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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Pregnant again with ex used to be under ss

249 replies

Happyface12 · 25/04/2022 07:05

so long story short we had a child and the dad was abusive towards me during pregnancy ss got involved and me and dad split up so the child was on a child protection plan .. case is now on a child in need and it’s nearly closing. Problem is we went through a period throughout this where we started seeing each other again silly I know and now I’ve ended up pregnant again I’m not very far gone so I could get an abortion but I just want to know what would happen if I did keep it

OP posts:
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SnottyLottie · 25/04/2022 11:55

Also, blackmail is illegal so you could report him to the police about it. Let him know you know that it is illegal and will report it if he tries to hold it over you. I know this must be very scary for you but you have to be strong for yourself and your little one/s.

Robinni · 25/04/2022 11:56

tell social services what has happened and inform them he is blackmailing you

I agree with this. You need to tell them he is still being manipulative and abusive to you. He sounds like a controlling monster.

10HailMarys · 25/04/2022 11:59

I am 21 I have decided on abortion I think that’s the best option and I’m gonna do it through a clinic so it’s not on my records so he can’t use that against me then

Your ex can't 'use it against you' even if it's on your medical records, because he cannot, and would never be allowed to, access your medical records.

You also say you're worried about going to your GP in case they tell social services that you got back together with your ex - but if you see your GP for abortion advice/referral, you don't have to disclose who the father is, so the GP would not be able to tell social services.

Bunnyfuller · 25/04/2022 12:04

Do some reading on contraception and how it works. I can sympathise being sucked in again by this loser. I cannot sympathise on ‘only missed one or two’ and ‘thought I wasn’t ovulating’.

Nanny0gg · 25/04/2022 12:05

Can none of you read the OP's posts? It's very easy.

She has already said that she will have an abortion

AngelaRayner4PM · 25/04/2022 12:13

You have been put in the position to choose between a romantic/sexual relationship with this man and your child once, and you chose your child but then went back on that at the final hour. Now you're in the position to choose between a romantic/sexual relationship with this man and possible 2 children. Please, please leave this man. I know it can be hard to and I am sure this is made harder by still seeing each other and co parenting. But I would say in this situation your best policy is to come clean to everyone. Be really honest with everyone involved. Tell him that you regret sleeping with him and want to return co parenting (if that's what you want) , tell SS what's happened and ask them what better support you can get to not fall back under his spell again (freedom programme, an IDVA, counselling, groups, whatever they can offer you). Also take some initiative yourself. Read as much as you can about abuse, the impacts on children, trauma bonding, narcissism, etc. Arm yourself with all the facts.
As regards whether to have an abortion or not, that is up to you. Only you know you're true feelings on this. Don't feel bullied either way. You have a short bit of time to do some real soul searching. Yes there are economic struggles and single parenthood is hard and it's not ideal to be Bringing a child into this situation for various reasons, who their dad is (abusive) and with social services hanging over you like a heavy storm cloud.
But I have been in a similar situation and I chose to keep my baby. I moved to a refuge and I got every piece of help on offer. I've since been building my career, building a new life, had therapy, and I am grateful that I made the decision to keep my child every day. I am also so grateful to be able to have made a choice. To have really explored my options, because for me choosing not to have an abortion it was a big decision that day and I made it on the understanding that I would never, ever put my kids in the situation to have DV in their home again, that I was choosing my kids over any and every potential relationship, possibly until they all left home! For me it was a turning point where I took the steering wheel back in my life and decided to woman up, take responsibility for my whole situation even if it wasn't all my fault, step out of the drama triangle and become a circuit breaker for the pattern of abuse and generational trauma.
There is no world in which you get to keep any children and an abusive partner in your life. Maybe for a short time, but in the end if you choose the man you will lose the child. Every time. Don't you deserve to have a happy life? Doesn't your child? And even if you don't keep this baby, might you want another one some day? Don't limit yourself because of an abusive arsehole. You deserve better, and I believe you can do it. We all only get so many chances in life to get things right, you know that this relationship is wrong so please throw out the rubbish and prioritise yourself and your child over this piece of trash.

