Pregnant again with ex used to be under ss

[Happyface12]

so long story short we had a child and the dad was abusive towards me during pregnancy ss got involved and me and dad split up so the child was on a child protection plan .. case is now on a child in need and it’s nearly closing. Problem is we went through a period throughout this where we started seeing each other again silly I know and now I’ve ended up pregnant again I’m not very far gone so I could get an abortion but I just want to know what would happen if I did keep it

They will find out, and if it's not from you that's not going to look good. Don't let him blackmail you, that's proving to SS that you can't protect your DC.

Did you want another child?

Be honest with your social worker. If you have proof he has been blackmailing you then show them. It will look far worse if you continue to hide this and it all comes out in the future. By doing this you take the power away from him. Is there a third party who could help regarding the drop off/pick up of your DC? That way you wouldn't have to see him and he wouldn't be anywhere near your home.

if I cut ways with him and don’t let him see dc then he will reveal to the SS that he’s been staying here when he wasn’t supposed to etc. and that we slept together

Unless you're planning to lie about who the father is they'll know this anyway, and sadly it'll be no surprise as they see this sort of chaos and irresponsibility all the time

They don't exist to snatch children but to protect them ... of course that's the parent's job, but when parents won't accept that they're not doing it, SS have to step in

Explain to SS that you want to move but can't... they may have some sway with the HA (purely speculation) and could help.

Show them that you messed up but know you need help to change this in a effort to keep your kids.

Any lies/cover ups will now look like you purposefully tried to deceive them and then they will not be able to trust you. You pretty much need to beg to keep your kids...

If you don't speak up he will use the info against you...he has nothing to lose. YOU & your kids do...

Please think very carefully about the child you have now. You cannot afford the child you have now, there are so very many issues with the father and SS now. Bringing another baby into the mix right now with this sane man is not a good idea for your child and for a new baby. Please sort out this current situation first before adding another child into the mix.

you may also want to discuss alternate birth control for yourself other than the pill. Mirena coil is very good. Does not rely on you remembering to take anything so less likely to be one accidentally pregnant by forgetting to take a pill or two. Injections are good too. I have used both methods during the years we really did not want to add children to our family, while we focused on further education, careers and buying first house. This coming from someone who had once been a young single mother.

I am 21 I have decided on abortion I think that’s the best option and I’m gonna do it through a clinic so it’s not on my records so he can’t use that against me then

It'll still be on your records

No, u have to give them permission to share it with your medical records

Don't you meet with him because he is allowed access to his child? Couldn't your message have been about this? Btw, if you can handle this and explain to SW what is going on do not warn him in advance as you did with the pregnancy. You don't want him to have his defence ready and keep scaring you with what he will do next. By teling him you are not going to put him off. An abuser is not scared so easily. Stop telling him your every move. If you can tell him that you misscaried. There is no way of him knowing and he can't access your medical records.

It's your life and if you want the child, have the child... Don't let anyone scare you into not.

Obviously genetically speaking the child will be half him, but it would give your daughter a sibling to grow up with and share the experience of having him as a dad.

I'm worried you are making your decision out of fear. Do what you think is right for you and your daughter.

Wow, what awful advice pocketbunny. So it’s better to have 2 kids by an abusive, violent deadbeat dad so they can both trauma bond over it? Jesus Christ.

They would probably also bond over the experience of being in care together as they have a violent, manipulative dad and a mum who doesn't protect them or put them first.

If you are very early can you access the service where you get tablets on the post after a phone consultation

Even if you terminate, he still has you sleeping with him, and him staying there to hold over you.

Please listen op.... HE WILL TELL SS.

Probably when you think he won't & he has lulled you into a sense of security and can't hurt you. He will, because that's who he seems to be...

Tell me, is he enough to live with after you lose your child/ren? Because he is all you will have.

Lots of victim blaming here, whilst yes the OPs situation isn’t great, and she definitely shouldn’t have allowed him back into her life, people forget that abuse absolutely ruins a person, trauma bonds are a thing.

SS will definitely be involved if you keep the baby, nobody can tell you what will happen for sure because different local authorities behave differently. Although considering all the media cover recently about SS failing kids they’re likely to take it extremely seriously.

OP in your shoes I would have the termination privately and make it clear you want no record of it anywhere, don’t tell him and then just say you’ve had a miscarriage. Then you need keep this man out of your life and get on some birth control or at the very least insist on condoms. It’s time to focus on healing yourself and bringing up your daughter now.

please please please get some trauma therapy, the waiting lists can be long but you really really need it!

