Should I ask my baby’s dad to stay in a hotel for his paternity leave?

[ArranMumma]

Me and my babys dad are split but he wants to be very involved when the baby is born and will be around for the whole of his paternity leave. I had initially offered him my spare room for his leave but we’ve been arguing recently and I’m worried that it will spoil my first two weeks bonding with my baby, as I get very sad, anxious and depressed when I feel he is picking fights with me. There are a couple of hotels near me which he could stay in but it will probably cost around £600. He doesn’t earn loads (I think about 27k a year?) but he does have savings so he does have the money to pay for it but I do feel bad asking, especially as for the last three months of my pregnancy he has given me £500 a month to help pay for rent (I was a full time student with little income when I got pregnant and after we split I had to find work and start renting a flat where I can raise the baby, which has been really financially difficult so he’s helped me).

Would I be unfair to ask him to spend even more money renting a place for his paternity? Should I just suck it up and accept that he’s my baby’s father and I need to put up with it for a couple of weeks?

To give you the whole picture, the fights tend to be about my sexual past which is obviously something I can’t change. I wasn’t totally honest with him about previous partners at the beginning of our relationship which has ultimately led to lots of arguments and us splitting up. I think it is for the best that we have split because I don’t want to spend my life being called a slut etc, but even now that we are over he is still bringing it up. He has mostly brought it up when I’ve mistakenly got a bit too friendly with him i.e when I refer to me, him and my son as a ‘family’ it will trigger him to start bringing up the past again. I am a first time Mum and feel nervous about how I am going to emotionally cope with having a baby as I know it can be extremely hard at first, and the worry about having to also deal with being made to feel ashamed about my past feels quite overwhelming right now.

Ffs op, he is not a good man- he calls you a slut 🤬
Don't have him in your home, don't give your baby his name.
In fact, I don't think he should be around for those first few weeks at all - you will be exhausted and emotional. Unfortunately he is abusive and will only make things worse.

I would put him on the birth certificate - it's trivial for him to be added later anyway, so there's no huge benefit in leaving him off unless he's completely absent.

But would definitely think about giving him your name. A relationship with his dad isn't conditional on this and it will be so much less hassle for you in terms of schooling, travelling etc long term. You'd normally only give the child the father's name if you expect to marry, which it sounds like you don't.

Agree don't feel guilty for asking him to sort out his own accommodation.

I think it's good he wants to be involved from the start and it's good that you want to support that. Just be careful about your own boundaries. It's important and healthy to have them and often men who behave in the way he has can be fairly dismissive of boundaries which can be tricky if you're not confident in enforcing them. It's also a vital but tricky part of co-parenting in general. I recommend following a page called Baggage Reclaim on social media if you need support with this.

@ZealAndArdour

His dad really isn’t a good man, lol. Or he wouldn’t be speaking to his child’s mother like he does and making comments about her past.

OP, is there a part of you that’s hoping it’s all gonna work out and you’ll be a happy family? Despite his verbal abuse?

No I’m not aiming for us to be a happy family, but I thought it was normal for Dads to see their children every weekend and that’s what he says he wants to do, so I’m confused why everyone seems to think that he will be a shit Dad that will hardly be there.

If you decide to let him stay with you make sure you set some boundaries first. No bringing up the past or degrading comments or he's out. Do you think he can respect that? If yes, worth a conversation. If no, don't take him in. The least he can do if you offer up your spare room is to treat you with respect and kindness and be appropriately grateful.

What are the long term plans for contact? If the dad lives 4 hrs drive away, what sort of visiting does he plan on?

Baby will live with you in the main, so why not just give them your surname? You and baby are a family unit. Share your name with them.

You might want to ask for the thread to be moved to Relationships.

Do you really think he is going to travel a 4hr drive every weekend to come see the baby? Even when he gets a new girlfriend/starts a new family? I think you’re being naive in the amount of input he is going to be able to have in your child’s life. Where is he going to have contact? In your house every weekend?

Well personally, I think if he’s not be able to manage his feelings like a grown up and keep his (rubbish) beliefs and name calling to himself during your pregnancy, then he’s no more likely to manage it once the baby is born.

