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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Pregnant again with ex used to be under ss

249 replies

Happyface12 · 25/04/2022 07:05

so long story short we had a child and the dad was abusive towards me during pregnancy ss got involved and me and dad split up so the child was on a child protection plan .. case is now on a child in need and it’s nearly closing. Problem is we went through a period throughout this where we started seeing each other again silly I know and now I’ve ended up pregnant again I’m not very far gone so I could get an abortion but I just want to know what would happen if I did keep it

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Nanny0gg · 25/04/2022 15:51

Whatever00 · 25/04/2022 12:45

Keep the baby. Don't do anything that you will regret. Be upfront with SS. Don't be surprised if they continue to monitor your family. Your decision making is pretty poor. However, it is hard to leave abusive relationships ss know that. If you are at risk of DV contact woman aid they might be able to support you to relocate. I think you should do the freedom project course

Why are you trying to talk her out of her decision?

Happyface12 · 25/04/2022 17:38

I have a consultation with abortion clinic this week then they will give me a scan then probably offer me an abortion pill

OP posts:
Happyface12 · 25/04/2022 17:41

AHungryCaterpillar · 25/04/2022 13:40

No one is saying that 😒 people are saying she will be tied to this man even more with not one child to look after but two as a single parent and ss could deem that she is not protecting her children and remove both considering she conceived this child whilst on a CP plan!

This child was actually conceived on a cin plan that was awaiting closure

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 25/04/2022 17:44

According to your other thread you weren't on the pill or using condoms you just asked him not to ejaculate inside you and you tested every month?

AHungryCaterpillar · 25/04/2022 17:49

AchillesPoirot · 25/04/2022 17:44

According to your other thread you weren't on the pill or using condoms you just asked him not to ejaculate inside you and you tested every month?

Well well

AHungryCaterpillar · 25/04/2022 17:51

Happyface12 · 25/04/2022 17:41

This child was actually conceived on a cin plan that was awaiting closure

And it only went down to that under the condition that you and your ex had split up 🙄

Happyface12 · 25/04/2022 17:51

AchillesPoirot · 25/04/2022 17:44

According to your other thread you weren't on the pill or using condoms you just asked him not to ejaculate inside you and you tested every month?

I am on the pill he wasn’t using condoms no but I forgot to take it a few times so I wasn’t exactly properly propected by it so I did ask him not to ejaculate which he did

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 25/04/2022 17:53

That's not quite what you said on your other thread. You said you didn't want to be putting hormones into your body.

Anyway. Whatever. I hope it all works out for your dd.

IncompleteSenten · 25/04/2022 17:53

AchillesPoirot · 25/04/2022 17:44

According to your other thread you weren't on the pill or using condoms you just asked him not to ejaculate inside you and you tested every month?

You mean this one?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy_choices/4533111-Found-out-I-m-pregnant-with-second-child-already-got-a-7-month-old

It's possible it may be a different poster with some similarities. MN will be able to look and see.

AchillesPoirot · 25/04/2022 17:55

I searched from the serials given by a pp?

greentriangle99 · 25/04/2022 18:20

Right, the OP's partner is violent and abusive. The OP isn't. It is not the OP's fault her partner chooses to be violent. It is not the OP's fault he is so disgusting he chooses to blackmail the mother of his child.

The posts shaming and berating the OP for the fact someone has been violent and abusive to her are disgusting and victim blaming. @Happyface12 I hope you haven't been too distressed by some of the disgusting posts on this thread.

Out of interest, I wonder if these people would say this to the face of a DV victim ? Or only this brave when typing over a keyboard to someone in a horribly stressful situation.

As for the pill, yes of course missing pills can make it less affective, but the abuse the OP has received for that is disgusting. She's missed/ forgotten a couple of pills, not committed mass murder.

AHungryCaterpillar · 25/04/2022 18:23

greentriangle99 · 25/04/2022 18:20

Right, the OP's partner is violent and abusive. The OP isn't. It is not the OP's fault her partner chooses to be violent. It is not the OP's fault he is so disgusting he chooses to blackmail the mother of his child.

The posts shaming and berating the OP for the fact someone has been violent and abusive to her are disgusting and victim blaming. @Happyface12 I hope you haven't been too distressed by some of the disgusting posts on this thread.

Out of interest, I wonder if these people would say this to the face of a DV victim ? Or only this brave when typing over a keyboard to someone in a horribly stressful situation.