You can't really talk about him putting himself before the child or say anything bad about him, given you continued to sleep with him. You're exactly the same and you're trying to justify being better by painting him in a worse light. Not much better behaviour

*and you think he can't hurt you

I think in your position I would have an abortion rather than bring another child into this.

I know you are worried about SS and your Ex/not an Ex telling SS you asked him back BUT don't make a short term 'easy' decision to keep the baby in order for him to keep his mouth shut as I doubt it will end well.

You sound young and manipulated. Sort your contraception out if you can't remember to take the pill (implant, coil etc plus condoms) or you're going to be back in this position again very shortly, with him or someone else. Bringing children into relationships like this is pretty much giving them zero chance at a decent life.

Get away from this man.

Look OP , you're absolutely taking a huge bashing on here , my worry is this is going to scare you even further.
SS Will allow access when the father has been violent/ emotionally / sexually abusive to you because as long as he hasn't been like that toward the child they believe it is in the child's best interests to have a independent relationship with the father.
After supervised if they have proved they can parent responsibly they can be moved off of supervised contact ... happened to me a few years ago.
This sounds like a coercive relationship , being blackmailed to get you to do what he wants will lead to a lifetime of being u see his control.
Honestly I would call SS and be completely transparent with them , explain the truthful situation, where you are now and what you intend to do moving forward.
Tell them the truth you are a open book , he's been staying , you felt you had to let him ( if that's what you felt ) you have seen it's not the best choice for your child and you need help going forward to keep him away from you but maintaining a relationship with his child.
But do not leave out the pregnancy , you need support with this whether you keep or you abort.
Save all the texts where he is in anyway threatening , demanding, blackmailing you , tell him unless it is with regards to your child , please do not contact me ... this shows the police you have asked him not too , if he carries on that will be seen as harassment... been told this by police and the court.
Have you got support around you?
Courts don't care about maintenance when it comes to seeing their child . The relationship needs to be separated now ... he's purely a dad to you who will be having contact and you need to find a healthy way to enable this without going in and out of a relationship with him , that's what you will need to show child services.
You've been a victim of DV , a trauma bond is a real issue ...
I hope you manage to sort this but please be open and honest with SS ... he has nothing over you with the truth xx

Dreadful advice, adding lies to deception will do nothing good. I would tell your GP/Social services, be completely honest, say you know it was a mistake, tell them he is now threatening you as he wants to avoid child maintenance and let them know your plans for keeping your child safe, whether or not you decide to keep this baby.

Bloody hell girl.

No used flogging a dead horse, saying what you should and shouldn't have done.

You have two options - abort and continue or proceed and escalate.

Social services will see this pregnancy as a sign you are not serious about your daughter's care plan. You were told to keep away from your ex maintaining contact in only a parenting capacity - you haven't. They will therefore question both your honesty and your ability to keep the children safe. The question is what are you going to do to keep them safe? Do you intend to resume a relationship? How will you protect yourself and the children if he turns violent? How do you intend to proceed with your relationship? What do you future plans look like? Continuing with the pregnancy will be difficult but not impossible. You will be looking at a few unpleasant years ahead - social service intervention, parenting classes, restrictions and very much living under a magnifying glass. You will have to do all of this alone - if you get back into a relationship with him they will take your children.

Alternatively, abort. I suspect you've already told him? If so that will possibly sway your decision. Controlling men LOVE to tell women what to do with their bodies - at the end of the day, no one can tell you what to do. If you abort now there is a strong chance social services won't find out you were pregnant, will see no need to escalate DD's care and it will be easier for you to get off social services books and eventually relocate. Also basic maths tells you one child is FAR easier than two. You state your child is well cared for and well done you but it isn't two babies we're talking about... it's two living beings that will develop into grown adults - do you have the mental, emotional and physical capacity to care for both - ALONE? Can you protect either or both from a violent Father?

Please be sensible. He will gaslight you and love bomb you into getting back with him or into keeping the child and you will feel helpless. You are not. It is never too late to take control of the situation.

You're advising someone who appears to be vulnerable and is in a difficult situation to Break the law?!

OP, don't do this. It would be the most stupid thing you do.

but I just know I’d regret it later on

Why would you regret bringing an innocent child into a situation of abuse and poverty?

You need to put your children first and end this relationship permanently.

Social services will need to remain involved until you are able to prioritise your children and keep them safe. At the moment you are not doing this. Ask social services for support and help to do this. Comply with all of their recommendations

That's the only way you and your children will be able to move forward.

Whatever you do please please do NOT lie about rape