Arguing with Mum since pregnancy

[Hope63]

Anyone else arguing more with parents since their pregnancy?

I'm 30 years old & currently living with my mum and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. I'm in the process of buying a house with my partner.

Mum and I always had a good relationship, I was her only child and her world. Since becoming an adult, things have changed, we don't see eye to eye on household things which leads to arguments. This has especially become more apparent since becoming pregnant. She complains about everything I do which makes me feel anxious & feel like I'm walking on eggshells in the house.

Just as an example, she complained a tea towel had a stain on it that didn't come off in the wash. I said it's a tea towel, it can be used for wiping up spillages on the worktop therefore it's bound to get stains on it. This is personal preference, some people may prefer to use kitchen roll, I don't. Anyway, instead of accepting a difference of opinion, she called me nasty names and stormed off upstairs and didn't speak to me for the whole night. Other things she complains about is how high I put the water in the kettle, I can only put the water level to number '3'. She will always find something to complain about every day and I find myself wasting time double checking how much water is in the kettle or making sure everything is back in my room so she can't complain I've left a pair of shoes out etc.

Since pregnancy, this has got worse. Part of me feels like there's underlying issues and she's upset that I'm leaving the house and upset that I'm starting my own family and she's venting it in an unhealthy angry way, rather than communicating with me about her feelings in a healthy way.

I'm more upset at the fact since I've been pregnant, I thought she would have been great and supportive but she's been the complete opposite. My mum works 12 hour days so understandably she's tired after work but she never cooks the tea. She doesn't even do little things to take care of me or help me out like make a cup of tea when she gets in from work or close the blinds or wash the dishes. I do it all the time. My partner has even brought it up in conversation how he feels like my mum 'forgets' that I'm pregnant sometimes, either that or she's not arsed but he said he doesn't understand why she wouldn't be arsed and I don't understand why she wouldn't care about my pregnancy either, especially with it being her first and probably only grandchild.

Is anyone else going through a similar thing or has any opinions as to why my mum might be reacting this way?

I'm not sure if you're aware but with the increasing house prices, many people are now staying at home and living with their parents until their late 20s/early 30s. .

I'm not sure you are aware that she probably went into parenthood with the reasonable expectation that you would either get a job at 18 or go to university and be relatively independent and she would then have space in her life to reduce the amount of time and energy she spent caring for someone else.

She probably thought.. Ok.. I will support her extended education... Ah.. she has a job abroad.. now I can have that space I crave.. and then you came back... she has a boyfriend... maybe she will now move out and stand on her own two feet.. oh no.. they are saving for a house.. OK.. I can support that... she is pregnant... and she is still here!!

Just like when you get within sight of the finish line for something.. sometimes the last stretch is really difficult.

She works 50% more hours than you do. She has spent 30 years supporting you. You are not housemates who share resources, you are living with her in the house she considers as hers because you are saving for a house so you are not contributing fully!! Cooking for her, locking up at night and making her cups of tea is nothing compared to 30 years of her supporting you.. 12 more than she might have reasonably expected at the outset.

Yes things have changed regarding house prices but she is shouldering the impact of this and maybe she has had enough!

No, the mother has no obligation to do anything for her daughter and they aren’t even obliged to each like flatmates. However they are mother and daughter and in an ideal world there would be a deep unconditional bond between them, whereby a mum may say “you’ve been cooking so much for me my love, why don’t I take care of Friday nights dinner and get some bits to put in the oven?”

I am just trying to look at it from another angle. At the moment OPs mum allows her DD to live at home, in return she receives support financially with the shopping/bills and having meals prepared which helps her work long hours. I’m wondering if she is stressed about the arrangement finishing and can’t communicate that, so the arguments are blowing up about other things.

Only a small proportion of people on this thread have given any suggestions or advice. I am interested in advice but most people have just made assumptions that I'm lazy, don't work, don't pay rent etc which is incorrect.

This is the first time my mum has mentioned not cleaning up spills with a tea towel. I don't 'need' the help. I just think it's nice to share the tasks when you live together. When I cook the tea, she could make a brew for example and vice versa. When my partner comes over, he cooks the tea, makes the brew and washes the dishes. It's just about helping each other out.

Hopefully you will move out soon because it sounds like the relationship would be better once you've flown the nest.

Focus on that and just try to muddle through and get your own place as soon as you can.

I might be inclined to agree with that if OP presented in any way normal, insightful, flexible, reflective and open to her mother's experiences

But she hasnt shown one sniff of any of that. I imagine living with her is very hard work.

’Brew’ is now making my teeth itch.

I completely agree with this. I don't want to argue, I don't understand where the arguments come from or why they happen. My mum picks arguments with me about anything. My mum will shout at me and get irrationally angry for doing things that she may even do herself. For example, if I forget to switch the shower light off which is very rare, I will get shouted at for it. If she forgets to turn the shower light off, I won't even mention it, I will just turn it off as she obviously didn't leave it on on purpose, it was just a mistake and I just want to be treated the same way I treat her.

