Should I ask my baby’s dad to stay in a hotel for his paternity leave?

[ArranMumma]

Me and my babys dad are split but he wants to be very involved when the baby is born and will be around for the whole of his paternity leave. I had initially offered him my spare room for his leave but we’ve been arguing recently and I’m worried that it will spoil my first two weeks bonding with my baby, as I get very sad, anxious and depressed when I feel he is picking fights with me. There are a couple of hotels near me which he could stay in but it will probably cost around £600. He doesn’t earn loads (I think about 27k a year?) but he does have savings so he does have the money to pay for it but I do feel bad asking, especially as for the last three months of my pregnancy he has given me £500 a month to help pay for rent (I was a full time student with little income when I got pregnant and after we split I had to find work and start renting a flat where I can raise the baby, which has been really financially difficult so he’s helped me).

Would I be unfair to ask him to spend even more money renting a place for his paternity? Should I just suck it up and accept that he’s my baby’s father and I need to put up with it for a couple of weeks?

To give you the whole picture, the fights tend to be about my sexual past which is obviously something I can’t change. I wasn’t totally honest with him about previous partners at the beginning of our relationship which has ultimately led to lots of arguments and us splitting up. I think it is for the best that we have split because I don’t want to spend my life being called a slut etc, but even now that we are over he is still bringing it up. He has mostly brought it up when I’ve mistakenly got a bit too friendly with him i.e when I refer to me, him and my son as a ‘family’ it will trigger him to start bringing up the past again. I am a first time Mum and feel nervous about how I am going to emotionally cope with having a baby as I know it can be extremely hard at first, and the worry about having to also deal with being made to feel ashamed about my past feels quite overwhelming right now.

@awmum2b this is encouraging to hear thank you!

I would at least be double barrelling the surname. Unless you fancy being stopped by border control every time you want to take your child on holiday.

babyology.com.au/parenting/family/the-trouble-with-having-a-different-surname-to-your-kids/

The thing is, you sound like a very sweet, well meaning person who just wants the best for her baby. You are assuming he is the same. Like a pp said, if he's on the birth certificate and walks out the house with the baby, what will you do? If he stops contact in ten years time and you want to go abroad, what will you do if he refuses to give permission?

Do NOT move to be nearer him and away from your support network!

He is not a good man. He has already stuffed up being a good father by not treating his child''s mother with respect.

Op you need to lose your rose tinted spectacles quickly.

@Comedycook

The thing is, you sound like a very sweet, well meaning person who just wants the best for her baby. You are assuming he is the same. Like a pp said, if he's on the birth certificate and walks out the house with the baby, what will you do? If he stops contact in ten years time and you want to go abroad, what will you do if he refuses to give permission?

This is very astute. You do, unfortunately, have to think about the possible worst case scenarios, which are actually a bit more likely as we know he’s capable of calling a vulnerable woman abusive names.

I think it’s great that you are concerned about your son having both parents in his life. But you’re giving up a lot (surname, support network, privacy in your own home) and this guy is not going to the same lengths. It’s all hearsay and the reality may be very different when the baby is here. He needs to work on your relationship (as Co-parents) by not being rude and unkind to you.

@Comedycook I will have to read up on the legalities of it but after this morning I spoke to one of my friends who is a single Mum and she said that he wouldn’t be allowed to just take the baby away from me! Also I don’t know why he would refuse to let me take my son abroad if he didn’t have much contact with him by then, but it is definitely worth thinking about. I know my baby’s dad is very against the idea of my son ever having a “step-dad” so I suppose it is possible that he might not let us going on holidays if I were to one day ever meet a new partner. I wonder if there is some kind of document we can sign to specifically allow each other to go on holidays without needing permission from each other ..

Oh and I'm not saying you shouldn't ever put him on the birth certificate but I think he needs to do more to prove himself as a good father. So far, he's not covering himself in glory by being verbally abusive towards the mother of his child

Also I don’t know why he would refuse to let me take my son abroad if he didn’t have much contact with him by then

To control you?

I know my baby’s dad is very against the idea of my son ever having a “step-dad”

This is a huge red flag. Are you supposed to remain single and celibate? Is he proposing to do the same?

i know my baby’s dad is very against the idea of my son ever having a “step-dad

I bet he's not against the idea of your son having a step mum though

Don’t put him on the birth certificate!!!

Putting aside all the issues around the baby's surname and where you might eventually live and focussing on those early weeks...

Op, you have no idea how the birth will go, how you will feel after the birth or what challenges you might face in those early days and weeks so please make sure that anyone you have around you and the baby is there to support you.

I think it's great that you want to support the dad with building a relationship with your son but honestly, the most important person to your baby is you and you need to feel safe and supported.

There have been threads on here about ex partners taking children and refusing to give them back. If the man has PR and he takes his child, then unless there is a court order in place, he has the right to do so. Of course the mother can go to court, but the father could have disappeared by then.

It may well be possible for you to develop an amicable relationship and co-parent well, but to enable that you need to establish good boundaries now.

