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Original poster

Should I ask my baby’s dad to stay in a hotel for his paternity leave?

187 replies

ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 09:19

Me and my babys dad are split but he wants to be very involved when the baby is born and will be around for the whole of his paternity leave. I had initially offered him my spare room for his leave but we’ve been arguing recently and I’m worried that it will spoil my first two weeks bonding with my baby, as I get very sad, anxious and depressed when I feel he is picking fights with me. There are a couple of hotels near me which he could stay in but it will probably cost around £600. He doesn’t earn loads (I think about 27k a year?) but he does have savings so he does have the money to pay for it but I do feel bad asking, especially as for the last three months of my pregnancy he has given me £500 a month to help pay for rent (I was a full time student with little income when I got pregnant and after we split I had to find work and start renting a flat where I can raise the baby, which has been really financially difficult so he’s helped me).

Would I be unfair to ask him to spend even more money renting a place for his paternity? Should I just suck it up and accept that he’s my baby’s father and I need to put up with it for a couple of weeks?

To give you the whole picture, the fights tend to be about my sexual past which is obviously something I can’t change. I wasn’t totally honest with him about previous partners at the beginning of our relationship which has ultimately led to lots of arguments and us splitting up. I think it is for the best that we have split because I don’t want to spend my life being called a slut etc, but even now that we are over he is still bringing it up. He has mostly brought it up when I’ve mistakenly got a bit too friendly with him i.e when I refer to me, him and my son as a ‘family’ it will trigger him to start bringing up the past again. I am a first time Mum and feel nervous about how I am going to emotionally cope with having a baby as I know it can be extremely hard at first, and the worry about having to also deal with being made to feel ashamed about my past feels quite overwhelming right now.

OP posts:
Mia85 · 01/10/2021 10:11

The name doesn't make a legal difference but being on the birth certificate does.

Why have you chosen to give the Dad's name rather than yours?

Rainallnight · 01/10/2021 10:13

He sounds absolutely awful. Are you sure you want your child to have a relationship with this man and that you want this life long connection with him? He’s abusive.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/10/2021 10:13

Why are you giving your son the last name of a man he isn't going to live with, will spend less time with than you and who has been emotionally abusive to you?

When you travel together you'll have different last names which can be a pain in the arse.

If his dad isn't just a sexist who calls women names for having a sex life before him and ends up also being a shit or absent dad, your son is lumbered with his name rather than sharing that of his loving mother.

Please rethink, it's nonsensical for him to have his dads last name. What's the reason for giving it to him?!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/10/2021 10:13

The past me thing is really important. You can't trust that this man will always be there or be supportive. And women do sometimes experience problems traveling or with healthcare arrangements for their child of their name is different.
You are going to be doing the bulk of the work here and your body has literally made this human - you really should ensure you don't give away all your rights.
I'd register the baby at the last possible moment and see how things go before you put him on the birth certificate. He could force this legally if so inclined, and in all honesty I do think the BC exists for the child and they have a right to have both their parents named, but just in case he does turn out to be more abusive (and treating you badly due to relationships you had in the past is abusive), I'd advise caution for now.

Original poster
ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 10:14

@Mia85

The name doesn't make a legal difference but being on the birth certificate does.

Why have you chosen to give the Dad's name rather than yours?

Because it’s more traditional I suppose and other than the problems we have between us he is a good man and I am confident he will be a good Dad. I don’t feel particularly sentimental about the baby having my surname. I think it’s nice for him to share that link with his Dad
OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/10/2021 10:14

'past me'. No idea what happened there. I meant 'name thing'

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/10/2021 10:15

I would put him on the birth certificate, sure.

But there's no good reason for him to have your last name over his especially considering his previous behaviour and therefore likelihood of being difficult in future.

Seriously, please rethink it.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/10/2021 10:16

It's also not traditional for a baby to be given the father's name. Where couples are not married, it's actually traditional for the baby to be given the mother's name.

Original poster
ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 10:17

Thank you for your advice re: surname every one but I really want my baby’s father to be a big part of his life despite our personal problems so I would be happy for him to have his Dads surname. I also would feel awful not putting him on the birth certificate, he’s his Dad after all!

OP posts:
Comedycook · 01/10/2021 10:23

Because it’s more traditional I suppose and other than the problems we have between us he is a good man and I am confident he will be a good Dad. I don’t feel particularly sentimental about the baby having my surname. I think it’s nice for him to share that link with his Dad

I'm sorry op but you are incredibly naive. You are trying too hard. It's up to him to be a good dad...stop bending over backwards.

As for the surname, it's traditional for a child to have its father's surname because it's traditional to be married. That's not a dig at you or your circumstances but like hell would I be giving the child a different surname to me. You're the mum, you'll be the main carer. Why should he get his dad's surname? As for the birth certificate, I'd look into the legal implications if I was you. Pretty sure that if he's on it you'll have to get his permission to take the child abroad. If he's abusive, this could end up being a nightmare for you. If you don't put him on, I think he can apply to be added but I wouldn't willingly put him on it from the start.

Honestly, you sound very sweet op but my advice is to wise up sharpish.

Mia85 · 01/10/2021 10:24

I understand why you want to put him on the cetificate but do be aware that this gives him exactly the same parental responsibility (and so parental rights) as you even if you are the one taking the bulk of the practical responsibility. Unless you are sure that he's staying on the scene and you will have a good co-parenting relationship this can be a problem. E.g. if you want to take a job abroad in a few years then you'd have to get court permission even if he has stopped seeing his son.

SprayedWithDettol · 01/10/2021 10:25

You won’t want him in the house when you are at your most vulnerable.
Please don’t put his name on the birth certificate.

