Partner doesn't want my mother with us during the birth

[Pregnantmama93]

I am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my partners first child. I had a scare a few weeks back and called her first and she calmed me down right away, luckily just a scare! She has had 5 children so feel she knows a bit about it.

My midwife said we can have two birthing partners in now so I said to my partner that I would love to have him and my mum in with us as I think she'll help calm us both and be extra support. We'll he has gone crazy saying it should just be us, his mother will be waiting until after baby is born to see the baby. I have tried to explain it's not for my mum to see baby, but for support for me. He thinks it's ridiculous having my mum in with us.

I also said I want to capture these magical moments , dad cutting the cord etc. He said this has made him not excited for the birth!!!

Am I being unreasonable? I did state she can go out if he feels he wants some alone time just us two.

Would love to know who you had with you?

[quote Pregnantmama93]@wanttomarryamillionaire How did you find your birth? Did you think it went smoother having that extra support and what wrree his thoughts afterwards? Did he feel included as I think my partner feels he will be pushed out but that wouldn't be the case[/quote]
I felt much more supported by my mother and nan than I did by my husband because they instinctively knew how to support me and he didn't. That wasn't his fault but hes a man and can never know what its like. It also gave him the chance to go and have some rest and something to eat (very long Labour) without leaving me alone. He was perfectly happy with the situation and over the moon when our son was born.

@Findmeatthebeach reassuring to read. One of the factors of having her there is for added support for both of us. If it is a long labour (hopefully not) he can still have a snooze or grab a coffee etc.

Just my partner. I never considered my Mum being there...she is amazing & I love her to bits...but she would have taken over & seeing him uncomfortable & trying to be polite & not tell her to back off would have stressed me out. It's his baby too...he should have some say I think. Can you have your Mum on standby just in case he does panic & ye can call her in? He might surprise you though & the whole experience with just two of you (& medics!) might be just the right thing.

Jeeze. Dads really can't win can they? It's none of their business and they should take a back seat and keep out of the way when their child is born. But then step up and be equal partners when it comes to every other aspect of parenting.

How dare they want to support the partner they love when their child is being born? How dare they be invested and involved in the labour room?
I can't believe that people are so dismissive of the OP's DH, and presumably their own partners.

There was some competition between both sets of grandparents about who saw/held my babies first, I.was surprised to learn, and it sounds as if that might be the case here. Invite your mum. Who gets to hold the baby first really isn't important.

Your birth your choice.

I had DH only for my first as had planned CS and were only allowed 1.
I had my mom and DH with me for DS2 (VBAC). My mom wasn't there the whole time just for the last 6 hours. It was good to have her there as she came to look after both of us and take photos. She was as much there to support him as me and as he doesn't like hospitals much he did need it.

I found it a very special moment with DH becoming parents for the first time. Think it would have been very different having my DM there too.

Also had quite a quick birth so went to hospital at 3am and had DS at 6am. Unless DM had been staying with us there would be no way she would have been able to be there in time. So that might be something to consider, as with all things with your birth plan, it may not go to plan!

I remember watching an episode of One Born Every Minute and the couple had the wife's mum there, who pretty much took over. The wife ended up needing a c-section and of course only one person could go with her and the mother demanded it was her. I felt so sorry for the husband sitting in the room waiting for news. I always think of that when people say they want their mum there.

@@WeBurnedSoBrightWeBurnedOut I did not even think about having her "on call" so to speak outside for if I needed her. That's quite reassuring actually. If it is unfortunately a long birth he needed a snooze or a minute she can step in so he wouldn't feel he is abandoning me.

@Pregnantmama93

@*@WeBurnedSoBrightWeBurnedOut* I did not even think about having her "on call" so to speak outside for if I needed her. That's quite reassuring actually. If it is unfortunately a long birth he needed a snooze or a minute she can step in so he wouldn't feel he is abandoning me.

Why would he need a snooze when your Mum wouldn't? You're totally infantilising him

@Anyusernameleft I never thought of that @findmeatthebeach also pointed this out to me. I think this would the right balance and peace of mind for us both to do it that way around. If she is needed I know she's there if not that's just fine.

Is this a not very well established relationship?

@GreyhoundG1rl I was in labour for 36 hours. Everyone there needed a snooze!

How dare they want to support the partner they love when their child is being born? How dare they be invested and involved in the labour room?
I can't believe that people are so dismissive of the OP's DH, and presumably their own partners.

Part of being a good father and husband is recognising those times where it is important to put others needs above your own.

When the mother of your child is in labour is one of those times. If a mother feels secure she is more likely (likely- not guaranteed) to have a good birth. So her needs at that time come first.

Who are all these delicate toddler men who can’t swallow those (perfectly natural in my opinion) feelings of being ‘left out’ of childbirth and need to chase off older female relatives, even to the detriment of a birthing mother who wants them there. Seems insecure and controlling to me.

