Should I ask my baby’s dad to stay in a hotel for his paternity leave?

[ArranMumma]

Me and my babys dad are split but he wants to be very involved when the baby is born and will be around for the whole of his paternity leave. I had initially offered him my spare room for his leave but we’ve been arguing recently and I’m worried that it will spoil my first two weeks bonding with my baby, as I get very sad, anxious and depressed when I feel he is picking fights with me. There are a couple of hotels near me which he could stay in but it will probably cost around £600. He doesn’t earn loads (I think about 27k a year?) but he does have savings so he does have the money to pay for it but I do feel bad asking, especially as for the last three months of my pregnancy he has given me £500 a month to help pay for rent (I was a full time student with little income when I got pregnant and after we split I had to find work and start renting a flat where I can raise the baby, which has been really financially difficult so he’s helped me).

Would I be unfair to ask him to spend even more money renting a place for his paternity? Should I just suck it up and accept that he’s my baby’s father and I need to put up with it for a couple of weeks?

To give you the whole picture, the fights tend to be about my sexual past which is obviously something I can’t change. I wasn’t totally honest with him about previous partners at the beginning of our relationship which has ultimately led to lots of arguments and us splitting up. I think it is for the best that we have split because I don’t want to spend my life being called a slut etc, but even now that we are over he is still bringing it up. He has mostly brought it up when I’ve mistakenly got a bit too friendly with him i.e when I refer to me, him and my son as a ‘family’ it will trigger him to start bringing up the past again. I am a first time Mum and feel nervous about how I am going to emotionally cope with having a baby as I know it can be extremely hard at first, and the worry about having to also deal with being made to feel ashamed about my past feels quite overwhelming right now.

btw my father was never on my certificate because my mum was pregnant before the age of consent. They were together though and stayed together to have 3 more children eventually splitting when I was 14. I have my mothers name on my birth certificate but because I went to school in the early 90s they werent as strict with ID so my mum gave me my dads surname at school. When it came to me getting my first job at 18 they wanted to see my school history etc but I had to use my birth certificate name to open a bank account etc so the names didnt match. We were going to have to go to the registers of births and deaths together me my mum and dad and they were gonnabe able to put my dad on the certificate and change my name to his so it all matched up. My workplaced ended up letting me just use my mums surname so from 16 I have just used that name for all work and legal. But my school mates know me as a different name! so you definitely can add him at a later date (then again I was 18 in 2004 so not sure if the rules have changed)

Do not move away from your support network to be closer to this man.

@ChantelleFirstBaby Er, this thread is not about you.

@ArranMumma It's clear you have the best of intentions and that's admirable, but none of us can see into the future or ever be certain how another person will behave. However let's be clear, fyour ex's ability and willingness to be a good father does not or certainly should not depend upon having the same surname, upon being named upon the birth certificate, upon living close by. He absolutely can be a good father without any of those things and if he lives up to that expectation then great, you can facilitate those things. Unfortunately he's already not only fallen but crashed dramatically at the first hurdle, which is to treat his child's mother with respect.

Give yourself and your child time and space to work out how you will all work together as a family and don't do anything you can't easily change - as others have pointed out, adding him to the birth certificate later isn't a problem. Taking him off is.

It's amazing how differently you see the world and the future after you become a parent. You will want to give your child every opportunity and you may not be able to do that if someone else legally has a say.

[quote SharpLily]@ChantelleFirstBaby Er, this thread is not about you.

@ArranMumma It's clear you have the best of intentions and that's admirable, but none of us can see into the future or ever be certain how another person will behave. However let's be clear, fyour ex's ability and willingness to be a good father does not or certainly should not depend upon having the same surname, upon being named upon the birth certificate, upon living close by. He absolutely can be a good father without any of those things and if he lives up to that expectation then great, you can facilitate those things. Unfortunately he's already not only fallen but crashed dramatically at the first hurdle, which is to treat his child's mother with respect.

Give yourself and your child time and space to work out how you will all work together as a family and don't do anything you can't easily change - as others have pointed out, adding him to the birth certificate later isn't a problem. Taking him off is.

It's amazing how differently you see the world and the future after you become a parent. You will want to give your child every opportunity and you may not be able to do that if someone else legally has a say.[/quote]
where the hell did I say its about me? people have commented on things I have said so I have explained. I have offered my opinions and advice to the OP several times and wished her good luck also. I went into details about the birth certificate because I wanted to reassure her that at a later date she can add him if he proves himself. I think the fact I went into detail lets her know of an example it can be done. Gosh actually caring about other people etc can be seen as being a post highjacker I have not once took away from the OP at all but I will always go into great detail about subjects I care about etc and if someone addresses me directly like you have I will have something to say

I think you need to start your own thread if you want to talk at length about yourself. That's the usual etiquette here. Otherwise it gets confusing.

