Should I ask my baby’s dad to stay in a hotel for his paternity leave?

[ArranMumma]

Me and my babys dad are split but he wants to be very involved when the baby is born and will be around for the whole of his paternity leave. I had initially offered him my spare room for his leave but we’ve been arguing recently and I’m worried that it will spoil my first two weeks bonding with my baby, as I get very sad, anxious and depressed when I feel he is picking fights with me. There are a couple of hotels near me which he could stay in but it will probably cost around £600. He doesn’t earn loads (I think about 27k a year?) but he does have savings so he does have the money to pay for it but I do feel bad asking, especially as for the last three months of my pregnancy he has given me £500 a month to help pay for rent (I was a full time student with little income when I got pregnant and after we split I had to find work and start renting a flat where I can raise the baby, which has been really financially difficult so he’s helped me).

Would I be unfair to ask him to spend even more money renting a place for his paternity? Should I just suck it up and accept that he’s my baby’s father and I need to put up with it for a couple of weeks?

To give you the whole picture, the fights tend to be about my sexual past which is obviously something I can’t change. I wasn’t totally honest with him about previous partners at the beginning of our relationship which has ultimately led to lots of arguments and us splitting up. I think it is for the best that we have split because I don’t want to spend my life being called a slut etc, but even now that we are over he is still bringing it up. He has mostly brought it up when I’ve mistakenly got a bit too friendly with him i.e when I refer to me, him and my son as a ‘family’ it will trigger him to start bringing up the past again. I am a first time Mum and feel nervous about how I am going to emotionally cope with having a baby as I know it can be extremely hard at first, and the worry about having to also deal with being made to feel ashamed about my past feels quite overwhelming right now.

OP - are you both from the same cultural/religious/national background? He seems to have some very unusual ideas about how women should live their lives and I am wondering whether he is from a very traditional religious background? The reasons for asking is that if you have very different ideas about your son's upbringing and education then equal co-parenting becomes especially tricky.

@ArranMumma
I agree set boundaries with him before hand and tell him if he steps out of line once its a hotel he's off to, as you will be full of all emotions and tired trying to cope with a new born you can't have the stress.

And I agree with you on last name, you do what feels right. Goodluck.

He’s abusive and controlling and no amount of ‘happy memories together’ will make up for the damage it will do to your son to hear his mother consistently being called a slut and basically being verbally abused.

You sound absolutely lovely and kind but also quite vulnerable and if you don’t put some clear and firm boundaries in place I’ve a feeling this man is going to make your life as a parent very very difficult.

My mum split with my dad before o was born. She tried having my surname hyphenated- think she was Jones, him Smith. My name was Smith-Jones. Absolute admin nightmare especially for medical and travel. She changed name by deed poll so hyphen removed and his surname is middle name.

Also if your ex slut shames you, guaranteed he will do the same to a daughter and teach a son to see his mother with the same contempt. No dad is better than a dad who poisons a child against their primary carer or against themselves.

He is a contolling person. I would keep him at arms length. And dont even think about moving nearer to him. So because of him at the age of 27 you are not allowed to marry ever because he doesn't want your son to have a step father. What does your family think about this. And the name calling.

Also, in the UK it's actually quite easy to change a name as long as you're an adult/ both parents agree.

If he does in fact turn out to be a decent human being, then you can add his name later.

BTW, my ex won't allow me to take my son abroad and I can't do it without his permission.

OP, I hope you are ok.
I think this thread might have been an emotional rollercoaster for you.
Believe that anyone posting is only looking out for you, sharing their experiences and observations.
Any decision you make is your to do alone, based on what's best for your DS and you.

If you decide to let your ex stay, can you email him first with ground rules and reasoning, ie it's crucial that you and DS create a bond in a happy and calm environment. You'll need him to be kind, fair, supportive and allow you to do what you feel is best for your so. And your body.

