Should I ask my baby’s dad to stay in a hotel for his paternity leave?

[ArranMumma]

Me and my babys dad are split but he wants to be very involved when the baby is born and will be around for the whole of his paternity leave. I had initially offered him my spare room for his leave but we’ve been arguing recently and I’m worried that it will spoil my first two weeks bonding with my baby, as I get very sad, anxious and depressed when I feel he is picking fights with me. There are a couple of hotels near me which he could stay in but it will probably cost around £600. He doesn’t earn loads (I think about 27k a year?) but he does have savings so he does have the money to pay for it but I do feel bad asking, especially as for the last three months of my pregnancy he has given me £500 a month to help pay for rent (I was a full time student with little income when I got pregnant and after we split I had to find work and start renting a flat where I can raise the baby, which has been really financially difficult so he’s helped me).

Would I be unfair to ask him to spend even more money renting a place for his paternity? Should I just suck it up and accept that he’s my baby’s father and I need to put up with it for a couple of weeks?

To give you the whole picture, the fights tend to be about my sexual past which is obviously something I can’t change. I wasn’t totally honest with him about previous partners at the beginning of our relationship which has ultimately led to lots of arguments and us splitting up. I think it is for the best that we have split because I don’t want to spend my life being called a slut etc, but even now that we are over he is still bringing it up. He has mostly brought it up when I’ve mistakenly got a bit too friendly with him i.e when I refer to me, him and my son as a ‘family’ it will trigger him to start bringing up the past again. I am a first time Mum and feel nervous about how I am going to emotionally cope with having a baby as I know it can be extremely hard at first, and the worry about having to also deal with being made to feel ashamed about my past feels quite overwhelming right now.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Chantelle he doesn't have rights, he has responsibilities. Of course he should help financially - the OP now has expenses for things she wouldn't have if it wasn't for the pregnancy, so yes he owes her help. Receiving that help doesn't entitle him to stay in her home or for the baby to be given his name. The financial help isn't a purchase price!

I am havent commented about the name argument I dont know enough about either party to offer such advice. To say someone has responsibilities but not rights doesnt sit well with me but youre entitled to your opinion as I am mine. People keep mentioning about him controlling and about the purchase price. He sounds like a very insecure man that built an idea of whom she was in his head because she wasnt honest and now he knows the truth his own frail masculinity cannot handle the truth. But that doesnt make him controlling. She hasnt mentioned anything about him controlling anything. (Forgive me if he has and ive misse that bit this is a lengthy thread) I have mentioned several times where I think because of the cost of him staying in a hotel should be considered because of the contributions hes made already. I have also said if he cannot control his mouth then tough he should front the bill but I think its important she at least verbalises this before she just sends him off to a hotel. Im sorry but I do not agree with people who say its all the womans right but the men still need to front the bill. Yes my ex got me pregnant but its my choice to go ahead with this pregnancy and its my choice to exclude him because he has a personality disorder. I knew this when I got pregnant so I created this mess for myself. If hes not being involved im not gonna demand he pay my way just like he couldnt have demanded I get an abortion

because I dont want him involved I am not asking him for a single penny and thats my belief on the subject

And my belief is that the father has a financial responsibility which is entirely separate to access. The financial responsibility is non negotiable. The access is reliant on whether he is a decent non abusive father who has the child's best interests at heart.

To say someone has responsibilities but not rights doesn't sit well with me

In terms of being a parent, either mother or father, it's correct though. Even with access and contact, it's about what's in the best interests of the child, not the best interests of the parent.

I definitely have the best interest of my child involved. Im happy to do this by myself. Maybe the responsibility vs rights argument does make sense to a degree but its just not within me to force someone to pay for something that I am going to do by myself and if they didnt want to be apart of it they couldnt have made me stop. I know I can support my child just fine so I am happy to do that! My fingers are crossed for the OP I hope the dads attitude softens when the baby arrives and if it doesnt I hope mum has the strength to tell him to get lost as I said before good luck :)

PS in regards to him not wanting you to have a step dad for your child one day that further supports what I said about him being very insecure. I left my ex ex simply because of his insecurity he was a 'slut' shamer, was obsessed about my past and even hypothetically what would happen after we split also it was EXHAUSTING! but I still wouldnt have classed him as abusive he was just abit close minded and insecure but it can certainly end a relationship. He has no right to expect you to never date again. If he doesnt want replacing in his childs life he has to make himself irreplaceable by being an amazing attentive dad and like others said by not being verbally abusive to you!