G3m · 25/04/2022 12:15

Having been in a situation where I got pregnant by an abusive ex, I terminated at 11 weeks. Is that an option?

bathsh3ba · 25/04/2022 12:25

Only have an abortion if you want to and think it is best for your circumstances. If you think you will regret it, to me, that is a sign you should think very carefully before getting one, and that getting one may not be your best option.

Are you with your ex now? If you are then SS will take a very dim view of it. If it was a one-off and you are determined to keep away from him (and to accept their help to do so) then you have more chance of keeping your children, but there will more than likely be a Child Protection Plan for the unborn baby. Don't lie, don't make excuses, don't run away.

If you keep going back to him, you do risk the children being taken into care but it will be done as a last resort.

Buttonjugs · 25/04/2022 12:29

You say you didn’t have a period for six months - that is absolutely normal for when you’ve had a baby! OP you sound very naïve, and possibly very young. You know if you want to keep the baby you’ll have to tell Social Services, you’ve come on here hoping for reassurance because ultimately you have already made up your mind to stay with an abusive man. There is no reassurance to be had, I’m afraid. You make excuses about why you can’t do anything that’s in the best interests of your existing child. I get from this that you intend to stay with him and have the baby. Good luck, you’re going to need it.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2022 12:30

Happyface12 · 25/04/2022 07:36

I was on the pill I literally missed maybe 1 or 2 also I haven’t had a period for like 6 months didn’t think I’d ovulate I feel like only choice is to abort really but I just know I’d regret it later on

It isn't whether you used protection that's the issue, it's that you reignited a relationship so bad for you and your child they SOCIAL SERVICES are involved.

I rarely say it but I'd get an abortion and NOT tell him.

If you can't trust yourself around him, do not see him alone.

Is he worth losing custody of your child for?

fossilsmorefossils · 25/04/2022 12:39

Happyface12 · 25/04/2022 07:36

I was on the pill I literally missed maybe 1 or 2 also I haven’t had a period for like 6 months didn’t think I’d ovulate I feel like only choice is to abort really but I just know I’d regret it later on

Every contraceptive pill comes with a booklet that says that if you miss one (or vomit or have diarrhea) you are not protected anymore and need to use alternative contraception (like condoms).

Basically, you were having sex without contraception. You sound very irresponsible with your life choices, maybe SS is the right path for you right now.

differentnameforthis · 25/04/2022 12:39

pocketbunny · 25/04/2022 11:30

@NewandNotImproved I think it's more vile that all these keyboard warriors are on here making a young woman feel like she has no choice but to abort her pregnancy. She HAS a choice. She already said she thinks she will regret it.

The father isn't physically abusive and has been permitted unsupervised time with his daughter. SS are involved. There will be people looking out for this child should OP choose to have it.

I would never, ever be comfortable telling someone to abort their baby. None of us know about this situation in reality. OP should be supported to make her own decision, not have "do gooders" telling her there is only one choice.

Read ALL op's posts...

He absolutely HAS been physically violent towards her.

There is no excusing you not reading her posts, as we are able to just view op's posts if we need to...

Whatever00 · 25/04/2022 12:45

Keep the baby. Don't do anything that you will regret. Be upfront with SS. Don't be surprised if they continue to monitor your family. Your decision making is pretty poor. However, it is hard to leave abusive relationships ss know that. If you are at risk of DV contact woman aid they might be able to support you to relocate. I think you should do the freedom project course

Alwayshoovering · 25/04/2022 12:46

twojumpingbeans · 25/04/2022 07:59

I think the replies on this post are absolutely hideous. Stop victim blaming!! You all sound so judgemental and clearly have absolutely no idea about how coercive control affects survivors. Also, saying things like 'social services will be breathing down your neck' is beyond unhelpful and paints a picture of social workers as baby snatchers. It's just not true.