As for the pill, yes of course missing pills can make it less affective, but the abuse the OP has received for that is disgusting. She's missed/ forgotten a couple of pills, not committed mass murder.

Wouldn’t have mattered if she missed the pill if she wasn’t sleeping with her violent ex, the point isn’t that she missed the pill the point is that she’s been sleeping with her violent ex and the reason her child was put on a CP plan.

greentriangle99 · 25/04/2022 18:29

AHungryCaterpillar · 25/04/2022 18:23

Wouldn’t have mattered if she missed the pill if she wasn’t sleeping with her violent ex, the point isn’t that she missed the pill the point is that she’s been sleeping with her violent ex and the reason her child was put on a CP plan.

His violence is the reason his children are on a CP plan. Maybe you should show a little more vitriol to him, a little less to the OP who is the victim.

Do you go to court to tell DV victims it was their fault as they shouldn't have dated the man in the first place ? To tell rape victims they shouldn't have gone back to the man's house etc ? Stop blaming a victim of male violence.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/04/2022 18:38

Deletion message in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

ZealAndArdour · 25/04/2022 18:46

@greentriangle99

Yes, but the reason that women in violent and abusive relationships sometimes have their children removed by SS is because they continually prioritise contact with the abuser over the welfare and safety of their children. Adult women can make their choices and accept them, but children can’t. OP can choose how she handles his blackmail and whether she continues the same cycle with him over and over.

I think people are trying to make the OP see that she is in a very serious situation and there is a credible risk of not only upgrading to a CP plan again, but of social services starting pre-proceedings to remove her baby and the unborn at birth if she continues the pregnancy.

This isn’t going to go away with a few white lies and asking people nicely not to share information. Even clinicians at a private abortion clinic are duty bound to safeguard children.

Clearly the OP is still scared of her abuser and he holds significant power over her, she is being coerced and blackmailed by him and her behaviour is entirely influenced by the threat he poses. But the only way to deal with this is to be honest with the social workers. Being up front with them, that they have been seeing each other again, explaining that she is now pregnant and is concerned for the escalating risk to existing baby and herself will secure further help. The fact that she is planning to have a termination so she does not have any further ties to him will be viewed positively by SS and they will rightly recognise that it is not appropriate to close the CIN plan yet as he still poses a significant risk.

If she tells loads of white lies and covers up the contact with him, and the pregnancy/termination and sweeps it all under the carpet, she is not securing safety for herself or her baby. He will get worse, OP or her baby will be harmed, and police/SS will be involved again and any chances of retaining parental responsibility would be gone forever.

OP seems to misguidedly think that because she can can look after her baby with clothes and food and hygiene that everything is fine and dandy and SS are happy. They were never involved (that we’ve been told) because they had concerns about her ability to do the basic tasks of baby care, it is about her being able to persistently and reliably safeguard her child from the emotional and physical harm caused by domestic abuse.

The stuff about the CP plan being downgraded to a CIN and then now moving towards closure is a red herring, those positive things happened based on lies and false information, false assurances provided to SS by the OP that she hasn’t stuck to. OP is very misguided if she thinks more lies will rectify the situation.

Comeshinewithme · 25/04/2022 20:12

HappyFace12, I am so sorry you are experiencing domestic abuse from this damaged man, who seeks to control you with verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse (ejaculating inside you without your consent is sexual abuse). He won't change I'm afraid, he can't, he needs to control you as he this is the pattern he has seen. He can't help repeating it . You deserve so much more than this. You are young and vulnerable - I wonder if you grew up witnessing domestic abuse yourself? If so, you probably don't have good role models and support around you and you are repeating the same patterns. But I have good news. You are a survivor. You can change your life and your daughter's life. You can make your own choices about your life and your body. You can do the Freedom project and work with other women's support groups as much as you need to, until you know you and your daughter deserve a life free of violence and fear, and full of happiness and love. Because that's what you do deserve HappyFace12. And when your daughter grows up, you can look her in the eye, knowing you didn't give her the same pattern to follow that you were given. That's real freedom and that's real love.

kittensinthekitchen · 25/04/2022 20:38

Am not gonna lie; I'm posting for the deletion message.

foxlover47 · 25/04/2022 22:07

Come back to this to see if OP is ok , you're answering everyone's questions and you've not been defensive over some of the not so supportive comments
I really hope you have support around you , this has been a proper victim blaming thread ...
It's not easy being the victim of a coercive bullying man , I hope everyone whose slammed you never had to experience what a mess it makes of your mind
Like I wrote earlier please tell SS everything and get their help ongoing ok
Xx

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2022 00:46

greentriangle99 · 25/04/2022 18:20

Right, the OP's partner is violent and abusive. The OP isn't. It is not the OP's fault her partner chooses to be violent. It is not the OP's fault he is so disgusting he chooses to blackmail the mother of his child.