How far away does he live? That would require him to stop in a hotel?

In regards to the name- why not both?

As my DS only has his dad's name and he's now completely uninvolved...

He can see his child without being on the birth certificate and having his surname. Please look into the legal implications of having him on the birth certificate.

He's abusive to you...he's already failed the first test of being a good dad.

@ArranMumma

It’s not a stupid reason at all. I understand that it’s origins are sexist but despite this it’s become a cultural norm, and seeing as I am the fortunate one who gets to spend more time with my son I think it’s a nice token for him to have his fathers surname.

But... it makes infinitely more sense for him to have the surname of the person who looks after him most, and will need to appear related to him for many different practical reasons throughout his life.

I'm sorry, but it is a stupid reason. There's no sensible reason to do this. Are you scared of how he would react?

No I’m not aiming for us to be a happy family, but I thought it was normal for Dads to see their children every weekend and that’s what he says he wants to do, so I’m confused why everyone seems to think that he will be a shit Dad that will hardly be there.

He might see him every weekend but that's still not anywhere near as much as you will be doing for him.

Someone who thought it was acceptable to be verbally abusive to me, the mother of his unborn child, regarding my sexual past certainly wouldn’t be someone who would be welcome to stay in my home. He’s promised he won’t bring it up, but he will. Promising means fuck all, he’s done it time and again already. Misogynistic twat. Don’t feel guilty for a second when you ask him to sort his own accommodation, he burned his bridge there really didn’t he?
I agree he should be on baby’s birth certificate but honestly, I would rethink giving baby his surname. Or perhaps, as has already been suggested as a compromise, having his surname as a middle name, and yours as the official surname. I cannot for the life of me understand the ‘it’s traditional’ mindset when this baby is being born to parents who aren’t even together, don’t live together, let alone who are married (hence ‘traditional’ as they’d normally share a name already due to marriage). You’re just setting yourself up for hassle further down the line in bending so far to keep your ex happy.
This is not, I would like to point out, me casting any aspersions whatsoever about this mans potential as a father, he may be truly wonderful. I just think you need to think of this more practically and with less emotion.

How will he be a good dad if he has no basic respect for the child's mother??

It's traditional for the child to have its MOTHER'S surname!!! Obviously if married to the baby's father this will be the same as the father. Listen to the posters advising you to use your name and not to put him on the birth certificate. He can be added later when he's proved himself.

Finally, you seem to feel he's somewhat justified in not respecting you and calling you names due to your previous sexual relationships - regardless of what you didn't tell him at the start of your relationship it's NONE OF HIS BUSINESS and certainly not something he should be shaming you and calling you names!

Quite honestly I am at a loss as to why on earth you think he is a 'good man' and will be a good father??

Good luck, unfortunately I think you're really going to need it

Good men and fathers are not abusive to the mother of their children. You are living in a fantasy land if you really think this guy will step up and be a father. You two don't have "personal problems " you are being abused by this man. I really hope you realise this before your baby arrives

I have to agree on the surname thing. Think about it practically rather than emotionally. If you have a different surname to your child, there will be many occasions to come where you need extra proof that you are indeed his mother, and that will get tiring and frustrating eventually.

If you're really keen for him to have his dad's name then how about double-barrelled? Or as someone mentioned already, give his name as a middle name. But please don't leave your own name out, it will make life easier if you share a name.

He lives 4 hours from you OP. It's incredibly unlikely he will even see his child every other weekend. He will likely go on to have a relationship with another woman, have more children and have precious little input into this baby's life. I think you're utterly mad to give your son his last name. That would only be a discussion to have with a man you're married to. This is just some bloke who has called you a slut and gotten you pregnant. Like hell would o name my child for a man who called me a slut. You need some self respect OP.

He lives 4 hours away from you and you think he will see your baby every weekend?
The reality is that once your son arrives the novelty will wear off fairly soon and contact will drop off.
It's great he wants to be involved and should be on the birth certificate but please don't give your child a different surname to yourself. It will cause issues when travelling and at school. If you were in a relationship and lived together fine, but you're not even in a relationship any more.
If he wants to stay and help for a couple of weeks then let him, trust me, you'll need it.
You literally won't care what he says provided he brings you food etc you'll both be so overwhelmed with keeping a tiny human alive that I really doubt you'll have time for annoying conversations that don't really matter as you're no longer in a relationship.

