Should I ask my baby’s dad to stay in a hotel for his paternity leave?

[ArranMumma]

Me and my babys dad are split but he wants to be very involved when the baby is born and will be around for the whole of his paternity leave. I had initially offered him my spare room for his leave but we’ve been arguing recently and I’m worried that it will spoil my first two weeks bonding with my baby, as I get very sad, anxious and depressed when I feel he is picking fights with me. There are a couple of hotels near me which he could stay in but it will probably cost around £600. He doesn’t earn loads (I think about 27k a year?) but he does have savings so he does have the money to pay for it but I do feel bad asking, especially as for the last three months of my pregnancy he has given me £500 a month to help pay for rent (I was a full time student with little income when I got pregnant and after we split I had to find work and start renting a flat where I can raise the baby, which has been really financially difficult so he’s helped me).

Would I be unfair to ask him to spend even more money renting a place for his paternity? Should I just suck it up and accept that he’s my baby’s father and I need to put up with it for a couple of weeks?

To give you the whole picture, the fights tend to be about my sexual past which is obviously something I can’t change. I wasn’t totally honest with him about previous partners at the beginning of our relationship which has ultimately led to lots of arguments and us splitting up. I think it is for the best that we have split because I don’t want to spend my life being called a slut etc, but even now that we are over he is still bringing it up. He has mostly brought it up when I’ve mistakenly got a bit too friendly with him i.e when I refer to me, him and my son as a ‘family’ it will trigger him to start bringing up the past again. I am a first time Mum and feel nervous about how I am going to emotionally cope with having a baby as I know it can be extremely hard at first, and the worry about having to also deal with being made to feel ashamed about my past feels quite overwhelming right now.

I wouldn't have anyone who called me a slut, in my house. Nor would I want such an unpleasant disrespectful person having any part in my son's life. What sort of influence will he be?

If you insist on having him around, make it absolutely clear, one aggressive comment and he is out the door. For your son's sake if not your own.

Is this thread even real?

OP, how old are you? Do you have your parents in your life?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Please understand too OP that these aren't attacks on you, they are women who have seen this situation play out and are advising accordingly with the benefit of experience.

Best case scenario he sees him 4-8 days a month while you see him all of the other days, are his primary carer and will have to deal with the logistics and practicalities and issues with not sharing his last name.

That's even without taking into consideration his character.

It is hard not to take them as personal attacks. All I am trying to do is try to make a life which is best for my baby, in my mind that means working on a good amicable relationship with his Dad, and acting in a way that encourages his Dad to see him as much as he can i.e having his dad as involved as possible when my son is new born, giving my son his fathers surname, moving to a location where my son can easily see his Dad. For this I have been told I am “just a single mum with an abusive ex”, I am “stupid”, I am “naive” and have actually made one user “angry”. I have been in tears all morning. Feel like I am making the wrong move if I make things difficult for his dad to see him, but apparently I am also making the wrong move if I try to facilitate his dad being in his life as much as I can.

@ZealAndArdour

Is this thread even real?

OP, how old are you? Do you have your parents in your life?

I am late 20s. I don’t have a great relationship with my Mum, fairly good with my Dad.

This entire thing sounds like a recipe for disaster.

If you put him on your child's birth certificate, you know he can take your baby as he will have parental responsibility and YOU will have to take him to court to get him returned? You say he has called you a slut and constantly raises your sexual past.... this man has no respect for you so why do you think he would let you, who he thinks as a slut that is not worthy of being in a rational with him, keep his baby? Or dictate what is best for his baby? By putting him on the birth certificate you are giving him equal rights to your child. What happens if six months after the baby is born he meets somebody else? Decides to move even further away? Doesn't want to see the baby more than once a month? Or every six months?

OP, you sound incredibly naive. Being a single mum is HARD but it's often made much harder by the father of the children. Statistically, he will not be a great dad. His relationship is likely to be sub par at best. Please consider all of this before you sign away half of child to a man that you can't even trust not to call you a slut.

And to be clear nobody has suggested that you should make it difficult to fit your ex to see the baby. He SHOULD be seeing his child as much as possible. He SHOULD want a decent relationship but living for hours away for the foreseeable makes it very unlikely.

But if he DOES commit to being a dad, you can always add him onto the birth certificate in the future. Please consider this.

