Pregnant again with ex used to be under ss

[Happyface12]

so long story short we had a child and the dad was abusive towards me during pregnancy ss got involved and me and dad split up so the child was on a child protection plan .. case is now on a child in need and it’s nearly closing. Problem is we went through a period throughout this where we started seeing each other again silly I know and now I’ve ended up pregnant again I’m not very far gone so I could get an abortion but I just want to know what would happen if I did keep it

I agree with you. There seem to be so many unwanted pregnancies around when there has never been a better choice of contraceptives.

This.

Though I suggest a talk with GP or sexual health services about long term contraceptive. I'd also see what if any support the GP can sign post you to or feedom program.

I'd also second pp - two children is going to be much harder to cope with than one emotionally and financially for years.

Honestly it’s would be selfish to continue this pregnancy, you will regret it later really? So you would rather be tied to him with two children rather than just one? Bring up two children alone with an abusive ex than just one? Subject two children to having an abusive father? Have to jump through hoops with ss? Because this will prompt further involvement, whilst I don’t agree with lying if you have an abortion at least you could tell them he wasn’t the father, that way there is no baby you can’t tell that lie when there is a living child but if you have an abortion I would simply say he wasn’t the father, he heard I was pregnant again and is using it to blackmail me, ss won’t do anything about that, no proof. Then move on with my life. Start again, it will be much harder with two to do that. My sister has a neighbour who has 5 children, each child has been removed from this woman, the last one at birth, she never brought the child home, because she insists on staying with her violent partner. I can’t quite understand why someone would keep getting pregnant in that situation.

@pocketbunny what a vile post. You’re recommending OP produces another kid with an abuser, to suffer the trauma of having an abuser as a ‘parent’ along with the existing one? You should be ashamed of yourself.

I think it's a very good idea to have an abortion, you do not need another tie to this man, and you don't want to risk SS re-assessing your case. Make sure you don't tell him about the pregnancy/abortion, he will use it against you. Even if he didn't want the child he will turn it into drama to attack you with. I hope the procedure goes as well as it can.

OP, I am glad you have made the decision to end the pregnancy.

It is the best and strongest decision you can make for yourself and your little girl. And a good step in rescuing yourself from this man. He can keep a relationship with his dd but you need to find ways to make sure that he does not use that to keep control of you.

Yes, you can make sure a termination is not on your records, - can I ask why he would have access to your records?

Are there any support groups in your area for women who have experienced / escaped emotional / domestic abuse?

If you plan on continuing with the pregnancy, be honest with SS from the start. It sounds as though both you and your ex made progress under their supervision, which is a positive thing. You won't be the first person they've supervised who has been in your current situation either. Without knowing the details of your case it's difficult to be certain, but it does sound like this will be seen as a safeguarding concern because the info SS had was that you and your ex were no longer together, but a pregnancy suggests that you were having more of a relationship than was disclosed, so do be prepared for the possibility of a return to a CP plan. The best thing you can do in this situation is to be honest, own your mistakes, and toe the line with anything SS want from you. It would be wise to be proactive as well, think about why you went back to your ex and what you need to do to move on, and ask them for any help available such as the Freedom programme.

Wishing you all the best.

There is no way they’ll be closing your case if you’ve gone against their plan, which you have if you’ve been sleeping with your ex on the quiet. If anything they’ll step it back up to CP or at the very least keep you on CIN.

I’m not going to sit and say you should of done xyz, but you will almost definitely continue to have services involvement.

I should of added if you were to continue with the pregnancy. Even so, if ss find out that you have gotten pregnant regardless of whether you terminate or not (e.g GP sharing information), they may not close the case because regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy as you have reentered some form of relationship with your ex.

The reason you are on plan is because SS obviously deem that you can't accurately judge what a safe situation is. It's not about how happy your child is or if dad is allowed unsupervised contact with the baby. It's about you protecting yourself and your child from harmful situations, which you can't because you've been sleeping with your abuser. You've basically betrayed your own child for the sake of five mins comfort. If they even find out you are pregnant (which they will because the second you go to a doctor they have a duty of care.to you and your child and can see on your records you have SS involvement) they will be super involved. And rightly so. It's isnt scaremongering to tell you the truth here, even if you terminate this pregnancy there's every chance SS will find out anyway and have to re-evaluate the plan you are on.
I suggest you contact ss anyway. Be honest be up front and your going to have to agree with whatever terms they set. You absolutely need distance between you and this man or your going to lose your child or children. Seek counseling or some kind of education on how to keep yourself and your kids safe
My ex maliciously called SS, they came out judged everything to be fine here and with me but pointed out some uncomfortable truths about the ex and 'suggested' contact with him be limited and supervised. My kids are on no plan, no in danger but did I follow SS advice? Absolutely I did, because if I hadn't that calls into question my ability as a mother to care for my children, at that point SS definitely would have become involved in our lives (which if required no shame people need support).
These people see disaster every day harmed/ abused /killed children and mother's. They exist for a reason they aren't emotionally attached to your situation and can see abuse and manipulation for what it is. Listen to them for the love of god, and my advice would be absolutely do not bring another child into this mess!! And get more reliable contraception,AND STAY AWAY FROM YOUR EX!!

