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Original poster

My partner still hasn't started work?

242 replies

Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:08

Hi,

I'm 26wks and 4 days. Due on the 17th July 2022.

I am so excited to meet my baby girl. Me and my partner have been together roughly a year and a half and it came as a shock. Throughout our whole relationship I have been the provider working to ensure we have food a place to call home and look after our dog. When I found out I was pregnant where we was living was not suitable at all! So I kicked myself into gear for a better paid job and managed to get us a beautiful 2 bed home for our daughter and us. He assured me by the first month of us being here he would get into work and start providing...

We have now been here since the 21st January and no work has been started everything is financially coming from me, rent, bills, food, baby things and everything he wants which I class as a luxury.

See we have had countless arguments due to me pushing him to go to work and we had a really bad argument as I broke down saying I'm extremely worried when I have this baby we won't be able to keep up with everything on just my maternity leave and that I've seen no signs of him trying to do anything!! I love him so I think I excuse it half the time which is bad on my part. At this point I don't know what to do people put jobs in his face but he seems to find a reason or excuse why he can't/won't do it. He has been struggling badly with mental health which I have been trying my best to support him with but he doesn't seem to understand I'm carrying the weight of all this responsibility!!!

He says that his mental health is that bad he struggles to face things such as work and can't find motivation. But my argument is that he has a child he needs to provide for and I can't do it on my own!! What should I do has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like I'm just in an impossible situation and it's making me miserable as a person and I don't want to feel like this when my first child is growing inside me and not far away from being here I want to be the best version of myself possible! Sad

OP posts:
orangeisthenewpuce · 14/04/2022 15:11

You've been keeping him through your relationship? He sounds like a lazy work shy waste of space. I bet he can't find motivation when he has you keeping him. Ask him to move out. See if that motivates him

bloodywhitecat · 14/04/2022 15:13

He isn't going to suddenly start puling his weight, he seems to be comfortable with the situation just the way it is. Very soon you will be looking after a man-child and a newborn, he needs to wake up to the real world or move out.

Dearmariacountmein · 14/04/2022 15:14

I’m sorry OP but he seems like a complete cocklodger. I don’t want to kick you when you’re down but no decent bloke would be putting his pregnant DP in this position and statistics show these types of men don’t step up to be good fathers. It may be hard to hear but I’d be planning to be a single mum and leave him so that my income was only needed to support me and baby.

Timeforausernamechange22 · 14/04/2022 15:15

Firstly stop buy anything he wants. If he wants something he has to earn it.
Secondly prepare to kick him out. You can remain in a relationship whilst not living together. As a single parent you will probably be entitled to some benefits, but they are to support you and your baby - not your boyfriend. He can move back in when he has a job

purplecorkheart · 14/04/2022 15:15

What is he bring to the relationship? He sounds like a leech to be honest. As him to leave and see if that gives him the motivation to find a job. You need to put you and the baby first.

Anotherpassengerwantstogetoff · 14/04/2022 15:16

Oh God.
At this rate you will find yourself back to work after just a few months on ML.
Tell him to leave. If he can’t step up and provide in this situation then he will spend the whole of your relationship sponging off you.

Dragongirl10 · 14/04/2022 15:17

You can do it on your own as you have been ..he has added nothing since you met.

LTB and set the bar much higher

AwkwardPaws27 · 14/04/2022 15:17

and everything he wants which I class as a luxury
I would stop this immediately and start saving that money.

I'm assuming you will only get Maternity Allowance (as you mentioned changing job)? Have you checked the Entitled To website to see if you can access some financial support while on maternity leave?

Is he getting help for the mental health issues or just using them to reject working? If he is legitimately working on addressing them (therapy, medication, etc) then I can understand and would be more lenient, but it sounds like you have been the one paying for everything for quite some time and nothing is changing.

What do his MH issues look like? Is he going to be able to help with a newborn - or are you going to be looking after them both?

Hugasauras · 14/04/2022 15:18

He sounds like a useless twat tbh. If he didn't have you to sponge off, what would he do? What did he do before he met you? Has he not worked anywhere for 18 months?

WTF475878237NC · 14/04/2022 15:19

This is so early in a relationship for it to be so grim and one sided. I'm all for supporting a long term partner with MH but not someone new who has never worked!

Jupiter92 · 14/04/2022 15:23

You're not his mother and you don't deserve this. If it was me I'd kick him to the curb as he sounds like a complete freeloader and isn't bringing you anything positive.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you, especially when you're pregnant but you need to do what's best for you and your baby now and he sounds like a waste of space that won't help you at all!

Nikki037297 · 14/04/2022 15:24

Wow this is not good!!! He sounds very lazy and very comfortable!! My mums boyfriend was like this expect she wasn’t pregnant she’s too old for that now but he wouldn’t work or do anything and my poor mum worked full time came home cleaned his mess had to make dinner do the dishes washed all of his clothes I told her so many times he’s no good!! I didn’t get why she couldn’t see that form where she was standing!! Eventually after 5 years she left him and lived at mine until she found somewhere else to live. He realised what he had lost and began to harass her and got himself arrested. But she took the plunge and left him and this was last year she’s soooooo happy now!!!! I’m not saying it’s what is best for you but honestly if he’s not going to change and not going to help support his own family then you would be better without him surly! My partner works full time and I don’t think we could manage if he didn’t and he works all the over time he can so we have extra money for the baby’s things. Your partner should want the same for his child not using the depression excuses

DogsAndGin · 14/04/2022 15:27

Why would you choose such a waster to be a child’s father 🤷🏼‍♀️

Iamnotamermaid · 14/04/2022 15:28

He really needs a reality check to grow up. Has he ever had a full time job? If he cannot be motivated now when he has a child on the way he never will.