The only victims here are the 2 innocent children that didn't ask to be brought into this shit show of an environment. Children always come first, as they have no free will and didn't ask for anything they have to endure. This comes from the survivor of a very abusive relationship in which I was stabbed before you accuse me of knowing nothing.

differentnameforthis · 25/04/2022 12:49

10HailMarys · 25/04/2022 11:59

I am 21 I have decided on abortion I think that’s the best option and I’m gonna do it through a clinic so it’s not on my records so he can’t use that against me then

Your ex can't 'use it against you' even if it's on your medical records, because he cannot, and would never be allowed to, access your medical records.

You also say you're worried about going to your GP in case they tell social services that you got back together with your ex - but if you see your GP for abortion advice/referral, you don't have to disclose who the father is, so the GP would not be able to tell social services.

He knows. she worried he will tell SS that she was/is pregnant. He's blackmailing her with it already.

AHungryCaterpillar · 25/04/2022 12:54

differentnameforthis · 25/04/2022 12:49

He knows. she worried he will tell SS that she was/is pregnant. He's blackmailing her with it already.

And she can simply say it wasn’t his, no baby no proof, no need to make it a drama it doesn’t need to be, abort and tell ss he wasn’t the father 🤷‍♀️

AHungryCaterpillar · 25/04/2022 12:55

Though I reckon the op has no intention of ending the pregnancy and I feel sorry for the kids and agree they are the only victims here

Imamocker · 25/04/2022 12:56

If you go a head with the pregnancy and social work find out that the ex is the father (which they will as he will tell them), your child and the unborn baby will almost definitely, be the subjects of a CP Plan. This is due to your inability to keep your children safe and the risk of physical and emotional harm.
Potentially,if you cannot stay away from your ex ,your child be removed from your care . Your unborn child would be removed from your care at birth. Please seek help asap

SmileyClare · 25/04/2022 13:00

I would advise getting referred to an abortion clinic via your gp. I doubt you can afford private treatment. You do not have to disclose the father's name.

The abortion clinic will provide you with some counselling and you do not have to proceed.

You need help and support to start making the right choices. That can be a first step.

I also suggest contacting Women's Aid. You are the victim of prolonged abuse and are now being threatened and blackmailed.
You're afraid of this man and rightly so. You need to get honest with ss, they can support and protect you.

I feel that you don't realise what a dangerous position you're in right now.

There are two main catalysts for abusive partners to escalate their violence to extreme levels;
The first is being pregnant by them and the second is attempting to leave them. You have both.
You cannot handle this situation without outside help.

differentnameforthis · 25/04/2022 13:00

AHungryCaterpillar · 25/04/2022 12:54

And she can simply say it wasn’t his, no baby no proof, no need to make it a drama it doesn’t need to be, abort and tell ss he wasn’t the father 🤷‍♀️

True, but given the other circumstances, SS are not likely to believe her... they aren't stupid.

differentnameforthis · 25/04/2022 13:01

AHungryCaterpillar · 25/04/2022 12:54

And she can simply say it wasn’t his, no baby no proof, no need to make it a drama it doesn’t need to be, abort and tell ss he wasn’t the father 🤷‍♀️

True, but given the other circumstances, SS are not likely to believe her... they aren't stupid.

NerrSnerr · 25/04/2022 13:03

You need to tell the truth. T
It will be much worse if you hide this from the authorities and he will always have something to blackmail you with.

You need to put your baby first and to do that you need to be the grown up and do the right thing.

NerrSnerr · 25/04/2022 13:03

You need to tell the truth. T
It will be much worse if you hide this from the authorities and he will always have something to blackmail you with.

You need to put your baby first and to do that you need to be the grown up and do the right thing.

marymaryquitecontrary820 · 25/04/2022 13:03

Tell him he's not the father, book an abortion, cut all contact with this man and take care of your child.

You've been really silly, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you, ss are seriously going to question your ability as a mother if they find out you've allowed yourself to get pregnant by this man again.

user1471538283 · 25/04/2022 13:07

Do not leave, SS will track you down. If you continue with this pregnancy you are at a really real risk of losing both children.

You need to focus on the child you have and stay away from your ex. What possessed you to sleep with him?

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