@ChantelleFirstBaby

PS in regards to him not wanting you to have a step dad for your child one day that further supports what I said about him being very insecure. I left my ex ex simply because of his insecurity he was a 'slut' shamer, was obsessed about my past and even hypothetically what would happen after we split also it was EXHAUSTING! but I still wouldnt have classed him as abusive he was just abit close minded and insecure but it can certainly end a relationship. He has no right to expect you to never date again. If he doesnt want replacing in his childs life he has to make himself irreplaceable by being an amazing attentive dad and like others said by not being verbally abusive to you!

Sorry but you sound like a huge apologist for abusive, controlling men by describing their behaviour as a result of insecurity.

@ChantelleFirstBaby

PS in regards to him not wanting you to have a step dad for your child one day that further supports what I said about him being very insecure. I left my ex ex simply because of his insecurity he was a 'slut' shamer, was obsessed about my past and even hypothetically what would happen after we split also it was EXHAUSTING! but I still wouldnt have classed him as abusive he was just abit close minded and insecure but it can certainly end a relationship. He has no right to expect you to never date again. If he doesnt want replacing in his childs life he has to make himself irreplaceable by being an amazing attentive dad and like others said by not being verbally abusive to you!

Can you see that even if it comes from a place of insecurity (which is questionable, it sounds more like he simply thinks women should do as they are told and live to different rules than men) that doesn't change the fact that his behaviour absolutely IS controlling. He thinks he gets a say over her future relationships. That is controlling.

First off this is abuse, he is abusive. If you feel like you really need his help I do understand but the stress and exhaustion of looking after a newborn is unlikely to improve abusive behaviour. I think you really have to ask him to book into a hotel you cannot be with him 24/7.

hows that when I left him lol Ive said a million times over she needs to make sure he doesnt do it if he wants to stay in their life where have I made apologies or sympathized with anything? I am merely saying being insecure doesnt mean hes going to be an abusive terrible father thats whats the main issue her isnt it not if her and him arent a couple. I have never even ONCE said its ok that he slut shames her. I have also mentioned I left BOTH my exes so I dont exactly support any abusive treatment of me

Always do what's best for you but make sure you're happy with your baby having his surname before you go ahead- I'm not married to my DS dad but we are still together, DS had his surname. Things have been difficult over the years and we've nearly split a couple of times and I hate the thought of it being Dad + son both the same and me left out in the cold, what if he marries another woman, that would then be my son sharing a name with her and not with me!

That's the one thing I would change in a heartbeat

Having his surname doesn't vouch for him being an active dad, his actions alone do that and they shouldn't be based upon a baby having his surname

I guess I dont see it as controlling because I have such a strong personality no one can tell me anything. Ive watched alot of shows about cohersion etc and know it can be subtle or really obvious and aggressive. My ex ex would be insecure and bring up stupid hypothetical rubbish and he got dumped for it. I didnt let it own me or ruin me so I guess it might seem like im downplaying it because it didnt personally affect me. I cant speak for a more vulnerable woman because I am not one

Personally, I’d appreciate that he’s been helping financially, and I would let him stay. It might be very helpful to have another adult there in the first few days.

If he’s not helpful, or upsets you, you have the option to tell him to leave.

As for the birth certificate, I’d be very careful. Your relationship now is so far removed from how it could be in 10 years, with new partners etc. Make sure you know what you’re getting into by putting him on the certificate. You can still claim maintenance through CMS without him in the birth certificate.

This is very good advice from a PP:

If you are cautious now, you can be less cautious in future if he proves himself decent at parenting. If you give away too much now, you can't dial it back if you need to. There's nothing to lose by being careful

@Comedycook

this is Mumsnet where you often get crazy advise. Please please don't let posters upset you

I haven't read any crazy advice.

Putting an abusive man on your babies birth certificate is really quite 'crazy' imo. A birth certificate is not a lovely momento...it has all sort of legal implications

It will be easy enough for the father to get parental responsibility through a court order. Calling the mother nasty names wouldn't be enough grounds to refuse it.

@ChantelleFirstBaby

I guess I dont see it as controlling because I have such a strong personality no one can tell me anything. Ive watched alot of shows about cohersion etc and know it can be subtle or really obvious and aggressive. My ex ex would be insecure and bring up stupid hypothetical rubbish and he got dumped for it. I didnt let it own me or ruin me so I guess it might seem like im downplaying it because it didnt personally affect me. I cant speak for a more vulnerable woman because I am not one

The reaction person on the receiving end of the controlling behaviour doesn't change the fact the perpetrator is being controlling.

It's like saying someone isn't being racist if the person on the end of their racial slur doesn't react or feel threatened. The racial slur would still be racist.

Your grasp of the dynamics of abuse is quite belittling to women who experience it. Many are incredibly strong, successful and smart women who are ground down by insidious abuse over time. Those qualities don't make women immune to abuse.

