Pregnant again with ex used to be under ss

[Happyface12]

so long story short we had a child and the dad was abusive towards me during pregnancy ss got involved and me and dad split up so the child was on a child protection plan .. case is now on a child in need and it’s nearly closing. Problem is we went through a period throughout this where we started seeing each other again silly I know and now I’ve ended up pregnant again I’m not very far gone so I could get an abortion but I just want to know what would happen if I did keep it

OP, you’re being very naive and selfish.

7 months post-partum and you’re on contraception. It’s clear you’ve been sleeping with this man frequently.

Now you want to get the implant. That’s great as there’s little room for user-misuse but surely your priority now should be your existing child and not sleeping with this man or any others?

Waiting a while until you and your child are in a more stable situation would be the responsive thing to do here?

You can't stay in his good books. It won't work, he will hold it over you to make you do what he wants and one day he will tell them, because that's the kind of person he is and this is s game to him. You need to tell SS the truth both because it will be so much worse for you when they hear it from him and because you need to get his hooks out of you and cut the remaining ties that bind you to him.

Ignore anyone telling you to get an abortion - that's absolutely disgraceful, to suggest that OP's baby would be better off dead than living with her as a mother. Only choose termination if that's what you want.

SS will definitely be involved with this new baby though, there's nothing you can do about that. Follow their advice, co-operate fully, and it will be ok.

No one is saying that 😒 people are saying she will be tied to this man even more with not one child to look after but two as a single parent and ss could deem that she is not protecting her children and remove both considering she conceived this child whilst on a CP plan!

I really hope social services will be involved from the start. You’ve proven they can’t trust you to stay away from a dangerous man and protect your existing child.

And those against the abortion idea, it shouldn’t just be about what the mother wants but what life for that child would be like as well. If you can’t provide a safe, happy, healthy environment for your child to grow up in don’t have one. If people spent more time thinking about this BEFORE getting pregnant we’d have a lot fewer cases of neglect & abuse.

Oh OP. I'm not going to pile on because you're 21, I assume were pregnant with an abuser at 19, and likely didn't have an easy childhood. There's no point in being horrible and it'll only drive you away.

Tell SS. Please. He will tell them, and it will look better if you tell them first.

Tell them that you have been reigned back in - they know it can take 7 attempts to leave an abuser. Tell them you need help again but you're scared of him. Tell them he's blackmailing you.

Ask for their support for the abortion if that's what you want. If you're finding it difficult arranging it they may be able to assign someone to support you to do so.

I would also talk to them about arranging a go-between for you and your abuser when it comes to your DC so that you're not tempted to go back. Is that something you can do? Do you have a close friend or family member to do this for you? If not, SS may be able to given the severity of the abuse, but you need to push for it.

PLEASE don't go back again OP. He's no good and you and DC deserve better. I know this is hard but you are miles better off without him.

I dont really understand this.

He is allowed unsupervised contact but not allowed to stay at your house where his child lives?

If you had the child and social Services were not involved at all, do you think you and your current childs life would be eaiser or harder, better or worse? Thats the first question. What is right for the child, not what you want.

Also - SS are likely to escalate but you need to be honest with them 100% from now on. Lying is not an option. You really need to follow their lead this time or you do risk having your child put into care.

Do you have any family or friend in real life that can advise you? I'd speak to womens aid and see if they can help. You are in an abusive relationship and are young and clearly vulnerable so need help. However, that doesn't excuse the fact that you are failing yourself and more importantly your existing child by putting them in harms way. There is absolutely no guarantee he won't hurt your child if he is capable of hurting you. There was absolutely no need to tell him you are pregnant especially if you haven't decided what you are going to do. I'm not going to tell you to have a termination or not that isn't up to me but I do think you need support to be able to see that you are making unwise decisions and it is very unfair to being a child up (your 7 month old) in a chaotic situation. Parenting isn't about just feeding, clothing and housing a child, that is just the basics. It is so much more!

So will escalate the situation so I'd expect much more involvement.

Whether you abort or not, your ex will still have the texts between you that show you've been sleeping together. He will continue to use these to blackmail you - to not pay CM, for sex, whatever he wants. He's continuing to control you.

If you tell SS the truth, explain you're being blackmailed and need help leaving, he'll no longer be able to control you like this

You need to tell the truth. It will be much worse if you hide this from the authorities

This is so very true, and also why it's worrying that so much of OP's content is about various people "not finding out"

Much better to prevent these things happening in the first place than to get in a spin about about hiding them once they have - and it won't work with SS anyway since they see this time after time

You need to tell them yourself. It will be much better for YOU. If you let this man control you and blackmail you, you will have no life of your own, as he can, and probably will use this as a tool to control you forever. Do you want that? Can you handle that? This is no life, to have this hanging over you like this. You say he has been staying with you and he shouldn't have. You have made a big big mistake. However you can be the bigger person and own up to this and ask them what you can do. If you don't confess now, there is a strong risk for the child you have and the one you want to keep being taken off you. What he is doing by manipulating you, is making you lie for longer, repeatedly. This makes your position so much more vulnerable. By owning up and even telling them of the pregnancy and that you want to terminate it, they can help you.
The longer you wait to contact them, the harder it will be all around.