The minute he disrespects you or makes you feel u comfortable, he's out. Where he goes is his problem.

www.coparents.co.uk/blog/do-fathers-have-the-same-parental-rights-as-mothers/

If you put him on the birth certificate then he can have a legal day over all sorts of things. He can even apply for a passport and with hold it from you. He can prevent you going abroad, have a say in religious ceremonies etc and education all as medical things. Do you both agree about things like end of life care should the anything medically serious happen to your baby/child? Do you are about organ donation? Blood transfusions?

And he CAN take your child and you will have to go to court to get him back. The police will NOT help you if he is on the birth certificate. However, if he is not on the birth certificate, even as the dad, it's kidnapping and so very serious.

As others have said, you can add him onto the birth certificate at any point on the future. When he has proven himself to be more responsible and less of a name calling idiot that forbids you from getting a serious partner in the future before you kid is even born.

I also think it's very wise for you to take other posters advice and so facilitating everything. Let him do the work and sure he is determined to be a dad BEFORE he goes on the birth certificate.

@Comedycook

i know my baby’s dad is very against the idea of my son ever having a “step-dad

I bet he's not against the idea of your son having a step mum though

Gawd almighty! He’s dictating to you even before your baby is born OP. For heaven’s sake think very, very carefully about the relationship with this child’s father, it’s not looking good to me if he’s already behaving like this. If he chooses to go for full parental rights then I dread to think how he’ll behave. I wouldn’t trust him an inch now, let alone later.

Because hes been paying your rent for you I do think its harsh to make him pay for a hotel. BUT on the other hand he cannot be stressing you out during this time when youre not even a couple anymore. I think its very reasonable to say to him you acknowledge hes paid your rent and youre grateful but he MUST stop his comments or you will be forced to make him stay in a hotel that he will have to pay for also. He has a choice its not like anyones forcing him to say those things. Be firm, if he carries on then make him go. He will only have himself to blame.

I certainly wouldn't let him stay. Is there anyone else who can help? A best friend? Even just for some days? Once friends know you are on your own I'm sure some would ask what they can do, and you can always say what you're looking for ideally. I know of at least one OH who has been so useless post birth that my friend had to go and live with her dad. She decided the stress from his hostlity made it harder to care for the baby.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think you need to be comfortable and stress free, so I'd ask him to stay elsewhere. It doesn't matter that he's helped you financially - you are pregnant with his baby and that has caused you additional costs that morally he is responsible for too. He's only done what he should be doing. I think there's a danger of setting the bar far too low for men, so we feel like we owe them something, for doing the things that we should be able to expect them to do in the first place! Like paying towards the costs you've incurred as a result of the pregnancy.

If you tell him now then he has time to prepare. I'm guessing that when you tell him he's going to start on about it being his baby too and he has a 'right' to be there. He doesn't. You don't want to be dealing with this when your hormones are all over the place and you are tired. He can help you plenty in the daytime and bond with the baby.

so you get to pick and choose the persons rights do you? he MUST pay because he got her pregnant but he DOESNT have a right to be involved?! have you seriously heard yourself. Gosh there is so much toxic femininity going on here and alot of contradictions. Saying someone should pay for a pregnancy but they dont have any rights is just ridiculous! Whilst I agree she shouldnt be subjected to any kind of emotional torment saying he HAS to pay for this but DOESNT have a right for that is just disgusting and entitled

@chantellefirstbaby He only been paying a third of the cost of my rent and bills - I live near London so it’s very expensive. Once the baby is born I will get a decent amount of universal credit so I’ll only be asking him for £200/£250 a month x

Plus I’ll be working part time (about 15 hours a week) from when the baby is born x

I mean from when the baby is six weeks *

How are you planning to manage work around the baby Op?

If anyone ever called me a slut they would never ever speak to me or see me again. That's abusive. There is no way in reality a man can call a girlfriend a slut and be upset about her sexual past and still be "a good guy" - these two things are completely mutually exclusive. OP what has happened in your life to make you feel like that's something you can forgive? That makes me really really sad. I hope you reach out for support that isn't this horrible man. Really feeling for you right now.

@MyothercarisaCozyCoupe

How are you planning to manage work around the baby Op?