If anyone has any resources which explain parental rights succinctly then please do pass them on. I will have a look myself and make sure I understand what I am getting myself into before putting his name on birth certificate.

@Comedycook

i know my baby’s dad is very against the idea of my son ever having a “step-dad

I bet he's not against the idea of your son having a step mum though

Quite. He’s still trying to call all the shots in your life OP, don’t let him.

i know my baby’s dad is very against the idea of my son ever having a “step-dad

What does this mean? That he doesn't want to get in another relationship until your son is an adult?

Has he also said he won't be getting into another relationship so your son doesn't have a step-mum or is just you that has to stay single for the next 18 years?

The more you post about him the worse this situation sounds. He has no right to dictate that you cannot meet someone else. Who the fuck does he think he is to say he doesn't want his child to have a step dad? That's not up to him. Is he planning on staying single for life? Do not give your baby this abusive, controlling man's surname. You could do with some counselling to help you realise that you are being treated appallingly by this horrible person. You need to build on your self esteem and stop pandering to this man. You would be a fool to even consider moving near him in the future. You seem to have a vision of things being wonderfully amicable once baby arrives. However, he is already showing you that he intends to be in control.

Don’t feel ANY obligation to him.

Don’t let him be at the birth, don’t let him stay at your house- ever.
Put yourself and baby first.

You’ll be very vulnerable, in all ways- follow your gut and don’t let him in.

This is a good starting point on parental responsibility OP childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/

The key point is that if you both have parental responsibility then the law sees you both has having equal status and an equal say in your child's life (unless there is a court order saying anything different). So when your friend says he wouldn’t be allowed to just take the baby away from me the same applies to you keeping the baby from him. If he were to keep the baby and had PR (and no court order) then the police won't do anything to help you unless the child is at risk. They'll just see it as the child being with a parent and something for the family courts to deal with. That then causes you a huge amount of difficulty, expense and uncertainty.

Similarly with the I don’t know why he would refuse to let me take my son abroad if he didn’t have much contact with him by then as a PP poster said he might try to stop you to control you. He might also just not be contactable. I recently helped a friend in that situation who was trying to move to NZ with her new partner and it was an utter nightmare to try to deal with the fact that they couldn't contact the father who'd had nothing to do with the child but had equal parental rights.

Don't put him on the birth certificate without looking at what it does for the legal situation. As a PP says, you can always re-register and put him on if he seems to be stepping up and respects your role.

I think you need to have some very frank conversations now and set very clear boundaries around what is and isn’t acceptable.

If he’s on board with that then I’d probably let him stay but be very clear that any hint of you feeling uncomfortable means he needs to stay elsewhere.

@ArranMumma alarm bells are ringing all over for me here. I know you feel that you are getting a hard time here but that's only because people can see what's ahead for you.

Please reconsider giving the baby your name. It will be so much easier for you and you deserve for him to have your name. You are carrying him, will give birth and raise him.
Fuck tradition, it's all bollocks. This isn't about some romantic notion of co-parenting in harmony. You need to protect your family as a single parent.

If all is going great in a couple of years then you can add dads name and double barrel it or another middle name if you really want to.

Also think really carefully about giving up your life and your support network to move closer to someone you're not in a relationship with.

What if you wanted to move back or elsewhere in the future. He could potentially get a court order to stop you.

He doesn't sound like a great guy and I worry that he will continue to cause you issues in the future.
Given his attitude to past and future men I think the further he is away from you and your baby, the better.

@westcountryboy is talking complete sense.
Please, please read what everyone is telling you.

I don't think a man who calls his ex partner a slut is going to be a good father. I expect he's going to be a nightmare.

@Comedycook

i know my baby’s dad is very against the idea of my son ever having a “step-dad

I bet he's not against the idea of your son having a step mum though

Absolutely this. Oh OP you sound lovely but so naive - the worse person you could share parental rights with and move your life for and give your child's last name to is someone who has in the past and during your pregnancy called you a slag / slut AND has already said they intend to have a say on your future relationships.

Men like this do what suits them, not what is best for their child.

You need to seriously reconsider your hope / ideal situation and instead address the reality and the most likely outcome.

He's saying he wouldn't want your son to have another stable, male figure in his life. Not only is it outrageously arrogant and overstepping of him, it isn't putting his son first. At all.

You need to get clued up and fast.

Your friend is wrong. If you have equal parental rights and he wants to keep the baby for longer than you want him to, there is no law to stop him doing that. The police may get involved if the baby is at risk or for example is breastfed and away from you but if he has equal parental rights, he has as much say as you over the baby.

He can absolutely say you can't take the child out of the country and if he's already made it clear he doesn't want you to be in a relationship where your son has a step dad then of COURSE he's the type to refuse permission.

You're planning to consistently facilitate the wants of a man who is abusive and controlling and to be honest just a massive prick.

If he wants to be part of his son's life it's up to HIM to step up not up to you to build your life around whats most convenient for him.