Birth is such a teeny tiny part of the parenting journey. But it is ridiculous to say that the dads needs and wants come before the mother’s on the day of labour. Luckily, most good men seem to instinctively know that.

@cocomelonz sure thing. I am in South West London. I hope you can have two birthing partners also!

@saraclara

Jeeze. Dads really can't win can they? It's none of their business and they should take a back seat and keep out of the way when their child is born. But then step up and be equal partners when it comes to every other aspect of parenting.

How dare they want to support the partner they love when their child is being born? How dare they be invested and involved in the labour room?
I can't believe that people are so dismissive of the OP's DH, and presumably their own partners.

Well... yes , obviously they should step up and be equal partners when it comes to every other aspect of parenting that they are physically able to participate in (clearly exiting a baby from their vagina is not one of them). No one said its none of their business, that's a bit dramatic, but in this instance the mothers wishes come first, as she is the one going through the physically, mentally and emotionally challenging, risky, incredibly vulnerable birth - her feelings shouldn't have to take a backseat. Birthing partners aren't there to witness, they're there to support.

@Deathsquito

*How dare they want to support the partner they love when their child is being born? How dare they be invested and involved in the labour room? I can't believe that people are so dismissive of the OP's DH, and presumably their own partners.*

Part of being a good father and husband is recognising those times where it is important to put others needs above your own.

When the mother of your child is in labour is one of those times. If a mother feels secure she is more likely (likely- not guaranteed) to have a good birth. So her needs at that time come first.

Who are all these delicate toddler men who can’t swallow those (perfectly natural in my opinion) feelings of being ‘left out’ of childbirth and need to chase off older female relatives, even to the detriment of a birthing mother who wants them there. Seems insecure and controlling to me.

Birth is such a teeny tiny part of the parenting journey. But it is ridiculous to say that the dads needs and wants come before the mother’s on the day of labour. Luckily, most good men seem to instinctively know that.

Amen to this

@Anyusernameleft

Just my partner. I never considered my Mum being there...she is amazing & I love her to bits...but she would have taken over & seeing him uncomfortable & trying to be polite & not tell her to back off would have stressed me out. It's his baby too...he should have some say I think. Can you have your Mum on standby just in case he does panic & ye can call her in? He might surprise you though & the whole experience with just two of you (& medics!) might be just the right thing.

‘It’s his baby too’ Yes and when the baby is out this counts but labour and who supports it needs to solely come down to the woman giving birth. Never should a man have a say in a woman’s medical procedure when she is fully able to express her own wishes.

I had my mum and xdh for my first and she really took over. I don't even remember xdh being there tbh. It didn't bother me at the time but I'm sure it didn't help him feel great or that he was of any use

For my second I had just my partner and he really stepped up.

I think you need to do what's best for you but in all honesty it can be a great bonding experience just having you and dp there.

I think it’s part of growing up and forming an adult relationship to let go of your mum a little bit and make room for your partner.

The birth of your child, especially the first, is something that is so special and fundamental to you as a couple.

I don’t think that your mum should be there.

@saraclara

Jeeze. Dads really can't win can they? It's none of their business and they should take a back seat and keep out of the way when their child is born. But then step up and be equal partners when it comes to every other aspect of parenting.

How dare they want to support the partner they love when their child is being born? How dare they be invested and involved in the labour room?
I can't believe that people are so dismissive of the OP's DH, and presumably their own partners.

In what way is it supportive to oppose the birth op wants. That's in no way supporting her. The birth is about the op and getting her through this. He should want to take any steps that might help. I think its extremely selfish to put his feelings above the ops. This whole movement of seeing birth as an experience is doing a disservice to women. They should be at the centre of it all, not bloody men.

I had my mum and it was the best decision for us. I was in labour for 3 days after they induced me and they tag-teamed so I wasn’t ever on my own. After dd was born, my mum gave me a hug and saw dd for a few mins, then off she went. Dh bonded with dd while I was whisked off to surgery. Tbh, I think it’s your decision to make as you’ll be the one giving birth. I don’t know why your dh has a problem with it. He might be happy with her taking over for a bit if he needs a break

For my first DC, I had my mum, brother and DH there supporting me. It was a long labour with complications. I was happy that they were all there, although when I was rushed into emergency theatre, it was just me and DH. At a time when I was begging for help, DM went with DH to insist on emergency action. She had the words when he was lost. I’m forever grateful that she was there, as is DH. Have a team around you in case you need it. They can’t all be at the actual birth, but they can be really helpful and supportive in different ways. OP, just ask for what you think you need. Sending support to you ❤️

It's you giving birth so if you want your mum there then have her. Women's mothers have helped them give birth for millennia... who is he to make demands?