Mia85 · 01/10/2021 10:27

This is a good starting point on parental responsibility childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/ if he has it then you technically need his permission even to go on holiday with your son.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2021 10:31

@ArranMumma

Thank you for your advice re: surname every one but I really want my baby’s father to be a big part of his life despite our personal problems so I would be happy for him to have his Dads surname. I also would feel awful not putting him on the birth certificate, he’s his Dad after all!
I think you should really examine your thoughts around the surname thing. "It's more traditional" is a stupid reason, it really is, I understand that you might not have ever thought about it before but it is heavily steeped in sexism to think it needs to remain that way, especially when you aren't in a relationship witn the dad and will have the majority or equal care of the child.

Why would it be better for your baby to be named after the parent who has no respect for their mother, and quite likely won't have majority care? Why would the baby need to have his surname for him to be a big part of their life, but wouldn't need to have yours for you to be? He's already proven he has strong sexist attitudes by calling you a slut, don't feed the beast. Make a stand now, show him you aren't just going to go along with a sexist upbringing for your child.

aSofaNearYou · 01/10/2021 10:32

I feel really angry actually that somebody who's going to give birth to and be the main carer for their baby thinks they should have their dad's surname, rather than theirs. Why??

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/10/2021 10:34

Why would it be better for your baby to be named after the parent who has no respect for their mother, and quite likely won't have majority care? Why would the baby need to have his surname for him to be a big part of their life, but wouldn't need to have yours for you to be? He's already proven he has strong sexist attitudes by calling you a slut, don't feed the beast. Make a stand now, show him you aren't just going to go along with a sexist upbringing for your child.

This. You'll be a big part of his life, so why shouldn't he share your last name?

I think you deep down know he won't be especially great or particularly present so you're trying to establish a link that will last between baby and dad, by giving them the same name. Which I think comes from a good but very naive place on your part.

Imagine not sharing your last name with the most present, responsible and loving of your parents even though your parents weren't even together when you were born. It wouldn't make sense. At all. It's confusing if anything.

NameChange30 · 01/10/2021 10:35

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

It's also not traditional for a baby to be given the father's name. Where couples are not married, it's actually traditional for the baby to be given the mother's name.
This
pickingdaisies · 01/10/2021 10:35

If you are determined to include your ex's name, why not use it as a middle name, with your surname as the actual surname? Honestly, you are setting yourself up for years of hassle and inconvenience if your son has a different surname to you.
Btw are there any air bnb's nearby he could stay at?

Original poster
ArranMumma · 01/10/2021 10:35

It’s not a stupid reason at all. I understand that it’s origins are sexist but despite this it’s become a cultural norm, and seeing as I am the fortunate one who gets to spend more time with my son I think it’s a nice token for him to have his fathers surname.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 01/10/2021 10:37

@ArranMumma

It’s not a stupid reason at all. I understand that it’s origins are sexist but despite this it’s become a cultural norm, and seeing as I am the fortunate one who gets to spend more time with my son I think it’s a nice token for him to have his fathers surname.
You're trying to create a lovely traditional parental set up but the reality is you're going to be a single mum with an abusive ex. You need to respond accordingly. I wish you lots of luck Flowers
MrsSkylerWhite · 01/10/2021 10:39

Can’t offer anything on the dynamics, only you know him and how time forced together is likely to pan out.

Purely practically though, depending where you are, he could probably find a small holiday let for a couple of weeks for quite a lot less than that at this time of year (from 160 pw here in NW).
Any spare should be going on support for you/the baby’s needs.

pickingdaisies · 01/10/2021 10:40

Another thought - the way he is talking to you is abusive. Abusive behaviour ramps up when the woman is pregnant, but even more so once the baby is born. That is when you will be at your most vulnerable. Be very very careful about keeping strong boundaries now, you are seeing him through rose tinted glasses I'm afraid.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/10/2021 10:40

@pickingdaisies

If you are determined to include your ex's name, why not use it as a middle name, with your surname as the actual surname? Honestly, you are setting yourself up for years of hassle and inconvenience if your son has a different surname to you. Btw are there any air bnb's nearby he could stay at?
This is a great idea - his middle name can be his dads last name and his surname can be yours. It makes sense for practical stuff like travelling together and is less confusing for a child. It's a really good idea worth considering.

I think as well as knowing he'll be a bit shit and feeling bad about that so trying to establish a link with him in case he pisses off for your son (which I don't think is in his best interest tbh) you know he would kick off if you don't give the baby his last name. Because misogynists who call women names for having a sex life before them are the same men who think their children should automatically have their name even if they were dicks to the baby's mum and won't be primary carer.

This is your first opportunity to set a boundary as primary carer and make a decision that puts your child first. It's easier and will cause less day to day hassle for you two to share a name as you'll be together the majority of the time. It makes no sense to do anything else last name wise and shows your ex you'll be putting you and your son first now, not him anymore.

He's called you a slut / slag / whatever - that is verbal abuse.

Give the baby his last name as a middle name if you're determined to use it in some way. But don't give up sharing a last name with your son.

Cantgetausername87 · 01/10/2021 10:41

I would think carefully before allowing hom to stay. The first few weeks after giving birth are an emotional rollercoaster and if you are worried he won't be able to support you I wouldnt have him around. Having someone being vile to you is 100% worse than having no practical support. Best of luck with whatever you choose

ZealAndArdour · 01/10/2021 10:41

His dad really isn’t a good man, lol. Or he wouldn’t be speaking to his child’s mother like he does and making comments about her past.

OP, is there a part of you that’s hoping it’s all gonna work out and you’ll be a happy family? Despite his verbal abuse?