I’m confused why everyone seems to think that he will be a shit Dad that will hardly be there

The women replying here are speaking from experience. They've seen these situations play out in their own lives or those of family and friends. They've seen the countless threads on here where things have gone wrong. He might end up being a fantastic supportive dad but you can't go into this assuming that he will be. Enough dads end up being shit and absent that you have to assume that's a reasonable possibility and do what you can to protect yourself and your baby from the fallout if it is.

@GinnyBee

I have to agree on the surname thing. Think about it practically rather than emotionally. If you have a different surname to your child, there will be many occasions to come where you need extra proof that you are indeed his mother, and that will get tiring and frustrating eventually.

If you're really keen for him to have his dad's name then how about double-barrelled? Or as someone mentioned already, give his name as a middle name. But please don't leave your own name out, it will make life easier if you share a name.

Yes, this. It's a practical minefield.

It's also actually traditional for the baby to have the mother's surname, that's what the hospital will call them by default. Don't be hoodwinked in this regard, it's important and you will be making life really difficult for yourself just to maintain sexist "tradition" (it's traditional when you're married, not otherwise) for a man who is already abusively sexist.

For everyone who keeps commenting on the four hours thing - once the baby is a year old I’m going to move closer to his Dad so that it’s easier for him to visit. I only moved back to my home town to have the baby because he is going to be away a lot with work this year and I wanted the support system of my childhood friends while I am single and with a newborn. But I will eventually move closer to his Dad so that they can have a good relationship. His Dad can’t move because his job, which he has worked very hard to achieve, is very specific and means he can only be based in certain locations.

Please understand too OP that these aren't attacks on you, they are women who have seen this situation play out and are advising accordingly with the benefit of experience.

Best case scenario he sees him 4-8 days a month while you see him all of the other days, are his primary carer and will have to deal with the logistics and practicalities and issues with not sharing his last name.

That's even without taking into consideration his character.

@ArranMumma

For everyone who keeps commenting on the four hours thing - once the baby is a year old I’m going to move closer to his Dad so that it’s easier for him to visit. I only moved back to my home town to have the baby because he is going to be away a lot with work this year and I wanted the support system of my childhood friends while I am single and with a newborn. But I will eventually move closer to his Dad so that they can have a good relationship. His Dad can’t move because his job, which he has worked very hard to achieve, is very specific and means he can only be based in certain locations.

This just gets worse. You're moving away from your support network . Please please wise up...

@ArranMumma

For everyone who keeps commenting on the four hours thing - once the baby is a year old I’m going to move closer to his Dad so that it’s easier for him to visit. I only moved back to my home town to have the baby because he is going to be away a lot with work this year and I wanted the support system of my childhood friends while I am single and with a newborn. But I will eventually move closer to his Dad so that they can have a good relationship. His Dad can’t move because his job, which he has worked very hard to achieve, is very specific and means he can only be based in certain locations.

Oh my love 😞

You're going to move your son away from the rest of his family and support network to be closer to his dad who may or may not be particularly present but has already proven himself to be capable of calling women sluts and slags even when they are pregnant and vulnerable.

It's not fair on your or even more importantly your son.

He will adore your parents, family, friends and develop meaningful and lovely relationships with them. Then move far away to be near his dad who is a sexist pig at best.

@ArranMumma

For everyone who keeps commenting on the four hours thing - once the baby is a year old I’m going to move closer to his Dad so that it’s easier for him to visit. I only moved back to my home town to have the baby because he is going to be away a lot with work this year and I wanted the support system of my childhood friends while I am single and with a newborn. But I will eventually move closer to his Dad so that they can have a good relationship. His Dad can’t move because his job, which he has worked very hard to achieve, is very specific and means he can only be based in certain locations.

Oh god it gets worse and worse. Don’t do that, OP!! You’ll need your friends and your support network throughout your sons life, and throughout your life for that matter. Do not isolate yourself and cut yourself from your people for the sake of making your ex’s life easier!!