@Viviennemary

I think you need to start your own thread if you want to talk at length about yourself. That's the usual etiquette here. Otherwise it gets confusing.

Its really not my intention I wanted to help thats where I originally started and then people would make comments on my opinions instigating me to explain myself. Obviously the upmost importance is the OP gets the advice she needs. I tried to connect with the women on the post by connecting experiences and explaining opinions as I believe thats how people relate to each other. Ive only gone into detail when someone addresses what I say specifically. I didnt want to create a post because all these posts stemmed from what was asked of me on here nothing more.

anyway Ive gave the OP my opinion and advice and Im willing to let her get on with that if people dont want me to say anything else then I need to stop being mentioned I get an email pop up saying so and so has mentioned me so I reply. I am not ignorant nor rude! but I dont wanna bombard anyones posts so for the last time good luck OP hope everything goes well for you and your family x

@ChantelleFirstBaby thanks for your input Chantelle I genuinely appreciated it xx

Ok. Sorry. No problems. Its helped OP so thats good.

Op it’s good that you are near friends and family. If you do decide to let him stay at your house, can you explain your concerns to a couple of your friends? The challenge is that once baby is born, you are vulnerable and stuck. He could be standing in your living room shouting what a fucking slut you are and no one will ever love you, you will be stuck there wirh baby struggling physically to walk around and completely unable to make him leave. So if you do let him stay have some friends who are aware and can come over and see him and his bag out of the house if he kicks off.
Perhaps also before baby is born, if he has a key get a chain on the door so you can shut it against him and feel safe, that would give you time to change the locks. Ideally he doesn’t have a key though.

Remember calling you a slut is abusive. Also, it is none of his business how many people you slept with before being with him and having a go at you for it is abusive. Ditto with any future partners, he doesseeem like someone who will absolutely kick off and be awful to you and try and control you through your child if another man ever dare find you attractive. You’re young, and you will probably find another much better relationship and this man won’t like it.

Why don't you look for a bed and breakfast or an airbnb as likely to be cheaper than a hotel.

Haven't read full thread.

My friend has had MASSIVE issues with her pratt of an ex, all because he's on the BC and has baby's last name.

They were together couple of years, madly in love, fell pregnant. He started to change during her pregnancy and like you gave her shit about her past. Btw, he'd impregnated another woman right before he met my friend and never told her for months, so he was hardly one to talk!!!

Anyway, baby arrives, he continues being a prick. They eventually split up. Baby must have been about a year old.

He continues to have contact as local, but always when convenient to HIM. He'd get really funny if she wanted a girls night out and would be purposefully difficult in babysitting so she often had to hide the fact if she wanted a night out with friends.

He was seeing various girls. When he heard she had met someone he would purposefully turn his phone off when he had the baby. So it would be hours past the agreed time for the baby to be dropped back and she couldn't get a hold of him! Police wouldn't do anything other than check the baby was ok. As long as the child is in no harm and with their dad who has parental responsibility as is on the BC, the police will NOT remove the child and bring them back to the mum.

He'd constantly threaten that he'd keep the baby and she'd have to go to court to get him back.

She wanted to go on a family holiday abroad. She was smart enough to not tell him this, just float the 'idea' past him, as the airline policy was you have to have a signed letter from any person with parental responsibility that it's authorised by them to take the child out of the country. He loved knowing he could use that as a way to control her! In the end she went and didn't tell him and luckily wasn't asked for said letter, but she was SO stressed leading up to that holiday, worrying about how it was more obvious as she had a different surname to the baby etc. It should have been a time for excitement.

He's threatened to go for full custody and make out she's a shit mum as she suffered pnd. He's said he'd definitely get 50/50 care at least from the courts if he requested it.

On and on and on.

She was extremely happy with him at one point. It's settled down a lot now few years on, but my god did he make her life hell if he felt she was going against him, didn't agree with her dating etc etc.

Another friend, long term relationship, split when baby was 6 months old. She years later when kid started school wanted their surnames the same as her child wanted it. The dad eventually did agree to a change of surname, but she had to jump through hoops to get it. Despite him barely ever seeing his son.

Do you know they can even get a say in all medical care and things like what school your child can attend?

Neither friend was married. Neither friend would have ever said their ex was capable of such behaviour, before they started demonstrating it.

My DH changed his name to his mums surname as his dad never bothered with him. He wanted the surname of the person who raised him.

Not having tour ex on the BC is not irreversible - you can ammend that easily even changing surnames if you wish.

But if you do it automatically you can't change anything without his PERMISSION AND SIGNED CONSENT!

PLEASE give it a year or two to see what kind of parent he becomes, but just as importantly, what kind of CO-Parent, as that's the part that could become strained and you don't want him having automatic patental rights without any of the hard graft of actually raising the child.