Does he force you to sleep with him when you don't through threatening to sell ss?

Regardless of where you get an abortion, they will not know the father of the baby. If he doesn’t find out you are pregnant, he won’t be able to tell anyone.

Please stop letting him stay. Stick to a strict co-parenting relationship. If necessary, switch to doing transfers in a public place. Someplace with cctv is best.

You need support. I would absolutely abort in this with no handwringing as your home environment is unsafe for you and your baby (thanks forced birthers for throwing in 'killing your baby rhetoric 🙄', she is in early pregnancy only and has said she will abort).

You need practical and emotional help and support and to be honest with your team. I feel for you and please understand this man will never improve. The point of him being the most dangerous when you are pregnant AND trying to leave are so very true.

It must be so very hard, I hope you take some of the great advice from the PPs who know the system and get yourself into a much safer position.

Good luck. You are worth keeping safe and you need to take a deep breath and take some responsibility in keeping your child safe too.

My view is that you tell SS everything, then you have nothing to hide and can freely answer their questions without slipping up in a lie.
Tell them he's been staying with you when he shouldn't have been there and he's now threatening you with disclosing these facts to SS and saying that the child and new baby would be taken away.
If you are honest and open they can't pick holes in your story and whatever you ex tells them won't matter, as you will have told SS first.
They are not there to punish you. The welfare of the children is or should be, their priority.
That's my view. It's what I would do in your position and I would not abort the foetus unless for health reasons. The important thing is to get help with the problem of your ex and his threats to get the children removed.
Do tell SS the whole truth. It's always the best way. Good luck.

SS in my experience actually understand domestic abuse a lot better than some of the posters on this thread do, abusive exes are coercive and quite often manage to get their exes into bed.
They're highly skilled at that and SS recognise this. They won't think you chose your fanny over your baby (what a grotesque thing to have been said showing no understanding of the complexities of abuse and control).

I do think an abortion is the best way to go I think you've made the right decision. Get it done quickly and move on. That way SS can continue the closure of your case.

I would be telling SS that you want as little contact with ex as possible and make that your goal from now on.

You have the rest of your life, you will have other relationships and the option of another baby will be there, hopefully you'll be in a better position in twelve months and will be able to look back on this as a shitty time in your life that you came through.

Ignore some of the bile on this thread getting away from an abusive ex isn't as cut and dried as some of mumsnet would have you believe, you're not stupid or selfish for being in your position.
Get it dealt with and focus on your future.

This is fairly common, dads need to REALLY fuck up before SS insist on supervised contact.
In most DV situations they will insist dad stays the fuck away from the family home as it prevents the child witnessing abuse and they recognise how easy it is for these men to manipulate women back into a relationship situation.

There sadly is no assumption that a man who abuses his partner will abuse his kids in UK law.

OP given the blackmail element I would suggest that SS do need to support you further with fully getting away from him. Because it doesn't sound like you have managed to totally extricate yourself from his grip yet.

They would not force you to have contact given he is still exercising control over you. But deal with the termination first.

Talk to your social worker. You cannot keep this secret, and lying to them about seeing him will not look good.

That’s exactly what people are saying. She has a daughter, a tiny baby, and keeping this pregnancy jeopardises that. I don’t think I would risk my baby being taken away for an early pregnancy I didn’t want. I just don’t think I could.

I know it’s hard but I think you will feel so much better and things will be much easier if you’re open and honest with children’s social care. Keep any texts or emails of your ex being unpleasant and blackmailing you. If you are serious about ending everything with your ex and you feel manipulated, let people know. They can help you but only if they have the full picture.

Dont

dont lie about this. As bad as this is. Appeal to SS. Explain that you feel you don’t have the resources to do this on your own. That he coerced you (not rape. Not sexual assault. But emotional corecion). Because he did. He’s blackmailing you to stay on his good side. That’s coercion! This is against the law and needs dealing with

but whatever you do. Don’t lie to SS. They will find out.

That’s not quite true. If I remember rightly.

they can share records within certain groups. SS and the gp and the doctors etc can all share data. Due to safeguarding.

Absolutely this.

what chance does this poor potential child has?
Seeing his or her mother used as a punchbag?
Listening to violence as he or she cringes, terrified, in their bed?
It's just so utterly depressing and unfair of the child to have a violent man put above their wellbeing.

If a woman wants to stay with a violent man, that's their choice, and no one else's.. But to bring innocent children into that mess?

Not fair at all.