My Mum is helping. We have our issues between us at the moment so I don’t feel like I have emotional support from her, but she is very excited to have a grandson and already loves him loads. She will look after him while I work regardless of any problems between us. So I am very lucky.

[quote ArranMumma]@chantellefirstbaby He only been paying a third of the cost of my rent and bills - I live near London so it’s very expensive. Once the baby is born I will get a decent amount of universal credit so I’ll only be asking him for £200/£250 a month x[/quote]
I still stand by what I said you said hes been giving you £500 a month at the moment over 9 months thats £4500 thats ALOT of money and theres nothing wrong with you taking extra off him when the baby arrives but I just think its more fair to give him a warning before you make him spend even more money. Like you say you live near London so his hotel bill will be alot also. He MUST respect you though this is not me saying he shouldnt go to a hotel because hes paid rent for you Im saying it factors in though.

@ChantelleFirstBaby he has paid it 3 times so far and will have to pay it once more so it’s £2000 overall but without his financial help to rent privately I would have had to get put on a council waiting list and I wouldn’t have been eligible for that until the baby was born. I had to register myself as homeless with the council and they basically said I would have to stay in a hostel until they found somewhere or I would have to stay at my parents, but I was not getting on great with my mum so both were really not good options for raising the baby. So I did only ask him because it was desperate, plus because I was a student we had a kinda understanding that he would have to pay for more.

Where he works he gets free accommodation so it’s not like he’s paying two lots of rent which makes me feel a bit better. But I do get what you’re saying as well

Just giving a bit more info x

Gosh there is so much toxic femininity going on here

Toxic feminity that manifests in not wanting to be verbally/emotionally abused and controlled by the father of your child whilst also trying to facilitate some sort of relationship for the sake of the child.. yes, aren't women awful

fair enough obviously £2000 isnt £4500 we can only go by what information we are given so thanks for clearing that up. The women that are saying you shouldnt be complacent with being called a slut are COMPLETELY right btw. My frustration before was more towards people saying he should pay but he shouldnt have rights as well. I have an awful ex partner and I will be doing this by myself for the benefit of my childs development. We dont know the full story to why hes called you such terrible names etc or much more about the two of yours relationships. But parents that arent together need to learn to co parent well and they cant go around slagging off the other its not a competition or popularity contest (I 100% sure know that my ex wouldnt care about doing the right thing in parenting he would rather be the cool dad and make me the mean mummy) because I dont want him involved I am not asking him for a single penny and thats my belief on the subject. I private rent too and cant even go on the council list when I give birth because I private rent atm. I would have to go into a hostel. If thats what I wanted its what I would do. I wouldnt feel right asking a man for anything I didnt want involved, You do what him involved though so nothing wrong with getting help but please make sure he lets go of his anger and resentment before it poisons your childs personality good luck x

I know that coming here and hearing that everything you are doing is 'wrong' can be overwhelming and upsetting. But honestly, the women here really do have your best interests in mind and what we are saying is coming from a place of experience. When you are having your first baby, it's normal not to know any of this stuff and it's also normal to want to trust the father of your baby and to facilitate a good relationship between him and your child.
It takes time and experience to realise that you shouldn't be doing all the facilitation, you can't force him to be an involved dad no matter what you do and if his son really matters he will make the effort himself and that a man with a tendency to say abusive things will take everything you give him and demand more. When you really think about it, there's a massive level of entitlement being displayed by him already - that he thinks his 'ownership' of you extends to what you did before you even met him!
When you are a mum you are going to have to think very carefully about the behaviour modelled to your son. You might not want his dad to exert too much influence.
And when your son starts school (which comes around quickly) you might not want his dad to have all the fun weekends while you do all the school runs and homework!

If you are cautious now, you can be less cautious in future if he proves himself decent at parenting. If you give away too much now, you can't dial it back if you need to. There's nothing to lose by being careful.

Chantelle he doesn't have rights, he has responsibilities. Of course he should help financially - the OP now has expenses for things she wouldn't have if it wasn't for the pregnancy, so yes he owes her help. Receiving that help doesn't entitle him to stay in her home or for the baby to be given his name. The financial help isn't a purchase price!