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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Should I ask my baby’s dad to stay in a hotel for his paternity leave?

187 replies

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 09:19

Me and my babys dad are split but he wants to be very involved when the baby is born and will be around for the whole of his paternity leave. I had initially offered him my spare room for his leave but we’ve been arguing recently and I’m worried that it will spoil my first two weeks bonding with my baby, as I get very sad, anxious and depressed when I feel he is picking fights with me. There are a couple of hotels near me which he could stay in but it will probably cost around £600. He doesn’t earn loads (I think about 27k a year?) but he does have savings so he does have the money to pay for it but I do feel bad asking, especially as for the last three months of my pregnancy he has given me £500 a month to help pay for rent (I was a full time student with little income when I got pregnant and after we split I had to find work and start renting a flat where I can raise the baby, which has been really financially difficult so he’s helped me).

Would I be unfair to ask him to spend even more money renting a place for his paternity? Should I just suck it up and accept that he’s my baby’s father and I need to put up with it for a couple of weeks?

To give you the whole picture, the fights tend to be about my sexual past which is obviously something I can’t change. I wasn’t totally honest with him about previous partners at the beginning of our relationship which has ultimately led to lots of arguments and us splitting up. I think it is for the best that we have split because I don’t want to spend my life being called a slut etc, but even now that we are over he is still bringing it up. He has mostly brought it up when I’ve mistakenly got a bit too friendly with him i.e when I refer to me, him and my son as a ‘family’ it will trigger him to start bringing up the past again. I am a first time Mum and feel nervous about how I am going to emotionally cope with having a baby as I know it can be extremely hard at first, and the worry about having to also deal with being made to feel ashamed about my past feels quite overwhelming right now.

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 01/10/2021 09:23

You letting him stay in the spare room is a favour, if you call someone degrading names, then you're not entitled to them doing favours for you 🤷‍♀️.

CheshireChat · 01/10/2021 09:26

You can make it clear why you're not willing to have him around if you hope he will stop, but I'm not sure he actually will.

Also, ask him to leave every time he is being disrespectful.

InnPain · 01/10/2021 09:29

Letting him stay in the spare room would be very helpful in terms of getting help from him with night feeds and nappies. If he’s at a hotel once he’s gone he’s gone all the responsibilities will fall on you.

The question is can you both be under one roof for a couple weeks and not argue? Like does he randomly bring up the last or is it in response to something you say? If he randomly picks arguments and fights with you then no he shouldn’t stay as first few weeks are emotional enough without a baby daddy causing you extra grief.

Weigh up the pros and cons, you know him better than we do x

Original poster

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 09:29

@CheshireChat

You can make it clear why you're not willing to have him around if you hope he will stop, but I'm not sure he actually will.

Also, ask him to leave every time he is being disrespectful.

He has promised that he won’t bring it up but I don’t think I believe him so it’s difficult :( if he doesn’t have a hotel then I won’t be able to ask him to leave because he won’t have anywhere to go (he lives 4 hours from me)

OP posts:

TakeYourFinalPosition · 01/10/2021 09:34

Do you want him to stay with you, OP?

It’s absolutely your call - it could be really helpful to have someone to help out, especially at night, but that doesn’t have to be him. And you might find that you feel pretty vulnerable and emotional in those two weeks, while you’re recovering from birth and getting used to the new baby.

You do have choices here

Original poster

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 09:38

@TakeYourFinalPosition I did want him to stay with me as I am afraid of being home alone with a newborn and I don’t really have anyone else to stay with me (my relationship with my mum is tricky). But now I think it would be better if he stayed elsewhere so that I don’t have to deal with his comments and questioning and accusations. However I feel bad asking him to spend so much money.

OP posts:

Mia85 · 01/10/2021 09:38

I would only have someone staying in my house after birth if I was completely comfortable with being physically and emotionally vulnerable in front of them and I was sure that they would be totally focused on supporting me and the baby.

Notaroadrunner · 01/10/2021 09:39

There's not a hope in hell I'd allow him stay. You are not obliged to. You are not a couple so you don't have to accommodate him. The first couple of weeks will be fraught enough without him causing trouble. Tell him he can visit the baby at times which suit you but that he cannot stay in your home so it's up to him to arrange/pay for his own accommodation.

Viviennemary · 01/10/2021 09:42

Its up to you. I think Id just ask him to cancel the visit altogether and manage without his help.

SharpLily · 01/10/2021 09:43

I think I'd be more concerned about someone with this attitude passing it on to their child! You're going to have to be careful about the values he wants to teach.

