m very laid back

You sound as laid back as a nuclear war.

Your poor mother. What a spoilt madam you are!

Tea towels are not cheaper than using one sheet of kitchen roll. They are also not cheaper than using a dishcloth if you’re worried about single use items. You’ve damaged your mum’s property and it’s upset her. You may think that’s silly but it’s her stuff. You should replace it.

You should also get on the phone to your solicitor and chase them up.

I'm sure your relationship will improve once you move out. In the meantime I would cut her some slack, she has the patience of a saint to let her child live with her for 30 years, she isn't perfect but neither are you. Be grateful you've had the opportunity to save up and buy a house by living with her.

This.

I did have my own house, working full time, in the evenings and weekends I was hanging wallpaper, painting woodwork, sewing curtains, cooking, cleaning, gardening, all at 36 weeks. My mom would have thought I was unhinged if I wanted her to make me a cup of tea. You're pregnant not ill.

Good luck in your new home with your baby

This ^

You should be making her tea after a 12 hour shift.

Your pregnant, not disabled.

If I was not working and my mum was doing 12 hour days, I would be doing everything.. everything. I would not expect her to do a thing. I would have it taken care of before she got in from work.
What age is your mum? You are 30 years young and pregnant, not incapacitated 🤷‍♀️

Yep me too.

OP, you do realise you're going to be responsible for another human in about 12 weeks? And you're not going to have your mum cook your tea etc.. you're likely going to be the one doing everything in the house. Do you realise this?

I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't.

Great. When you have your own house you can stain as many tea towels as you like. She wants her’s to look clean, that’s more than fair enough. They’re her items. If you were visiting someone else’s house would you behave that way?

I think you need to manage your expectation. It appears you want your mum to to treat you extra special because your are pregnant. It may be case that your mum does not see pregnancy as something special - a lot of older generation don't. Many of them see pregnancy as something you go through and get on with. It sounds as though your mum finds you annoying. I think you need to consider you are in your mums home and are not on an equal footing even if you do pay rent. When you move in to your own home, you can do things your way but whilst living under her roof, it may best to do things her way to keep the peace. I think it is a bit unreasonable to expect your mum to make you dinner.