The posts shaming and berating the OP for the fact someone has been violent and abusive to her are disgusting and victim blaming. @Happyface12 I hope you haven't been too distressed by some of the disgusting posts on this thread.

Out of interest, I wonder if these people would say this to the face of a DV victim ? Or only this brave when typing over a keyboard to someone in a horribly stressful situation.

As for the pill, yes of course missing pills can make it less affective, but the abuse the OP has received for that is disgusting. She's missed/ forgotten a couple of pills, not committed mass murder.

No one is shaming and berating her for the fact that her "partner" is abusive and violent, that's all on him.

Some people have shamed her for her actions, and it's clear they don't understand the intricacies of DV and coercive control, but that's not shaming her for his violence.

Regardless of what you think, lying to a DV victim isn't helpful. If they don't see the cold facts, they can't even begin to make the move to distance themselves from it. DV thrives on secrecy and people turning a blind eye, as does child abuse, and now that she is pregnant and planning to terminate, her & her child's risk factor has, and will further sky rocket.

Others have offered sound advice.

It would seem, however, that op's only "plan" is to abort (her right) and withhold this pertinent information from her child's social workers, and hope that the man doesn't tell social services that they have been sleeping together.

Again, this is increasing her risk factor of not only further violence, but losing her existing child.

I know the suffering of kids being lost into the system, and it looks to me that people offering advice on this thread are trying to help op prevent losing her child.

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2022 00:55

IncompleteSenten · 25/04/2022 17:53

You mean this one?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy_choices/4533111-Found-out-I-m-pregnant-with-second-child-already-got-a-7-month-old

It's possible it may be a different poster with some similarities. MN will be able to look and see.

Op, is that thread yours?

As I said, you need to start being honest with yourself as to what you are hoping for right now...

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2022 00:58

kittensinthekitchen · 25/04/2022 20:38

Am not gonna lie; I'm posting for the deletion message.

Please don't do that... regardless of anything, this information could help op or someone in a similar situation. Don't make light of that where DV etc is involved...

Happyface12 · 28/04/2022 16:31

foxlover47 · 25/04/2022 22:07

Come back to this to see if OP is ok , you're answering everyone's questions and you've not been defensive over some of the not so supportive comments
I really hope you have support around you , this has been a proper victim blaming thread ...
It's not easy being the victim of a coercive bullying man , I hope everyone whose slammed you never had to experience what a mess it makes of your mind
Like I wrote earlier please tell SS everything and get their help ongoing ok
Xx

Hi I’m okay thanks I’m getting abortion in about week and half they booked me in for scan then abortion after it . The lady at the clinic called me back after abs asked why I wanted an abortion and asked if there’s any history of dv or ss then asked if anyones pressuring me to make the decision. I’m not sure why she asked this i don’t know if something flags up on their system or if it’s Judy a question they ask everyone but she called me back after the consultation to ask so that’s made me paranoid but the case already close with ss and I doubt they can get back involved for an abortion which could be anyones can they nobody can exactly prove who the father is

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/04/2022 17:06

Are you able to stop seeing him completely unless another adult is there?

I really think that as he is manipulative and you are vulnerable, you being with him in private (including just you two and your child) is a bad idea.

Is that something you can ask your parent or a friend / relative to do for you - be present for all handovers etc?

SquigsC · 28/04/2022 17:11

I just had to comment to say how disgusting some of these messages are. You're basically witch hunting a woman who is a victim of domestic abuse, and who has come somewhere safe to try and get some options.

Abusers are highly manipulative - I know that with my abuser it took me so long to get out of that relationship, they make you totally reliant on them. The poster has made some steps to protect her child, and although it's a completely shitty situation, I think understanding is needed here more than scolding. @Happyface12 whatever you decide to do, please ensure you get support for yourself to help you and your son to move forward. I know it's not easy - here are a few places I recommend:

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Please get yourself some therapy if you can.

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