@NewandNotImproved I think it's more vile that all these keyboard warriors are on here making a young woman feel like she has no choice but to abort her pregnancy. She HAS a choice. She already said she thinks she will regret it.

The father isn't physically abusive and has been permitted unsupervised time with his daughter. SS are involved. There will be people looking out for this child should OP choose to have it.

I would never, ever be comfortable telling someone to abort their baby. None of us know about this situation in reality. OP should be supported to make her own decision, not have "do gooders" telling her there is only one choice.

Sadly he already knows and is using it to blackmail op.

The father isn't physically abusive and has been permitted unsupervised time with his daughter. SS are involved. There will be people looking out for this child should OP choose to have it.

I'm pretty sure smashing things in front of his pregnant girlfriend and pushing her to the extent the police are called is physical abuse.

Abortion is more often than not, not on someone's medical record.

I've had 2. Not on my records. I told the abortion provider not to share it with my GP. There's no trace of it unless the police were to contact the abortion provider

She's worried about SS finding out about it, he knows.

Do you see how you are minimising?

First you say it was 'only' verbal and emotional. When that is questioned you say there was a 'bit' of physical stuff - not at you but at things. Further enquiries and you say he was a bit physical with you.

I suspect he hurt you a lot.

Enough for social services to be worried about a child that wasn't even born at that point.

You need to be honest with yourself instead of minimising it so you can pretend it'll be ok if he comes back on the scene.

You don't think smashing things up in anger in front of your pregnant partner and pushing your pregnant partner is physically violent? Fuck me what a low bar.

You didn't just suggest you continue with the pregnant, you specified that a benefit to doing so would be her existing child having someone to bond with over having a shit dad.

Children shouldn't be thought of as sacrificial lambs to share the burden of abusive homes. Awful.

I'm stunned by the lack of personal responsibility you take for your situation. It is very strange.

@pocketbunny someone needs to prioritise the kid that already exists, not force another victim into existence. The government agency already had to step in to keep the kid safe, you recommending traumatising another kid is deplorable. They’d possibly end up in the care system, or, enduring an upbringing suffering poverty and an abuser for a parent. Fucking grim.

You can't accurately judge what a safe situation is

This exactly.

You can't see that the abuse hasn't stopped. He's still abusing you.

He's manipulated the situation so that he still has control over you, can threaten you and I would guess easily manipulate you into letting him shag you.

It's resulted in you assuring social services that he's not abusing you and they've allowed your baby to be looked after by a man with a violent sadistic temper.

You choose him or your baby it's that simple.

Keep a record of all his threats and abuse via text or social media and contact Women's Aid for non judgemental advice.

I hope you can eventually escape the hold he has over you 🌷

I think you need to get an abortion.

And I am usually against it unless nescessary.

This is necessary.

You have a lovely child who has suffered on account of the father already. Do not do this to another child!

Extricate yourself from this very damaging relationship. In a few years time you could be in a relationship with somebody decent and loving and have a great life for you, DC and potential DCs. You could have the chance to train/study, develop your career, engage with hobbies, friends, things you enjoy.

This pregnancy jeopardises all that.

Please don’t have another baby with someone whose actions have led to your child being “in need”.

And for gods sake get the coil in or the injection, remember to take your pill and use a condom.

If you miss one, you can get pregnant, if you have irregular periods, you can get pregnant, if you have reproductive apparatus, you can get pregnant!

Honestly in your situation I would get the abortion, tell social services what has happened and inform them he is blackmailing you. Telling the truth is paramount. If you withhold and lie they will think you are trying to cover for him and deem your child at risk. If you tell them, you will probably still have your case remain open but they might be able to give you extra support.

I’ve been in a similar situation with DV and SS. Being upfront and honest really does help. Being proactive in getting help is also seen as a good sign.

As he has used blackmail against you, can I ask has he done so on any other occasion? For example, has he blackmailed you into lying for him or to coerce you into sex?

I know it's scary but you do need to explain to social services what's been going on. He is going to and he will twist it to make you look as bad as possible.

They have let you down here. You need more help to break free mentally. He's still abusing you. Talk to them. Ask them to help you really get free of him.

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno @youvegottenminuteslynn I didn't know OP was assaulted. I remembered her writing he wasn't physical. I just want the best for her, whatever that may be.

@Happyface12 I believe there are some good responses for you on page 6... Good luck :)