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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

297 replies

Pregnantmama93 · 08/07/2021 21:40

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

OP posts:
stripedino · 08/07/2021 21:42

You do you. Your comfort is the priority and if it will help you, do it. Have a conversation with both about expectations and go from there. You are entitled to be in the driving seat for this.

Had both (husband and mother) for first baby and zero for second lockdown baby :(

strengthinnumber · 08/07/2021 21:45

Honestly I don't know. I mean in absolutely support your right to have whoever you want with you during birth, but 3 is a bit of a crowd. It was a really special time for DH and I, and then when it wasn't and things went a bit wrong he was an amazing advocate for me and having him there was fantastic. My mum would have taken over a bit and we would have missed out on a lot.

Frankly DH would have been gutted and whilst you're the one giving birth (son ultimately choose) it is his baby as well.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 21:45

He's probably wondering why he's not support enough for you. Did you really tell him it was to "calm you both down"?!

brittleheadgirl · 08/07/2021 21:45

I bitterly regret not having my mum at both of my births, particularly because my ex dh & I barely speak now!
My dc are older teens now but I often feel sad on their birthdays because I have nobody to talk to about the day they were born Sad

PurBal · 08/07/2021 21:47

Agree you should do what’s right for you. That said I can’t imagine anything worse than having my mother there. And any second birth partner (doula included) would be too much for DH, we’re better when it’s just the two of us. You obviously have a close relationship with your mum, I can’t imagine calling anyone but DH “first” in a crisis.

nimbuscloud · 08/07/2021 21:47

I had my husband.

Megan2018 · 08/07/2021 21:47

I just had my husband, having your mum is weird if you have a supportive partner. I know lots of people do it, but I still think it’s really odd to have 2 people.

AvantGardening · 08/07/2021 21:47

I think the key point here is when you had a scare you instinctively wanted her not him.

Vetyveriohohoh · 08/07/2021 21:47

I just had my DH. It was a very special time for us and I can’t even imagine having either of our mothers there.

nimbuscloud · 08/07/2021 21:48

Do you feel a bit disengaged from your dp?

QueenOfPain · 08/07/2021 21:48

It’s really not up to him, since he’s not the one giving birth.

I would want my mum there too.

Starlightstarbright1 · 08/07/2021 21:48

Birth is about you. What you want matters.

Italiandreams · 08/07/2021 21:49

Personally I saw it is as special moment between my husband and I ( and about 7 medical staff as it happened!) I love my mum but can’t imagine anything worse than having her there. But that’s how I feel , doesn’t mean there is a right or wrong answer.

Horehound · 08/07/2021 21:49

I personally feel like this is between the two people who made the baby and can totally see his side. Did your mum have your father and her mother in the birth room or did she manage with your father?

nimbuscloud · 08/07/2021 21:49

I had a scare on my 1st pregnancy and it was my husband I contacted first

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 21:49

My dc are older teens now but I often feel sad on their birthdays because I have nobody to talk to about the day they were born
Surely you can talk to your Mum anyway? She'll remember the day just fine, even if she was on the other side of the door Confused

ComDummings · 08/07/2021 21:50

It’s not up to him. If you want your mother there then have her there. It’s not about him, it’s about the person pushing out the tiny human.

Foxhasbigsocks · 08/07/2021 21:51

I wish i had ignored my dp on this on baby one. I had my mum on baby 2 as well as him and I felt much better

In the end he doesn’t get to make this decision

MaMelon · 08/07/2021 21:53

I just had my husband - never occurred to me to have my mum. It was a very special time just for the 2 of us, I can well understand why he doesn’t want her there.

Do you think he won’t support you?

MiddleParking · 08/07/2021 21:53

Ultimately it’s not up to him but I can see why he feels hurt.

Verbena87 · 08/07/2021 21:53

I had husband and my sister. It was brilliant but they get on like a house on fire and it felt like we were a little team.

Benefits of having her there:-

She knew exactly where, when and how hard to apply counter-pressure during contractions which was great because husband was way too gentle/careful when he tried and I couldn’t communicate well enough to tell him, but having laboured herself she just knew.

She was able to take photos.

She was able to go off and get food/cups of tea for him and cold water/haribo for me without husband missing anything.

Husband could go for a wee/fresh air without feeling he was leaving me unsupported.

She cleaned up when I shat myself which was handy as husband couldn’t have escaped my contraction-grip to do it even if he’d wanted to.

She knew how to sort me clean pants with maternity pad in place without any faff after.

When we were both knackered and emotional she spoke up for us.

But if they’d not both felt we were all in each other’s corner it would’ve just added stress. It really needs to feel mutually supportive and flooded with love, I think.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 08/07/2021 21:54

Tell him in the future if he needs the snip he can have his dm there.... But as the patient now you get to decide who supports you...

Sally872 · 08/07/2021 21:55

Birth partners are there to support mother. If your mum will be helpful to you then you should have her there. He needs to suck it up.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/07/2021 21:56

@Sally872

Birth partners are there to support mother. If your mum will be helpful to you then you should have her there. He needs to suck it up.
Bloody hell...
Dollhousedoor · 08/07/2021 21:56

You're the one going through the birth not him so at the end of the day you decide.
For me I only wanted DH in the room but I know others who had both or just mother.
Did I read it right in your post that one of his objections was that his mother would be waiting to see baby - not even a consideration he should be bringing up, it's not a competition of who sees baby first, its about you feeling safe and in control.