Which tells you she's had enough of you living with her and wants her own damn space back.

How often is your boyfriend over too? If it’s a lot and she’s potentially got a baby moving in if the house sale doesn’t go through pre-birth then I imagine she’s at the end of her tether

OK, thank you for your feedback.

If I had a 30 year old daughter who ended up back home with me, I would definitely expect us to all pull together as a team. Even more so if she was pregnant. I'd like to see it as a nice, bonding time before she set off on her own life and I became a Grandma. I would only expect token rent as well. I don't get why everyone is being so hard on the OP.

For example, if I forget to switch the shower light off which is very rare, I will get shouted at for it. If she forgets to turn the shower light off, I won't even mention it, I will just turn it off as she obviously didn't leave it on on purpose, it was just a mistake and I just want to be treated the same way I treat her.

Sorry if I have missed this but do you pay her market rate rent? If yes, it's probably that she doesn't like it that you, your partner and soon your baby live with her. As a grown up, you really ought to have thought your loving situation though before having a baby? Why aren't you in your now place?

You act like you have equal say and rights in your mother's home. You do not.

Tea towels are cheaper as they last longer, they can be washed whereas kitchen roll is for single use and they aren't environmentally friendly. I have bought most of the tea towels in the house, they are approx £1 from B&M and I will happily buy more, that isn't a problem. I just don't expect to be unreasonably shouted at, that isn't normal behaviour in my opinion over a tea stain and wanted to understand the underlying issues.

I have chased the solicitor up.

I don't get why everyone is being so hard on the OP.

I'd be a bit disappointed in my kiddo if they hadn't managed to sort our their own home before making a family.

Sounds like you've outstayed your welcome.

People can start to irritate each other when they really start to need space.

Again, I am really confident that your relationship will greatly improve when you have your own home and she has hers to herself.

Sorry people are being harsh OP. I think your mum’s outbursts have hurt your feelings at a time when you need support, but people are focussing on what you’ve said about cups of tea etc.

Your thread title says that you have been arguing with your mum since the pregnancy. What was the relationship like before? When you lived there and when you lived away? Is your father/any siblings in the picture or is it just the two of you?

Sorry, completely not helpful, but it's really distracting how you keep saying 'cook the tea' instead of cook tea!

I just think it's nice to share the tasks when you live together.

That's you. She doesn't feel the same way as you. You're talking about the house is if you and she are equal stakeholders. You're not. It's her house. You're just a lodger. If she doesn't want the blinds down or the house locked up or to sit on her sofa scrolling on her phone she is perfectly entitled to that.

Seriously move out. Get a short term airBnB or something. You and your bf still living with parents when you're having a baby is ridiculous. Sure plenty come back to their parents after uni - but you're pregnant and 30 FGS - you need to start adulting.

You sound obsessed with ‘brews’ How many do you drink a day to make the preparation of them such an arduous task?!!

Your expectations that everyone mucks in, does their share are fine in say a house share where everyone is on an equal footing and pays their way.
Whether you like it or not, this is still your mums house, even if you are paying rent ( not market value I suspect).
Things aren’t equal. It’s HER house, her rules. I think for the sake of your relationship I’d move out until your house is ready. Like other people have to do. We don’t all have the luxury of living with parents until our house is ready….

My mum will shout at me and get irrationally angry for doing things that she may even do herself

Menopause brings with is a huge amount of anger...

Christine Northrop's books..Mother Daughter Wisdom and The Wisdom of Menopause are worth reading for insights on this and definetly worth reading as you become a mother ... as I said before.... this transition often brings with it reflection on our own upbringing, the parenting we experineced and how we want to parent. (The book you wish your parents had read might be useful too.) But always keep in mind... while our parents are contributary factors to many of the challenges we have in life, they are also contributary factors to all the great things about us!!

I hope you reflect on the reasons behind yiur mother's actions rather than focussing on the tea towels.

I wonder if she is panicking that she is never going to be rid of you and now theres going to be a baby in the house in 10 weeks time.

Yes, I agree, our relationship will improve once moved out. I am very grateful for this but it still doesn't negate the fact that the behaviour my mum shown over a tea stain was irrational. I shouldn't have to put up with angry, irrational behaviour just because someone has allowed me to stay at their home. There needs to be communication. If my mum no longer wants me in the home, I would appreciate it if she communicated this with me rather than have angry outbursts, I especially wouldn't want these outbursts to happen in front of my child. If not wanting me in her home was the reason for her outbursts, this is fine, I would find somewhere else to live for the meantime until the house sale goes through.

I do. Please see replies to other users.

Are you planning to still be there when the baby comes?

Why arent you making plans now to find something temporary

You're expecting someone to change their behaviour in their OWN home

Even if every single person on this thread said she was out of order, she shouldnt have done that, shes a terrible person, you still need to MOVE OUT, her behaviour is her communication by the sounds of it