Are his parents if any help here? Try putting a budget together which shows how tight money will be & how you will not have enough to pay for his 'luxuries'. Even stacking shelves would be a start.

But well done you for stepping up and setting up what sounds like a lovely home for your DD. Your DP now needs to earn his place in it...he is not automatically entitled to it.

gamerchick · 14/04/2022 15:34

You've got yourself a cocklodger OP. He won't change, they never do. He'll use a of your available resources and emotional energy and move on to the next one.

Stop funding his treats. He doesn't get any money from you at all. You need to save.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:43

So I know I look like a total idiot, and some may say " why I chose him as a father" the fact is I didn't it wasn't planned it happened I was being careful was using contraception. Me and him are in a difficult situation right now we both have next to no family and to be honest if I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty... I want him to change but like everyone's saying the likelihood off that is slim I never thought it would amount to this every time I seem to get on the subject of him not doing enough he makes me feel like bad and guilty and I always take him back and give him another chance because I do love him! I just don't know what to do as now he is the father to my child!

OP posts:
worriedaboutmoney2022 · 14/04/2022 15:45

Get rid of this sponger and it's sort yourself and your baby out
Big red flag 🚩

lovingtheheat · 14/04/2022 15:48

" I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty..."

He has the ability to get a job which would earn money to put a roof over his head and buy things. That is what adults do. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty for making him leave. My sibling had one of these, he will not improve.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:48

@DogsAndGin

Why would you choose such a waster to be a child’s father 🤷🏼‍♀️
I'm sorry but are you here to judge obviously things happen and he provided me with expectations which I thought he'd live up to which haven't worked out! I think a lot of women didn't plan on certain men being so involved in there life but thanks.
OP posts:
lovingtheheat · 14/04/2022 15:48

Also he doesn't seem to feel guilty for leaving all pressure on you.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:50

@WTF475878237NC

This is so early in a relationship for it to be so grim and one sided. I'm all for supporting a long term partner with MH but not someone new who has never worked!
He keeps telling me he is going to but now I have come to the realisation he just tell me what I want to hear when I'm down and then long term things never change.
OP posts:
Yoohoo778611 · 14/04/2022 15:51

Hopefully the house is in your name.
Get him out ASAP. Wastral, lazy, sponger springs to mind.

Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:51

@Dragongirl10

You can do it on your own as you have been ..he has added nothing since you met.

LTB and set the bar much higher

I don't know how to go from where I am now to alone I'd feel so guilty leaving him and ruining the family life for my baby! I don't know why I'd feel so guilty probably because he really won't have anything if I let go of him I know it's not my responsibility but when you love someone you learn to accept there faults but obviously now there is a child involved it's hard and I need to do what's best
OP posts:
Original poster
Babybellaboo · 14/04/2022 15:52

@Anotherpassengerwantstogetoff

Oh God. At this rate you will find yourself back to work after just a few months on ML. Tell him to leave. If he can’t step up and provide in this situation then he will spend the whole of your relationship sponging off you.
I'm scared of this...
OP posts:
Timeforausernamechange22 · 14/04/2022 15:52

@Babybellaboo

So I know I look like a total idiot, and some may say " why I chose him as a father" the fact is I didn't it wasn't planned it happened I was being careful was using contraception. Me and him are in a difficult situation right now we both have next to no family and to be honest if I told him to leave he'd have absolute nothing and be homeless and that would sit on my head and I'd feel guilty... I want him to change but like everyone's saying the likelihood off that is slim I never thought it would amount to this every time I seem to get on the subject of him not doing enough he makes me feel like bad and guilty and I always take him back and give him another chance because I do love him! I just don't know what to do as now he is the father to my child!
I don’t judge you and think you are a total idiot. I’ve been there myself so I know how these people weasel their way into our minds.

But I will put this right here - HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Even. End off. Especially when you say you can’t throw him out because you’d feel guilty as he has no where to go. So why should he change if your prepared to just suck it up?
Read this - HE IS AN ADULT AND HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Read it again. And again. And repeat to yourself daily. Do not let him make you feel guilty for his decisions. He has made the decision to no step up, the consequences are that he looses you. That is is choice. You are only responsible for the well-being of yourself and your child. Not him.

Thirdly - I don’t know if you baby is a boy or a girl, but I do know that parents are a child’s first and main role models. If you have a daughter - would you be happy with her settling with him like this? Is this the role model you want for her? If you have a son - is this the role model you want for him? Would you be happy for him to treat his partner like this as an adult?

Ultimately only you can do what needs to be done. You are in charge of your life, and your decisions only.