You sound a bit like you're looking down on victims tbh.

You don't have to 'speak for' vulnerable women to show some empathy for them and try to understand they aren't just weak willed as you've implied.

That was meant to say:

The reaction of the person on the receiving end of the controlling behaviour doesn't change the fact the perpetrator is being controlling.

I didnt mention anything about someone being weak willed at all I mentioned vulnerability and that does not equate to strength. Someone said I wasnt grasping the abuse so I explained it through my experience and I have never let a man tell me anything so I may downplay abuse because it doesnt feel like abuse to me I was trying to explain my rationale its you that mentioned weakness not me

vulnerability is down to circumstances and can change at any time to any person I have yet to be put in a situation thats created vulnerability in me I most certainly do not look down on anyone thats been a victim based on their vulnerability

@ChantelleFirstBaby

vulnerability is down to circumstances and can change at any time to any person I have yet to be put in a situation thats created vulnerability in me I most certainly do not look down on anyone thats been a victim based on their vulnerability

Glad to hear it.

I recognized abuse with the father of my baby gaslighting, name calling, manipulation you name it. But I just didnt equate my ex exs insecurity to abuse because he never did anything with it cept moan. He was a slut shamer but not saying he called me a slut he just had rigid views on promiscuity etc. He was absolutely NOTHING like the father of my baby I was foolish to leave him and then get with him but without that I wouldnt now be pregnant!

my baby is saying shut up mummy and feed me crumpets so I must oblige! good luck again OP you will know what to do when the time comes a mother is a fierce lioness and she will do what must to protect her young cub xx

İ was single when pregnant with the dad still lingering around, calling me names and blaming me for the break up. İt was in his country and having him around just affected my bonding with the little one. Luckily, I didn't put him on the birth certificate or use his surname because I had to leave the country to get myself sorted, otherwise he would have stopped me from getting a passport for her. He hasn't made any effort to stay in touch with my daughter, because it isn't 'convenient for him', despite me offering contact time and me bringing her there for trips. He was also someone who stated they didn't want me bringing a step dad into my daughter's life. Your ex could try and stop you going on holiday even if single, as he wouldn't want you to meet a new guy on the holiday.

İ know someone who refused to bring the child back after their weekend contact and then the mum went to court and the judge decided to listen to the dad and awarded him custody.

İf he really wants to be there for his child, he will be. Regardless of you offering your spare room, regardless of what name you give, regardless of how much it costs him. None of the things he has to do, to be there for his son are particularly difficult, even without your assistance. A good man would even understand you needing your space and would offer to pay for a hotel. Stand your ground, even if you withdraw your offer of the spare room, that doesn't withdraw his relationship with his son, that's up to him to make it work.

@ChantelleFirstBaby

I recognized abuse with the father of my baby gaslighting, name calling, manipulation you name it. But I just didnt equate my ex exs insecurity to abuse because he never did anything with it cept moan. He was a slut shamer but not saying he called me a slut he just had rigid views on promiscuity etc. He was absolutely NOTHING like the father of my baby I was foolish to leave him and then get with him but without that I wouldnt now be pregnant!

I recognized abuse with the father of my baby gaslighting, name calling, manipulation you name it.

I'm sorry you stayed with someone like that long enough to get pregnant and have a lifelong connection with them but as you say now your baby is here they are a blessing and hopefully you can be happy. It sounds like you have been treated poorly by at least two men so it's surprising you said earlier you'd never stand for being told what to do / treated badly etc but glad you're out and hopefully safe now. Maybe you understand more than you think about being a vulnerable woman and the victim of misogyny, sexism, gaslighting, abuse etc and can realise that in time and heal.

It will be easy enough for the father to get parental responsibility through a court order. Calling the mother nasty names wouldn't be enough grounds to refuse it.

Yes almost certainly so but only if he applies for it and by that point the op will have had more experience of him as a father an can decide whether she is simply happy to re-register him or still has concerns and wants to bring any other issues to mediation/court e.g. a specific issue order to allow her to take the child on holidays.

The OP can't actually put him on the birth cert without his presence or consent anyway so the best thing to do is probably to simply sole register for now and see what happens. The time limit for registrations is quite a short period to see how he will parent.

my empathy for his sexual abuse ladened childhood kept me around. I was stupid enough to think if I treated him better than hes ever been treated he would trust not the whole world is an enemy but his NPD is too deeply engrained. We have actually been apart for 9 months and only hooked up once when he was coming to collect his things and someone decided it was the right time to put a baby in me. Yes definitely a blessing im 35 and this is the first time my body permitted it to happen so I am going to cherish it