As far as where he stays goes, the pros and cons are as the others have said. Could you tell him you're happy to give it a go but if there's conflict or he makes you feel uncomfortable in any way that he'll have to be prepared to go to a hotel? I'm sure you'll appreciate the help he can provide but at such an emotional time you need to know you are in control of the circumstances and can protect yourself.

Original poster

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 09:43

@Viviennemary

Its up to you. I think Id just ask him to cancel the visit altogether and manage without his help.

No this is definitely not an option as I want him to be involved in my sons life as much as possible. I always want my son to know how much his dad loves him and I want them to have lots of lovely memories together regardless of whether his father and I are together xx

OP posts:

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/10/2021 09:44

I think you need to be comfortable and stress free, so I'd ask him to stay elsewhere. It doesn't matter that he's helped you financially - you are pregnant with his baby and that has caused you additional costs that morally he is responsible for too. He's only done what he should be doing. I think there's a danger of setting the bar far too low for men, so we feel like we owe them something, for doing the things that we should be able to expect them to do in the first place! Like paying towards the costs you've incurred as a result of the pregnancy.

If you tell him now then he has time to prepare. I'm guessing that when you tell him he's going to start on about it being his baby too and he has a 'right' to be there. He doesn't. You don't want to be dealing with this when your hormones are all over the place and you are tired. He can help you plenty in the daytime and bond with the baby.

Original poster

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 09:46

@SharpLily

I think I'd be more concerned about someone with this attitude passing it on to their child! You're going to have to be careful about the values he wants to teach.

This is potentially a good compromise. Although I worry that if we get to the point where I have to kick him out to a hotel, then the emotional hurt will already have been done :/ x

OP posts:

FolornLawn · 01/10/2021 09:46

I don't think I would want a man who called me a slut for having previous sexual partners in my son's life.

Original poster

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 09:47

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously this is good advice thank you

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 01/10/2021 09:49

@FolornLawn

I don't think I would want a man who called me a slut for having previous sexual partners in my son's life.

Yeah exactly.

Betty000 · 01/10/2021 09:49

This is a nice idea, but it wont work if he keeps referring to your past and belittling you.

Viviennemary · 01/10/2021 09:52

If cancelling isn't an option then I would let him stay on the understanding that if he starts an argument then he will need to go go a hotel immediately. Maybe this will help him to realise how badly his behaviour affects you. The behaviour needs to stop. But realistically if he lives four hours away how involved can he be in the baby's life. And will he need to stay in a hotel each time.

Gooseberrypies · 01/10/2021 09:52

The good news is children don’t remember anything for the first few years, so those ‘lovely memories’ can be made later on when you are not in an extremely vulnerable position. Of course you aren’t stopping him seeing his child but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with anything he does. Allowing yourself to be upset and called degrading names is not the answer. Why should you feel guilty about him spending money? He can either do it and prove he is willing to be a good father or say no and you’ll know he doesn’t care that much. That’s on him. You don’t have to provide him anything, if he wants to be involved, he will show you that.

Comedycook · 01/10/2021 09:55

Oh god, no way would I let him stay. If he wants to be a good dad, he could start by treating the mother of his child with respect

Mia85 · 01/10/2021 09:56

I would suggest he gets a hotel room and then if it is all going well you can invite him to stay more if he wants to.

You have to remember that this period is also about your recovery from birth and that can be very messy, emotional and exhausting. Do you have more than one bathroom? Are you planning to breastfeed? I spent a lot of the first couple of weeks topless in bed/sofa trying to establish feeding. Are you comfortable with that? or with the midwife coming around and checking your stiches whilst he's there?

Buttons294749 · 01/10/2021 09:57

I would have him over still and use it as a chance to SLEEP so you don't really have to deal with him too much, then when you're awake and playing with the baby he can do helpful things like shopping, batch cooking if he cooks and washing etc. Basically use him to get the maximum amount of rest before you are on your own x

AnotherEmma · 01/10/2021 10:00

He sounds abusive. I don't think you should let him stay with you, no. If he wants to be nearby perhaps he could see if he could find a short-term lodger arrangement or look on Airbnb (which might be cheaper than a hotel or B&B).

Please give baby your surname. Think carefully about whether you want to give the father automatic parental responsibility by putting him on the birth certificate.

It's understandable that you want him to be involved in the baby's life but that's conditional on him treating you with respect and not subjecting you to verbal and emotional abuse.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/10/2021 10:07

Please tell us the baby will have your last name OP!

Original poster

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 10:10

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Please tell us the baby will have your last name OP!

My son was going to have his Dads surname. I didn’t know it made any legal difference?

OP posts:

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