I'm sorry the thread has upset you OP. As I said people want the best for you and your baby and planning to move away from your whole support network and current life just isn't in the best interest of you or your baby. It really isn't. You're moving away from what YOU know to facilitate him seeing his dad - a dad who hasn't yet proven himself and based on previous is at best a misogynist who emotionally and verbally abused you.

I would beg you to rethink the name thing and the plan to move.

The onus is on him to prioritise his son, not on you to leave your support network (which will also be your sons family, friends and familiar faces) to make that as easy as possible for him.

For this I have been told I am “just a single mum with an abusive ex”, I am “stupid”, I am “naive

I said you will be a single mum with an abusive ex. I didn't say 'just a single mum' and I did say it was not a judgment on your circumstances. You will be a single mum. This is a fact. Your ex is abusive. I'm not trying to make you feel awful but you need to be realistic.

Like I said, look at the implications of putting him on the birth certificate. This is serious.

OP I know it's tough but please don't take it personally, the women here are trying to help you not to attack you. No-one has called you 'stupid' or 'just a single mum'.

Of course the ideal is an amicable relationship between you and the Dad so that your son can have two involved and supportive parents. The problem is that you can't make this happen, the dad has to put in the hard work too and has to support and respect you. The way he's spoken to you is a real red flag that he won't do that. The risk is that you will do all the running - giving up your home when you're vulnerable, giving up a shared name with your son, giving him rights that will make your life more difficult, moving away from your support network - and all that will do is make life immeasurably harder for you. He can be involved without you giving him all this on a plate.

OP, I mean this kindly, but you are thinking about this entirely the wrong way. If you start off with you doing all the moving, making all the allowances, accommodating him in every possible way and generally making your own life much more difficult than it needs to be, then that will be your life for the next 18 years.

If he is indeed a good man, then he will work around what your son needs, and not expect you to uproot your life. His career choices are not your problem- if he wants to be closer to his son, then he will find a way.

Are you a little bit worried that he just won't make the effort, is that why you are going to such lengths to accommodate him?

With important decisions like putting his name on the birth certificate or which surname to give your son, try to think about which options can be changed later. If he has PR, then taking it away is probably not going to be possible. If he doesn't, because he is not named on the BC, and he proves to be a good, decent and committed father, then his name can be added later.

Don't tie yourself up in knots trying to do the right thing by someone who calls you vile names. He certainly isn't worrying about you in that way.

OP this is Mumsnet where you often get crazy advise. Please please don't let posters upset you.

I agree with you about putting the father on the birth certificate and believe it's unfair on the child not to do so.

I also agree with you that you are doing your best to facilitate a relationship and your DC will see this and appreciate it growing up.

You are doing a great Job. Remember this is your baby too please do what makes you comfortable. You could always set boundaries and explain if he makes you feel uncomfortable he will need to spend the rest of the visit in a hotel.

Wish you the best of luck xxx

this is Mumsnet where you often get crazy advise. Please please don't let posters upset you

I haven't read any crazy advice.

Putting an abusive man on your babies birth certificate is really quite 'crazy' imo. A birth certificate is not a lovely momento...it has all sort of legal implications

I also agree with you that you are doing your best to facilitate a relationship and your Dc

She is. He isn't doing his best as a potential father by verbally/emotionally abusing her.

Have you thought of looking at some Airbnb's often they work out much cheaper when looking at longer term rentals. Plus he will be more comfortable and you can switch between him to coming to yours and you going there.

You could even consider moving into an Airbnb together? Just for the 2 weeks, to have a neutral place where you have to power to leave if it gets to frayed rather than relying on him leaving when you ask him...

@rainbowdashsneeze

OP this is Mumsnet where you often get crazy advise. Please please don't let posters upset you.

I agree with you about putting the father on the birth certificate and believe it's unfair on the child not to do so.

I also agree with you that you are doing your best to facilitate a relationship and your DC will see this and appreciate it growing up.

You are doing a great Job. Remember this is your baby too please do what makes you comfortable. You could always set boundaries and explain if he makes you feel uncomfortable he will need to spend the rest of the visit in a hotel.

Wish you the best of luck xxx

Do you believe it's in OP and her baby's best interest to leave her entire support network and move away to be closer to a man who has not yet proven himself as a dad and is best case scenario someone who has consistently, even throughout her pregnancy, verbally and emotionally abused OP by calling her a slut / slag?

You can't possibly think that's in the best interest of her child. A wider support network is vital especially for single parents.

It’s not on your to do all of the facilitating, maybe it would be beneficial to take a step back from all the stretching and bending you’re doing for him, so you can see how much effort he’s prepared to make himself to see his son?

Ultimately you need to look after the things you can control, your life and that of your baby. Set yourself up for your own greatest chances of success, in a location you’re familiar with, close to your support network and somewhere that makes you feel happy and secure. Let him work out how he fits into that, and when.

Don’t sacrifice yourself to make him comfortable. If he’s going to be in his babies life, he will be, whether you’ve bent over backwards or not. I’m sure you know instinctively as his mother that you’d move heaven and earth to be present in your sons life. His dad should feel the same, and if he doesn’t it isn’t your job to keep trying to gift wrap the circumstances to make them more appealing to him.

Guys, the moving plan is well in the future. OP said she's only considering it when the baby is at least 1, a lot can happen in that time that might change things. Let's not get too heated about that. The more current issue is the two weeks after baby is born when dad is on paternity.

I would never allow allow a man who called me a slut to stay in my home.
He sounds like an absolute prick.

OP if you're talking about me with the stupid thing, I said "tradition" was a stupid reason to give the baby his surname (because it's not actually tradition when single, it will have huge practical implications that will make life hard for you, and there is no real reason for it to be that way besides sexism which you should be striving to discourage having a baby boy with a sexist man).

I did not say that YOU were stupid. The reason was stupid. And yes it made me angry, on your behalf, not at you. The comments on here are well meant. We are all trying to help you because we have been there and see major concerns in your plans. We want to help you not to become a beaten down doormat by this man.

@ZealAndArdour this sounds sensible, thank you

Thanks everyone for your input, it has given me a lot to think about, even if some things have hurt or some things I might not agree with right now.

@ArranMumma

Thanks everyone for your input, it has given me a lot to think about, even if some things have hurt or some things I might not agree with right now.

No one on here is trying to hurt you....quite the opposite. Sometimes the best advice is not what you want to hear

I want him to be involved in my sons life as much as possible. I always want my son to know how much his dad loves him and I want them to have lots of lovely memories together regardless of whether his father and I are together

I don’t think that is really a realistic expectation for the first two weeks post-partum.

Your baby will only want you for the first few months. Your ex is not going to be making memories at that stage - it will be a blur of feeding and nappies. And it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to play happy families as a threesome.

He can come round daily and give you a break/let you nap/shower. When your child is older (three months if bottle feeding, maybe six months if BF), he can take him out for a few hours. That can extend over time to whole days out, and overnights when your child is two or so.

You and your ex living together and pretending to be a family is clearly not going to work.

I was in a very similar situation to you, although we never had any fallings out or mean comments. I was not with my child's father and he lived in another country so had to fly over to be here.

I offered him the spare room for his paternity but he then added a new GF into the situation and it all proved very difficult as she wasn't happy with that level of interaction between us. In the end he stayed 2 nights and then went back home, he returned 2 weeks later and stayed in a B&B for a couple of nights and now comes every few months for a couple of days, staying in an Air BnB. He is not on the birth certificate but my child's surname is double barrelled.

I had a C-Section so was really really nervous about being alone with a new baby with no real help but do you what, it was actually really nice...there was zero expectation of me to do anything, i very much slept when the baby slept, the house was a tip and it didn't matter. I actually look back on that new born time rather fondly. My neighbours were good to reach out to and they did pick up bits of shopping, some of my friends had prepped me some meals that i could just reheat so no real issue with food. Perhaps prep some meals, set up an online shop to be delivered for the first few weeks?

You'll find you'll adapt cos you have to so please don't be scared, it's certainly challenging going alone but if you don't know any different it's not so bad and it's super lovely to shut the door on everyone and just cuddle up with your baby!

My child's father is still active in her life, we video chat a couple of times a week. I also message him with what's happening in his child's life and photos and we're reasonably friendly. I also make an effort to make sure my child knows her other family and they get the similar personalised gifts her other grandparents get.

I know but it’s hard to hear x x